Alright so I slept on it and I’m more fired up than ever. I think I’m going to build a company which matches generic meds to brain chemistries.
Yesterday I printed out the dhammapada and I plan to spend the next 423 days making knives and meditating on the words of the buddha, and my life. Not just the words; mostly my life and how they relate. It has become very clear that you can sub ‘brain chemistry’ for ‘mind’ in the buddha’s teachings.
Anyway I was the first person to recruit for AI in Japan and helped build many successful companies. I know the best technologists in Japan; as in I know them and they know me and we have probably dealt with each other. They respect me. Unlike those podcast guys ha! But they’re good guys; they just saw someone go loopy because of meds and must have seen it thousands of times before.
Al - if you read this - your one email just ‘click’ and snapped me out of it. It’s what I needed. Because the problem with mania is it builds unless someone disproves it, and the problem with mine is that I was probably right. Then… I’m contacting founders yesterday like ‘is this mania’ and no - it’s not - I have always worked like this.
Anyway.
This is what I want to do. But I only want to spend 1 day a week on it. So I will find deputies. I will be the ethicist. I will not plan; already gone into why. Follow the gut.
Just think of the positive impact you could have if you matched generic meds to brain chemistries. The amount of suicides prevented and wives saves. The number of car crashes and murders and fights prevented. The general improvement in quality of life. Hell… even the prevention of war. This all ties into brain chemistry.
Mind precedes all mental states. Mind is their chief; they are all mind-wrought.
If I can alter the mind, I can alter all. This is so self-evident. Every external pursuit is to change the mind. There is nothing else. Mind is all.
And this website - well this is my mind. Welcome! You can have a look around but keep your opinion to yourself (unless I know you in which case… selectively keep it to yourself?)
20250701
So you go to the dentist and they spend 6 hours repairing a single tooth and giving you a prosthetic. You do to a brain doctor and they give you 5 minutes and a pat on the back or some weak speed if you’re lucky. Seems wrong.
1020
happy
Our fetishisation of happiness is almost as harmful as our obsession with productivity.
What is happiness?
I spent my life getting the thrills and the spills; they scratched the itch for a while but were not happiness. They made the void bigger.
The only thing that can fill the void is the universe. That sounds like new age shit so let me elaborate.
The void is filled when we are in flow. Flow is when our memory is full front-to-back, but it’s pleasant.
Input -> processing -> output is smooth
Let’s view it as wind through a canyon on the planet of your self. This canyon run is your personage, shaped through a lifetime of experience. The wind that flows through my canyon will be very different to the wind that flows through yours.
So while we are being told that a Ferrari will fill the void… well it might. But only while you’re actually driving it and engaging with it; while it’s filling the void with the universe of horsepower.
Happiness is such a fucking bullshit word because it is inherently impossible to define and achieve. Fuck that shit. Find your shine, YOLO, motherfucker.
202507011556
unconscious
I guess this is actually a really challenging time. It’s understandable that I would wake up and be unable to sleep because of backed-up thoughts. I was just lying there now, listening to the frogs outside the window, and I remembered how … how I had to blast white noise from a large speaker directly under my head just so I could sleep. It would be a case of gritting my teeth and hoping I can ride one of those beta-waves into unconsciousness.
That wasn’t sleep. It was exhaustion. My mind reached the point where it stopped functioning. And looking back at myself, tossing in bed while everyone sleeps peacefully, tortured by a sound that nobody else can hear, blasting noise into your head, losing your mind, for your whole life. No wonder I hated bed.
The most basic of human needs - sleep - denied. Yet the advice: go to bed at a regular time, good sleep hygiene, yoga… these things don’t fucking work if you have audhd. They don’t fucking work. And you don’t know you have it so for 42 years you do all the things that you are told and absolutely nothing changes.
No wonder you leave. Whatever you try you fail. Sleep. Who fails sleep?
But you don’t fail at the things people notice. Oh no. You can’t allow yourself to fail at those.
So the failings are all personal, private, painful. They eat you up inside. Why don’t I sleep right? Why do I overthink? Why am I obsessing about this comment? Why can’t I let it go?
It’s because you’re fucking autistic mate and you always have been and the amount of suffering I could have spared myself by finding out just one week earlier.
Everything seems trite. Everything. Apart from maybe death. Everything else though; nothing. The past self vs future self? Trite shite. All of my talk of ‘stress points’ and trying to flip your stress from negative to positive… Everything. It’s all just peanuts.
The only thing that comes close to this in terms of sheer scale of the change in my world is what the buddha talked about. This is why I am focusing there. Because nothing else comes close to summarising the difference that this has made to my life.
It honestly has taken me from hell to being a fairly positive human being. Actual hell; brain chemistry hell. The heaven and the hell of the soul; the modalities of being; the mind which precedes all. If the mind that precedes all is in hell, then all will be hell. And if you were born to hell, then hell is all you know.
Until you open your eyes.
With the help of medicine.
All this crap that big pharma gets. I get it, I do. But I’ve also built businesses and worked in the real world. You think arty farty fucking pink and blue butterflies will get anything done? You can fuck off back to dreamland mate.
You need to make them see the money.
So I think that’s what I’ll do. This change in me is so damned profound. Yet also so personal and utterly impossible to share. I think I’m going to try to build a company which will help fix the brain chemistries of people like me, and hopefully others.
I have connections and knowledge from my past life which kind of fit together in a unique way in this unique phase in human history. If there has ever been a person, time and place to build a company using AI to identify brain chemistry meds, this is it.
Syzygy is everywhere.
202507020106
hamon
I’m not really interested in hamon and much prefer hada. Hamon is the temper line, and hada are the grain from the folded steel. Hamon is for show and hada is for stength. Not quite that simple but close; war blades don’t have flashy hamon.
So a blade is made from 2 types of steel, with hard cutting steel jacketed between softer, cushioning steel. Rigid and flexible. It is pretty easy to get a visible hamon (the wavy white line) if you just use natural stones that cut one metal more than the other. It’s boring. And hamon-centric blades were just for show anyway.
Hada. That’s where it’s at for me. Folded steel.
The hada are more prominent in war blades where function was more important than form. They are a remnant of the steel being folded, beaten, folded, beaten, to crush out the impurities.
Polishing for a basic hamon is easy but finding a hada; not so much. You have to work for hours and even then… it’s a maybe. You start with the stock removal and shaping, but once you get onto the detail polishing you’re looking at a good few hours more.
And even then, you don’t know until then end what you’re going to get. ‘Maybe this blade is the one that wasn’t folded’ you think, as your 30,000 grit-equivalent natural stone starts to … wait… and there it is.
Just like polishing epoxy, or a mirror, it’s not clear until the end. That last little step is just as big as the first one. The clicking over into enlightenment. The trauma response.
Polishing a blade is like that. And it’s so easy when it’s easy. You just relax and flow. But a single errant newton in your fingertip and it’s all for naught, back to the start. That doesn’t matter though; these blades are a process without a goal.
But I find the parallel nice. Here I was rubbing myself (ha!) and it just was… not quite working… and then… 1:75,000,000 aripiprazole and there’s the hada.
The tatara bloom. The AI trained on captive data. The grain in the steel. My art, even. These are all things you just never see, and in fact could never exist, unless the process was allowed to complete.
Maybe the pain and the suffering was necessary. Maybe the traumatised trees are the most beautiful after all.
202507020356
These world leaders all look like psychopaths to me. Walking around with their hands in their pockets and their red ties and slicked back hair while they kill their citizens with penmanship.
And then the other way it’s all crypto this crypto that with people saying it will change the world while it’s just the next, exponentially worse iteration of the concentration of wealth.
But if everyone’s panic buying toilet paper then what else are you to do?
Well this has to stop.
You say that and people look at you like you’re crazy. Tell these people to actually stop? Not.. like.. have a protest. Like… how do you get these horrible people from killing their supporters?
The only solution I see is - yeah - brain chemistry.
Because everyone is afraid.
That’s why these people are in power.
Fear sells.
This is why crypto has blinded people to seeing how it all pans out.
Because we all need toilet paper.
So how do you get out of this societal looped thought? That’s what we’re in right now - a looped thought of paranoia, fear and greed. It has reached critical mass and is feeding into itself and something needs to change.
One outcome is war. I think this is likely and reckon doge did its harm in the first 3 months, as I tried to say with trussed. I hope I’m wrong, but if I’m right then… well.. Elon seems to have gotten worse so I’m not as optimistic that it would be a peaceful empire for the proletariat. And once AI is involved there’s no uprising.
So if you want to get rid of these people you need to stop voting for them. The way you do that is to make people see clearly by easing a little bit of their mental anguish. People who are in physical pain can’t think clearly and neither can those in mental pain.
I actually can’t think of another way. Everything to date has failed, and an assassination would just make a hydra. You have to usurp them from the grass roots. And what’s more grass roots than a brain?
This is the new guerrilla warfare if we can get the ball rolling. I’m talking about buddhamed like it’s already a thing and the idea only came to me 20 hours ago. Buddhamed, ha! This is just how my brain works. Say what you see.
Anyway. Need to think of a way to put all this stuff into a pitch deck. ‘Save the world’ is usually met with laughs, and I am still just impulsive enough to knock out a few teeth.
202507020452
time
So here we are again at 0100, awake, feeling more rested than ever. I’m sure it’s because of dopamine signalling and internal timing issues, but don’t feel like it’s an issue.
To explain: I used to ‘sleep’ 8 hours a night but actually it would be 1+ hour of trying to sleep followed by a waking or two at night with 30 min periods getting back off. It was poor quality sleep.
Time blindness is apparently a thing though you wouldn’t have convinced me I had any issues. I actually… maybe I didn’t have too many issues, because I was high functioning I might have force-of-willed it. But now I’m medicated it’s different.
I have no idea what time of day it is. Have we eaten lunch or dinner or are we about to? I can think for an instant and know, but intuitively I haven’t a clue. Hunger isn’t quite so bad, but it is similarly impacted.
So time cells. More dopamine means more ticks, I think. This means more dopamine feels faster and less feels slower, in the moment; retroactively memory salience encoding can mean the opposite.
I go to sleep. I guess I need 10,000 ticks before my body says ‘wake’. Well now I am getting those ticks throughout the night, and it means that my body is mentally rested and recovered to the same degree sleeping 4 hours a night, as when I was sleeping 8 previously.
That means I am 50% ADHD.
Seriously; can we quantify someone’s adhd severity by how much their sleep changes when starting aripiprazole and establishing a time cell baseline? It’s a physical change in dopamine regularity. It’s science.
So I guess I somehow managed away my time blindness and hunger blindness, tiredness blindness, by just… adapting. And now the blindness is gone, my eyes are adapting to the glare?
I’m pretty happy waking up at this time, working on me, thinking about things, before the kids get up and I go back to the real world. I think I’ll just let it be. Why force 8 hours a night if you don’t need it?
3am is more ideal and I’d say I’m averaging about 5.5 hours a night though and a snort nap so it’s fine. I previously trained 2 hours a day, worked my ass off, and ‘slept’ 7.5 hours. I was so tired.
Anyway that’s over now. Hard to believe. Probably some pink cloud remaining but I think this is a new baseline.
202507030127
time
Since starting aripiprazole it’s become obvious that I had time blindness but had managed it away, and that’s resulted in a kind of reverse-blindness now.
Because of regular dopamine signalling throughout the night, my mind is getting its prerequisite number of ticks in 5 hours instead of 8. I have also cut out all the tossing and turning I used to endure after nighttime awakenings.
All of this means that I am spending about two hours less in bed that would not have been asleep, and 1 hour less that would have been asleep. It’s not a big change, and the sleep quality is so much better for dopamine stability.
During the day I don’t intuitively know if it’s morning or evening; whether we’ve eaten or are waiting to. A quick scan and I know, but intuitively I don’t.
Emotional salience is higher too so it will be interesting to see how that affects the perfection of time as viewed through memory, which is often the opposite of how it’s experienced in the moment.
20250703
enlightenment
Here’s a wild idea: maybe enlightenment is so hard to achieve because most people are already enlightened?
The way my wife and I approached yoga was very different before aripiprazole. For me: perfection, tempering the soul, self-discipline, hatha. For her: pleasure, relaxation, routine, self-care.
Same for meditation. I went in with the intent to become enlightened. Most people do not, and somehow I felt embarrassed about that, despite meditation being a tool that was literally created for this purpose.
So what is enlightenment?
Well it’s a brain state.
Sorry buddha, mate, but there’s a definition. We just don’t know it yet because we don’t have the language, but if we build the tech then we can map it out.
B-man describes it as a falling away of desire. That’s it; ignore everything else; they’re all subsidiary to desire. Desire is dopamine. Craving is attachment: monotropic thinking and rsd. And dopamine *fluctuations*, not overall dopamine levels.
Maybe the vast majority of people do not have these matters to address. Maybe their brains do it automatically. Maybe this is why my friends stopped smoking weed and drinking heavily without effort; because their brains were functioning normally and said ‘woah nelly that’s a bit too much dopamine for a single substance’.
Buddha talks about rebirth, the fractured self, there being no self, the eternal now. Everything is on a continuum. There is no ‘bang’ enlightened for most of us. For most of us, we incrementally move in the right direction, and I think that happens with time.
Maybe most brains just gradually head toward enlightenment / acceptance as they near old age and death. Their dopamine fluctuations die down and the waves in the pool settle. My grandad seemed very at peace with things when I spoke with him last.
But maybe because of irregular time sequencing and processing of emotions, those with audhd can’t do this. And maybe the buddha turned his trauma mechanism on himself and killed his desire that way.
Pretty wild if so. That’s some next-level biohacking.
202507030331
meditation
So meditation is oldschool treatment for ADHD. It strengthens the PFC and improves executive function. It’s also the single most unpleasant thing you can do as someone with ADHD. I did lots of it.
PFC seems like top-down control; you are trying to manipulate the weather on your planet by making the mountains bigger. You might be able to build an ‘island unto yourself’ which floats above the cloud of emotions, but probably you won’t.
All those people, closed eyes, suffering. They are not at peace. If they were at peace, they would not be trying to be at peace.
Medication approached the problem from the opposite angle. While meditation is methodically building up an island through blood and tears, medication is an external factor than calms your weather.
Same problem, opposite solution. Which brings better results, for adhd symptoms? Well… I did a lot of meditation. And then I took 1mg of medication.
20250703
I think what is happening is my mind is spooling off 42 years of data that was gathered in the steel wool all this time.
So these words seem to bubble up without rhyme or reason. I will be working a blade and out of nowhere an emotion will hit, I’ll process the blade, process the emotion, it leaves the body.
The words are the same thing, I think. I think they are the volitional action that I learned over the years. The steel wool. That eventually became so tangled and chaotic that I imploded.
Well taking the megadose of aripiprazole seems to have smashed the steel wool. I actually saw it happen while messed up; a pendulum smashing my learned behaviours / mask.
So I think it shattered the dam and now the flow is open, but the memory is still small and processing still bad. So I need to stim with a repetitive motion that occupies my reward centre but doesn’t require active processing; this enables the brain to be in TPN mode and process emotions in an ancillary manner. I think.
Anyway this shit is coming out thick and fast and if I don’t catch it now it’s gone forever. And some of it is valuable. Some of it is shite. Thats’s why I imploded. But some is fucking gold and will help people.
So yeah I think I’m finally doing my print job and I have about 4 pages backed up at all times.
202507031532
explain
Trying to think of ways to explain this to people which are neither insulting nor sound crazy. ‘Nirvana’ was a word invented for this purpose but I kind of think it’s past its best by date.
So… er… everything is peanuts your money is peanuts your relationships and dreams are all peanuts? Is that offensive? Sorry James 1. I feel compassion for you chasing them all those years.
Not fit for task.
Technology analogy is that I’ve gone from a command line to a user interface. The OS has improved. The peanuts I was talking about are all programs.
So the old OS ran all the programs, mostly efficiently in terms os in/out, but you don’t know how the AI works; that’s the thing. You don’t know the black box or someone else’s brain and that’s the point of this website. Maybe I’m not that weird after all, or maybe I am! IDGAF any more. Peanuts, see.
So the platform is better. The processor is fast and the data pipeline is clean. The noise in the system is drastically reduced. The AI is still the same, but the noise was crazy.
So dats is now clean in and clean fast; annoyingly so. But most important: it does not use the same resources as the old processes.
The system is not overclocked and heading to burnout. The memory is still limited but the noise is low.
More efficacy in every walk of life. But that doesn’t come close to the subjective experience. Nobody can empathise with an overclocked CPU; not even me.
202507032109
dancing man
Can’t get this chap out of my head. At the convenience store. 25 maybe, looks like a cool, nice guy, baggy clothes, couple of tattoos. He’s facing the wall, on the balls of his feet, kinda bouncing from foot to foot, smoking, rolling his shoulders, rolling them, getting the tension out, bouncing, rolling his jaw. Head side to side; has to keep moving like a boxer; no idea he’s been in withdrawal his whole life.
This is a dangerous man.
To other people he would probably look like a nice guy. Outgoing, fun.
Dangerous.
That man was barely in control of the overstimulation in his body.
He was doing well to bounce and roll. Good on him. He was coping. Poor guy.
I could feel the rolling. I’m sat here typing, doing it. My shoulders and neck and spine and everything rolling and opening up and ready for a fight. This is a dangerous man.
He’s not any more. But he was. And he has so incredibly disciplined against that internal storm that you never saw it. The bullies at school saw it. The bouncers saw it. I don’t hate those bouncers for turning me away now. I know they saw the violence, where I did not.
So these are all huge realisations for me and I have to share them in real time. It has to happen like this. It has to. Because this is the only way it can happen. There was a mask. There is no mask. There will *never* be another mask. Not a global one. And this website is insurance against it. This website is me protecting myself from myself.
But the beast feels restrained, still. I had to let it out for a bit there. Early 2025 was volatile. Testing on the fight; picking on mercari. How companies lose their way when cash comes into play. But I needed to know if I was totally broken or not.
I was not.
I am still picking up the pieces but - here’s the important bit - I’m choosing which ones to pick up. This is the reason for the structure, the reason for the words of the buddha. I’m not just trying to translate them into modern scientific language for a business plan. I’m trying to use them to guide myself in rebuilding a persona and making sure that it is a *good* and *kind* person.
Because here’s the thing - I was not a dangerous man. I was very restrained. It took half my life energy. Just to restrain that beast.
So the part doing the restraining is like this hypertrophy alopetia chimp motherfucker Jambo bastard but he’s a kind bastard. He’s compassionate but he’s a fucker too - he will tell you to eat a dick if you’re being bad, because he’s spent his entire life telling himself to eat a dick when he was bad.
So you’re asking what this fucking tatara has cooked up?
It’s an ethicist.
Bitch.
202507032333
rōnin
I find myself thinking a lot about being a rōnin. I would have been a good rōnin. A masterless samurai.
Walking through the woods, alone, nothing but the sound of the birds, the rustle of the sasa. A movement. A person. Wait, son. Don’t move. They’re gone. A second longer. Ok, on to town.
I’ll provide for you. I’ll get you a blade. I’ll teach you to sharpen it. There will be a chicken, maybe. Mostly tofu and rice. Irori, calm, smoke, the smell of tatami and wood.
The smell of the fire and the fish salted and steaming and crackling and then you slide open the door and the rain is coming down and out you go and it’s rivulets off your hat and you hold your hand on your pommel just for the security of it like the meteorite a blade made of meteoric steel and it’s yours and your soul and your life.
The blade was made in a tatara that was sung and chanted and prayed to for 3 days before being cracked open and then selected and folded and forged and folded and jacketed and quenched and polished and sharpened and it’s been mine for 23 years and I love this blade it is my life.
In to town we need something.
I can see myself quiet easily functioning in this kind of world, at least externally. There is no need to plan much beyond the day. You deal with the situation in front of you, you look after your small family unit, you live in your place and keep yourself to yourself.
But you’re fully aware that any moment you could be walking through the woods. You could see the dancing man in the woods. You do not want to see the dancing man in the woods. The dancing man in the woods is death.
This is where the hypervigilance is useful and good. We evolved to spot slight differences in the movement of the leaves of a bush so we can protect ourselves from predators. This is the single most fundamental drive we have. And now it’s candy crush and financial crashes.
As a species we did not evolve for this. And asd + adhd are the ‘human’ sides of our humanosity dialled up to 11. One is our logic, one our emotion. A simplification which works for me.
So if normal people are suffering in this modern world, to the point where youtube is ramming junk ‘dopamine detox’ ads down your throat all day (irony yadda yadda)… well anyone with things cranked up to 11 is likely to feel a bit shit and want to kinda duck out.
That used to be an option. And with AI, I was hoping it would become an option again. But the world and their fucking dopamine addiction. Fucking dopamine addiction you idiots… we can’t think or move without dopamine. Is a car addicted to oil?
Anyway gone off topic here but my point is that there’s a reason I have my phone set to black and white. It’s because I could not control the tiger. The tiger is too hungry and powerful. All I can control is my environment.
And modern society takes even that control away from you.
202507040131
shit
I became a right little shit when we moved to Sheffield. This makes sense now. It’s also when I moved from apples and milk to chocolate and hard drugs. Well. The drugs came later. I’m back to craving apples now. And milk.
Meditating on anger these last two days and seeing the dancing man has definitely curated this flow. This is good. The buddha led the way and I am following. There are few more valid pursuits. It’s what I did in shikoku. It’s what I’ve done my whole life.
Hatred is never appeased by hatred in this world. By non-hatred alone is hatred appeased. This is a law eternal.
I have heard this in so many words but the world never evidenced it. I was taught to fight when we moved to Sheffield. It was violent and I was new and my dad was from an even more violent place and helped me to survive.
Unfortunately I got too good. That’s what happened. I got too good at fighting, mentally, and I was never able to stop. I was probably hypervigilant already because of the neurochemistry of audhd but school was 3 fistfights per week for 5 years, often against groups, or unprovoked. I didn’t instigate, but I had rules, and my rules were:
never start a fight but always finish it
never go down
never hit them when they are down
always protect the weak (this trumps 1)
These were non-negotiable to me, as were friendship dynamics, in hindsight. This dance, this water, this fluid flowing movement which is human society; I’m not in it. I don’t flow. That’s ok but I never realised all these years so the waves kept crashing and I had no idea why. That will break anyone’s back.
This kid never stopped though. He left. To Japan. No physical fighting any more, thank god. Now it’s money. Who’s the biggest kid in the playground? Take him down. Make a stand. Loosen your jaw and smile. Go through him.
All of last year I was saying my fight was over but he just wouldn’t die.
Anyway there’s no winning in Tokyo. The big boys aren’t groups of 5 they’re 5,000. So off to cycle the world. And I set up a company; free, on my own terms, Thailand, great for a while. So great. Being able to work from a golf course my wife worked at. Peace and quiet - we were right in the middle of nowhere with nobody else in the unit. We even had a power cut for 2 weeks. Wife found it creepy but nice; I just found it nice. Looking back, it was probably the perfect setup.
But the corruption in the government in Thailand. The lack of social support for their citizens. We couldn’t tolerate it so we left. Italy went badly and England went worse, but I’ll leave that alone for now. Bag of worms.
One breakdown later we’re in Japan and it’s all a blur after that. Drinking, stopping, ironman to the level of placing; all medication for the stresses of life. 2 children premature, second born at the start of covid in NICU while the hospital was locked down. Building a company working with Japan’s top venture and trying to retire in 3 years.
Essentially I optimised ‘make money’ and ‘work hard’ far too much. Because of brain; it’s not my fault. No wonder I burned out.
But I think it’s all this fighter. And this fighter existed because of some rules. And those rules… I don’t know if they’re fully gone because they’re deep. The ironman one isn’t gone for example but it feels weird putting it back on now.
These personas are never going anywhere so what I should do is use them, just like my old professional network. The fighter is the retired champ. The ironman is the coach. The businessman is the mentor.
This.
This is why I need to type and process like this. That realisation right there is gold for me. It might happen naturally for someone else. If you don’t have regular time signalling though, how can you ever grow up? I have to teach myself.
202507040228
So I got a couple extra hours for total 5.5. This might be me - split sleep. But let’s see.
The relief I feel from this med…
it cuts both ways, I guess.
There will be people out there far worse off than I was. Dancing men and women. We can help the dancers find their own time,
How might thought process differ in an adhd brain? If aripiprazole is a one-off, would you still do this? Yes. This is bigger than one drug and would be an entire paradigm shift. Someone will do it.
So.
I think we have two processors; in a way. One is high randomness low speed and the other is high speed low randomness. Your adhd and your autism. Your tiger and your maze. I think your maze is curated while you sleep, and the tiger is released in the morning.
Literally, Because of REM, NREM and synaptic pruning. I think your autism restrains adhd. The brain restrains the hormones.
Each day the tiger roams and the tamer learns. The tamer tailors the maze, and the tiger plays ball, or not, and the tamer learns.
So the tamer is the AI and the tiger is the rng.
We need logic to have near-zero rng because quantum fluctuations are near negligible.
So…
Tiger is waiting. asd has tailored the cage.
The tiger is a program running on a platform? Adhd on top of asd? Or are they equal?
I think asd has a deeper place than adhd in adults. It is inherently less volatile because it is hardware. So the autoencoder loop could be something like:
Asd output -> adhd input
rng = asd input
rules = adhd input
rng = asd input
rules = adhd input
It seems like human learning and adaptation could almost be summarised this way.
So the neurones are mush at the start and the emotions are king. Give me mother. This would mean that the adhd is in charge at the outset. So there is usually a tipping point in most people where the asd becomes more powerful and the emotions calm down, but I think this oes not occur in the adhd brain. I think people just learn coping strategies and how to hide things, instead of actually ‘growing up’.
So do we have 2 stages in the processing: one where asd is soft and the other where it’s hard. So we need malleability as a data point and this needs to change as age progresses.
At the outset 1 processor: emotion.
This shapes the process of asd.
Which then takes control of the emotion and gets the PFC to dampen things pre-cognition.
Maybe.
202507040550
So the person who I’m talking to about the meds side said this:
[Something interesting that occurs both in schizophrenics and people taking psychedelic drugs is - if you conceptualize brain networks as a topography with peaks and troughs, neuronal activity will tend to stabilize within local minima - in psychosis the activation energy to transition between minima seems to decrease - which explains the flight of ideas, loose associations (also known as apophenia), etc.]
This immediately sucked my attention in but I had no idea this image of multiple sand clocks just kept playing through my head until I woke up at 1 to write it down.
This is how it feels when I am in flow.
And maybe when I’m on my way to the bottom of a looped thought too.
It feels like sand, almost, like gravity just funnelling the data together. In the weaver analogy this would be like warping the threads and then the weave can only ever happen within that warp.
So it’s almost like spacetime; a wormhole. The way it loops in and twists on itself like a ribbon, with the thoughts from one sand funnel somehow blending into another, and another, swirling around and being shaved off like pencil shavins until they’re all in the same place falling down together and then there you are, at the solution.
This is how I view my channelling and my weaving. This is how it feels when I am in flow and my hyperconnected brain is working optimally. It’s a lot easier to achieve now.
There must be something here. And ChatGPT says it’s not stolen so… have at it.
202507040604
The reason for the empathy misunderstanding is fear. I think all humans are programmed to prioritise logic when things get really bad. So that’s the distinction:
We were deployed into different environments.
My environment was more threatening because of brain chemistry.
ASD is like an AI learning from the data that senses (external world) and adhd (internal world) provide it. This is where the AI is trained.
Because of wild dopamine fluctuation our world feels less stable, tangible. MRI suggests enlarged amygdalae in a lot of autistic folks; physical differences, likely as a result of the planet forming with bad weather,
So for my presentation (remember it’s a catch-all):
Fear leads to data which results in a logical ‘solve the problem first’ response.
This is probably a case of the AI functioning properly but the data being bad.
We are running the same programs in different environments. Or we were; my world is less scary now. I’m still trained in a scary world.
So I see a situation and think ‘fear; solve’ and you see it and think ‘time will solve; wait’.
And this is where empathy issues come from.
202507040846
acceptance
The level of self-acceptance now is hard to fathom, after a lifetime of self denial. Sexual attraction to men? And not bothered in the slightest; in fact a strange situation where I’m definitely not interested despite being just a little curious.
Anyway this definitely it’s a site for sexual musings.
It’s hard to explain. This is not only a lifetime of self-denial but also a lifetime of denial of selfldenial. I am normal! This is how everyone else is functioning. They just aren’t working as hard. Why aren’t they working so hard? Ah.
I mean… I built Japan’s first AI recruitment company and made a very respectable name for myself. The best. I was willing to burn it all for the chance of getting these meds to the world. I contacted people who have built multiple successful AI firms and showed them my unformed ides. That is a crazy level of self-acceptance.
I’d rather be laughed at than not move. And no matter what you say, most people would dance to a song to avoid being laughed at. But I just don’t care any more, because I am me and if you don’t like me then you are not me and that is ok. Go do you.
And there’s no venom in that any more where previously thee would have been. Thee’s no part of me trying to compete with you and beat you and win. I can accept you, too, thought I can never accept that Blond:ish dares call a song ‘self love’ and then just scream ‘self love’ over it for 5 minutes. Thanks.
Must. Love. Self. Harder.
Not. Loving. Self. Enough.
Has the ‘self love’ thing gone full circle into the self-hate of self-improvement? Are people now angry at themselves for now being able to love themselves enough? Or was that just me.
Oh god the internal reprogramming. The buddha with his pairs; this was me on the micro every second of every day. CBT only half worked because I was already doing CBT internally. Not just conscious CBT but the unconscious trimming of the hedge mazes ‘CBT’ that happens when we cajole ourselves into doing something. I got very good at that.
I’m surprised I’m not in jail.
Have been. Got locked up for a fortnight once. All these small things. Jail with the med would have been preferable to freedom without. No external jail can compete with the internal one.
I love the Japanese word 自閉症 - autism - ‘locked in syndrome’ if literally translated, because this is how I always felt. I was locked inside, like in the Selfie picture. The autistic guy does not and will never accept the adhd guy. Same dynamic as a parental relationship. Autism just cannot accept the volatility of adhd, and adhd just cannot accept the overbearing order of autism. So I flip hard from one to the other, but meds have pushed me into happy autism as a baseline.
Gettung up at 11:309 to write? I went to bed at 8. And I will go to bed again, probably after sunrise. This is fine. I remember watching TV til 4am on school nights when I was young. Anything to avoid brain.
202507050011
Maybe one of the reasons I’m getting up so early is the peace and quiet. I have so much processing to do and I have so little control over it, that maybe brain is just like ‘no kids for this mate’.
So anyway. inappropriate emotions. Not nice as someone with a very strong moral compass. It can really make you question yourself when you don’t grieve loss or experience joy in the same way as the people around you.
I think there are two factors at play in me: adhd and asd. Surprise! And one caused the other.
So adhd is randomosity and drive. It pushes you to do shit without thinking, Darwin yourself or set up a company to change the world. This is evolution and it’s good up to a point but then it becomes very unpleasant for the user if it goes too far.
So this data shapes the asd wires and they mostly stay that way forever. This means that now I am medicated, I do not have rsd but I do have rsd.
So I have all the learned anticipatory behaviours of wondering if I’m pissing someone off, etc. But then I just don’t care.
I get huge spikes in adrenaline sometimes when dealing with people; especially confrontationally. Because I am autistic and learned to fistfight. My body knows the score. Don’t worry I’ve never struck first.
So these factors can make human relationships very challenging.
rules
Maybe I’m writing down all these rules as a way to reprogram myself. Like I have all my life, just on a much larger scale. I think when we got kicked out of the UK it took a month or so to change the narrative into it being our decision (it was) so I guess that changing the narrative on 42 years of life will take a while.
It’s happening though. So attraction. Attraction doesn’t mean someone’s nice to look at. There are plenty of beautiful people who are repulsive enough to turn my stomach.
Attraction is a kind of magnetism. You’re drawn to someone but you don’t know why. Pheromones is what they’d have screamed in my childhood but it’s a more nuanced than that.
I wonder why ND folks pick up on each other. J1 saying that only 1% of people are worth the effort. In terms of becoming real friends who can have real conversations, a small amount, and that is likely due to neurodivergence.
I guess I need people who live in a scary world?
Maybe that’s what we pick up on? Maybe it’s something else? But I’ve literally been stopped in the street by someone who was like ‘you, friend’ and now we’re good mates. There’s something there, and it must be in the microexpressions or motion or something.
That said, most ND folks annoy me too. Most people, actually. Not as much any more, but there’s just too many of them. Didn’t our brain evolve to handle a max of like 100 relationships? Even 10 sounds too much for me and I’m gonna crack out the meteor because I can feel the steel wool.
And gone within a minute. Slack jaw, meteor rubbing, eyes out of focus, but it releases whatever was trapped in my brain and allows things to flow. I think it’s because your reward centre goes onto the task but the task is easy so you can still process elsewhere.
Anyway attraction and repulsion are both handled by dopamine and I have irregular dopamine signalling. So my attraction to some people has been too intense, as has my repulsion. Although how intense is ‘too intense’ is debatable. I was bad at dating and text messaging; I was not a stalker. But maybe stalkers are suffering from monotropic thinking eh. Maybe a med could cure stalking?
Are we getting into really murky ethics yet? Do we have free will or are we just curating the maze? Should we create an AI that can curate our maze better, so our tiger is happy and doesn’t eat us? Or is the ethical thing to suffer? Where’s the cutoff point? Do you choose to suffer more so you can make art and then just ‘dial it down’ afterward? This will be some really fun stuff to wrestle with.
This is why I wrote down the moral code; it’s maximising brain chemistry for the maximum number. It allows me to marry my conscience with my logic, where previously they sometimes clashed.
Anyway I’ve been increasing my dose of aripiprazole this last week and have been extra motivated. I got the business thread started and I’ve got loads of work to do on the personal front. Meds are being titatred and I’m increasing abilify. I’m getting used to the new baseline; this is why nobody bothered shouting about it before. It induces complacency because your world isn’t as scary. But I’m also a bit tired so just following the winds.
202507050405
Adhd births autism
So I’m pretty confident my autism was caused by my adhd. Everything that is ‘different’ about me can be trasked back to dopamine dysregulation.
So initially we have the time cells which are not getting proper data, so the events of life cannot be sequenced and encoded correctly, which causes identity issues.
The time cells also mean that our body-emotions are out of sync with our mind-emotion. It can mean we feel two things at once: compassion and rage, happiness and fear.
Time cells then mean that the data that’s coming through is in smaller chunks than most brains, so the brain doesn’t need to developer physical memory for more than 8mb or whatever.
What this then means is that in order to function in society you need to optimise your rules as much as possible. You have 8mb of ram so cant be taking the long way round.
This results in the overconnectedness in my brain, the skip thought, the freeszing, the mental noise. It’s also where any genius or insanity I have may lie.
So adhd means that my circuitry optimised for speed. And adhd also means that I seek extremes.
I had to work so hard over the years to not just do the craziest stuff. It’s good energy, to a point. I needed 20 tall cans or ironman world championship level training just to tone it down enough to not Darwin myself.
It’s all dopamine. But it’s not the current narrative. The current narrative about dopamine is broken. More is not better or worse. We all have our homeostasis.
The thing with dopamine is the fluctuations, up or down, make you feel motivated and antsy. This happiness or peace that all the scriptures speak of? This is dopamine regulation and dopamine stability, not ‘more’.
202507050639
pegboard
I guess because I’m autistic i need definitions and goals. Probably to do with identity issues and memory issues - one definition is easier to hold in mind.
I wonder how much of my life to date has just been going through the motions. My poem. The only poemm I’ve ever written, outside of school, just fell out. I wonder if each of those verses was trying a modality of living to see if it worked.
But if my brain was a pinboard with all the pegs occupied and yours has a nice smooth line from one edge to the other, no box is going to fit. None. They’re all going to vibrate apart. So I optimised them and then smashed through the programming because I’m just incompatible,
I’m asking my family how much of this website resonates. I have gone into detail here and lot of the explanation is 80% accurate 20% extrapolation… but the point is I want to know whether this is just an extreme version of normal thought or if it’s flipped over into something new.
If it’s something new that doesn’t matter. Evolution is still happening and hypotheses are still being tested. But I need to know. Have 0% relatability would be disappointing but also validating. 100% compatibility in’t gonna happen.
It’s crazy really.
And then empathy. I’ve been alone.
Always.
My dad. And my son, but he’s 7. And I hope he never will, because early medical intervention will change his brain into a nicer place.
But me and my dad I think. The only person who gets me. But the clashes. The clashes and the pain. The only person who understands your brain and the only person who can say the right thing and it’s just impossible.
Because their ASD and you’re fucking adhd unable to control himself despite being asd inside. And then their overwhelmed by senses and snappy and rsd and fucking hell man. The only person.
There are those who do not realize that one day we all must die. But those who do realise settle their quarrels.
We realise. It’s time we settled. Enough. I know me now. I can handle me. I want to meet you properly. I’ve been trapped inside this madman my whole life and I am really struggling to get this out. but it needs releasing we need to move forward this shit has to end.
Fucking pegboard.
202507050749compiling
So what I have been doing is using this website as an anchor while I compile a new personality after a dosing issue of aripiprazole essentially smashed my 42 years of adhd, asd and meditation processing out of the ballpark. I was high and I needed something to cling to.
Thank god I have done so many drugs over the years.
Anyway I went into compile mode. I know what happened now; I used the language familiar to me to reconstruct a person. I know technology, buddhism and neuroscience, a bit.
I took near-manic texts sent to myself about my autistic traits as the raw data and extrapolated back from that to try to gather the system limitations as the first step.
Once they were established I needed to build a personality but I needed to base it on values instead of people-relationship so I knocked together a few 1-rule morality, agency and other core philosophical concepts as the rock for my next phase.
After that I needed to figure out what kind of person I wanted to be. I chose the buddha to follow. I have always followed the buddha; he was a ballsy guy. Only his words; no dogma.
I take one verse of the dhammapada as my meditation for the day, and choose a knife.
The process for the next year-and-a-bit will be to meditate on the teachings in terms of modern brain chemistry and morality, and to translate them into a workable technical frameowrk for improving the mental state of as many people as possible.
This sounds crazy. Everybody said the same when I chose to focus on AI. This will work. Or it will miss, but inspire someone else, and that is good enough.
I am James.
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