[2025/06/06, 11:37:57] James: Maybe i secretly enlightened myself in that vipassana retreat and just didn’t realise
[2025/06/06, 11:38:10] James: That’s a joke btw. Intrusive thoughts sometimes make me snort.
[2025/06/06, 11:38:20] James: Well…
[2025/06/06, 11:38:22] James: Actually
[2025/06/06, 11:38:24] James: They do now.
[2025/06/06, 11:38:34] James: Previously they would not have been snorting material.
[2025/06/06, 11:38:44] James: (Which is good for ADHD apparently)
[2025/06/06, 11:38:46] James: …
[2025/06/06, 11:41:33] James: Maybe lowering the guanfacine would make me less … err…
[2025/06/06, 11:41:43] James: Unrestrained.
[2025/06/06, 11:41:56] James: I think it would, so let’s let this run its course to a clinical level and then tweak.
[2025/06/06, 11:42:05] James: This is certainly the baseline from which all things start
[2025/06/06, 11:42:13] James: And the guanfacine would be for the sake of other people.
[2025/06/06, 11:42:27] James: I’d rather not have the adrenaline. Ha
[2025/06/06, 11:42:41] James: But I think with ari in the equation, I won’t get as frightened
[2025/06/06, 11:42:44] James: Unconsciously
[2025/06/06, 11:43:20] James: The lack of dopamine flushes means that
[2025/06/06, 11:43:21] James: What
[2025/06/06, 11:43:25] James: Insect on window
[2025/06/06, 11:43:25] James: Ha
[2025/06/06, 11:43:27] James: Anyway.
[2025/06/06, 11:43:39] James: My nervous system is switching from sympathetic to para.
[2025/06/06, 11:43:44] James: Never known it.
[2025/06/06, 11:43:50] James: This is why I had to use the last of my fight.
[2025/06/06, 11:44:00] James: Because it is going. The world isn’t scary any more
[2025/06/06, 11:44:06] James: And if the world isn’t scary any more,
[2025/06/06, 11:44:11] James: Why restrain adrenaline?
[2025/06/06, 11:44:15] James: Adrenaline can be fun!
[2025/06/06, 11:44:18] James: But one step at a time
[2025/06/06, 11:44:30] James: Compiling a beta. So this shitty code is legible.
[2025/06/06, 11:45:08] James: It would probably help me hold things in mind too
[2025/06/06, 11:45:15] James: So I needed a shield
[2025/06/06, 11:45:18] James: And it was great.
[2025/06/06, 11:45:22] James: But now I’ve found a home
[2025/06/06, 11:45:27] James: And the shield can be left at the door.
[2025/06/06, 11:45:33] James: I know it’s there if I need it.
[2025/06/06, 11:49:25] James: ..
[2025/06/06, 11:49:31] James: I suppose this is all for my kid too
[2025/06/06, 11:49:38] James: The do-over.
[2025/06/06, 11:49:46] James: Now I can think clearly
[2025/06/06, 11:49:57] James: I feel like I want to get instructions to make his life easier.
[2025/06/06, 11:49:59] James: Make apps.
[2025/06/06, 11:50:26] James: Just…. I’ve had problems and got pretty high (in many ways!) and I think I can use that experience to help others
[2025/06/06, 11:50:32] James: But I need to catch it as it falls out.
[2025/06/06, 11:50:35] James: …
[2025/06/06, 11:51:36] James: I guess the person with the facts will be doubted if they also have a psychiatrist.
[2025/06/06, 11:51:45] James: …
[2025/06/06, 11:54:41] James: 40 days eh. Burning bush.
[2025/06/06, 11:54:43] James: Snort
[2025/06/06, 11:54:48] James: Mind keeps going there.
[2025/06/06, 11:54:52] James: Better not tell anyone.
[2025/06/06, 11:55:03] James: But brain chemistry has been around since brains
[2025/06/06, 11:55:15] James: There must be a kernel of truth.
[2025/06/06, 11:55:17] James: ….
[2025/06/06, 11:56:56] James: Ha
[2025/06/06, 11:57:07] James: I was only joking when I said I’d start a cult
[2025/06/06, 11:57:15] James: I’ll put it online and you can do what you want with it.
[2025/06/06, 11:57:27] James: Now leave me alone.
[2025/06/06, 11:57:41] James: Swearing is really down now. Without effort.
[2025/06/06, 11:57:48] James: No wonder normal people thought I was a dick
[2025/06/06, 11:59:43] James: Yeah probably a bit too Zuck at the mo
[2025/06/06, 11:59:57] James: Guanfacine a little lower maybe. Or just coping mechanisms. Let’s see.
[2025/06/06, 12:00:03] James: Thing people don’t realise
[2025/06/06, 12:00:07] James: All the self improvement
[2025/06/06, 12:00:14] James: It was obviously me trying to improve myself.
[2025/06/06, 12:00:24] James: It didn’t really work. Not for the problems I was trying to improve.
[2025/06/06, 12:00:30] James: The wrong medicine for the job.
[2025/06/06, 12:00:40] James: And those problems… one of them was being a dick.
[2025/06/06, 12:00:42] James: Oh well.
[2025/06/06, 12:00:43] James: ….
[2025/06/06, 12:01:45] James: So I think this is the first time my body has ever come out of fight or flight fully
[2025/06/06, 12:01:48] James: It is strange
[2025/06/06, 12:02:04] James: I am kinda sleepy. Kinda energised.
[2025/06/06, 12:02:14] James: Not entirely used to it yet.
[2025/06/06, 12:02:23] James: …
[2025/06/06, 12:03:09] James: So this is like after a fight
[2025/06/06, 12:03:15] James: That lasted 42 years
[2025/06/06, 12:03:23] James: The adrenaline has gone
[2025/06/06, 12:03:37] James: And I think some bone deep fatigue is now competing with the joy of life
[2025/06/06, 12:03:41] James: Both are new.
[2025/06/06, 12:03:51] James: Both are appropriate responses.
[2025/06/06, 12:03:52] James: Good.
[2025/06/06, 12:03:54] James: ….
[2025/06/06, 12:07:49] James: I suppose the thing about the memory is that you forget shit
[2025/06/06, 12:07:51] James: Bad shit
[2025/06/06, 12:07:52] James: That happened
[2025/06/06, 12:07:58] James: That other people haven’t forgotten
[2025/06/06, 12:08:06] James: And then you get medicated and are happy for the first time ever
[2025/06/06, 12:08:17] James: While their RAM is still full of the shit from the last year.
[2025/06/06, 12:08:32] James: So that’s a disconnect
[2025/06/06, 12:08:45] James: Then you go slack faced and get all excited about saving the world
[2025/06/06, 12:08:48] James: Fucking loonie
[2025/06/06, 12:08:53] James: But
[2025/06/06, 12:09:01] James: It’s part of the system. How the brain works.
[2025/06/06, 12:09:04] James: It can’t be changed.
[2025/06/06, 12:09:09] James: But now we know the problem.
[2025/06/06, 12:09:13] James: We can find a solution.
[2025/06/06, 12:09:18] James: ….
[2025/06/06, 12:09:39] James: I’m like Musk on Twitter. I can understand now. But I’ll not take that path.
[2025/06/06, 12:09:41] James: ….
[2025/06/06, 12:12:27] James: The problem is that I’m too calm.
[2025/06/06, 12:12:32] James: That is weirding people out.
[2025/06/06, 12:12:51] James: I need to seem a bit more tense. But after decades holding a smile. Literally. The release of tension was decades.
[2025/06/06, 12:13:14] James: I can’t do it yet. Cheekbones are slack. And it’s so hard to force them into a smile.
[2025/06/06, 12:13:19] James: I can proper smile.
[2025/06/06, 12:13:22] James: But not fake smile.
[2025/06/06, 12:13:25] James: Interesting.
[2025/06/06, 12:13:26] James: ….
[2025/06/06, 12:23:32] James: Craig was right
[2025/06/06, 12:23:38] James: I am the most autistic man in the world
[2025/06/06, 12:23:42] James: I just had no idea
[2025/06/06, 12:23:43] James: Haha
[2025/06/06, 12:23:48] James: …
[2025/06/06, 12:47:47] James: Physical aversion to holding things in mind and starting too many threads.
[2025/06/06, 12:47:52] James: Gets my back up. A
[2025/06/06, 12:47:57] James: Adrenaline?
[2025/06/06, 12:48:04] James: Traumatised by those 42 years?
[2025/06/06, 12:48:14] James: Is my brain going to block them out now as a trauma response?
[2025/06/06, 12:48:28] James: It doesn’t feel that way.
[2025/06/06, 12:48:58] James: Oh wow
[2025/06/06, 12:49:00] James: Photos
[2025/06/06, 12:49:10] James: Colour (phone is black and white)
[2025/06/06, 12:49:13] James: Old life.
[2025/06/06, 12:49:14] James: Kids.
[2025/06/06, 12:49:15] James: Wife.
[2025/06/06, 12:49:19] James: Vibrant as fuck
[2025/06/06, 12:49:21] James: That’s good
[2025/06/06, 12:49:22] James: And
[2025/06/06, 12:49:30] James: I felt new emotions looking at them
[2025/06/06, 12:49:32] James: Like…
[2025/06/06, 12:49:41] James: The emotions that should have been felt at the time
[2025/06/06, 12:49:44] James: Maybe they were felt
[2025/06/06, 12:49:51] James: But suppressed.
[2025/06/06, 12:50:03] James: Jeckyl and Hyde.
[2025/06/06, 12:50:12] James: All the stories
[2025/06/06, 12:50:14] James: ….
[2025/06/06, 13:01:37] James: So I could never sharpen knives like this
[2025/06/06, 13:01:39] James: Before
[2025/06/06, 13:01:44] James: Never process
[2025/06/06, 13:01:48] James: There was too much noise
[2025/06/06, 13:01:54] James: The art hyperfocus sessions
[2025/06/06, 13:02:02] James: They killed the noise. That’s why we do it.
[2025/06/06, 13:02:22] James: They dial it down by focusing the funnel a little, and then we get a tiny bit of respite to process.
[2025/06/06, 13:02:25] James: But not much
[2025/06/06, 13:02:29] James: …
[2025/06/06, 13:07:46] James: Processes. Escalations. Demotions.
[2025/06/06, 13:08:06] James: So what I’m going now is just throwing stuff into the machine.
[2025/06/06, 13:08:12] James: See what comes out in an hour or two.
[2025/06/06, 13:08:23] James: Temple Grandin said the same and she’s not insane
[2025/06/06, 13:08:26] James: Is she?
[2025/06/06, 13:08:30] James: What is sanity?
[2025/06/06, 13:08:37] James: A standardised view of the world?
[2025/06/06, 13:08:49] James: Sanity… hmmm.
[2025/06/06, 13:08:57] James: Getting philosophical here. Stick to the science.
[2025/06/06, 13:09:26] James: Sane would mean more coherent output.
[2025/06/06, 13:09:32] James: This output is getting more coherent.
[2025/06/06, 13:09:37] James: ….
[2025/06/06, 13:16:15] James: Better stay quiet about the enlightenment thing.
[2025/06/06, 13:16:21] James: Gotta use the language of the time.
[2025/06/06, 13:17:02] James: Fucking breakthrough? Insight? Fuck off
[2025/06/06, 13:17:06] James: No words eh.
[2025/06/06, 14:54:03] James: Purely subjective.
[2025/06/06, 14:54:19] James: If you went to my old world you probably wouldn’t last an hour, never mind a day.
[2025/06/06, 14:54:34] James: Hypothetical you, of course. You might be even worse off.
[2025/06/06, 14:55:13] James: ..
[2025/06/06, 14:55:31] James: Lots of things I thought
[2025/06/06, 14:55:34] James: Lost it
[2025/06/06, 14:55:38] James: Waited too long
[2025/06/06, 14:55:50] James: Need to get 2-3 bits out
[2025/06/06, 14:55:53] James: Build the tracks
[2025/06/06, 14:56:01] James: Or the start at least. I just build them as I go.
[2025/06/06, 14:56:43] James: Man tiring days.
[2025/06/06, 14:56:48] James: Difficult things.
[2025/06/06, 14:56:56] James: Still easier than watching a movie before.
[2025/06/06, 14:57:01] James: Ridiculous.
[2025/06/06, 14:57:04] James: …
[2025/06/06, 15:15:55] James: So I think I don’t know how to identify my body’s cues yet
[2025/06/06, 15:16:00] James: ADHD was loud and it’s now quiet
[2025/06/06, 15:16:18] James: They’re all far milder
[2025/06/06, 15:16:23] James: Hunger is like a tickle
[2025/06/06, 15:16:29] James: Tiredness a slight dizziness.
[2025/06/06, 15:16:47] James: I don’t know what they are yet. It’s very strange. I’ll get there.
[2025/06/06, 15:18:54] James: .
[2025/06/06, 15:18:58] James: no
[2025/06/06, 15:19:10] James: This hasn’t killed fear and stuff
[2025/06/06, 15:19:17] James: It’s just dialled it down
[2025/06/06, 15:19:31] James: And I’m not used to it yet.
[2025/06/06, 15:19:36] James: But it’s heaven and hell.
[2025/06/06, 15:19:38] James: …
[2025/06/06, 15:21:09] James: Each knife is a person or thing.
[2025/06/06, 15:21:19] James: I am making them beautiful
[2025/06/06, 15:21:23] James: Changing their spirit
[2025/06/06, 15:21:30] James: Into the shape they should be
[2025/06/06, 15:21:35] James: They are rusted. Corroded.
[2025/06/06, 15:21:40] James: Some might be beyond repair.
[2025/06/06, 15:21:46] James: But I’ll try.
[2025/06/06, 15:21:50] James: And if it doesn’t work.
[2025/06/06, 15:21:53] James: I’ll know I tried.
[2025/06/06, 15:21:58] James: …
2025/06/06, 15:56:13] James: I honestly wonder if the Buddha did have AuDHD or something. Maybe this is why nirvana is so elusive: you have to be sick to be able to attain it?
[2025/06/06, 15:56:23] James: It’s the comparison with the suffering that makes it?
[2025/06/06, 15:56:38] James: It feels like I had a dark life and the light one is just starting.
[2025/06/06, 15:56:49] James: Did all the things of your day and age.
[2025/06/06, 15:56:52] James: Didn’t find the answer
[2025/06/06, 15:56:55] James: Oh wait
[2025/06/06, 15:56:57] James: It was drugs
[2025/06/06, 15:57:01] James: ….
[2025/06/06, 16:25:32] James: But maybe brain is fast because of low ram
[2025/06/06, 16:25:41] James: Maybe that in itself is a coping mechanism
[2025/06/06, 16:34:31] James: One relationship at a time going forward I think.
[2025/06/06, 16:37:42] James: .
[2025/06/06, 16:37:54] James: Oh god it’s such a relief to have emotions leave your body like they should
[2025/06/06, 16:38:01] James: Time cells man. Fucking time cells.
[2025/06/06, 18:32:00] James: AHAHAHA
[2025/06/06, 18:32:07] James: Just opened facetime and I look like a psychoi
[2025/06/06, 18:32:10] James: slack face
[2025/06/06, 18:32:16] James: no wonder people are freaked out
[2025/06/06, 20:26:36] James: So I never read these
[2025/06/06, 20:26:37] James: Ever
[2025/06/06, 20:26:46] James: I sometimes skim for something to delete
[2025/06/06, 20:26:52] James: But the reason for writing them
[2025/06/06, 20:26:58] James: Is to get things into the black box I think
[2025/06/06, 20:27:05] James: I think I infodump for the same reason
[2025/06/06, 20:27:15] James: Something about outputting it enables me to use it better later
[2025/06/06, 20:27:18] James: Teach to learn
[2025/06/06, 20:27:31] James: So I throw out loads of wild shit
[2025/06/06, 20:27:32] James: Tech
[2025/06/06, 20:27:34] James: God
[2025/06/06, 20:27:37] James: Whatever
[2025/06/06, 20:27:42] James: Just anything
[2025/06/06, 20:27:48] James: Then…
[2025/06/06, 20:27:50] James: Well I wait
[2025/06/06, 20:27:57] James: Until it just… happens
[2025/06/06, 20:28:01] James: And then I just…
[2025/06/06, 20:28:07] James: Facilitate that
[2025/06/06, 20:28:18] James: There’s no effort in your best work
[2025/06/06, 20:28:25] James: It kind of flows from you.
[2025/06/06, 20:28:41] James: And your best work can be anything. It’s the one that sings to you most
[2025/06/06, 20:28:45] James: Fuck everyone else
[2025/06/06, 20:28:49] James: Jambo is my favourite
[2025/06/06, 20:28:58] James: Unrequited second.
[2025/06/06, 20:29:01] James: But Jambo man.
[2025/06/06, 20:29:04] James: Jambo is me
[2025/06/06, 20:29:10] James: I had no idea what he’d look like
[2025/06/06, 20:29:13] James: Tatara bloom
[2025/06/06, 20:29:32] James: Let’s get some high quality ingredients in for the rest of the bake
[2025/06/06, 20:54:51] James: ……
[2025/06/06, 20:54:58] James: We can’t effectively task switch
[2025/06/06, 20:55:01] James: Because dopamine
[2025/06/06, 20:55:05] James: Is irregular so
[2025/06/06, 20:55:11] James: …
[2025/06/06, 20:55:16] James: Lost it
[2025/06/06, 21:29:50] James: Wow that shit was buried deep
[2025/06/06, 21:29:55] James: Took a lot of work to get to it
[2025/06/06, 21:29:58] James: Fuck me.
[2025/06/06, 21:30:04] James: Fucking deep
[2025/06/06, 21:30:22] James: PTSD. Art. Drugs. Meds.
[2025/06/06, 21:30:28] James: It’s all of it, not just meds.
[2025/06/06, 21:30:39] James: Did the job of DMT
[2025/06/06, 21:51:35] James: Yeah do I output data and stream of consciousness with a tiny bit
[2025/06/06, 21:51:37] James: Of filter
[2025/06/06, 21:51:41] James: Really fast
[2025/06/06, 21:51:52] James: But not rushed. Slowed a little. So..
[2025/06/06, 21:52:05] James: Like there’s a little extra water but not much
[2025/06/06, 21:52:07] James: Pushing.
[2025/06/06, 21:52:09] James: Ideas
[2025/06/06, 21:52:23] James: Then you kinda lean into them like dreams and you go and your start in the tracks
[2025/06/06, 21:52:31] James: And then I don’t really know where it’s going to go
[2025/06/06, 21:52:41] James: Sometimes it goes nowhere and sometimes it goes everywhere
[2025/06/06, 21:52:55] James: If I get the wool in my head then it means memory overload and I stop for a while
[2025/06/06, 21:53:01] James: Apart from that I navigate with my gut
[2025/06/06, 21:53:12] James: Left and right and up and down and does this feel right or not
[2025/06/06, 21:53:20] James: If it feels right is stays and if it doesn’t then it goes
[2025/06/06, 21:53:33] James: And in sailing along and it’s going great
[2025/06/06, 21:53:54] James: And then when I near the end I always finish what I’m saying and then kinda stutter and add some dumb shit that I need to delete
[2025/06/06, 21:54:00] James: Right at the end
[2025/06/06, 21:54:06] James: Like the bad golf shot
[2025/06/06, 21:54:21] James: That your gut said no at the last minute
[2025/06/06, 21:54:26] James: Can’t delete a golf shot
[2025/06/06, 21:54:30] James: Can delete a text
[2025/06/06, 21:54:32] James: .
[2025/06/08, 3:14:15] James: So….
[2025/06/08, 3:14:19] James: Bear with me
[2025/06/08, 3:14:52] James: Beta is ready. Starting to coalesce.
[2025/06/08, 3:15:22] James: Properly.
[2025/06/08, 3:17:47] James: So this chat has become executive function in a way. Or this website.
[2025/06/08, 3:17:53] James: Not that simple.
[2025/06/08, 3:18:13] James: It’ll come back James. Chill.
[2025/06/08, 3:34:18] James: So this phone is an external RAM extension
[2025/06/08, 3:34:37] James: I can put things here. Never need to look at them really but they get past the logjam and into the black box.
[2025/06/08, 3:34:45] James: Better than just real ram.
[2025/06/08, 3:35:45] James: I kind of feel like the data from before this change is being purged.
[2025/06/08, 3:36:25] James: Crash course delayed meditation processing? Whatever. It’s crazy fast which is why I keep waking up early. Plus drugs. But that’s fading now.
[2025/06/08, 3:36:40] James: Anyway I think this hard reset is a trauma response.
[2025/06/08, 3:36:42] James: It feels good
[2025/06/08, 3:36:45] James: It’s not
[2025/06/08, 3:36:46] James: Haha
[2025/06/08, 3:36:50] James: Yes it is though!!!
[2025/06/08, 3:36:55] James: It’s fucking GREAT
[2025/06/08, 3:37:07] James: I think my brain is like ‘we are out of the woods n
[2025/06/08, 3:37:27] James: So let’s erase that shit before we even realise how bad it was.
[2025/06/08, 3:37:31] James: By making knives.
[2025/06/08, 3:37:41] James: Pretty sure
[2025/06/08, 3:37:53] James: And that’s why I’m concerned and want people to leave me be
[2025/06/08, 3:38:20] James: I’m going to set up a sharpening chair in our upstairs room and go into full meditation mode
[2025/06/08, 3:38:22] James: My style
[2025/06/08, 3:38:32] James: My style of free association here.
[2025/06/08, 3:39:00] James: I think the whole last few years was prep for this. Learning how to stream my unconscious as best possible
[2025/06/08, 3:39:03] James: Still learning
[2025/06/08, 3:39:10] James: Get it out of my memory
[2025/06/08, 3:39:17] James: But my memory is shit. Or rather
[2025/06/08, 3:39:38] James: The data pipeline narrow. The data and the data processing is fast. I can extrapolate.
[2025/06/08, 3:39:47] James: Fucking AI man
[2025/06/08, 3:40:12] James: Hi Fred! Still happy I didn’t do that business. Fuck that.
[2025/06/08, 3:40:14] James: Anyway ha
[2025/06/08, 3:40:19] James: Errr
[2025/06/08, 3:40:26] James: I am mostly far more coherent.
[2025/06/08, 3:40:46] James: But was thrown for a while there. Life events. Not your concern. Getting back on the rails
[2025/06/08, 3:41:16] James: I’ve always forgotten things. The others… a month?
[2025/06/08, 3:42:05] James: So there’s free association
[2025/06/08, 3:42:11] James: Scribbling words on the page
[2025/06/08, 3:42:16] James: Drawing (shit)
[2025/06/08, 3:42:25] James: Cutting wood / pattern matching there
[2025/06/08, 3:42:31] James: Pattern matching with recruitment
[2025/06/08, 3:42:42] James: Planning and such with Ironman
[2025/06/08, 3:42:49] James: Some weird data in here
[2025/06/08, 3:42:58] James: Then…
[2025/06/08, 3:43:19] James: I guess I am trying to release a lifetime of unknown trauma and process it through my body.
[2025/06/08, 3:43:23] James: Wow.
[2025/06/08, 3:43:32] James: Different when you think of it like that.
[2025/06/08, 3:43:51] James: That’s probably gonna get more sympathy than ‘enlightenment’. Ffs James.
[2025/06/08, 3:43:59] James: Happy. But your fucking audience man.
[2025/06/08, 3:44:14] James: Speak to your audience.
[2025/06/08, 3:44:23] James: Anyway it’s something like that.
[2025/06/08, 3:44:51] James: Dopamine is re-encoding old memories
[2025/06/08, 3:44:54] James: I…
[2025/06/08, 3:44:58] James: Imagine
[2025/06/08, 3:45:14] James: All these people in life. This one kid in school in particular n
[2025/06/08, 3:45:28] James: Hit me in the back of the head with chairs. Etc.
[2025/06/08, 3:46:02] James: I could see his pain and tried to help but got hurt in return for several years. I was probably complicit but hey
[2025/06/08, 3:46:12] James: That guy ended up in prison
[2025/06/08, 3:46:18] James: Broken family broken life
[2025/06/08, 3:46:22] James: My…
[2025/06/08, 3:46:27] James: I feel no anger to him
[2025/06/08, 3:46:29] James: Only compassion
[2025/06/08, 3:46:46] James: Now I can see how bad it was, and now I can process this
[2025/06/08, 3:47:41] James: I think it’s a very privileged situation to be in. And I feel … such sympathy for people in the same situation.
[2025/06/08, 3:47:49] James: The dragon isn’t dead. It’s restrained.
[2025/06/08, 3:48:08] James: And when they say ari can sometimes permanently reset your dopamine system after 3 months …
[2025/06/08, 3:48:18] James: Maybe it patches some holes letting them heal
[2025/06/08, 3:48:35] James: But also maybe it enables your brain to parse a life time of shit soup
[2025/06/08, 3:48:44] James: By stopping the shit soup
[2025/06/08, 3:48:58] James: And maybe you can go back for more
[2025/06/08, 3:49:00] James: But fuck that
[2025/06/08, 3:49:02] James: I worked hard
[2025/06/08, 3:49:20] James: I earned my money. Through hard fucking graft.
[2025/06/08, 3:49:22] James: And pain
[2025/06/08, 3:49:24] James: Not luck
[2025/06/08, 3:49:27] James: So fuck that
[2025/06/08, 3:49:41] James: I’ll pay my 620 yen and have my MDMA lite for the rest of my life
[2025/06/08, 3:49:52] James: (You know MDMA was a pharmaceutical right?)
[2025/06/08, 3:50:08] James: Cos I was born with something a little broken
[2025/06/08, 3:50:15] James: And that tiny little different
[2025/06/08, 3:51:06] James: And I think it might be trying to fix some of the psychological scarring caused by that ‘tiny thing’.
[2025/06/08, 3:51:12] James: But yeah.
[2025/06/08, 3:51:19] James: This is why I need space guys
[2025/06/08, 3:51:28] James: A lifetime of trauma that needs processing.
[2025/06/08, 3:51:30] James: I’m happy now
[2025/06/08, 3:51:33] James: I won’t be
[2025/06/08, 3:51:38] James: I will acclimatise
[2025/06/08, 3:51:43] James: And shit will get real
[2025/06/08, 3:52:16] James: And I’d rather be sharpening polishing god damn I need to change that word too
[2025/06/08, 3:52:19] James: Polishing knives
[2025/06/08, 3:52:29] James: I don’t put an edge on them!
[2025/06/08, 3:52:37] James: Kids!
[2025/06/08, 3:52:38] James: Anyway
[2025/06/08, 3:52:59] James: The tiny storm that has enveloped me for the last few days is over.
[2025/06/08, 3:53:07] James: Huge to everyone else
[2025/06/08, 3:53:10] James: And now…
[2025/06/08, 3:53:13] James: Fucking hell
[2025/06/08, 3:53:18] James: Time for the real deal
[2025/06/08, 3:53:29] James: I will use Buddhist terms if I like.
[2025/06/08, 3:53:33] James: My science is not checked.
[2025/06/08, 3:53:42] James: I will go waaaaaaaay out there maybe
[2025/06/08, 3:53:45] James: Fuck it
[2025/06/08, 3:53:52] James: The steps DO NOT NEED TO BE ACCURATE
[2025/06/08, 3:54:02] James: You do not know what happens in the black box
[2025/06/08, 3:54:06] James: It does not matter
[2025/06/08, 3:54:25] James: What matters is correct output and speed of answer
[2025/06/08, 3:54:30] James: The data in my head
[2025/06/08, 3:54:39] James: Is gold
[2025/06/08, 3:54:50] James: And now I can parse it.
[2025/06/08, 3:54:52] James: Finally
[2025/06/08, 3:54:56] James: So let’s fucking see
[2025/06/08, 3:55:01] James: And fuck anyone
[2025/06/08, 3:55:04] James: Ha
[2025/06/08, 3:55:08] James: Still got a bit of anger
[2025/06/08, 3:55:21] James: It’s gonna go like this forever. Cast a net. Get crazy. Scare some people.
[2025/06/08, 3:55:28] James: Reel it in. Get a kernel of truth
[2025/06/08, 3:55:29] James: Rest
[2025/06/08, 3:55:38] James: (Not this time… but resting now)
[2025/06/08, 3:56:04] James: (A little imperfection in the tatara is fine. I’m not the Buddha, but I’m trying to get closer)
[2025/06/08, 3:56:26] James: Cast a net
[2025/06/08, 3:56:31] James: You throw further when you shout.
[2025/06/08, 3:56:49] James: Fucking hell man and I thought I was ‘normal’
[2025/06/08, 3:56:54] James: But I will be, I think
[2025/06/08, 3:57:05] James: Thanks to this tech I’ve always had a love hate relationship with
[2025/06/08, 3:57:07] James: And drugs.
[2025/06/08, 3:57:12] James: Which I’ve always fucking loved. Always
[2025/06/08, 3:57:46] James: Oh god. Going back to England occasionally? All for the drugs if I’m honest. And all I did was weed
[2025/06/08, 3:58:00] James: Dopaminergic effects yo. Calmed the ADHD.
[2025/06/08, 3:58:25] James: And the narrative. Anyway. I have evidence now. My gut was right the law was wrong.
[2025/06/08, 3:58:41] James: Anyway yeah.
[2025/06/08, 3:59:15] James: I’ll avoid any ‘autistic dos and don’ts’ Fuck that.
[2025/06/08, 4:00:27] James: Knowing me I’ll straddle tech and philosophy with a bit of religion. Divergent thinking might as well be insanity but it’s always been there and sanity is just a rule of numbers
[2025/06/08, 4:00:31] James: Nobody is sane
[2025/06/08, 4:00:38] James: So
[2025/06/08, 4:00:40] James: Fuck it
[2025/06/08, 4:00:41] James: Haha
[2025/06/08, 4:00:47] James: Let’s publish this shit on the internet
[2025/06/08, 4:00:59] James: Part od the urgency to get this out there I think was to keep the mask off
[2025/06/08, 4:01:38] James: I think that’s why ‘we’ all do it (god those ND videos on YouTube mostly piss me off)
[2025/06/08, 4:01:50] James: Anyway I think it’s to say ‘no more. Here I am’
[2025/06/08, 4:02:10] James: I feel like a … almost like a kid coming out of a shell.
[2025/06/08, 4:02:23] James: Kind of makes sense. If you’ve had a lifetime of unknown trauma
[2025/06/08, 4:02:23] James: No
[2025/06/08, 4:02:27] James: No
[2025/06/08, 4:02:30] James: Like Akira
[2025/06/08, 4:03:26] James: When he wakes up
[2025/06/08, 4:03:28] James: Ha
[2025/06/08, 4:03:34] James: That never made it to the western version
[2025/06/08, 4:03:49] James: Check the manga. It’s fucking great. The anime is only 1/3 the story
[2025/06/08, 4:03:52] James: Anyway
[2025/06/08, 4:03:58] James: Just need a little time to stand.
[2025/06/08, 4:04:05] James: Reprogram.
[2025/06/08, 4:04:20] James: Gone my whole life reprogramming this. Changing the narrative that.
[2025/06/08, 4:04:27] James: Very effectively. Maybe because single thread.
[2025/06/08, 4:04:32] James: Time for the real deal.
[2025/06/08, 4:04:43] James: I can’t believe I got this chance.
[2025/06/08, 4:04:59] James: But again - a career in recruitment training myself to spot matches
[2025/06/08, 4:05:06] James: A job description and a candidate
[2025/06/08, 4:05:12] James: I can feel good about my career now
[2025/06/08, 4:05:17] James: On a personal reward level
[2025/06/08, 4:05:26] James: Oh my god what a realisation.
[2025/06/08, 4:05:56] James: I fucking hated that job. The RSD is what makes ADHD folks ‘good’ recruiters and the ASD is what made me great
[2025/06/08, 4:06:18] James: But I feel no +1 from money.
[2025/06/08, 4:06:52] James: Now my +1 isn’t tied to ‘approval’ (actually dopamine flushing; potentially the biggest reframing of this whole thing)
[2025/06/08, 4:06:54] James: Anyway
[2025/06/08, 4:07:18] James: This is liberating and healing in a 1mg pill, for people like me.
[2025/06/08, 4:07:25] James: I can’t state it strongly enough
[2025/06/08, 4:07:38] James: And I don’t know. This might also be a new diagnosis in a pill
[2025/06/08, 4:07:52] James: ‘Neurodegenerative whatnot bladibla’
[2025/06/08, 4:08:29] James: ADHD is just a fucking blanket term you fucking naysayers and I am only getting more convinced so show me evidence to the contrary or get out the way
[2025/06/08, 4:08:35] James: Anyway
[2025/06/08, 4:08:46] James: It’s fucking great news.
[2025/06/08, 4:08:50] James: In a world of craving
[2025/06/08, 4:08:53] James: A world of desire
[2025/06/08, 4:09:07] James: Divergent thinking and extrapolation:
[2025/06/08, 4:09:19] James: What if it can literally cure the world?
[2025/06/08, 4:09:35] James: What if the human genome went wonky and most of our problems are because of leaky dopamine?
[2025/06/08, 4:09:44] James: Now THAT is insane
[2025/06/08, 4:09:51] James: But it’s not. It’s my thought process
[2025/06/08, 4:09:59] James: You cast it out. You reel it back.
[2025/06/08, 4:10:06] James: And I figured I’d share a bit of that
[2025/06/08, 4:10:17] James: Because I’ve always been told you can’t see in someone else’s brain
[2025/06/08, 4:10:32] James: And maybe this fucking brain wanted a solution to the ram problem so is trying to become an AI
[2025/06/08, 4:10:41] James: Single thread certainly sounds more doable
[2025/06/08, 4:10:49] James: See you in the Metaverse Zuck.
[2025/06/08, 4:10:56] James: Robot wars
[2025/06/08, 4:11:06] James: Fucking hell yeah.
[2025/06/08, 4:11:17] James: Let’s do this. Who gives a flying fuck eh.
[2025/06/08, 4:11:29] James: This is the final frontier.
[2025/06/08, 4:12:51] James: Time for another chapter: spiritualism on a personal level but trying to extrapolate the biochemical causes so that they can be replicated
[2025/06/08, 4:13:00] James: .
[2025/06/08, 4:13:02] James: Meh
[2025/06/08, 4:13:08] James: I’m just going to process this trauma
[2025/06/08, 4:13:19] James: And turn myself from an angry person into a happy person
[2025/06/08, 4:13:22] James: Intentionally
[2025/06/08, 4:13:31] James: I’m going to feel positive about that
[2025/06/08, 4:13:49] James: And I now know why I felt a little… attacked for sharing the positivity.
[2025/06/08, 4:14:28] James: But nobody knows what that positivity is the reflection of. I’m not sure anybody, including myself, should ever really know
[2025/06/08, 4:14:40] James: Not really
[2025/06/08, 4:14:47] James: You use a boat to cross a river
[2025/06/08, 4:14:52] James: And then you leave it behind.
[2025/06/08, 4:15:22] James: Converging threads.
[2025/06/08, 4:15:40] James: It’s how my brain works and there’s a scientific explanation. And the brain worked very well
[2025/06/08, 4:15:43] James: for other people
[2025/06/08, 4:15:54] James: for their wallets, not their hearts
[2025/06/08, 4:16:18] James: Now it’s about making it work well for myself.
[2025/06/08, 4:16:21] James: End
[2025/06/08, 4:16:27] James: /////////
[2025/06/08, 4:17:02] James: Never cry hurt too much