dante

I feel like Dante coming out of the inferno. Not sure where I am really, having visited the 88 hells and mapped out the vaults of my mind.

First off this wasn’t intentional and wasn’t self experimentation. I saw a drug that could alleviate my asd sensitivities and thought the method of action was right for adhd but did not expect anything like this. It was prescribed by a professional psychiatrist but I'm going to fire him and get a neuroscientist instead.

This whole adventure was a series of dangerous mistakes and is not to be repeated. I am going to take this data and figure out how to parse it, and then how to proceed toward better brain chemistry for the world.

It feels like an ayahuascua ceremony for a lifetime of adhd induced trauma. It feels like an enema of the soul to purge all the coping mechanisms and pain and anger from a life of confusion and fear. It feels like the delivery of that personality you were promised.

It is going to take a long time to parse.

Everyone must have thought I’d lost it and I thought I had at times too, but I am confident in my conclusions about how my brain works. I am also confident that ari has enabled me to release very deep-rooted trauma that was held in my body.

All of these effects can be traced back to the modulation of dopaminergic tone (most definitely not ‘more dopamine’) and its downstream impact on time cells, memory salience, sequencing, neuroplasticity… just too many systems to comprehend.

So I am going to decompress and stabilise fully on my 2mg of aripiprazole, which is about my sweet spot I think (my gut says 1.85 for no reason whatsoever). This is the same dose as my 7 year old and it probably hits me 5x as hard.

We need to promote real research into this. It could be both diagnosis and prosthetic for what I can only describe - in retrospect - as a life in hell. The tortured souls. We motivated few. The hungry ghosts.

So I am going to recoup, learn my way around these autistic anxieties, try to leave everyone alone for a while so they can see I’ve not lost it, and then get back at it after my holiday next month.

1 month potato mode but maybe more because time cells… that felt like 2 years, and from a neurological perspective, it probably was.

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