humans think backwards

tree of thought

I am now convinced that human beings think backwards, and that what is commonly called ‘bottoms-up thinking’ is just an exaggerated presentation of this.

If you review my [88 hells] writings which enabled my initial awakening, you will see that they start low and gradually build onto each other like a house of cards, aiming for an eventual terminus at the point of awakening.

I was compelled to write those, but I knew not why. I was also compelled to share the website extensively, in its unfinished form, because I was utterly convinced that I had found a cure for ADHD. I still believe that this is the case, but the tower was far from completion, so nobody could see it; myself included.

A great composer does not sit there plinking out notes on a piano; they have the symphony complete in their mind before they begin, even if they can’t access it. They may hear the melody, but once they codify the melody the rhythm will appear and then all the other branches of the tree. The trunk, however, was complete from the outset.

I said many times during my process that the [printjob] happens in reverse. I wrote about how this manifests in terms of autistic communication issues; the [butting in] with an answer, before entering a mini-insight-cycle of confidence, doubt, confidence, doubt while they construct the logic for their conclusion and are described as a bottoms-up thinker.

What I think is actually happening here is an instantaneous potentiation of attractor states based on dopaminergic something-or-other to do with voltage gating. Just as lightning will travel the path of least resistance, I believe that the brain will [potentiate the path of least resistance], and it will do so in an instant.

This is what presents as the goosebumps when you just feel that something is *right*, or an irresistible urge to blurt something out or hyperfocus on your chosen project. In extreme cases it presents as mania and reality-decoupling. These are all, in my opinion, the initial potentiation of the ‘tree’ of thought.

Whether the tree will be correct or not depends on the information that has been fed into the machine. The thought happening backwards does not mean that it is necessarily reality-aligned, so what happens after the initial insight is a form of retroactive reconstruction.

It’s like the 90s version of Lemmings, where you have unlimited builder lemmings and need to get to an exit at the top. You can see the exit so you have gone and blurted it out and butted in and everyone is angry at you, but you don’t know exactly how you got to the answer. The flash of inspiration is just that: a flash. You have a gut instinct that this is the correct answer and you don’t know why so you need to hold the image in mind as best you can while you get your builder lemmings to create a tower of thought that gets you there.

Not all of the lemmings will go in the right direction; some will fall and die. These are the pathways being pruned during the process of exploration and validation, and they always cause doubt. You have a rough idea of how to get to the top but you don’t know the details so you need to reconstruct the path that this lightning took, step by step. This is why autistic thinking can present as ‘bottoms up’ but often proves to be correct in retrospect, at least according to the data available to the system. This is why music and art and essays fall out fully formed, and are shared before they are finished. This is why my website, [6 months ago], was trying to say exactly what I am saying now, but was utterly illegible and looked like madness to anyone who cared to investigate it.

How many times has your gut instinct proven to be right? How many times have you got the goosebumps about an idea or something that someone said and it just turned out to be the thing you needed? I have the goosebumps now - I can feel the pīti converging on my brain. I know this to be true, but I know that the information is incomplete, and I know that I need researchers to find holes in it so it can be finished. I also know that it *might not* be correct if the datapool is flawed, but in this case I have enough self-observation through my own awakening to be confident.

alleviating suffering

This, I believe, is what causes the suffering that neurodivergent individual experience and that the Buddha found a way to alleviate. I think we are on the cusp of realising how to replicate this using science, and I want to be involved in the process, because my entire neural network has reformed around this [theory of enlightenment], which draws together many disparate chains from neuroscience, psychiatry, spirituality and others. Everyone has a piece of the elephant and I feel like I might be able to help bring them together.

Anyway from here I have to talk about personal phenomenology. All I can do is describe the process and sensations; the speculation from here on is pretty speculative but sits with my current (incomplete) understanding of things.

As mentioned, I could [feel my thoughts] and the minima (sand-tunnels) at the start of this. These have been imaged by Tokyo University as a distinguishing factor in ASD compulsive thought, which I just found out today. The first step for me was to remove these minima by consolidating them. I did this using [cache-export during regulation] (to run each minima to conclusion), [multimodal re-encoding] (to implant it into a different part of the brain) and then a meditative relinquishing of control while in a state of elevated tonic dopamine and serotonin (to suppress the DMN and consolidate the attractor states). Each of these sequences culminated in a cessation event, where consciousness essentially ‘reset’, and then a kind of unfolding of the mind and reality-decoupling of varying degree.

It felt like a flower blooming in the mind, out of the sides and backs of the head; or it would have if I was a Buddhist. What it actually felt like was I had exploded a [calabi-yau manifold] of consciousness. This would proceed to float around, like [strings of thought], and gradually explore the surroundings. I could literally feel this happening. At times the consciousness expanded to encompass everything in my world but it would always fold back into the skull-area eventually.

I would sit in the bath with my elevated neurotransmitters and use focused and directed frequencies of humming and chanting in order to fold this ‘algorithm’ back into the james-container. Over the course of 15 minutes I would feel the petals of this flower gradually fold back in a new configuration, and I would solidify it by getting into a cold shower, elevating tonic dopamine even more, and then sitting and meditating to raise tonic dopamine further while also relinquishing control and feeling nothing but equanimity toward all sensation and thoughts, in order to lessen the habitual potentiation of [thought-loops].

This happened many times. I would open the manifold, fold the algorithm, and repeat. There were major ones, as in the four ‘path moments’ I experienced, but also lots of minor ones building up to them. I view these as the lemmings all going about their building: they try their exploratory path and then in the evening when I have gone through multiple cycles of exploration (clarity) and validation (doubt), I solidify the remaining validated paths using dopaminergic manipulation.

I view the maladaptive minima as a lemming which has gone and built his stairway against a wall. He can’t finish it, it leads to nowhere, and he can’t even fall off and die a good death. These are the cause of pain in the autistic mind, in my experience, and they are all gone now. All of them. No looped thoughts. No pain.

I view the mind-matrix as a calabi-yau manifold or a multidimensional rhizome which is eternally folding for optimisation. To use the metaphor of spacetime, it is like the available universe of the mind is full so the dimensions need to be folded, with wormholes of thought being created to optimise functionality (skip-thinking, rules). Over time this is folded and folded, again and again, like a [multidimensional calzone]. The process of ending suffering is the process of opening this calzone.

But the calzone will always be folded again, according to the new data. I have just spent a month decompressing after my recent event, which would be classed as final in terms of [de-selfing], but the mind is still a growing and plastic organism. It has been learning and consolidating the lessons, and last night I got pīti for the first time since the final event.

These dopaminergic tingles were minor, but I knew what they were: a consolidation of thought. They manifest in the body and converge on the mind and, true to form, I woke up at 6am this morning and had an article ready to go. No ‘mania’ though, because the process is on a much smaller scale. But mania, reality-decoupling, the goosebumps, and gut instinct are all manifestations of a new thought-tree being mapped out; just at different levels of intensity.

let the children think

This is why my child, who is diagnosed ASD and ADHD, feels such pain when he can’t do something. Yesterday there was a natto pack he just needed and couldn’t get; he was crying so much and didn’t know why. When we gave him another natto pack, he went away and 30 minutes later came back with this. His brain *knew* what he was going to make, even if his mind hadn’t understood it yet, and the inability to move was causing him pain. If he had not been able to act on this, it would have dug in more and more, the [chisel] carving a new habitually potentiated minima; a lemming building against the wall, unable to resolve in either completion or death.

On the way back from snowboarding this morning I could feel this article compiling in my face. I know; a bit out-there. But this is the facial sankhara of which the Buddhist tradition speaks. When I was in the 88 hells I was exporting thoughts with such pain that I was having physical jerks on a huge scale and dancing naked like a witch-doctor. This the level of somatic release that was required to process those thoughts, and this is why neurodivergent people need to move.

Trauma lives in the body, as almost everyone knows by now. What does that imply for maladaptive deep-learning and habitually potentiated thought-feeling-loops that neurodivergent children have ingrained in their bodied by having to sit still and not act on these newly potentiated trees of thought they have all day every day? Or the adults for that matter? 

The dopaminergic lightning bolt that causes these trees to grow is so much stronger in a divergent mind; this is why they move and why they suffer. By denying them the ability to act on their urges, you cause the loop to become trapped. The dopamine that should be growing this tree ends up just gouging gouging gouging out a minima of thought in their supple brains. They wind up with autistic rigidity of thought instead of the theory of relativity.

There’s a fix, but it’s hard work, and it results in people presenting as manic and psychotic. It can be dangerous if someone does not have the sustained attentional capacity to control it.

Prevention is the easiest cure.

Let the children think.

Let them move.

Let them create.

/jb202512281128

(stream of consciousness)