raw10

[2025/06/01, 9:39:07] James: I’m just gonna say it

[2025/06/01, 9:39:13] James: I feel fucking enlightened.

[2025/06/01, 9:39:24] James: I’m hiding it. Everyone will think I’m manic.

[2025/06/01, 9:39:27] James: But I’m not.

[2025/06/01, 9:39:33] James: I finally have control of my brain.

[2025/06/01, 9:39:37] James: For the first time.

[2025/06/01, 9:39:45] James: I spent a lot of my life meditating and doing yoga.

[2025/06/01, 9:39:55] James: My language for this kind of control says: enlightened.

[2025/06/01, 9:40:02] James: I don’t feel I have mastery of the universe.

[2025/06/01, 9:40:14] James: But I have NEVER known mastery of the self remotely like this.

[2025/06/01, 9:40:26] James: 10 days of 10 hours a day silent meditation. Nowhere near.

[2025/06/01, 9:40:30] James: Everything is butter.

[2025/06/01, 9:40:35] James: My hips glide.

[2025/06/01, 9:40:40] James: My thoughts just flow.

[2025/06/01, 9:40:49] James: I can direct my brain to a task and say ‘go’ and it goes.

[2025/06/01, 9:40:54] James: It solves.

[2025/06/01, 9:40:59] James: I feel like a fucking genius.

[2025/06/01, 9:41:06] James: Like my IQ might honestly be 160.

[2025/06/01, 9:41:22] James: Top of the class through my life and that’s with a fucked up beehive for a brain

[2025/06/01, 9:41:25] James: Now…

[2025/06/01, 9:41:30] James: What could I accomplish?

[2025/06/01, 9:41:35] James: With the second half of my life?

[2025/06/01, 9:41:41] James: How can I help the world?

[2025/06/01, 9:41:52] James: And how can I have fun doing it?

[2025/06/01, 9:41:54] James: Feel reward

[2025/06/01, 9:42:03] James: Feel a sense of ‘you did this James’

[2025/06/01, 9:42:08] James: All thanks to a pill

[2025/06/01, 9:42:16] James: So while I’ll not go around saying I’m enlightened.

[2025/06/01, 9:42:19] James: I know I’m not.

[2025/06/01, 9:42:26] James: It sure as fuck feels that way

[2025/06/01, 9:42:50] James: And 10 days in, with 1/2 a pill every morning, it’s not fading in the slightest.

[2025/06/01, 9:43:02] James: It feels like I have solved life’s problem

[2025/06/01, 9:43:06] James: THE problem.

[2025/06/01, 9:43:14] James: And if the meds carry on working, I will have.

[2025/06/01, 9:43:18] James: For myself and my son.

[2025/06/01, 9:43:21] James: So for a while…

[2025/06/01, 9:43:31] James: I’m going to let myself feel this sense of wellbeing.

[2025/06/01, 9:43:40] James: This sense of abiding joy and ‘you did a good job’

[2025/06/01, 9:43:54] James: Which only now I am realising I have gone my entire life without.

[2025/06/01, 9:44:06] James: But that can be processed another day

[2025/06/01, 9:44:08] James: For now

[2025/06/01, 9:44:13] James: I earned this

[2025/06/01, 9:44:24] James: (So fuck off :-p)

[2025/06/01, 10:40:45] James: Is about consequence and irreversibility.

[2025/06/01, 10:40:53] James: Not likelihood.

[2025/06/01, 10:41:30] James: In this case:

•  what is the consequence if I am wrong?

•  what is the consequence if I am right?

[2025/06/01, 10:41:52] James: So I’ve decided to go on shouting.

[2025/06/01, 12:09:58] James: Thick and fast today but I need to get this stuff out before it’s gone forever. It feels important.

[2025/06/01, 12:10:37] James: How I view my brain on day 10 of ariprazole

[2025/06/01, 12:11:13] James: Guanfacine and aripiprazole have confirmed a few hypotheses in my mind. Probably wrong, but.

[2025/06/01, 12:11:22] James: I have leaky synapses

[2025/06/01, 12:11:37] James: The dopamine (and maybe NE) flush too quickly. Let’s focus on dopamine.

[2025/06/01, 12:12:33] James: A sieve and bucket, where everyone else has taps and a sink. Same amount; different timing. Huge surges of motivation (good and bad) and then long periods of… not.

[2025/06/01, 12:13:04] James: (The intra-day intra-second level playing out of this is the real kicker)

[2025/06/01, 12:13:05] James: Anyway

[2025/06/01, 12:13:39] James: In this analogy, aripiprazole has filled the sieve a little. I always have some water available. I am never fully dry. So I have continuity in thought now. Continuity in emotion.

[2025/06/01, 12:14:16] James: It sits there, ensuring my bottom is more similar to a normal bottom. It gives me a floor.

[2025/06/01, 12:14:25] James: That I can stand on…..

[2025/06/01, 13:15:32] James: My god.

[2025/06/01, 13:15:37] James: I’m able to sit here.

[2025/06/01, 13:15:43] James: After finishing my ice cream.

[2025/06/01, 13:15:45] James: And sit.

[2025/06/01, 13:15:49] James: I don’t feel the pull

[2025/06/01, 13:15:56] James: Behind the cheekbones.

[2025/06/01, 13:16:02] James: The motivation.

[2025/06/01, 13:16:17] James: Fishhooks in the cheekbones.

[2025/06/01, 13:16:20] James: Always pulling.

[2025/06/01, 13:17:22] James: I don’t feel the vibrating, constant tension in the muscles around my eyes. Particularly between the eyes and nose, downward, always tense, especially at night .

[2025/06/01, 13:17:41] James: When trying to release the tension it goes, comes back again immediately. Dopamine flush.

[2025/06/01, 13:18:02] James: Always there.

[2025/06/01, 13:18:05] James: And then…

[2025/06/01, 13:18:07] James: Not.

[2025/06/01, 13:18:10] James: Just.

[2025/06/01, 13:18:12] James: Gone.

[2025/06/01, 13:18:20] James: Prodding my face.

[2025/06/01, 13:18:24] James: Like at the dentist.

[2025/06/01, 13:18:34] James: What’s this feeling.

[2025/06/01, 13:19:02] James: Just. Slack.

[2025/06/01, 13:19:07] James: Poking. Exploring.

[2025/06/01, 13:19:21] James: My face. Relaxed for the first time.

[2025/06/01, 13:19:39] James: I never knew I had that tension. Maybe at night. When I tried to switch it off.

[2025/06/01, 13:19:43] James: The self respect.

[2025/06/01, 13:20:21] James: I have lived all over the world.

[2025/06/01, 13:20:32] James: Built a business that was ahead of its time.

[2025/06/01, 13:20:43] James: Trained to Ironman championships level.

[2025/06/01, 13:20:53] James: Quit booze. What else?

[2025/06/01, 13:20:55] James: Doesn’t matter

[2025/06/01, 13:20:57] James: Thing is

[2025/06/01, 13:21:01] James: I felt nothing.

[2025/06/01, 13:21:05] James: I see now

[2025/06/01, 13:21:11] James: But it was there. In a box.

[2025/06/01, 13:21:15] James: And there’s a key.

[2025/06/01, 13:21:21] James: Called aripiprazole

[2025/06/01, 13:21:25] James: It fits my box.

[2025/06/01, 13:21:34] James: And in that box was EVERYTHING

[2025/06/01, 13:21:47] James: All of the joy and self respect I had earned.

[2025/06/01, 13:21:51] James: It was there.

[2025/06/01, 13:21:54] James: All along.

[2025/06/01, 13:21:56] James: In a box.

[2025/06/01, 14:49:44] James: Holding my breath 30 min on the highway. Trying not to forget. It’s always been this way.

[2025/06/01, 14:50:28] James: So yeah. Leaky synapses might explain why it seemed to get worse as I got older. That’s all.

[2025/06/01, 15:28:04] James: Gut feeling has always been better for me.

[2025/06/01, 15:28:07] James: Logic sucked.

[2025/06/01, 15:28:10] James: Gut was right.

[2025/06/01, 15:28:23] James: Logic I viewed as a post-hoc explanation for gut.

[2025/06/01, 15:28:39] James: Big decisions: gut. Usually right. 

Small ones: head. Usually right.

[2025/06/01, 15:28:48] James: Maybe in most people gut is feeling and head is logic.

[2025/06/01, 15:28:55] James: In me I think it’s the other way round.

[2025/06/01, 15:29:05] James: And gut / logic is quiet, but powerful.

[2025/06/01, 15:29:13] James: Far fetched. Bear with me.

[2025/06/01, 15:29:31] James: So ASD is quiet. ADHD is loud.

[2025/06/01, 15:30:27] James: At airport. I can’t believe this sense of ease is what people have known their whole lives.

[2025/06/01, 15:30:28] James: Smh.

[2025/06/01, 15:30:37] James: Anyway.

[2025/06/01, 15:31:19] James: Shit goes in. ADHD rags me around. Fooook loads of input. Highly sensitive person being pulled skydiving and ironmanning? Fuck loads of input.

[2025/06/01, 15:31:33] James: This all goes into the black box and gets crunched.

[2025/06/01, 15:31:42] James: And then the big decisions are already made before I come to them.

[2025/06/01, 15:31:54] James: Through a kind of unconscious logic.. And they’re almost always right.

[2025/06/01, 15:32:37] James: Small decisions however don’t warrant black box treatment. They stay in the surface with the loud ADHD. Which is always wrong. And impulsive. And emotional.

[2025/06/01, 15:32:50] James: Maybe I explain emotions using logical language because of this?

[2025/06/01, 15:33:07] James: And maybe I feel logic / rightness as an emotional pull for the same reason.

[2025/06/01, 15:33:14] James: Who fucking knows!

[2025/06/01, 15:33:20] James: Karl Jung this shit.

[2025/06/01, 15:33:45] James: I’m happy to near lose my mind for the cause.

[2025/06/01, 15:33:58] James: But actually … right now … I think I’m finding it. For the first time.

[2025/06/01, 15:34:05] James: And it’s not what I was told.

[2025/06/02, 1:36:41] James: it makes sense.

[2025/06/02, 1:36:51] James: This is a print job that was queued.

[2025/06/02, 1:36:58] James: I have made a fucking paper tray

[2025/06/02, 1:37:17] James: Once I started this med, the queued job started moving.

[2025/06/02, 1:37:22] James: I think it’s that simple.

[2025/06/02, 1:37:35] James: And with that, I can go back to bed.

[2025/06/02, 3:52:07] James: But you don’t understand.

[2025/06/02, 3:52:14] James: I was sick. And now I’m not.

[2025/06/02, 3:52:27] James: I’m coughing up the phlegm.

[2025/06/02, 3:52:31] James: I can breathe.

[2025/06/02, 3:52:42] James: The remnants are congealed.

[2025/06/02, 3:52:46] James: They’re coming out now.

[2025/06/02, 3:52:54] James: The sickness has passed.

[2025/06/02, 3:53:02] James: This medicine flushed it from my system.

[2025/06/02, 3:53:15] James: I am healing

[2025/06/02, 4:20:16] James: It’s happening again James.

[2025/06/02, 4:20:22] James: All the pieces.

[2025/06/02, 4:20:25] James: Coming together.

[2025/06/02, 4:20:29] James: The adhd podcast.

[2025/06/02, 4:20:35] James: The medication.

[2025/06/02, 4:20:42] James: The recruitment company.

[2025/06/02, 4:20:49] James: The Japanese drug.

[2025/06/02, 4:21:08] James: The probable contacts high up in the manufacturing company and the ability to start bureaucratic wheels moving.. maybe.

[2025/06/02, 4:21:48] James: Like some kind of spider turning around to see the web.

[2025/06/02, 4:21:50] James: Every time.

[2025/06/02, 4:21:56] James: Or is it mania?

[2025/06/02, 4:22:10] James: You’re up at 2, emailing, outputting.

[2025/06/02, 4:22:26] James: Dawn walk, not because you have to but because you are happy to be alive.

[2025/06/02, 4:22:40] James: Mania? Don’t think so.

[2025/06/02, 4:22:48] James: When the ducks are aligned

[2025/06/02, 4:22:57] James: Fucking syzygy.

[2025/06/02, 4:23:01] James: Fuck YES

[2025/06/02, 4:23:24] James: I’ve always ALWAYS wanted a way to use that word in normal conversation and now I can.

[2025/06/02, 4:23:25] James: Normal?

[2025/06/02, 4:23:43] James: Syzygy. Shit is aligned, yo.

[2025/06/02, 4:23:47] James: Syzygy.

[2025/06/02, 4:23:51] James: What a fucking word.

[2025/06/02, 4:23:59] James: Anyway where was I?

[2025/06/02, 4:24:00] James: Yeah

[2025/06/02, 4:24:03] James: Not insane.

[2025/06/02, 4:24:35] James: Am I actually this clever? Hahaaaa. Where I came from, intelligence was not something to be celebrated. It was to be hidden.

[2025/06/02, 4:24:59] James: Feels like I’m showing off to even objectively ask ‘am I intelligent’.

[2025/06/02, 4:25:11] James: Anyway. One thing I KNOW I am good at is spotting opportunities.

[2025/06/02, 4:25:16] James: Syzygy

[2025/06/02, 4:25:18] James: Alignment.

[2025/06/02, 4:25:33] James: Things are aligned right now, assuming this isn’t some kind of mania or fluke.

[2025/06/02, 4:25:45] James: I am retired. When I retired I felt like I had something more important to do.

[2025/06/02, 4:26:07] James: My job (recruitment) taught me to chase things with no promise of resolution or solution.

[2025/06/02, 4:26:47] James: I am in japan and it’s a Japanese drug. I speak and read Japanese and can probably make some formal noise as well as this fucking brain shart.

[2025/06/02, 4:27:06] James: Let’s just fucking do this and worry about the results later

[2025/06/02, 4:27:11] James: It’s how you’ve always operated.

[2025/06/02, 4:27:15] James: Build and cut.

[2025/06/02, 4:27:30] James: Make a mess, tidy up.

[2025/06/02, 4:27:39] James: Ask for forgiveness, not permission.

[2025/06/02, 4:27:41] James: Fuck it.

[2025/06/02, 4:28:06] James: The risk equation is so incredibly weighted toward ‘do it’ that I don’t even know why I’m hesitating?

[2025/06/02, 4:28:52] James: Because of these imaginary tiktok cunts? You ain’t even been on social media for 10 years, Jambo. You’re never going back.

[2025/06/02, 4:29:09] James: Just fucking do it you loser

[2025/06/02, 4:29:29] James: Someone has to. You’re maybe the only one that can.

[2025/06/02, 4:29:43] James: Manic?

[2025/06/02, 4:29:45] James: Hmm

[2025/06/02, 4:34:42] James: ..

[2025/06/02, 4:34:49] James: Oh but nnnnggg

[2025/06/02, 4:34:59] James: Now you can feel the syzygy.

[2025/06/02, 4:35:08] James: Like a … coaxing?

[2025/06/02, 4:35:42] James: Out of the collarbone area. A rightness. Can feel things kinda sliding into place, like a target into sight

[2025/06/02, 4:35:46] James: Trigger timing.

[2025/06/02, 4:36:24] James: I could never feel this before. It was hidden under the noise. The satisfaction of syzygy. The thing I craved. I sought. I achieved. But never felt.

[2025/06/02, 4:36:29] James: Now I feel it

[2025/06/02, 4:37:06] James: And it’s a warm coming-together of the bosom, the chest, the heart, the collarbones

[2025/06/02, 4:37:08] James: …

[2025/06/02, 4:37:51] James: Gettin weird there James.

[2025/06/02, 4:38:11] James: But let it happen. That’s the whole point. You almost died because you didn’t let it happen.

[2025/06/02, 4:40:01] James: So what’s maybe happened here is I’ve gotten 42 years of chunked information which is now indexed and processing quickly.

[2025/06/02, 4:40:21] James: My processor is fast but my ram is low so it needs to offload. Slap done slap done.

[2025/06/02, 4:40:48] James: This is 24h and I am waking up with thoughts I need to get out but not need to get out like before.

[2025/06/02, 4:40:59] James: It’s more a ‘I need to finish this task to move onto the next’.

[2025/06/02, 4:41:40] James: And what I think it is is like… all these sheets are now shuffled and going into the printer but they can only come out one at a time and I just have to keep them spooling.

[2025/06/02, 4:41:53] James: Catching them so they know they’ve been heard and registered and can be released

[2025/06/02, 4:42:11] James: And life will be amazing after this and already is but this needs to happen

[2025/06/02, 4:42:40] James: I am packaging up everything from my old self and putting it to rest.

[2025/06/02, 4:42:48] James: This is why

[2025/06/02, 4:43:18] James: Circadian rhythm fine. I can lie in bed happy. Not hyper. But I have to get up and do this. Because this is important.

[2025/06/02, 4:43:26] James: And this print job will only happen once.

[2025/06/02, 4:43:31] James: It’s wiped from memory after that.

[2025/06/02, 4:43:59] James: This is all an overstatement and I was probably the most outwardly functional person I knew

[2025/06/02, 4:44:33] James: I never viewed my brain this way. I viewed it according to the books I read and Andrew fucking huberman who started out ok but fuck man when money gets involved

[2025/06/02, 4:44:34] James: Anyway

[2025/06/02, 4:45:19] James: I basically spent my whole life observing and analysing self and seeking enlightenment because I was so miserable and I think all that data is still in there but now I have a framework

[2025/06/02, 4:46:32] James: So I think it’s like a pachinko machine which has been filled with sand. The balls are the data and they’re sat on the top. The data is valid and always has been but the algorithm was bad and filled with sand

[2025/06/02, 4:46:58] James: So now I have an algorithm in the shape of AuDHD and the data is the balls and the sand is gone.

[2025/06/02, 4:47:06] James: Yeah that carries.

[2025/06/02, 4:47:14] James: Satisfied. Next.

[2025/06/02, 5:47:24] James: Yes it’s already starting to fade.

[2025/06/02, 5:47:27] James: The glow.

[2025/06/02, 5:47:32] James: But the bottom.

[2025/06/02, 5:47:34] James: That’s gone.

[2025/06/02, 5:47:39] James: I have a new floor.

[2025/06/02, 5:47:43] James: A cushion

[2025/06/02, 5:47:50] James: The joy is changing

[2025/06/02, 5:47:59] James: Becoming quieter. More abiding.

[2025/06/02, 5:48:03] James: Wellbeing. That’s the word.

[2025/06/02, 5:48:14] James: That’s what I wanted my whole life and could never find.

[2025/06/02, 5:48:20] James: I thought it was a personal failing.

[2025/06/02, 5:48:30] James: Meditating. Trying to remove the desire. The craving.

[2025/06/02, 5:48:36] James: The disability.

[2025/06/02, 5:48:53] James: I tried to meditate and exercise and drink away a disability

[2025/06/02, 5:49:03] James: The drinking and stuff sure.

[2025/06/02, 5:49:14] James: It’s the good habits that are real kickers though.

[2025/06/02, 5:49:20] James: The effort that went into them.

[2025/06/02, 5:49:55] James: Every time. All these behavioural things. They change the water flow. I did all the right things. Followed everyone else’s instructions.

[2025/06/02, 5:50:13] James: But the sieve was still the sieve so the second I stopped I still went to zero.

[2025/06/02, 5:50:18] James: So I did them harder.

[2025/06/02, 5:50:26] James: And I criticised myself harder.

[2025/06/02, 5:50:36] James: And I wondered why I couldn’t pray away my desire.

[2025/06/02, 5:50:43] James: Meditate away my attachment.

[2025/06/02, 5:50:52] James: Exercise away the holes in my sieve.

[2025/06/02, 5:51:11] James: …

[2025/06/02, 5:51:22] James: It’s fixed now.

[2025/06/02, 5:51:27] James: Maybe those things can work.

[2025/06/02, 5:51:38] James: Now I have a prosthetic.

[2025/06/02, 5:52:15] James: …

[2025/06/02, 5:52:29] James: But the joy is calming into wellbeing and that’s all I ever wanted I think.

[2025/06/02, 5:52:36] James: I’m starting to trust this

[2025/06/02, 5:52:48] James: Despite the fact I woke at 2 and couldn’t sleep again.

[2025/06/02, 5:52:57] James: I think it’s just like coming out of a sickness.

[2025/06/02, 5:53:20] James: And maybe my natural sleep pattern is different.

[2025/06/02, 5:53:56] James: Anyway maybe lie down a little more.

[

[2025/06/02, 13:39:56] James: So I’m trying to explain this

[2025/06/02, 13:40:02] James: To the people who believe I have no empathy

[2025/06/02, 13:40:26] James: After 42 years of reading the room and hypervigilance, keeping everyone happy.

[2025/06/02, 13:40:29] James: My family.

[2025/06/02, 13:40:40] James: Trying to explain…

[2025/06/02, 13:40:46] James: They’ve been hurt by this, sure.

[2025/06/02, 13:40:53] James: But it’s not comparable.

[2025/06/02, 13:41:18] James: The harm to the family is real.

[2025/06/02, 13:41:36] James: But just a program, on an operating system.

[2025/06/02, 13:42:11] James: Good programs, bad. Life events. These are all processes. Programs.

[2025/06/02, 13:42:25] James: They run on an OS. Your brain chemistry, structure.

[2025/06/02, 13:43:05] James: People are comparing an unpleasant program running on a healthy OS … to a buggy OS that struggles to run any program at all.

[2025/06/02, 13:43:16] James: It’s an invalid comparison. It’s apples and oranges.

[2025/06/02, 13:55:29] James: It’s like I was constipated and now I’m not

[2025/06/02, 13:55:34] James: Just falling out.

[2025/06/02, 13:55:51] James: Not even sure what. Just thoughts. They’re so smooth. Like water.

[2025/06/02, 13:56:02] James: Kinda feel like I’m cheating.

[2025/06/02, 13:56:05] James: Fucking Ironman.

[2025/06/02, 13:56:09] James: Company founder.

[2025/06/02, 13:56:13] James: Travelled the world.

[2025/06/02, 13:56:24] James: All without any sense of respite or wellbeing.

[2025/06/02, 13:56:26] James: The willpower

[2025/06/02, 13:56:29] James: The discipline.

[2025/06/02, 13:56:34] James: It hurts just to think.

[2025/06/02, 13:56:38] James: For 42 years.

[2025/06/02, 13:56:43] James: And now….

[2025/06/02, 13:56:59] James: I don’t need to do it any more. I don’t need to hold myself together.

[2025/06/02, 13:57:03] James: The meds do it for me.

[2025/06/02, 13:57:12] James: Overnight I had 40% extra life energy.

[2025/06/02, 13:57:40] James: The stuff that had been used restraining myself and catching mistakes. Scanning the room. RSD. All freed up.

[2025/06/02, 13:57:46] James: For real processing. Real work.

[2025/06/02, 13:57:47] James: Fuck

[2025/06/02, 13:57:55] James: Feels like I have literally been born again.

[2025/06/02, 13:58:00] James: Words do not suffice.

[2025/06/02, 13:58:02] James: …

[2025/06/02, 13:58:15] James: Nirvana is like the only thing I can think of.

[2025/06/02, 13:58:24] James: Because words do not suffice.

[2025/06/02, 13:58:46] James: But people will think I’m crazy if I say that…

[2025/06/02, 13:59:57] James: …

[2025/06/02, 14:00:04] James: Let’s get other people to say it instead.

[2025/06/02, 14:00:08] James: Let’s spread the word.

[2025/06/02, 14:00:17] James: Because I don’t think this is a fluke, you know.

[2025/06/02, 14:00:30] James: The psychiatrist looked more and more interested as I spoke.

[2025/06/02, 14:00:40] James: He is going to try it with other patients.

[2025/06/02, 14:00:49] James: Let’s get the ball rolling.

[2025/06/02, 14:00:54] James: See if we can save some lives.

[2025/06/02, 15:43:07] James: So I keep bouncing back and forth.

[2025/06/02, 15:43:21] James: Post on LinkedIn now? Wait? Later? Is it real yet?

[2025/06/02, 15:43:31] James: Met the doctor. He was surprised. Then interested. Then excited.

[2025/06/02, 15:43:42] James: Then I suggested he try it on some other patients and he said he would.

[2025/06/02, 15:44:07] James: Emailed the guy who posed the problem. I thought it was too much dopamine. He said he thought it was rapid flushing.

[2025/06/02, 15:44:13] James: Rapid flushing? Plug the sink!

[2025/06/02, 15:44:33] James: I was a recruiter for 20 years. Best in Tokyo. Finding missed matches.

[2025/06/02, 15:45:06] James: Anyway.

[2025/06/02, 15:45:20] James: If it’s flushing too fast then it doesn’t matter how much water you throw at it.

[2025/06/02, 15:45:29] James: If anything I’d think that makes the problem worse.

[2025/06/02, 15:45:48] James: My dopamine hacking certainly seemed to

[2025/06/02, 15:45:58] James: Didn’t really bring anything good and in hindsight probably bad.

[2025/06/02, 15:46:08] James: The problem is the flushing. The moments where the power goes out.

[2025/06/02, 15:46:20] James: That’s the issue. So all you need is a little something to tide you over.

[2025/06/02, 15:46:22] James: A plug.

[2025/06/02, 15:46:27] James: I dunno.

[2025/06/02, 15:46:39] James: It seems so … obvious. Surely someone else has seen it.

[2025/06/02, 15:47:10] James: But this is an old drug. Used to treat autistic aggression in children who can’t report their subjective experiences.

[2025/06/02, 15:47:30] James: It is tarnished by the unfortunate category of antipsychotic.

[2025/06/02, 15:47:49] James: The old candidate that nobody has looked for in 20 years.

[2025/06/02, 15:47:54] James: But fucking perfect for the job.

[2025/06/02, 15:48:04] James: Not sure how long I can hold on to be honest.

[2025/06/02, 15:48:14] James: But the fact that I’m holding on at all is evidence in my mind.

[2025/06/02, 15:48:20] James: Tick tock.

[2025/06/02, 16:40:16] James: Maybe most people have a capacity for information limited by the quantity in a single thread, while mine is limited by the number of threads.

[2025/06/02, 16:40:38] James: So while another person could weave 5 threads into an answer, I can run with one thread to the moon.

[2025/06/02, 16:40:53] James: Sometimes turn around wondering where the fuck I am but hey. The analogy holds. Done.

[2025/06/02, 19:48:53] James: Check in at day 11 of aripiprazole:

[2025/06/02, 19:48:59] James: I feel great.

[2025/06/02, 19:49:02] James: No more bottoms.

[2025/06/02, 19:49:07] James: I have a constant personality.

[2025/06/02, 19:49:44] James: My RSD is gone. COMPLETELY. My RSD was crippling. I have self respect in relationships.

[2025/06/02, 19:50:02] James: And I just had ‘the debrief’ with my partner. It was effortless.

[2025/06/02, 19:51:04] James: It was 2 hours or brutal conversation about all my past failings.

[2025/06/02, 19:51:18] James: 42 years of ineptitude and failure

[2025/06/02, 19:51:23] James: And it was effortless.

[2025/06/02, 19:51:46] James: Also had the self respect to say that there is no going back.

[2025/06/02, 19:51:53] James: This is a permanent prosthetic n

[2025/06/02, 19:51:59] James: I believe it now.

[2025/06/02, 19:52:03] James: My son is on day 2.

[2025/06/02, 19:52:06] James: He’s acting weird.

[2025/06/02, 19:52:36] James: That is clinical evidence that I have improved his life tenfold (more. So much more)

[2025/06/02, 19:52:50] James: It feels less surreal each day and everyone is still sceptical everyone.

[2025/06/02, 19:53:04] James: They know adhd is a thing and that thing can’t be cured.

[2025/06/02, 19:53:10] James: Well it can’t be cured.

[2025/06/02, 19:53:15] James: You can’t have a new leg

[2025/06/02, 19:53:51] James: But you can have a prosthetic. That is always there, functions exactly the same (?) and nobody knows you are wearing.

[2025/06/02, 19:54:00] James: I have a continuous sense of self n

[2025/06/02, 19:54:10] James: Total control over my mind. I can focus it where I want.

[2025/06/02, 19:54:14] James: I can let others speak.

[2025/06/02, 19:54:33] James: I don’t get angry st my kids. One is kicking me right now. It’s very annoying. Haha.

[2025/06/02, 19:54:36] James: Fucking wild.

[2025/06/02, 19:54:44] James: Surely this isn’t real

[2025/06/02, 19:54:54] James: But the pink cloud is passed and there’s still no bottom.

[2025/06/02, 19:55:05] James: I met the psychiatrist today

[2025/06/02, 19:55:36] James: He went from sceptical to surprised to excited and I asked him to prescribe to another patient if possible for more data. He complied.

[2025/06/02, 19:56:24] James: (If anyone happens to be reading this shit, data please)

[2025/06/02, 19:56:56] James: Anyway. 1mg from today. Kid on it too. Pinching myself.

[2025/06/02, 19:57:00] James: Life is too weird.

[2025/06/02, 19:57:08] James: Saved marriage by skin of the teeth.

[2025/06/02, 19:57:20] James: This weird shit is happening.

[2025/06/02, 19:57:30] James: Or I’m painting a picture of insanity

[2025/06/02, 19:57:34] James: One or the other.

[2025/06/02, 19:57:42] James: Anyway

[2025/06/02, 19:57:44] James: Bath.

[2025/06/02, 19:57:49] James: Knackered.

[2025/06/02, 19:57:54] James: Does fuck your sleep up for a bit.

[2025/06/02, 19:58:03] James: Probably because you’ve never known real sleep

[2025/06/02, 19:58:24] James: You’ve only known exhaustion. And the first 2 weeks are that leaving your body.

[2025/06/02, 19:58:27] James: Like alcohol

[2025/06/02, 19:58:29] James: Oh fuck

[2025/06/02, 19:58:38] James: How easy that one would have been with this med

[2025/06/02, 20:21:58] James: I had to ask people to stop messaging me.

[2025/06/02, 20:22:48] James: I’ve realised that they interrupt the processing and I have to stop, do something else, task switch, etc. it’s possible now. But stil hard with low RAM.

[2025/06/02, 20:24:57] James: So this is gonna sound weird as fuck

[2025/06/02, 20:24:59] James: I’m normal.

[2025/06/02, 20:25:02] James: Or I was.

[2025/06/02, 20:25:05] James: ?

[2025/06/02, 20:25:06] James: Anyway

[2025/06/02, 20:25:34] James: When someone messages me they start a whole new process and knock the old one right out of my memory.

[2025/06/02, 20:25:48] James: ADHD means this is impossible to ignore (maybe not any more)

[2025/06/02, 20:26:38] James: This pulls me onto a new track and I forget about the old one. I infodump but not effectively because like 1mb of my 8mb RAM is still holding that project on pause.

[2025/06/02, 20:26:49] James: This means a shoddy job and dropped packets.

[2025/06/02, 20:27:00] James: I go back to the real task. Where was I?

[2025/06/02, 20:27:04] James: Back 5 steps.

[2025/06/02, 20:27:09] James: Back into the rails.

[2025/06/02, 20:27:30] James: But now there’s leftovers from process B, the shoddy job, falling out the ass if my train

[2025/06/02, 20:27:37] James: There’s a goat driving it.

[2025/06/02, 20:27:49] James: Fucking goat. Class.

[2025/06/02, 20:27:54] James: Anyway

[2025/06/02, 20:28:02] James: So

[2025/06/02, 20:28:12] James: (Reads back 5 messages laughing to self)

[2025/06/02, 20:28:36] James: God this is so dumb.

[2025/06/02, 20:28:41] James: Anyway

[2025/06/02, 20:28:54] James: Shit falls out from B because it wasn’t allowed proper resources to finish.

[2025/06/02, 20:28:57] James: This clogs up A

[2025/06/02, 20:29:31] James: And results in a trickle of shite, meaningless, yet panicky? Messages trying to fix the gaps.

[2025/06/02, 20:29:35] James: While A falls apart

[2025/06/02, 20:29:41] James: Back to the start.

[2025/06/02, 20:29:44] James: ….

[2025/06/02, 20:29:49] James: Does that follow?

[2025/06/02, 20:29:55] James: So I love you, guys.

[2025/06/02, 20:30:22] James: The whole reason I’m writing this is to ensure that I do a proper ground survey this time, before I lay the foundations of my new personality.

[2025/06/02, 20:30:57] James: Because the last few times I didn’t know what I was building on.

[2025/06/02, 20:31:08] James: And it all crumbled as a result.

[2025/06/02, 20:31:15] James: That can’t happen again. You know why.

[2025/06/02, 20:31:25] James: So here I am.

[2025/06/02, 20:31:30] James: Baring it all like a fuck

[2025/06/02, 20:31:38] James: Because that’s my fucking AuDHD superpower

[2025/06/02, 20:31:58] James: And a fucking drug

[2025/06/02, 20:32:00] James: Showed me

[2025/06/02, 20:32:04] James: Definitively

[2025/06/02, 20:32:09] James: That ADHD is a disability.

[2025/06/02, 20:32:12] James: …..

[2025/06/02, 20:32:16] James: I couldn’t climb the stairs.

[2025/06/02, 20:32:18] James: ….

[2025/06/02, 20:32:22] James: Now maybe I can.

[2025/06/02, 20:32:24] James: .

[2025/06/02, 20:32:36] James: Gimme time.

[2025/06/02, 20:32:43] James: This website is for you, first and foremost.

[2025/06/02, 20:32:45] James: Well…

[2025/06/02, 20:32:55] James: For me. So I am ok.

[2025/06/02, 20:33:08] James: I’ll say some crazy shit. I’ll not say anything personal. Not really.

[2025/06/02, 20:33:13] James: What’s happening is wild.

[2025/06/02, 20:33:17] James: I feel a bit insane.

[2025/06/02, 20:33:23] James: But I’ve felt that way my whole life.

[2025/06/02, 20:33:26] James: That’s the thing.

[2025/06/02, 20:33:31] James: Now I feel more sane.

[2025/06/02, 20:33:44] James: Still mad

[2025/06/02, 20:33:58] James: But I finally have control of my intellect. Parts of it anyway

[2025/06/02, 20:34:04] James: I need to figure out how the hog handles.

[2025/06/02, 20:34:08] James: Or I go over a cliff

[2025/06/02, 20:34:19] James: So yeah.

[2025/06/02, 20:34:29] James: Let’s listen to meatloaf like the good old days.

[2025/06/02, 20:34:34] James: This hit hard and fast.

[2025/06/02, 20:35:51] James: But I’m more and more convinced

[2025/06/02, 20:36:17] James: That it could help a lot of people. People who might be like me but might think they’re [not like me].

[2025/06/02, 20:36:40] James: But this task has priority over all

[2025/06/02, 20:36:45] James: This is the ground survey.

[2025/06/02, 20:37:14] James: It just needs to happen to completion. And not be interrupted.

[2025/06/02, 20:37:42] James: Thanks guys.

[2025/06/02, 20:37:46] James: See you in a bit.

[2025/06/02, 20:37:49] James: James x

[2025/06/02, 21:24:44] James: So anyway what I think is happening now.

[2025/06/02, 21:24:49] James: Convinced for some reason

[2025/06/02, 21:24:54] James: Is a fully formed personality

[2025/06/02, 21:24:57] James: Is sliding

[2025/06/02, 21:25:02] James: Nice and smooth

[2025/06/02, 21:25:10] James: Out of my psyche

[2025/06/02, 21:25:13] James: Like a poo

[2025/06/02, 21:25:24] James: .

[2025/06/02, 21:25:43] James: The food was eaten long ago. 42 years worth of food really.

[2025/06/02, 21:25:55] James: Pachinko? Poo?

[2025/06/02, 21:26:11] James: It goes into the poochinko machine.

[2025/06/02, 21:26:21] James: Until it hits the sand.

[2025/06/02, 21:26:32] James: Or wait.

[2025/06/02, 21:26:35] James: No sand.

[2025/06/02, 21:26:45] James: This has fallen apart.

[2025/06/02, 21:26:55] James: Nah still going

[2025/06/02, 21:26:57] James: So….

[2025/06/02, 21:27:06] James: The poochinko machine.

[2025/06/02, 21:27:10] James: It has its food.

[2025/06/02, 21:27:15] James: But the inner workings are tied.

[2025/06/02, 21:27:22] James: Knotted

[2025/06/02, 21:27:50] James: So guanfacine releases the fight or flight response, unknotting the bowels of the poochinko machine

[2025/06/02, 21:28:10] James: The poo balls roll a bit further until they hit the…

[2025/06/02, 21:28:13] James: Sand

[2025/06/02, 21:28:20] James: I’m tired

[2025/06/02, 21:28:46] James: Anyway then

[2025/06/02, 21:29:20] James: I’m already thinking about ending with: god that was hard to maintain the poochinko thing but I love it

[2025/06/02, 21:29:22] James: Ended

[2025/06/02, 21:29:56] James: The pachinko machine meanwhile has its balls which are clean and good and my thoughts and memories are totally intact. Everything I have enjoyed or experienced in my life is THERE.

[2025/06/02, 21:30:05] James: It was ALWAYS there

[2025/06/02, 21:30:12] James: But I could not access it.

[2025/06/02, 21:30:14] James: Or rather:

[2025/06/02, 21:30:27] James: I could not access it with the correct emotion attached.

[2025/06/02, 21:30:30] James: That’s the one.

[2025/06/02, 21:30:33] James: Now

[2025/06/02, 21:30:44] James: The emotions are indexing in reverse, for my entire life.

[2025/06/02, 21:30:48] James: Like dominoes.

[2025/06/02, 21:30:53] James: Tick tick tick.

[2025/06/02, 21:30:57] James: Down they go.

[2025/06/02, 21:31:03] James: Because if understanding.

[2025/06/02, 21:31:06] James: And mostly

[2025/06/02, 21:31:09] James: Because of drugs.

[2025/06/02, 21:31:16] James: Which are not used for adhd

[2025/06/02, 21:32:00] James: But the data was always there. The processor is fast. It can only handle one task. The task now:

[2025/06/02, 21:32:03] James: Assemble.

[2025/06/02, 21:32:08] James: And this personality

[2025/06/02, 21:32:11] James: That is James Baird

[2025/06/02, 21:32:25] James: Is just…:

[2025/06/02, 21:32:28] James: Appearing.

[2025/06/02, 21:32:35] James: Like he was always here

[2025/06/02, 21:32:42] James: Under some kind of sheath.

[2025/06/02, 21:32:51] James: And he could never breathe

[2025/06/02, 21:32:55] James: And he didn’t even know it

[2025/06/02, 21:32:57] James: .

[2025/06/02, 21:33:01] James: This is wild.

[2025/06/02, 21:33:20] James: I don’t say this is wild. It’s not one of my things.

[2025/06/02, 21:33:23] James: This is wild.

[2025/06/02, 21:33:25] James: Now I say it.

[2025/06/02, 21:33:33] James: I don’t know how not to talk about this.

[2025/06/02, 21:33:36] James: It’s too big.

[2025/06/02, 21:34:16] James: If other people can experience anything like this…

[2025/06/02, 21:34:23] James: Life changing… almost doesn’t cover it

[2025/06/02, 21:34:30] James: And I know I will acclimatise

[2025/06/02, 21:35:05] James: Like all the other people who sat there and enjoyed the fact they could enjoy a rosy glow. They sat there and enjoyed it until it faded. And they got used to it. And they forgot to share it with the world.

[2025/06/02, 21:35:14] James: Those people. I can’t blame them.

[2025/06/02, 21:35:20] James: But what a missed opportunity.

[2025/06/02, 21:35:55] James: I’m fucking crying man. The hours, minutes, seconds of potentially spared anguish.

[2025/06/02, 21:36:17] James: Not just for the patient, but for the family… society… everyone.

[2025/06/02, 21:36:22] James: Yeah this is too big

[2025/06/02, 21:36:32] James: I’m going to have to fucking pull the trigger.

[2025/06/02, 21:36:51] James: Prolly at like 3am when nobody’s online

[2025/06/02, 21:52:29] James: You know what

[2025/06/02, 21:52:39] James: I just realised

[2025/06/02, 21:52:53] James: I might be able to form actual relationships with people.

[2025/06/02, 21:53:05] James: That’ll sound strange.

[2025/06/02, 21:53:30] James: But I’ve been an employer and an employee. They’re not equal.

[2025/06/02, 21:54:11] James: How can you have an equal relationship with the dynamics RSD introduces?