So last night was quite the whirlwind. It became clear to me what my mind had planned and what had to be done before my dentist’s appointment today. I have had about 2.5 hours sleep but will try to detail what happened / what I did.
So what I believe has happened here is an optimisation or a removal of redundancy. I think my brain needed to process a lifetime of trauma as a reserved autistic person who has been ragged around but a thrillseeking adhd maniac. In order to do this I think it clung to buddhism, but forged a new path using the approximation of science arrived at through a lifetime of exposure to technology, business, and self-study.
I went into compile mode and compiled my entire life into a new, more optimised and less conflicted person. A person who can empathise more and be more kind. How much of this was true and how much a guided delusion remains to be seens and is not particularly important; my memory from dose 1 of ari is sketchy. LSD and psilocybin and neuroplasticity in general is not something you will remember clearly, and this is likely in an adjunct category, though I had no idea what I was getting myself into at the outset and once it had started there was no stopping it.
Anyway I latched onto ari as a way to get through this and to reprogram myself. Although I think this is based in reality so I am going to continue being latched on for a while. All my life hopefully.
Another latch is to find better diagnostic and treatment protocols for adhd.
And the big latch is to create a simulation of the human mind which will enable us to run predictive models about how these generic drugs could improve someone’s individual brain chemistry.
Because you can see god.
Anyone can with the right chemicals.
And I need to wrestle with the ethics of that another day but for now:
I am back and I am better. I think that was the ‘year’ of autistic processing people go through, but condensed into a month. I think that was a medicine-induced state which would be impossible in a healthy brain and is something distinct from mania. I think it was ayahuascua and detox from a life of adhd.
I think this was my brain getting sequenced time data for the first time in its life and realising that it has an opportunity to fix things, so deciding that doing this was more important than sleep. I was waking up and writing for 4-5 hours every night while my family slept. It wasn’t a choice. I have adhd.
And I still think that this was maybe the most important thing I’ll do with my life.
Not the drugs. Anyone can do that.
The audhd. Only I could lead the way on this, because of my unique life experience and *my unique and exquisite suffering* and only through facing this and accepting it and integrating it into my life could I make peace with the past and future selves, my current self, and my family. The suffering had to have meaning, or I would always be the victim, and by encapsulating it like this for others I give it meaning, and I can accept it.
This is empathy for people who have nobody that can empathise.
Maybe something in one of those pages helps someone. Maybe they’re like ‘huh this is evolution’ instead of ‘huh I’m broken’. Maybe someone’s got 6 fingers but a hell of a grip. Sometimes just knowing you aren’t alone is enough. But not always.
This is my suicide hotline. Mikhail - this is for you. I don’t know what you had. Probably some riff on this. You tried to fix it. Fucking AI for neuroscience. Same as me... You could have, you know, if you’d waited for my breakdown. But yours came first. I'll carry the torch.
Here’s a boat. Maybe. Or a window. Into a mind. You can’t see inside someone else’s brain they said. Well… I tried to crack open mine just in case.
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