raw11

[2025/06/03, 2:41:10] James: Haha. There it is. The drive to action.

[2025/06/03, 2:45:48] James: Well

[2025/06/03, 2:45:52] James: I have upped my dose.

[2025/06/03, 2:46:34] James: Fucking hell 42 years will do that eh. The meaning of life. Fry me a kipper. Back for breakfast.

[2025/06/03, 2:46:39] James: 3am. Haha.

[2025/06/03, 2:47:03] James: Anyway. Life to date has been fits and starts, to put it lightly.

[2025/06/03, 2:48:12] James: To paint it in broad swathes

[2025/06/03, 2:48:14] James: -

[2025/06/03, 2:48:50] James: Awake at 3. Not slept properly for 2 weeks. Know it’s my system realigning. 42 years. Takes a short while. Just know it. Drugs. Exercise. Meditation. Just know.

[2025/06/03, 2:49:25] James: I’m happy / it does not bother me to be waking up at 3 and expunging shit from my memory.

[2025/06/03, 2:49:33] James: I probably won’t fall asleep again

[2025/06/03, 2:50:26] James: The transformer noise… which nobody else hears… and they told me they couldn’t hear but I heard ‘James yours going mad because of the stress’ and I’m not no it’s real guys and they don’t know why I’m so emphatic.

[2025/06/03, 2:50:39] James: No wonder they thought I was going mad. But I wasn’t.

[2025/06/03, 2:50:46] James: That’s the thing. I was autistic.

[2025/06/03, 2:50:50] James: I can accept myself

[2025/06/03, 2:51:02] James: Anyway. That’s another topic. Right now. Drugs.

[2025/06/03, 2:51:04] James: Fuck me.

[2025/06/03, 2:51:07] James: I’m fixed.

[2025/06/03, 2:51:18] James: I don’t give a shit about the narrative.

[2025/06/03, 2:51:29] James: The things that caused me discomfort do no more.

[2025/06/03, 2:51:42] James: Maybe having a phone in bed is optimal for me for a while.

[2025/06/03, 2:52:44] James: I had a conversation last night with ease which would have been - can’t stress enough - physically yes physically - not a case of ‘not trying’ but even I don’t realise just how much not a case.

[2025/06/03, 2:52:58] James: Lord of the rings. Fucking tolkien surely had adhd.

[2025/06/03, 2:53:01] James: Anyway

[2025/06/03, 2:53:10] James: Tom bombadil this shit.

[2025/06/03, 2:53:12] James: Fuck

[2025/06/03, 2:53:20] James: Anyway haha

[2025/06/03, 2:53:25] James: I feel fucking GREAT

[2025/06/03, 2:54:02] James: And previously. Despite being retired. Waking at 2:45 and being unable to sleep. Despite it happening every night of my life. Would drive me wild.

[2025/06/03, 2:54:03] James: Now

[2025/06/03, 2:54:14] James: [sillt voice]

[2025/06/03, 2:54:34] James: Neurodivergent James needs to offload some data from his memory and is excited because

[2025/06/03, 2:54:40] James: And I can’t stress this enough

[2025/06/03, 2:54:49] James: The fact that he has waited so long

[2025/06/03, 2:54:54] James: Is evidence in itself

[2025/06/03, 2:54:57] James: That this drug

[2025/06/03, 2:55:01] James: Fixes ADHD

[2025/06/03, 2:55:07] James: And the science.

[2025/06/03, 2:55:18] James: To my fucking riddled addled brain full of holes

[2025/06/03, 2:55:23] James: Suggests that it might

[2025/06/03, 2:55:31] James: Work for a hell of a lot of people

[2025/06/03, 2:55:42] James: …. If not all

[2025/06/03, 2:55:45] James: There I said it.

[2025/06/03, 2:55:50] James: And I’m fucking excited

[2025/06/03, 2:55:59] James: And I am thinking the clearest I ever have in my life.

[2025/06/03, 2:56:14] James: And I have gone my life saying ‘fuck you guys I’m doing it’

[2025/06/03, 2:56:32] James: And I’m pretty fucking sure of this parachute. This is a good fear.

[2025/06/03, 2:56:34] James: Fuck me.

[2025/06/03, 2:56:38] James: 1 fucking day

[2025/06/03, 2:56:40] James: Can’t

[2025/06/03, 2:56:44] James: 1 fucking day

[2025/06/03, 2:56:48] James: On this medicine

[2025/06/03, 2:56:51] James: Was better

[2025/06/03, 2:56:56] James: Than 42 years without it

[2025/06/03, 2:57:00] James: And I will forget that

[2025/06/03, 2:57:05] James: And people need to know.

[2025/06/03, 2:57:12] James: That they can give it to themselves

[2025/06/03, 2:57:15] James: And their families.

[2025/06/03, 2:57:35] James: There’s no choice. There never was. Not because of ADHD. But because of ASD

[2025/06/03, 2:57:43] James: This is the RIGHT THING to do

[2025/06/03, 2:57:51] James: If it hurts your business, so be it

[2025/06/03, 2:57:54] James: You earned your money

[2025/06/03, 2:58:09] James: Sorry guys. I’ll build you another company. Gimme a few days. Seriously.

[2025/06/03, 2:58:13] James: Don’t think it will.

[2025/06/03, 2:58:18] James: Neurodivergent client base.

[2025/06/03, 2:58:29] James: I have the contacts

[2025/06/03, 2:58:39] James: To get this drug - maybe approved

[2025/06/03, 2:58:48] James: I can definitely make noise in the market where it’s made.

[2025/06/03, 2:59:00] James: And I’ve already started ‘clinical trials’ as best I can.. ha

[2025/06/03, 2:59:58] James: I’ve asked for peer review but think i pissed the guy off by asking too much too fast with an completely unusual med routine

[2025/06/03, 3:00:12] James: I think I’ve (temporarily) been put in the looney bin

[2025/06/03, 3:00:27] James: That’s understandable. And it does not bother on the emotional level.

[2025/06/03, 3:00:30] James: In the fucking slightest.

[2025/06/03, 3:00:35] James: And that’s evidence.

[2025/06/03, 3:00:43] James: Clean up the mess later.

[2025/06/03, 3:00:56] James: They are fighting their fight. I think this might be mine.

[2025/06/03, 3:01:10] James: I’m not that Ye cunt

[2025/06/03, 3:01:47] James: I don’t think I’m bipolar. Pretty confident now. Small chance of cyclothymia. Almost certainly autistic and adhd burnout cycle plus a little SAD as a trigger and boom.

[2025/06/03, 3:01:54] James: It’s fucking wild

[2025/06/03, 3:01:59] James: I see it all so clearly

[2025/06/03, 3:02:07] James: The whole personality. There. Sequencing.

[2025/06/03, 3:02:12] James: Fucking compiling.

[2025/06/03, 3:02:14] James: That’s it.

[2025/06/03, 3:02:25] James: My personality is fucking COMPILING guys

[2025/06/03, 3:02:31] James: It was fucking there.

[2025/06/03, 3:02:43] James: It was just gobbledegook

[2025/06/03, 3:02:52] James: And it’s confusing and I’m kinda holding on

[2025/06/03, 3:02:55] James: But in a good way

[2025/06/03, 3:03:44] James: And I’ve given this to my kid and I’ve seen him bouncing off the walls and the doctors would see it and say ‘behavioural this behavioural that here’s a better worker bee’ and FUCK the individual and FUCK thei subjective experience

[2025/06/03, 3:07:03] James: That’s the thing.

[2025/06/03, 3:07:08] James: Life has always been doom

[2025/06/03, 3:07:10] James: And now

[2025/06/03, 3:07:14] James: It’s gonna be alright

[2025/06/03, 3:08:21] James: Even if I post this on LinkedIn and it all implodes and I lose the money I worked for. Fuck. Even if the hard conversations lead to solitude.

[2025/06/03, 3:08:24] James: Everything will be ok

[2025/06/03, 3:08:47] James: And I had never ever. Ever. Eveeer. In my life. Ever. To this fucking day (well).

[2025/06/03, 3:08:50] James: I’d never felt that

[2025/06/03, 3:08:53] James: And I didn’t know it

[2025/06/03, 3:08:57] James: And I’d don’t drugs.

[2025/06/03, 3:08:59] James: All of them

[2025/06/03, 3:09:02] James: Just not legally

[2025/06/03, 3:09:08] James: Fuck ke those taps were cranked

[2025/06/03, 3:09:11] James: This is better

[2025/06/03, 3:09:20] James: This is what it is to be a sink.

[2025/06/03, 3:09:29] James: Not manic

[2025/06/03, 3:09:46] James: But maybe this is that thing I felt I could do with my life. The positive impact.

[2025/06/03, 3:10:09] James: And FUCK my business and FUCK the naysayers and FUCK it all because this is too big.

[2025/06/03, 3:10:22] James: Until I took this drug I rolled my eyes at this one.

[2025/06/03, 3:10:26] James: But if this drug.

[2025/06/03, 3:10:33] James: Helps even one person

[2025/06/03, 3:10:37] James: The way it has helped me

[2025/06/03, 3:10:47] James: It would be worth every fucking penny I have ever fucking earned.

[2025/06/03, 3:10:49] James: There.

[2025/06/03, 3:10:54] James: Is that quantified?

[2025/06/03, 3:11:02] James: (In an AuDHD sense?)

[2025/06/03, 3:11:04] James: Every penny

[2025/06/03, 3:11:10] James: For a stranger

[2025/06/03, 3:11:28] James: Spotting matches.

[2025/06/03, 3:11:33] James: Autistic.

[2025/06/03, 3:11:35] James: Fresh eyes.

[2025/06/03, 3:11:43] James: Not far fetched.

[2025/06/03, 3:11:46] James: Just unlikely.

[2025/06/03, 3:11:50] James: 3am.

[2025/06/03, 3:11:55] James: Like fucking clockwork.

[2025/06/03, 3:11:59] James: Because I know me.

[2025/06/03, 3:12:06] James: I lacked the compiler.

[2025/06/03, 3:12:09] James: I’ve found it

[2025/06/03, 3:12:12] James: And for others.

[2025/06/03, 3:12:26] James: I almost don’t want to go for a walk

[2025/06/03, 3:12:38] James: In case I get hit by that bus

[2025/06/03, 3:13:23] James: But the data is here now so someone would do something with it and because of the lack of dopamine dropouts I don’t have a sense of doom / RSD and it’s as plain as instinct that the nes would spread regardles.

[2025/06/03, 3:13:37] James: So I’m gonna go for a fucking walk. Probably shit out some more shit while I’m at it.

[2025/06/03, 3:14:34] James: Fuck you guys. That’s me I’m taking to. Or the internalised me. The internalised and verbalised criticism

I heard as an empty when you were saying nothing.

[2025/06/03, 3:14:36] James: Ha

[2025/06/03, 3:14:58] James: Not sad in the slightest but these things I just see where I couldn’t see them before

[2025/06/03, 3:15:08] James: And they don’t for any kind of narrative I’ve ever know.

[2025/06/03, 3:15:10] James: They don’t

[2025/06/03, 3:15:50] James: I only picked up a few ND words recently, kinda hate them, and just use them because they fit better than others.

[2025/06/03, 3:15:56] James: Sensory sensitivities?

[2025/06/03, 3:16:06] James: Special interests?

[2025/06/03, 3:16:19] James: I sharpen samurai sword you fucking loser

[2025/06/03, 3:16:29] James: Go back to your football

[2025/06/03, 3:17:06] James: Jesus Christ. Which one sounds more retarded and which one is? And fuck you guys with the R word this is me being a fucking mirror.

[2025/06/03, 3:17:07] James: Anyway

[2025/06/03, 3:17:09] James: Walk

[2025/06/03, 3:17:16] James: This is the best news I have ever

[2025/06/03, 3:17:19] James: Ever

[2025/06/03, 3:17:57] James: Yeah I’ll not repeat because words don’t suffice. Talking to myself works. And I know why.

[2025/06/03, 3:18:05] James: This is so crazy

[2025/06/03, 3:18:15] James: If other people have entire personalities just waiting

[2025/06/03, 3:18:27] James: They might experience it differently. For me the tech language fits.

[2025/06/03, 3:18:35] James: It feels like enlightenment.

[2025/06/03, 3:18:48] James: It’s the closest word, scientifically speaking

[2025/06/03, 3:19:18] James: And yes I’ve studied both. That will sound silly, unless you have too and know the Buddha was a scientist of the mind operating in the language of his time

[2025/06/03, 3:19:21] James: Wait

[2025/06/03, 3:19:47] James: Don’t go down that rabbit hole James. Just convinced yourself if not them that you aren’t manic

[2025/06/03, 3:19:47] James: Haha

[2025/06/03, 3:19:49] James: Joke

[2025/06/03, 3:19:50] James: Anyway

[2025/06/03, 3:19:52] James: Walk

[2025/06/03, 3:19:55] James: Fucking yes

[2025/06/03, 3:19:59] James: Everything pales

[2025/06/03, 3:20:05] James: Everything

[2025/06/03, 3:21:09] James: Rather be paraplegic with this brain chemistry than Ironman with the other. I know I’ve only experienced one of those, but if earning money wasn’t an issue… I’d probably rather be able to stop and smell the roses.

[2025/06/03, 3:21:48] James: I can fix and maintain real relationships because I have a real personality coming out. Maybe. Let’s not loo at that yet. Slight physical aversion between blades.

[2025/06/03, 3:21:52] James: Feel great.

[2025/06/03, 3:21:56] James: Birds singing.

[2025/06/03, 3:22:00] James: Not driven to action

[2025/06/03, 3:22:03] James: Going for walk.

[2025/06/03, 3:22:05] James: Fuck yeah

[2025/06/03, 3:29:04] James: What did you earn your money for if not to help your friends?

[2025/06/03, 3:29:21] James: And what is this fucking network full of strangers good for apart from disseminating information

[2025/06/03, 3:47:22] James: 620 yen a month for a happy life.

[2025/06/03, 3:47:26] James: Madness

[2025/06/03, 3:47:52] James: People just have no idea.

[2025/06/03, 3:48:12] James: ADHD folks too. I know how to manage expectations. There is no cure.

[2025/06/03, 3:48:24] James: But this might as well be one.

[2025/06/03, 3:48:57] James: So how I view myself now…

[2025/06/03, 3:49:07] James: Kinda like a scared boy being ragged around by a maniac.

[2025/06/03, 3:49:22] James: The real me feel like the autistic me.

[2025/06/03, 3:49:39] James: And the crazy emotional soup that was sloshing around inside it has abated.

[2025/06/03, 3:49:57] James: That was the ADHD and it kept me dancing like a monkey and FUCKING productive through misery

[2025/06/03, 3:50:03] James: Misery

[2025/06/03, 3:50:07] James: Totally misery

[2025/06/03, 3:50:13] James: Only visible through hindsight.

[2025/06/03, 3:50:18] James: And there was an exit. Anyway.

[2025/06/03, 3:50:26] James: I’m that autistic guy ragged around.

[2025/06/03, 3:50:28] James: Hate it.

[2025/06/03, 3:50:32] James: But love it too.

[2025/06/03, 3:50:35] James: Gurning.

[2025/06/03, 3:50:44] James: Sensory sensitivities. Derrr.

[2025/06/03, 3:51:24] James: So I get tired and both go haywire. ADHD craves stimulation. ASD is exhausted and sensitive. Executive function breaks down. Nothing good.

[2025/06/03, 3:51:43] James: It’s why I drank, I guess. So hard and so long.

[2025/06/03, 3:52:02] James: GABA relaxed the sensitivities. Then ADHD cranks up as tiredness kicks in.

[2025/06/03, 3:53:16] James: Trust me when I say that - in hindsight - nothing I have tried substance-wise comes close to my brains natural stuff. I never realised til now because I can still get high as fuck on my weed analogs and this drug places a ceiling on dopamine

[2025/06/03, 3:53:20] James: Anyway

[2025/06/03, 3:53:30] James: Now the ADHD has been medicated.

[2025/06/03, 3:53:34] James: I can’t describe the relief.

[2025/06/03, 3:53:43] James: And not a temporary

[2025/06/03, 3:53:53] James: It’s going to come back some time unless I take this drug.

[2025/06/03, 3:54:15] James: It doesn’t feel like that. It feels like it’s gone, day and night, forever.

[2025/06/03, 3:54:41] James: I know the meds need to be taken daily. But once daily dosing? And no pharmacological bumps? That’s as good as permanent

[2025/06/03, 4:00:38] James: A bit wobbly this morning but that’s the increased dose binding to the receptors and hopefully should bring more clarity. If it tips over into dulled then lower the dose. This is literally feathering the brakes that people with adhd lack.

[2025/06/03, 4:00:54] James: Why isn’t this done?

[2025/06/03, 4:01:13] James: Anyway… yeah.

[2025/06/03, 4:02:36] James: So I was this autistic guy kind slave to a madman. ‘Feel the fear and do in anyway’ was a great way that my second manager used to manipulate me into lining his pockets (Geoff you’re a cunt and everybody hated you did you never realise that your little spiderweb folded the second people went for beers)

[2025/06/03, 4:02:39] James: Anyway

[2025/06/03, 4:02:44] James: Fear. Crank it up.

[2025/06/03, 4:02:47] James: Fuck me the burnout

[2025/06/03, 4:02:50] James: Fuck

[2025/06/03, 4:03:11] James: But at the time I would be like ‘James you’re a loser. Fucking loser. Fucking cunt. Useless shit. Cunt.

[2025/06/03, 4:03:31] James: Get out of bed. Fucking talk. Fix this fight. Useless fucking shit

[2025/06/03, 4:03:38] James: No avail. Until spring

[2025/06/03, 4:03:43] James: And then I harnessed it.

[2025/06/03, 4:03:45] James: Ironman.

[2025/06/03, 4:03:51] James: Structure. I would find a race

[2025/06/03, 4:04:16] James: And build back. My training plans were my entire life. They were my joy my routine my excitement my solitude my escape my stim

[2025/06/03, 4:04:29] James: My medication

[2025/06/03, 4:04:56] James: And totally unsustainable. I nearly killed myself through overtraining in the end. In the name of… what? Escaping my fucking dopamine flushes

[2025/06/03, 4:04:58] James: Anyway

[2025/06/03, 4:05:06] James: Fuck

[2025/06/03, 4:05:13] James: I wasn’t a loser

[2025/06/03, 4:05:18] James: I was autistic

[2025/06/03, 4:05:27] James: And the plans held me together til the end

[2025/06/03, 4:05:36] James: But by the end i was on fumes.

[2025/06/03, 4:05:47] James: And the burnout worse each time. Potato mode.

[2025/06/03, 4:06:23] James: My training cycle was 16 on 5 off. Because I think I was masking for 16 and recovering for 5. I think my whole life was structured, unconsciously, around burnout cycles.

[2025/06/03, 4:06:33] James: So now the ADHD is fixed

[2025/06/03, 4:06:37] James: I feel like I can be me

[2025/06/03, 4:06:40] James: For the first time

[2025/06/03, 4:06:41] James: Ever

[2025/06/03, 4:06:42] James: Me

[2025/06/03, 4:06:54] James: The ADHD was a loud fucking shitty stormy soup in my head

[2025/06/03, 4:07:15] James: But the pillars are strong and solid and there. The storm is draining. Metaphor into the black box.

[2025/06/03, 4:07:48] James: Heading out for that walk maybe

[2025/06/03, 4:14:32] James: Ha

[2025/06/03, 4:14:37] James: Fuck me

[2025/06/03, 4:14:44] James: I just realised that recruitment …

[2025/06/03, 4:15:02] James: It trained me to shout and get heard in a word full of idiots.

[2025/06/03, 4:15:07] James: Because I have FACTS

[2025/06/03, 4:15:11] James: And I DONT LIE.

[2025/06/03, 4:15:14] James: I do exaggerate

[2025/06/03, 4:15:21] James: This time I’m not.

[2025/06/03, 4:15:27] James: I only exaggerate in the moment.

[2025/06/03, 4:15:41] James: (Maybe not going forward, who knows)

[2025/06/03, 4:15:51] James: Anyway the facts are what made people listen.

[2025/06/03, 4:16:13] James: In this case I HAVE cured my ADHD and it seems to be a pharmacological cure.

[2025/06/03, 4:16:29] James: If there were ANY behavioral things, I have done them. To death

[2025/06/03, 4:16:34] James: They did not work

[2025/06/03, 4:16:42] James: Now back to your fucking tiktok.

[2025/06/03, 4:16:47] James: I’ve work to do.

[2025/06/03, 4:17:05] James: Because I think this will be the next project. Just feels right.

[2025/06/03, 4:17:21] James: So no…

[2025/06/03, 4:17:23] James: Now

[2025/06/03, 4:17:32] James: I view myself as though the fever has broken.

[2025/06/03, 4:17:40] James: I’m waking from a 42 year long fever dream.

[2025/06/03, 4:17:46] James: I’m not quite sure where I am or who I am.

[2025/06/03, 4:18:03] James: It’s like one of those sci-fi stories. Jason Bourne. Etc.

[2025/06/03, 4:18:35] James: But the pieces are just coming back to me. Sliding into place.

[2025/06/03, 4:18:41] James: I’m remembering who I am.

[2025/06/03, 4:18:50] James: And I’m able to be that person.

[2025/06/03, 4:18:56] James: And that person is an autistic guy

[2025/06/03, 4:19:05] James: Who is very outgoing, very opinionated

[2025/06/03, 4:19:14] James: He hates making mistakes but makes them anyway.

[2025/06/03, 4:22:03] James: Fixed you ADHD with pineapple juice up the bum.

[2025/06/03, 4:22:04] James: Fuck off

[2025/06/03, 4:22:07] James: I’m retired.

[2025/06/03, 4:22:11] James: I’ve earned my money.

[2025/06/03, 4:22:21] James: With my fucking superpower of suffering you fuck

[2025/06/03, 4:22:24] James: Fuck off

[2025/06/03, 4:22:28] James: This is real.

[2025/06/03, 4:22:32] James: Go sell your snake oil

[2025/06/03, 4:22:51] James: I’ll stick with pharmaceuticals

[2025/06/03, 4:23:04] James: Because I can explain to you on a mechanistic level why this works.

[2025/06/03, 4:23:18] James: I have subjective experience. It’s so good. I can’t share that. It’s so good though.

[2025/06/03, 4:23:30] James: So fuck off. Go back to selling snake oil.

[2025/06/03, 4:23:38] James: Or join the fucking revolution, you cunt.

[2025/06/03, 4:23:45] James: Let’s fucking do this

[2025/06/03, 4:26:32] James: ///:

[2025/06/03, 4:26:35] James: Holy fuck

[2025/06/03, 4:26:42] James: The marquetry and the knives.

[2025/06/03, 4:26:49] James: The way they feel like they’ve always been in my hand

[2025/06/03, 4:26:53] James: Like a past life.

[2025/06/03, 4:27:03] James: The rate of progress.

[2025/06/03, 4:27:12] James: Rapid artistic expression.

[2025/06/03, 4:27:26] James: Maybe I was already opening the box through behavioural stuff

[2025/06/03, 4:27:41] James: And this drug removed the chains.

[2025/06/03, 4:27:56] James: Rein it in James.

[2025/06/03, 4:27:59] James: ///

[2025/06/03, 4:38:50] James: Fuck it. This is too important. 1 day on this drug was worth 42 years without it. I want you guys to tear it apart, the science. I think this is far superior to current ADHD medications. My job was spotting matches. Stranger things have happened. Well… no they haven’t.

[2025/06/03, 4:40:25] James: ////

[2025/06/03, 4:40:32] James: I think this is like a full export job.

[2025/06/03, 4:40:53] James: Where an artist might be able to export 40, 50%, this feels …

[2025/06/03, 4:41:09] James: Like the recruiter picture i did. A mental enema. Felt high for a week.

[2025/06/03, 4:41:20] James: This is like this but so much bigger.

[2025/06/03, 4:41:39] James: Maybe art is impacting in proportion to the % of the person exported.

[2025/06/03, 4:43:02] James: Like I’m thinking about this

[2025/06/03, 4:43:19] James: I have no interest in fame or money. I want to sharpen knives and be left alone.

[2025/06/03, 4:43:30] James: But this is literally my entire being coming out, thinking about it.

[2025/06/03, 4:43:34] James: It could be impacting.

[2025/06/03, 4:44:06] James: Part of me is like you should only share the medicine with your professional network bla blah

[2025/06/03, 4:44:11] James: But LinkedIn is a fucking joke.

[2025/06/03, 4:44:35] James: Most of those people are kinda grovelling pathetic adhd types. The same 50 people wanking on a cookie.

[2025/06/03, 4:44:44] James: With like…

[2025/06/03, 4:44:56] James: 3 billion users watching

[2025/06/03, 4:45:01] James: How can people do that?

[2025/06/03, 4:45:04] James: Ugh

[2025/06/03, 4:45:08] James: Physical aversion

[2025/06/03, 4:45:10] James: Anyway

[2025/06/03, 4:45:24] James: Fuck them I guess is what I’m saying.

[2025/06/03, 4:46:03] James: Anyone who doesn’t like it can stop reading. I actually, genuinely, for the first time in my life, because of changes in how my dopamine receptors are functioning, do not care.

[2025/06/03, 4:46:28] James: Those folks would never have the balls to show themselves.

[2025/06/03, 4:47:07] James: To busy bragging about the zeroes on their last commission cheque, hoping for likes from the silent billions.

[2025/06/03, 4:47:12] James: Dumb

[2025/06/03, 4:47:15] James: Anyway

[2025/06/03, 4:47:28] James: I don’t care any more, I guess. And that’s amazing.

[2025/06/03, 4:47:36] James: I can operate more in line with my values

[2025/06/03, 4:47:43] James: And my values here say:

[2025/06/03, 4:47:46] James: Help people

[2025/06/03, 4:47:52] James: And fuck the naysayers.

[2025/06/03, 4:48:39] James: /////

[2025/06/03, 4:49:09] James: …..

[2025/06/03, 4:49:26] James: All these things coming out. They’ve been around my head thousands of times before

[2025/06/03, 4:49:38] James: Back and forth and looping round.

[2025/06/03, 4:49:49] James: This is different. They are clearing and will not be processed again.

[2025/06/03, 4:49:52] James: I now don’t care

[2025/06/03, 4:50:13] James: My emotions will not pull me back to caring because of some whim of the emotional soup

[2025/06/03, 4:50:22] James: Causing me to question my narrative and reprocess.

[2025/06/03, 4:50:25] James: Again and again.

[2025/06/03, 4:50:55] James: Do I care. Don’t I care. I don’t care. RSD. Do I care? Don’t I care? I don’t care. RSD.

[2025/06/03, 4:51:08] James: It’s so fucking obvious now. Like a wiped mirror.

[2025/06/03, 4:51:15] James: I don’t care.

[2025/06/03, 4:51:18] James: And that is that.

[2025/06/03, 4:54:24] James: I just need one other adult to try it.

[2025/06/03, 4:58:47] James: Fuck man.

[2025/06/03, 4:58:50] James: That’s it.

[2025/06/03, 4:59:08] James: Start process:

[2025/06/03, 4:59:25] James: Do I care? Don’t I care? About this persons shitty opinion?

[2025/06/03, 4:59:29] James: I don’t care.

[2025/06/03, 4:59:39] James: ** dopamine flush, RSD, panic

[2025/06/03, 4:59:56] James: I care

[2025/06/03, 5:00:07] James: Shitty opinion

[2025/06/03, 5:00:18] James: Do I care? Don’t I care?

[2025/06/03, 5:00:21] James: ….

[2025/06/03, 5:00:25] James: This is RSD

[2025/06/03, 5:00:30] James: No fucking doubt.

[2025/06/03, 5:00:41] James: Or one manifestation thereof.

[2025/06/03, 5:00:47] James: On a mechanistic level

[2025/06/03, 5:00:51] James: Win

[2025/06/03, 6:05:43] James: Not gonna lie. The change in my person is profound.

[2025/06/03, 6:05:49] James: Even I don’t know where it will end.

[2025/06/03, 6:06:10] James: It’s like of done all the work. The meditation. The art. The self improvement. The penance.

[2025/06/03, 6:06:18] James: But the results were backed up.

[2025/06/03, 6:06:32] James: And Abilify has pulled out the straws.

[2025/06/03, 6:06:37] James: Kerplunk!

[2025/06/03, 5:02:29] James: I suppose I can call this an art piece if anyone asks…

[2025/06/03, 5:03:51] James: And I suppose that with this drug, there might be some credibility to the superpower bullshit

[2025/06/03, 5:04:17] James: But we can only push the wheelchair so fast because we crawled around on our hands for so long.

[2025/06/03, 5:04:47] James: Fucking disability. Even adhd medicated, I never knew until I had the continuity from continuous receptor activation.

[2025/06/03, 5:17:12] James: I so there’s like this little boy with his eyes screwed against the storm. He has a process in front of him which he want to execute to perfection and it’s very important to him.

[2025/06/03, 5:17:37] James: But the storm in the temples is not abating and he needs to screw his eyes against that as well as the noise from the world.

[2025/06/03, 5:18:17] James: All the while trying to focus on this very important process. But all he can do is either glance or grasp. No ease.

[2025/06/03, 5:18:23] James: And it’s so very important.

[2025/06/03, 5:18:28] James: And so very loud.

[2025/06/03, 5:18:35] James: And he’s really trying to finish it.

[2025/06/03, 5:18:43] James: And then someone comes in and …

[2025/06/03, 5:18:48] James: Yeh.

[2025/06/03, 5:18:59] James: No more irritability. Fucking amazing drug.

[2025/06/03, 5:19:21] James: Thoughts still angry but maybe even that will change with time.

[2025/06/03, 5:19:48] James: It’s like the scene in trainspotting where he overdoses with ‘perfect day’ as the soundtrack

[2025/06/03, 5:19:52] James: That’s been my life.

[2025/06/03, 5:19:55] James: I had no idea

[2025/06/03, 5:20:09] James: Now… well. I’m going to flip the metaphor.

[2025/06/03, 5:20:32] James: The music is perfect day. And I’m no longer dying inside.

[2025/06/03, 5:20:45] James: Jesus Christ if I was talking to my wife about this…

[2025/06/03, 5:21:09] James: She’s already going insane with me only mentioning it a few times a day. But this is everything. This is the entire universe.

[2025/06/03, 5:21:18] James: I hoped for a mood lift

[2025/06/03, 5:21:23] James: And I got a fucking life

[2025/06/03, 5:21:29] James: For 620 yen a month.

[2025/06/03, 5:21:31] James: Fuck me.

[2025/06/03, 5:50:41] James: So I think that I’m updating this in real time.

[2025/06/03, 5:50:46] James: Because on some level

[2025/06/03, 5:51:09] James: I know myself. I know. This system that held everything together. Took 40% of my processing power.

[2025/06/03, 5:51:28] James: This system figured out ways to manipulate the beast into doing its bidding.

[2025/06/03, 5:51:41] James: I was externally very successful as a result.

[2025/06/03, 5:52:07] James: So those processes. Which the ASD figured out in order to rein in the ADHD.

[2025/06/03, 5:52:14] James: Those need to be exported before they’re forgotten.

[2025/06/03, 5:52:19] James: But you won’t forget yet.

[2025/06/03, 5:52:34] James: You’re about to put something on social media and you hate social media.

[2025/06/03, 5:52:47] James: One-way, with them listening, is more your kinda media.

[2025/06/03, 5:52:51] James: So do that.

[2025/06/03, 5:52:55] James: Sharpen some knives.

[2025/06/03, 5:53:06] James: This isn’t a performance piece. It might turn into something eventually

[2025/06/03, 5:53:12] James: But whenever you exert control over things.

[2025/06/03, 5:53:15] James: They turn to shit.

[2025/06/03, 5:53:21] James: And when you surrender to the fates.

[2025/06/03, 5:53:28] James: They turn out good.

[2025/06/03, 5:53:41] James: Maybe that’s because the fates were actually the part keeping the wheels on.

[2025/06/03, 5:53:50] James: And maybe that’s something you can use elsewhere now.

[2025/06/03, 5:53:51] James: Anyway

[2025/06/03, 5:53:55] James: One step at a time.

[2025/06/03, 5:54:05] James: Fuck any kind of pressure to output.

[2025/06/03, 7:27:17] James: So it’s like I have control of my impulsiveness now, almost.

[2025/06/03, 7:27:21] James: Like it’s still there

[2025/06/03, 7:27:25] James: A lion in a cage

[2025/06/03, 7:27:29] James: And I can turn the cage. And release.

[2025/06/03, 7:27:35] James: And keep it closed a little longer

[2025/06/03, 7:27:43] James: I can even… and I can’t believe it

[2025/06/03, 7:27:51] James: But I can even keep it closed forever. Quite effortlessly. Walk away.

[2025/06/03, 7:28:02] James: When I take 10 breaths now, it works

[2025/06/03, 7:28:55] James: Because time cells ticking and emotion dissipating due to newly-established dopamine continuity

[2025/06/03, 7:29:02] James: So now the lights are on constantly

[2025/06/03, 7:29:09] James: The intensity of the emotion is able to fade.

[2025/06/03, 7:29:18] James: It’s not like those 90s titties

[2025/06/03, 7:29:22] James: Nah that doesn’t carry.

[2025/06/03, 7:29:41] James: But it can fade. Because time. Cures all wounds.

[2025/06/03, 7:29:44] James: And now I have time.

[2025/06/03, 7:29:53] James: So wounds can cure.

[2025/06/03, 7:30:49] James: Anyway. Pretty fucking cool. I have all this discipline and shit from a lifetime of dragging myself around and all of a sudden, my legs work.

[2025/06/03, 7:45:43] James: …

[2025/06/03, 7:45:44] James: Fuck

[2025/06/03, 7:45:56] James: If you can get this to children in the early years

[2025/06/03, 7:46:03] James: When their RAM is growing.

[2025/06/03, 7:46:19] James: …

[2025/06/03, 7:46:29] James: The data will be reliable.

[2025/06/03, 7:46:41] James: The hardware will grow around the software.

[2025/06/03, 7:46:50] James: What the fuck James

[2025/06/03, 7:46:54] James: Too late for you.

[2025/06/03, 7:47:09] James: But man… if adhd is genetic and you can find a marker

[2025/06/03, 7:47:39] James: Then if some autism if downstream of adhd and caused by the dodgy data.

[2025/06/03, 7:47:49] James: Which all seems plausible

[2025/06/03, 7:48:09] James: Then you fix the data stream…

[2025/06/03, 7:48:10] James: Anyway

[2025/06/03, 7:48:22] James: Let’s see if it works for other adults first.

[2025/06/03, 7:50:19] James: …

[2025/06/03, 7:50:27] James: I can weigh my options before deciding.

[2025/06/03, 7:50:32] James: I remember to ask my wife.

[2025/06/03, 7:50:35] James: These things.

[2025/06/03, 7:50:38] James: All impossible.

[2025/06/03, 7:50:42] James: Now effortless.

[2025/06/03, 7:19:25] James: Why can’t people stay on topic?

[2025/06/03, 7:19:29] James: Fucking ridiculous

[2025/06/03, 7:19:35] James: They think they’re being logical

[2025/06/03, 7:19:57] James: While all they’re doing is saying ‘be quiet let me talk’ and I’m like ‘fucking talk then’ and ‘be quiet let me talk.

[2025/06/03, 7:20:16] James: You’re stuck in a fucking loop. You realise I feel the need to reply to these stupid comments?

[2025/06/03, 7:20:20] James: Just fucking talk.

[2025/06/03, 7:20:23] James: One process.

[2025/06/03, 7:20:25] James: Finish it.

[2025/06/03, 7:20:41] James: Stop throwing extra processes (comments) in from the side.

[2025/06/03, 7:20:47] James: It trashes both processes.

[2025/06/03, 7:20:50] James: Overloads me.

[2025/06/03, 7:20:53] James: And we fight.

[2025/06/03, 7:20:57] James: So FUCKING TALK

[2025/06/03, 7:21:00] James: If you want to talk

[2025/06/03, 7:21:12] James: And shut the fuck up if not because I have things to do.

[2025/06/03, 8:28:38] James: So these dumps are data.

[2025/06/03, 8:28:42] James: These are the experiment.

[2025/06/03, 8:28:51] James: The communication style. The unfiltered brain shart.

[2025/06/03, 8:28:59] James: Pea soup. Spurting out.

[2025/06/03, 8:29:07] James: Disgusting ha

[2025/06/03, 8:29:17] James: Anyway the whole point is transparency.

[2025/06/03, 8:29:22] James: You don’t like that, fuck you

[2025/06/03, 8:29:29] James: Don’t skew the data

[2025/06/03, 8:29:40] James: The data is the communication style; which is my thought style.

[2025/06/03, 8:29:53] James: And I know the conclusion already somehow. Or if I’m wrong … well that’s ok.

[2025/06/03, 8:30:03] James: But I think the changes have only just started.

[2025/06/03, 8:30:05] James: Compiling.

[2025/06/03, 8:30:10] James: Tick tick tick

[2025/06/03, 8:30:14] James: One process.

[2025/06/03, 8:30:16] James: Fast.

[2025/06/03, 8:30:18] James: Let’s see.

[2025/06/03, 8:33:37] James: ….

[2025/06/03, 8:33:42] James: I can no pause processes.

[2025/06/03, 8:34:09] James: ABCD …

GHI…

EF..

JKL..

[2025/06/03, 8:34:16] James: It’s easy.

[2025/06/03, 8:34:22] James: What is this?

[2025/06/03, 8:34:35] James: But I can pause the emotions from one task while doing another.

[2025/06/03, 8:34:37] James: That’s the key

[2025/06/03, 8:34:45] James: Previously I could pause a task, with effort.

[2025/06/03, 8:34:58] James: But not the emotion. It was volatile and unconnected and carried over.

[2025/06/03, 8:35:01] James: Now they both pause.

[2025/06/03, 8:35:27] James: I’m fighting someone on Amazon who tried to take me for a ride. I don’t care about the cash but I fucking HATE scammers.

[2025/06/03, 8:35:31] James: Hate them

[2025/06/03, 8:35:32] James: So much.

[2025/06/03, 8:36:06] James: Anyway the process is on pause. They told me to escalate to Amazon so I am using my contacts to go right to the top. To teach them a lesson.

[2025/06/03, 8:36:41] James: So the fighty part of me is like ‘bring it roaaarw’ and I’m all fighty and u send out the email and turn around and my kid is there and it’s gone..

[2025/06/03, 8:36:43] James: Just gone.

[2025/06/03, 8:37:17] James: Maybe this could become a superpower if medicated.

[2025/06/03, 8:37:20] James: Like …

[2025/06/03, 8:37:25] James: Single process.

[2025/06/03, 8:37:41] James: So maybe I will become even better at living in the moment than ‘normal’ people.

[2025/06/03, 8:37:56] James: Not caring here btw just extrapolating.

[2025/06/03, 8:38:15] James: But if I can only process one thing then that means I don’t bear grudges.

[2025/06/03, 8:38:16] James: Never did

[2025/06/03, 8:38:22] James: Just all-encompassing anger.

[2025/06/03, 8:38:34] James: Now; maybe it’s like a good version of that.

[2025/06/03, 8:38:42] James: Maybe I feel what I used to pretend to feel.

[2025/06/03, 8:48:05] James: .

[2025/06/03, 8:48:06] James: Wow

[2025/06/03, 8:48:10] James: This is all on the internet

[2025/06/03, 8:48:21] James: I’m updating in near real time.

[2025/06/03, 8:48:28] James: And as long as I don’t look at the process

[2025/06/03, 8:48:34] James: I don’t care.

[2025/06/03, 8:48:54] James: No comments section, no replies, no problem. For me.

[2025/06/03, 8:49:16] James: Usually RSD would be knitting my stomach saying ‘fucking spelling errors or fucking argh what will they think’

[2025/06/03, 8:49:19] James: And now I’m like

[2025/06/03, 8:49:58] James: Objectively speaking this is data and I work with technologists and scientists and I have decided to try to get this drug approved for ADHD use globally because I think it might literally change the world so your embarrassment is not important

[2025/06/03, 8:50:07] James: But then I realise I’m not embarrassed anyway.

[2025/06/03, 8:50:14] James: Where previously I would have been crippled.

[2025/06/03, 8:50:17] James: And it’s like

[2025/06/03, 8:50:18] James: Fuck

[2025/06/03, 8:50:21] James: This drug

[2025/06/03, 8:51:28] James: Oop!

[2025/06/03, 8:51:36] James: Maybe a little left after all.

[2025/06/03, 8:52:01] James: But gone in 5 seconds of rubbing this meteorite I bought as an autistic stim

[2025/06/03, 8:52:05] James: Crash course that shit.

[2025/06/03, 8:52:29] James: You can find any emotion on this 4.5bn year old lump of iron though. And it’s heavy. Beats a phone.

[2025/06/03, 8:52:35] James: Can’t type tho.

[2025/06/03, 8:55:03] James: You also don’t feel roped into this. You can stop. Walk away. Because no RSD. It would be a little bit of an effort but not crazy. Maybe stopping a project is task initiation for me? Maybe the task switch is itself a task. Inception!

[2025/06/03, 8:55:23] James: Anyway the point is that before I would feel roped into showing all these people my psyche until…

[2025/06/03, 8:55:33] James: The end…? Of the project?

[2025/06/03, 8:55:59] James: I just don’t mind much any more. And the meds are still building. I might be wrong. I doubt it more and more. We will soon know.

[2025/06/03, 8:56:08] James: One more sample is all I need.

[2025/06/03, 8:56:14] James: And then I go.

[2025/06/03, 9:04:18] James: This is fucking insane.

[2025/06/03, 9:04:22] James: My whole life…

[2025/06/03, 9:04:30] James: Tell me this works for other people.

[2025/06/03, 9:04:36] James: Please. Oh fuck. That would be.

[2025/06/03, 9:04:43] James: I can’t imagine the knock on effects.

[2025/06/03, 9:04:44] James: One

[2025/06/03, 9:04:46] James: More

[2025/06/03, 9:04:50] James: Sample

[2025/06/03, 9:05:00] James: (That’s the same of course I don’t want a negative)

[2025/06/03, 9:05:25] James: But even with a negative, for MY presentation this is a new life. It will be for others. So it’s a choice between good and better.

[2025/06/03, 9:47:43] James: Anyway. Best I stop for a few days.

[2025/06/03, 9:48:34] James: Don’t want the dopamine system to latch onto this fucking social media thing again

[2025/06/03, 9:48:41] James: Become some kinda content whore.

[2025/06/03, 9:49:06] James: Pick it up in a day or two so I stay the course. New dose dopaminergic effect in  play.

[2025/06/03, 9:54:04] James: Make some knives

[2025/06/03, 9:54:07] James: Process

[2025/06/03, 10:15:01] James: One last thing.

[2025/06/03, 10:15:43] James: Aripiprazole is used for autistic aggression in kids who can’t communicate their experience. It’s from a time when the science sucked.

[2025/06/03, 10:16:14] James: I think it addresses the comorbid ADHD more than autistic sensory issues. But it addresses both.

[2025/06/03, 10:16:54] James: It just makes me more functional in every way. No fluctuation. I feel real. Constant.

[2025/06/03, 10:17:12] James: I’ll likely use tech and Buddhist language for this because that’s what fits. See you when I see you.

[2025/06/03, 18:05:03] James: Time cells. I keep coming back to time cells.

[2025/06/03, 18:33:29] James: For some reason I think they are the key to all of this.

[2025/06/03, 18:33:43] James: Time cells and dopamine regularity (not amount)

[2025/06/03, 18:33:50] James: I think the power goes out

[2025/06/03, 18:33:54] James: The record skips.

[2025/06/03, 18:34:13] James: And that’s what causes the disconnect between emotion and thought?

[2025/06/03, 18:34:20] James: Inappropriate emotional responses.

[2025/06/03, 18:34:25] James: So you’re there.

[2025/06/03, 18:34:29] James: Thoughts are in words.

[2025/06/03, 18:34:32] James: Stringing along.

[2025/06/03, 18:34:46] James: They aren’t reliant on the clock. They are a string. Like my brain processes.

[2025/06/03, 18:34:51] James: Holding so far.

[2025/06/03, 18:35:02] James: ABCD doesn’t matter on timing.

[2025/06/03, 18:35:16] James: So then emotions are the hormones.

[2025/06/03, 18:35:23] James: Neurotransmitters whatever

[2025/06/03, 18:35:31] James: Soup

[2025/06/03, 18:35:38] James: The soup relies on the clock.

[2025/06/03, 18:35:48] James: Because it’s shot out of guns every 4 seconds

[2025/06/03, 18:35:56] James: To keep the soup the right composition

[2025/06/03, 18:36:01] James: But your clock misses a beat

[2025/06/03, 18:36:07] James: 3 second. Reset.

[2025/06/03, 18:36:28] James: You look around.

[2025/06/03, 18:36:38] James: What are the expressions on the faces in the moment?

[2025/06/03, 18:36:42] James: Mid-sentence.

[2025/06/03, 18:36:46] James: Are they angry?

[2025/06/03, 18:37:01] James: Farting

[2025/06/03, 18:37:56] James: In all seriousness a fart face would look quite intimidating to brain that’s just reset.

[2025/06/03, 18:38:27] James: Neurotransmitters are release according to the new image (fart/fear)

[2025/06/03, 18:38:35] James: While thoughts go on with love

[2025/06/03, 18:38:40] James: You think ‘what the fuck’

[2025/06/03, 18:38:49] James: On some level. Unconscious.

[2025/06/03, 18:38:55] James: Too fast. Every moment it happens.

[2025/06/03, 18:39:14] James: Every moment. I felt it in the meditation retreat b

[2025/06/03, 18:39:31] James: Thought everyone was like that I guess

[2025/06/03, 18:40:04] James: Before adhd

[2025/06/03, 18:40:10] James: So

[2025/06/03, 18:40:56] James: Fuckers made fruit gums soft

[2025/06/03, 18:40:59] James: Sent them a complaint

[2025/06/03, 18:41:01] James: Anyway

[2025/06/03, 18:41:39] James: Soups fucked. Thoughts not. But next one comes in fast. Too fast to register. In the PFC. But it registers in the amygdala.

[2025/06/03, 18:41:41] James: Yeah

[2025/06/03, 18:41:49] James: Fear

[2025/06/03, 18:41:51] James: RSD

[2025/06/03, 18:42:03] James: Self loathing for inapporate emotions.

[2025/06/03, 18:42:15] James: All because your clock is fucked

[2025/06/03, 18:42:41] James: Because the flow of dopamine drops to 0 instead of staying at 10

[2025/06/03, 18:43:00] James: Feels like a decent thread to follow

[2025/06/03, 18:43:31] James: All of it fixed I think by this med. but let’s see on that front. For now RSD is done with and I’m being fucking rude to people n

[2025/06/03, 18:43:49] James: I don’t want to be but I learned to ride a bicycle and now I’m on a hog

[2025/06/03, 18:43:57] James: But

[2025/06/03, 18:44:13] James: Swearing already down to normal kind of level and dropping effortlessly.

[2025/06/04, 2:18:01] James: /////

[2025/06/04, 2:18:04] James: Fuuuuuuuuuck

[2025/06/04, 2:18:08] James: Faaaaaaaaaaaack

[2025/06/04, 2:18:14] James: Deep breaths man.

[2025/06/04, 2:18:16] James: Ok.

[2025/06/04, 2:18:20] James: Email sent

[2025/06/04, 2:18:23] James: Whew

[2025/06/04, 2:18:26] James: Dragon.

[2025/06/04, 2:18:33] James: Slayed.

[2025/06/04, 2:18:34] James: Wow

[2025/06/04, 2:18:38] James: Fuck me.

[2025/06/04, 2:19:22] James: Ok

[2025/06/04, 2:19:24] James: Wow.

[2025/06/04, 2:19:25] James: That was

[2025/06/04, 2:19:30] James: Exasperation

[2025/06/04, 2:19:41] James: Dialled to 300

[2025/06/04, 2:19:47] James: Because of the processing

[2025/06/04, 2:19:51] James: From this drug

[2025/06/04, 2:19:53] James: I think

[2025/06/04, 2:19:54] James: Wow

[2025/06/04, 2:20:07] James: Calming down but HR hit 180.

[2025/06/04, 2:20:44] James: Doesn’t sound good I know but I think what is happening is this fucking processing and I think something was in the way and I needed to get it out of the way and now that I am verbalising this it’s all kind of coming out

[2025/06/04, 2:20:59] James: Wow this is weird and FUCK I need to talk to them

[2025/06/04, 2:21:06] James: Anyway

[2025/06/04, 2:21:11] James: Whew

[2025/06/04, 2:21:14] James: Use the adrenaline

[2025/06/04, 2:21:17] James: Use the fear

[2025/06/04, 2:21:23] James: This is what I did my entire life

[2025/06/04, 2:21:34] James: But it is cranked up right now.

[2025/06/04, 2:21:36] James: Fuck me.

[2025/06/04, 2:21:39] James: 2am on the dot.

[2025/06/04, 2:21:44] James: Sweaty palms.

[2025/06/04, 2:21:48] James: There’s the tiger.

[2025/06/04, 2:22:12] James: And I have the solution. The email address I saw yesterday. And I can’t go back to sleep until it’s done

[2025/06/04, 2:22:34] James: I’m gonna fucking stover this email like the olden days because I’m FUCKING sick of it and I Just don’t care any more

[2025/06/04, 2:22:49] James: I shared this with my entire fucking precessional network it took me 10 years to build

[2025/06/04, 2:22:58] James: And it sank like a stone

[2025/06/04, 2:23:00] James: Fucking shit

[2025/06/04, 2:23:04] James: Is getting

[2025/06/04, 2:23:05] James: Real

[2025/06/04, 2:23:06] James: And I

[2025/06/04, 2:23:09] James: Am fucking

[2025/06/04, 2:23:14] James: Headhunter

[2025/06/04, 2:23:18] James: To the power

[2025/06/04, 2:23:22] James: Nine

[2025/06/04, 2:23:24] James: Fucking

[2025/06/04, 2:23:26] James: Million

[2025/06/04, 2:23:33] James: And i feel great

[2025/06/04, 2:23:36] James: But this is weird

[2025/06/04, 2:23:40] James: But it will pass

[2025/06/04, 2:23:45] James: And this is not mania

[2025/06/04, 2:23:49] James: This is day 2

[2025/06/04, 2:23:53] James: And day 2 is weird

[2025/06/04, 2:23:56] James: And if it’s the same

[2025/06/04, 2:24:05] James: Then day 4

[2025/06/04, 2:24:11] James: I will be the calmest man

[2025/06/04, 2:24:16] James: In the world

[2025/06/04, 2:24:22] James: So talk to me James; alex

[2025/06/04, 2:24:27] James: I’ve got a fucking cure.

[2025/06/04, 2:24:29] James: It’s there

[2025/06/04, 2:24:32] James: Generic drug

[2025/06/04, 2:24:38] James: It’s there

[2025/06/04, 2:24:41] James: Crazy

[2025/06/04, 2:29:28] James: Ok I’m calm not but still some adrenaline. Because my adhd was only dialled down 4 months ago and killed (yes) a week or so ago; my autistic feelings of stuff are quite new

[2025/06/04, 2:29:41] James: And I have extra dopamine right now. Come on

[2025/06/04, 2:29:56] James: You know extra dopamine would have you gurning for a while

[2025/06/04, 2:29:59] James: Sweaty palms

[2025/06/04, 2:30:02] James: It’ll pass

[2025/06/04, 2:30:12] James: And it will be stable at a new; higher baseline after that

[2025/06/04, 2:30:16] James: And more importantly

[2025/06/04, 2:30:20] James: It will not drop out

[2025/06/04, 2:30:26] James: And if you guys would just talk to me

[2025/06/04, 2:30:34] James: You would see how incredibly calm I am

[2025/06/04, 2:31:01] James: But my motivation is all over the show because of the drug and that is more evidence to me and my life has shown me how to get things done

[2025/06/04, 2:32:01] James: So here I am

[2025/06/04, 2:32:11] James: Messaging myself from phone to limit output speed

[2025/06/04, 2:32:22] James: And then updating to site

[2025/06/04, 2:32:28] James: If this doesn’t work I will find another way

[2025/06/04, 2:32:52] James: If you guys don’t listen (and I really think you want to) then I will find others

[2025/06/04, 2:32:58] James: I don’t particularly WANT

[2025/06/04, 2:33:01] James: To talk to you

[2025/06/04, 2:33:48] James: You fuckers I found that cure you want

[2025/06/04, 2:33:59] James: The one everyone says is impossible

[2025/06/04, 2:34:15] James: it’s a fucking generic fucking drug sat in the fucking drawer at any pharmacy

[2025/06/04, 2:34:24] James: And it’s permanent. Your brain fuxes shit while you sleep

[2025/06/04, 2:34:27] James: I fucking swear

[2025/06/04, 2:34:38] James: I have really light, but really broad, knowledge

[2025/06/04, 2:34:45] James: fuck the self questioning

[2025/06/04, 2:34:51] James: That happens another day

[2025/06/04, 2:35:15] James: I have a LOT of disparate knowledge and I am autistic and I have no fucking idea that ADHd is untreatable and I ask alex for a fucking job description

[2025/06/04, 2:35:21] James: I retired in 3 fucking years guys

[2025/06/04, 2:35:28] James: I fucking was the best fucing recruiter in tokyo

[2025/06/04, 2:35:33] James: You read my fucing profile

[2025/06/04, 2:35:38] James: My life may have been a lie

[2025/06/04, 2:35:41] James: My skills are not

[2025/06/04, 2:35:45] James: you fucking listen

[2025/06/04, 2:35:47] James: I will do this

[2025/06/04, 2:35:58] James: I will fucking RIP this SHIT APART

[2025/06/04, 2:36:02] James: And I am stoked

[2025/06/04, 2:36:06] James: And it is not mania

[2025/06/04, 2:36:13] James: And you will help me

[2025/06/04, 2:36:22] James: Because I am goin g to fix this fucking problem

[2025/06/04, 2:36:35] James: And I am going to outsource parts of it to people like you

[2025/06/04, 2:36:40] James: I am a fucking vanguard mate

[2025/06/04, 2:36:47] James: It is literally what my life showed me

[2025/06/04, 2:36:49] James: I will FUCKING

[2025/06/04, 2:36:51] James: KILL

[2025/06/04, 2:36:56] James: anyone who gets in my way

[2025/06/04, 2:37:03] James: figuratively for FUCKS sake

[2025/06/04, 2:37:05] James: FUCK

[2025/06/04, 2:37:09] James: WE CAN CURE THIS

[2025/06/04, 2:37:16] James: EVERY SECOND COUNTS

[2025/06/04, 2:37:18] James: EMAIL ME

[2025/06/04, 2:38:34] James: Anyway shower. Somehow I am now at my computer no longer filtered by message speed and getting a bit firey. I’m serious though guys; I learned to harness my ADHD and I think those rules are currently exporting. It sounds weird as shit. I need a sanity check. ha.

[2025/06/04, 2:45:29] James: Yeah that was like an MDMA come up

[2025/06/04, 2:45:33] James: Almost exactly like one.

[2025/06/04, 2:45:46] James: The gurning. Palms. Etc. but I’m calm all of the time.

[2025/06/04, 2:46:00] James: So what I think after time to process (but not think)

[2025/06/04, 2:46:37] James: Is that I have no circadian rhythm. Sleep was exhaustion. It is no more. When asleep I am processing and old memories are indexing I think but fuck that

[2025/06/04, 2:46:39] James: For now

[2025/06/04, 2:46:48] James: Gurning. Palms. Wake up motivated.

[2025/06/04, 2:46:54] James: Usually very calm. Now very calm.

[2025/06/04, 2:47:06] James: But the 59 dopamine points I would usually have for this activity

[2025/06/04, 2:47:09] James: Are 79

[2025/06/04, 2:47:11] James: And the 0

[2025/06/04, 2:47:13] James: Is 20

[2025/06/04, 2:47:29] James: And I have replicated the data

[2025/06/04, 2:47:36] James: In myself once and my child once

[2025/06/04, 2:47:54] James: And you guys can now take this ball back from me

[2025/06/04, 2:47:57] James: And we can split it

[2025/06/04, 2:48:02] James: And run with it for a while

[2025/06/04, 2:48:06] James: And fucking save the world

[2025/06/04, 2:48:09] James: And this is not mania

[2025/06/04, 2:48:17] James: This is because somebody had to

[2025/06/04, 2:48:23] James: Somebody had to find it

[2025/06/04, 2:48:29] James: I can’t believe it was me

[2025/06/04, 2:48:32] James: But I do, now

[2025/06/04, 2:48:35] James: After 2 weeks

[2025/06/04, 2:48:46] James: Anyway looping now and I don’t do that any more. 

So

[2025/06/04, 2:48:57] James: Shower. Kill process. You have until tomorrow.

[2025/06/04, 3:06:04] James: I mean maybe

[2025/06/04, 3:06:14] James: These 2am wakings are right

[2025/06/04, 3:06:15] James: Not wrong

[2025/06/04, 3:06:29] James: Because kids. Processing. Maybe I even work best in the early morning.

[2025/06/04, 3:06:49] James: These are the kinds of things I’m trying to figure out. All these internalise hatreds.

[2025/06/04, 3:06:53] James: For table manners

[2025/06/04, 3:07:27] James: Anyway maybe my mind is finding a place to recover

[2025/06/04, 3:07:48] James: Feel fucking weird though. Not bad weird.

[2025/06/04, 3:08:17] James: This is about a day before emotions released last time and my mum said to stop. It was like someone flipped a switch shortly after that

[2025/06/04, 3:08:22] James: I think because of the plateau

[2025/06/04, 3:08:29] James: That’s what we lack

[2025/06/04, 3:08:32] James: We lack a plateau

[2025/06/04, 3:08:38] James: Plateaus are safety

[2025/06/04, 3:08:40] James: A refuge

[2025/06/04, 3:08:46] James: They’re your baseline.

[2025/06/04, 3:08:49] James: Where you return to

[2025/06/04, 3:08:53] James: We have none.

[2025/06/04, 3:08:59] James: We go all the way to the bottom

[2025/06/04, 3:09:53] James: So the ramping up isn’t particularly nice

[2025/06/04, 3:10:00] James: Or it’s like clubs as a kid

[2025/06/04, 3:10:08] James: Have you come up yet kinda feeling.

[2025/06/04, 3:10:12] James: Not one I personally enjoy

[2025/06/04, 3:10:18] James: But then once it stops. And you’re flat

[2025/06/04, 3:10:20] James: Oh god.

[2025/06/04, 3:10:23] James: The relief

[2025/06/03, 14:57:26] James: So I could feel dopamine.

[2025/06/03, 14:57:34] James: Won’t be able to for long I think.

[2025/06/03, 15:19:23] James: So jotting it now

[2025/06/03, 15:19:31] James: Even I don’t believe myself

[2025/06/03, 15:19:34] James: But I could

[2025/06/03, 15:19:42] James: And this is how I figured out that this would be the med for me

[2025/06/03, 15:19:59] James: Thanks to a pointer from Alex Conner about dopamine flushing

[2025/06/03, 15:20:04] James: (Hypothesis)

[2025/06/03, 15:20:10] James: And yeah I could feel it.

[2025/06/03, 15:20:21] James: My motivation was a pull from the cheekbones

[2025/06/03, 15:20:25] James: Inexorable.

[2025/06/03, 15:20:52] James: I would finish a project that took a month and the second I looked up from it, the blood went from my face.

[2025/06/03, 15:20:56] James: Like an oil lamp

[2025/06/03, 15:21:09] James: Draining down from the cheekbones

[2025/06/03, 15:21:16] James: Sounds weird but I’ve done a lot of vipassana.

[2025/06/03, 15:21:25] James: Might be something to it.

[2025/06/03, 15:21:39] James: I could feel the flush (after u focused on it) even when I looked up from a task.

[2025/06/03, 15:21:46] James: Like art. I look up from cutting. Flush.

[2025/06/03, 15:21:55] James: Sometimes don’t even look up.

[2025/06/03, 15:22:18] James: Anyway this just felt right. I don’t know the science of it. But you gotta straddle AI and Buddhism in this day and age.

[2025/06/04, 3:14:32] James: anyway

[2025/06/04, 3:14:40] James: I think I can go now.

[2025/06/04, 3:14:48] James: I have built my data pipeline, in a way

[2025/06/04, 3:14:53] James: Shoddy but not as shoddy as usual

[2025/06/04, 3:15:08] James: I’ve reduced noise sources. Tried to fix some relationships but it’s a bit too early.

[2025/06/04, 3:15:22] James: The dust needs to settle and I need to know myself a little more

[2025/06/04, 3:15:41] James: My wife … I wouldn’t be here without her.

[2025/06/04, 3:15:46] James: And I love her dearly

[2025/06/04, 3:15:59] James: And she needs a break

[2025/06/04, 3:16:23] James: I’ll detail the last year in another message and I’m writing to a wider audience for once here (I usually don’t because I don’t give a fuck really)

[2025/06/04, 3:16:33] James: Anyway. She’s great.

[2025/06/04, 3:16:39] James: I don’t know why she married me.

[2025/06/04, 3:16:49] James: I would probably have died many times over if she hadn’t.

[2025/06/04, 3:16:55] James: And she’s so fucking great

[2025/06/04, 3:17:11] James: That she’s had the mental flexibility (being facetious here)

[2025/06/04, 3:17:36] James: To try to understand neurodivergence (not facetious here)

[2025/06/04, 3:17:41] James: When I don’t understand it myself

[2025/06/04, 3:17:49] James: And she’s let me have the space to run a single process

[2025/06/04, 3:17:57] James: And I think how it will go is ….

[2025/06/04, 3:18:35] James: Wake, output, school run, output, knives, output. I don’t think there’ll be any art until this is done. This is the art

[2025/06/04, 3:18:47] James: I don’t really care

[2025/06/04, 3:18:52] James: It’s really quite remarkable

[2025/06/04, 3:19:04] James: But I don’t really care what random strangers think

[2025/06/04, 3:19:10] James: At all

[2025/06/04, 3:19:19] James: So I’m going to share everything here

[2025/06/04, 3:19:25] James: The person I was is dead.

[2025/06/04, 3:19:32] James: Permanently, so long as I have this med

[2025/06/04, 3:19:37] James: I am confident of that now

[2025/06/04, 3:20:00] James: I had a fever and it has broken but I need to pass on the antibodies before they leave their system.

[2025/06/04, 3:20:15] James: I think in metaphor and analogy.

[2025/06/04, 3:20:17] James: Always have.

[2025/06/04, 3:20:34] James: This all loops back to the conversation that sticks it all up

[2025/06/04, 3:20:40] James: You can’t know inside someone else’s mind

[2025/06/04, 3:20:46] James: Well maybe you cal, a bit

[2025/06/04, 3:21:04] James: And maybe I’m not quite that weird. Because I function fuckin well guys. You know I did.

[2025/06/04, 3:21:09] James: The problems were when I stopped

[2025/06/04, 3:21:33] James: And maybe our whole fucking world (and I’m not exaggerating) is being ruined by the inability of a few people to stop.

[2025/06/04, 3:21:38] James: Monotropic thinking

[2025/06/04, 3:21:41] James: But really

[2025/06/04, 3:21:54] James: If people could stop. Fill the ADHD void permanently

[2025/06/04, 3:22:15] James: Maybe we could meet emissions targets or whatever.

[2025/06/04, 3:22:16] James: Anyway

[2025/06/04, 3:22:18] James: For now

[2025/06/04, 3:22:19] James: Data

[2025/06/04, 3:22:20] James: Raw

[2025/06/04, 3:22:28] James: Data: scrubbed through messaging

[2025/06/04, 3:22:37] James: Language: technology and Buddhism

[2025/06/04, 3:22:46] James: Time to completion unknown

[2025/06/04, 3:23:53] James: Starting with the hypothesis that the entire fucking lexicon I learned for psychology is wrong

[2025/06/04, 3:23:58] James: Jung style.

[2025/06/04, 3:24:03] James: Because it didn’t fucking fit me.

[2025/06/04, 3:24:11] James: I have no idea what will come out

[2025/06/04, 3:24:14] James: If anything!!

[2025/06/04, 3:24:28] James: But I’m gonna sharpen some knives instead of trying to go back to sleep

[2025/06/04, 3:24:44] James: A regular routine and my inability to maintain one caused a lot of self esteem issues over the years

[2025/06/04, 3:24:45] James: So…

[2025/06/04, 3:24:48] James: I won’t

[2025/06/04, 4:02:50] James: Sharpening knives while the sun rises. What a lovely way to start the day. And totally impossible until these meds.

[2025/06/04, 4:08:00] James: Am I an empath though. Or just hyper vigilant for disapproval?

[2025/06/04, 4:08:19] James: Probably the latter? Maybe. Pre thought?

[2025/06/04, 4:08:38] James: See the disapproval and feel RSD.

[2025/06/04, 4:08:41] James: Oh FUCK

[2025/06/04, 4:08:44] James: That’s it

[2025/06/04, 4:08:50] James: So I’m there

[2025/06/04, 4:08:53] James: Wait

[2025/06/04, 4:09:02] James: There walking along and I glance up

[2025/06/04, 4:09:26] James: Now only occasionally and usually with attractive people (of some description not always physical)

[2025/06/04, 4:09:34] James: Nahway whatever

[2025/06/04, 4:09:38] James: This is big

[2025/06/04, 4:09:38] James: Err

[2025/06/04, 4:09:40] James: Fuck

[2025/06/04, 4:09:41] James: Ha

[2025/06/04, 4:09:42] James: Err

[2025/06/04, 4:09:49] James: Look up

[2025/06/04, 4:09:52] James: Meet eyes

[2025/06/04, 4:10:00] James: Dopamine flush at that instant randomly

[2025/06/04, 4:10:21] James: Sudden RSD from the amygdala pre-thought.

[2025/06/04, 4:10:22] James: Fuck

[2025/06/04, 4:10:24] James: That fits

[2025/06/04, 4:10:35] James: That feels right.

[2025/06/04, 4:12:27] James: Seems like through having these documents open I have a receptacle growing for various topics which enables me to multi thread

[2025/06/04, 4:12:35] James: This is how I recruited

[2025/06/04, 4:13:08] James: Just email threads. That’s all. Conversation view. No wonder I hated it. My brain is one thread, not conversation.

[2025/06/04, 4:13:35] James: Never sure where to put these pieces though so will just stick them at the top of whatever big dump curls its way out.

[2025/06/04, 4:14:41] James: Haha

[2025/06/04, 4:15:05] James: After that little spat where I was told how many people I’d offend if I even jokingly said I’d solved ADHD

[2025/06/04, 4:15:10] James: Well…

[2025/06/04, 4:15:23] James: It’s been 2 weeks now…

[2025/06/04, 4:15:39] James: Don’t get ahead of yourself James. But fuck if you haven’t solved yours.

[2025/06/04, 4:17:03] James: Not sure my wife realises how big a deal it is for me to have space to process. And she thinks this is for her!

[2025/06/04, 4:17:04] James: And now!

[2025/06/04, 4:17:09] James: Because if no RSD!

[2025/06/04, 4:17:21] James: I can see that it’s best for everyone and we all win.

[2025/06/04, 4:17:24] James: Fucking dopamine man

[2025/06/04, 4:17:29] James: It’s oil in the gears.

[2025/06/04, 4:17:44] James: And fuck if it doesn’t feel good

[2025/06/04, 4:19:49] James: Doctor said this med helps kids develop more self respect

[2025/06/04, 4:19:54] James: No fuck doc

[2025/06/04, 4:19:57] James: Wanna know why?

[2025/06/04, 4:20:02] James: It gives them a self

[2025/06/04, 4:20:09] James: By giving them a clock

[2025/06/04, 4:20:14] James: By giving them stable dopamine

[2025/06/04, 4:20:20] James: I really think it’s that simple

[2025/06/04, 4:21:11] James: And I increasingly thing that a lot of autism (of my flavour) could be prevented through running different software.

[2025/06/04, 4:23:16] James: Maybe creativity is something to do with this single thread processing.

[2025/06/04, 4:23:31] James: You take a ball and run like a fucker and make something nobody else would ever make

[2025/06/04, 4:23:42] James: Because you’re running with your eyes closed

[2025/06/04, 4:23:42] James: Haha

[2025/06/04, 4:23:50] James: Into a wall usually

[2025/06/04, 4:23:56] James: Knives!

[2025/06/04, 4:24:12] James: I’m happy to be removing even more structure

[2025/06/04, 4:24:24] James: I think this data stream can be tweaked while mum is here.

[2025/06/04, 4:24:43] James: Funnelled through the furious speed of my fingers on this shitty thing

[2025/06/04, 4:24:52] James: Forced through

[2025/06/04, 4:24:56] James: Argh the world is so slow

[2025/06/04, 4:25:17] James: Or was. Now I can slow down. But my fingers and mouth… slow.

[2025/06/04, 4:25:35] James: Anyway I need to find a structure which has minimal resistance

[2025/06/04, 4:25:44] James: While also maintaining maximal clarity

[2025/06/04, 4:25:49] James: And I think this is a good balance

[2025/06/04, 4:26:25] James: To keep the feed from jamming I just need to put these little dumpettes at the top of the dumps though in reality this one seems to have turned into a full dump

[2025/06/04, 4:26:44] James: The priority is to get the process nailed so you just kinda click go and then all your processing power is there

[2025/06/04, 4:26:51] James: No more steering you’re a train

[2025/06/04, 4:26:55] James: No grammar no control.

[2025/06/04, 4:27:08] James: Karl Jung; here I come.

[2025/06/04, 4:28:57] James: They say: do the work

[2025/06/04, 4:28:59] James: I say:

[2025/06/04, 4:29:04] James: Build a fucking process first

[2025/06/04, 4:29:13] James: Make sure your process applies to all situations.

[2025/06/04, 4:29:16] James: Apply process

[2025/06/04, 4:29:31] James: You learn to optimise when you only have 8mb of ram

[2025/06/04, 4:29:54] James: And fuck I have so much backed up I can feel it pushing up my back. And once it’s gone it’s gone.

[2025/06/04, 4:44:57] James: Ha. Dopamine surge. Buttery joints, like Mohammed Ali, then buzzed; on LinkedIn telling people to fuck off, and back to knives. It’s weird. Wired but calm is the way some have described it

[2025/06/04, 4:45:02] James: Because I’m not the first to try this

[2025/06/04, 4:45:11] James: But people sat and basked in the glow

[2025/06/04, 4:45:14] James: And the glow faded

[2025/06/04, 4:45:18] James: And they forgot to share

[2025/06/04, 4:45:24] James: And that is why the world is darker

[2025/06/04, 4:45:28] James: Because of inaction

[2025/06/04, 4:45:31] James: And I can act

[2025/06/04, 4:45:40] James: And now the ball is rolling, there’s no pressure

[2025/06/04, 4:45:43] James: Onto enthusiasm

[2025/06/04, 4:45:48] James: It will gather steam

[2025/06/04, 4:46:07] James: I know I can keep it in check easily now though with this med

[2025/06/04, 4:46:09] James: Easily

[2025/06/04, 4:46:14] James: Wednesday

[2025/06/04, 4:46:26] James: That’s fight day

[2025/06/04, 4:46:29] James: Every other day?

[2025/06/04, 4:46:35] James: Not fight day.

[2025/06/04, 4:46:44] James: Simple

[2025/06/04, 4:46:48] James: Like a normal person

[2025/06/04, 4:46:51] James: It seems so easy

[2025/06/04, 4:46:57] James: Why couldn’t I always do this?

[2025/06/04, 4:47:09] James: I already feel like I could do it even if I stopped taking the medicine

[2025/06/04, 4:47:14] James: But I couldn’t.

[2025/06/04, 4:47:21] James: And that’s why I needed to get the ball rolling

[2025/06/04, 4:47:26] James: Apprehension or none

[2025/06/04, 4:47:30] James: Because task initiation

[2025/06/04, 4:47:39] James: Once the task is initiated, the rails are there.

[2025/06/04, 4:47:48] James: Once the rails are there; the timing is irrelevant.

[2025/06/04, 4:47:56] James: ABCDEFG and done when it’s done.

[2025/06/04, 4:48:06] James: Final output of the first half of life. The misery.

[2025/06/04, 4:48:15] James: Hopefully through doing this I can help other people.

[2025/06/04, 4:48:20] James: Oh my god that would be amazing.

[2025/06/04, 4:48:39] James: The hairs on my entire body are standing up in anticipation if I can help just ONE this much.

[2025/06/04, 4:48:43] James: Weird dopamine with upped meds

[2025/06/04, 4:49:12] James: But this is real and I’m feeling an APPROPRIATE emotional response

[2025/06/04, 4:49:17] James: It’s just never happened before

[2025/06/04, 4:49:26] James: So it feels inappropriate haha

[2025/06/04, 4:49:33] James: Oh what a ball of yarn

[2025/06/04, 4:49:41] James: So many rules.

[2025/06/04, 4:50:09] James: I could feel them. Tangled in my brain. Vibrating against each other. As I rode my bike harder and harder and just …

[2025/06/04, 4:50:11] James: Oh god

[2025/06/04, 4:50:21] James: Looking back now. With Abilify

[2025/06/04, 4:50:46] James: Well the ball is now easily unravelling. Kind of… effortlessly.

[2025/06/04, 4:50:58] James: All the work might already have been done; but the processing was backed up

[2025/06/04, 4:51:03] James: Delayed processing

[2025/06/04, 4:51:05] James: Autism

[2025/06/04, 4:51:07] James: ADHD

[2025/06/04, 4:51:09] James: It holds

[2025/06/04, 4:51:18] James: The subjective experience is hard to find

[2025/06/04, 4:51:31] James: You hear people after and before but never during

[2025/06/04, 4:51:34] James: Not something this personal

[2025/06/04, 4:51:36] James: Because balls

[2025/06/04, 4:51:45] James: I think I have balls

[2025/06/04, 4:51:47] James: So fuck it

[2025/06/04, 4:51:52] James: This is what I can do.

[2025/06/04, 4:52:05] James: And now I have an excuse to tell people to fuck off while I talk to myself ha

[2025/06/04, 4:52:14] James: I won’t. That’s rude. But I do.

[2025/06/04, 4:52:32] James: Feels like life is about to get good for the first time ever

[2025/06/04, 4:52:40] James: Darkest before the dawn yadda yadda

[2025/06/04, 4:53:04] James: But other that’s true

[2025/06/04, 4:53:20] James: Or this is some kind of fucking red dwarf simulation of life or something. The matrix

[2025/06/04, 4:53:51] James: It doesn’t really change what’s gonna happen. And feeling like that has been here your whole life. So let’s just see what happens.

[2025/06/04, 4:54:06] James: Maybe some people have Jung and some have Freud.

[2025/06/04, 4:54:19] James: Closest for me was Buddhism. Pain and fragmentation and science.

[2025/06/04, 4:54:39] James: But we have new tech and new language and maybe it’s worth looking at a different brain.

[2025/06/04, 4:54:42] James: My brain

[2025/06/04, 4:54:48] James: And that’s weird as someone with…

[2025/06/04, 4:54:50] James: Actually

[2025/06/04, 4:55:02] James: Someone who used to have low self esteem and is now flooded with it.

[2025/06/04, 4:55:10] James: I think this brain is worth studying.

[2025/06/04, 4:55:13] James: Intact.

[2025/06/04, 4:55:21] James: So that’s what I’ll do for a few weeks guys.

[2025/06/04, 4:55:28] James: And if you don’t like it

[2025/06/04, 4:55:31] James: Well

[2025/06/04, 4:55:35] James: Fuck you :-D

[2025/06/04, 6:10:46] James: Dopamine

[2025/06/04, 6:12:10] James: Yeah so I can feel the bottom now. I can feel the buffer that aripiprazole (dumb name) provides. I see bad, volume drops, but stops at 10 instead of going to 0. Now the meds are increasing I can actually feel it’s a bit higher. You don’t believe me. I’ll stick to science but the subjective experience is data too

[2025/06/04, 5:22:18] James: 620 yen a month.

[2025/06/04, 5:22:27] James: 0 for kids

[2025/06/04, 5:22:31] James: Life in a pill

[2025/06/04, 5:24:39] James: Man I’m terrified of ever losing this medicine

[2025/06/04, 5:24:43] James: Logically terrified

[2025/06/04, 5:24:51] James: Because it removes the instinctual terror

[2025/06/04, 5:25:00] James: So I’m terrified of terror

[2025/06/04, 5:25:10] James: Which actually sounds more reasonable now I’ve processed it.

[2025/06/04, 5:25:18] James: Thanks, self!

[2025/06/04, 5:27:31] James: Mmmm

[2025/06/04, 5:28:04] James: Taking delivery of 8 natural whetstones soon. They’ll be nice for this extended meditation. Decompression. Compiling. Whatever.

[2025/06/04, 5:28:17] James: The smell. The feel. The sound. The smell. The taste, almost.

[2025/06/04, 5:28:38] James: The texture, felt through the silky covering of the blade.

[2025/06/04, 5:28:42] James: Fucking autistic man

[2025/06/04, 5:28:48] James: So fucking autistic haha

[2025/06/04, 5:28:54] James: Oh but it’s so niiiiiice

[2025/06/04, 5:29:30] James: Hnnnnnggggg the tension just rolls up and out of your shoulders and is gone. Into the blade. And into something of beauty.

[2025/06/04, 5:29:42] James: Fuck off Sheffield working class upbringing.

[2025/06/04, 5:29:48] James: I should have been born here in Japan

[2025/06/04, 5:29:59] James: But the thing is…

[2025/06/04, 5:30:08] James: The Japanese people don’t appreciate japan like I do.

[2025/06/04, 5:30:33] James: And the ‘normal people’ (see disclaimer if you must) will not feel this either.

[2025/06/04, 5:30:41] James: They have never known pain.

[2025/06/04, 5:30:45] James: But they think they have.

[2025/06/04, 5:30:55] James: And compared to someone else, I will never have known pain

[2025/06/04, 5:30:59] James: It’s not a competition

[2025/06/04, 5:31:04] James: It’s about ending pain

[2025/06/04, 5:31:18] James: So how to explain that.

[2025/06/04, 5:31:42] James: I can see the beauty of the world where other people maybe just see normality. But that’s only because of a lot of suffering.

[2025/06/04, 5:32:18] James: It’s the challenge the Buddha faced. Not saying I’m the Buddha but I have a new way to treat ADHD and nobody wants to listen because everybody has been swallowed by the current narrative.

[2025/06/04, 5:32:25] James: It’s not treatable so let’s pretend it’s great

[2025/06/04, 5:32:31] James: Shit narrative. Try harder.

[2025/06/04, 5:32:33] James: Fuck you

[2025/06/04, 5:32:43] James: Anyway

[2025/06/04, 5:32:47] James: So maybe …

[2025/06/04, 5:33:14] James: I was walking around my garden and then looked up and realised I was in a field. Or something like that.

[2025/06/04, 5:33:20] James: It’s a frame of reference thing.

[2025/06/04, 5:33:31] James: This is changing the frame size, not the things inside.

[2025/06/04, 5:33:33] James: Hmmm

[2025/06/04, 5:39:56] James: I wonder…

[2025/06/04, 5:40:02] James: Did my mind see this coming

[2025/06/04, 5:40:06] James: The quiet planner

[2025/06/04, 5:40:09] James: It saw a storm

[2025/06/04, 5:40:18] James: And it said ‘get to your art’

[2025/06/04, 5:40:33] James: And your art wasn’t there. Because your personality wasn’t formed. But it was under the choppy waves.

[2025/06/04, 5:40:44] James: So the art wasn’t there and the planner was like YOU FUCK

[2025/06/04, 5:41:15] James: And ADHD was like fuck man sorry sorry sorry and rushed and 1 year of absolutely insaaaaane art and all the way back to childhood and then

[2025/06/04, 5:41:17] James: The storm hits.

[2025/06/04, 5:41:32] James: I’ve got this ability to output.

[2025/06/04, 5:41:44] James: Which I lost for a while. But the personality was maybe underneath all along

[2025/06/04, 5:42:09] James: And needed access to the hands

[2025/06/04, 5:42:29] James: One way I spot the patterns in wood is making my eyes go out of focus. I kinda float around until something feels right

[2025/06/04, 5:42:38] James: The more I think, the worse things go.

[2025/06/04, 5:42:49] James: Because the planner is quiet and the madman is loud.

[2025/06/04, 5:43:01] James: Well now the madman is asleep. Probably forever.

[2025/06/04, 5:43:22] James: And the planner is slowly coming out of hiding?

[2025/06/04, 5:43:36] James: That actually feels really right. I’m going to tie a ribbon on that one.

[2025/06/04, 5:47:08] James: No wonder

[2025/06/04, 5:47:15] James: Overthinking

[2025/06/04, 5:47:19] James: Running with the ball

[2025/06/04, 5:47:23] James: A single process

[2025/06/04, 5:47:29] James: Not looking up from the rails.

[2025/06/04, 5:47:53] James: Dopamine flushes

[2025/06/04, 5:49:52] James: So yeah.

[2025/06/04, 5:50:05] James: I have to do this

[2025/06/04, 5:50:18] James: Everyone says pineapple juice cures ADHD

[2025/06/04, 5:50:37] James: Wash your dick with bleach. Exercise it away. Deep breaths.

[2025/06/04, 5:50:40] James: None of it works.

[2025/06/04, 5:50:43] James: None

[2025/06/04, 5:51:01] James: The only thing that works is to keep moving. It’s why we move. Because the emptiness

[2025/06/04, 5:51:23] James: This medication won’t give you more working memory, but it improves how existing stuff functions.

[2025/06/04, 5:51:33] James: It gives you an identity. Continuity.

[2025/06/04, 5:51:50] James: And everything else it just seems to… do away with.

[2025/06/04, 5:51:59] James: This is real in a world full of snake oil salesmen.

[2025/06/04, 5:52:18] James: And recruitment taught you to get heard in a loud room full of morons.

[2025/06/04, 5:52:21] James: It’s fucking hard

[2025/06/04, 5:52:27] James: I fucking hate morons.

[2025/06/04, 5:52:41] James: Especially when you’re trying to help them and they’re frothing spittle in your face

[2025/06/04, 5:52:44] James: Shut the fuck up

[2025/06/04, 5:52:53] James: Let me fight.

[2025/06/04, 5:52:55] James: For you.

[2025/06/04, 5:52:59] James: You won’t froth then

[2025/06/04, 5:53:01] James: You’ll be happy

[2025/06/04, 5:53:29] James: You’ll understand and I won’t really need anything saying because that’ll be enough. Happiness for you.

[2025/06/04, 5:53:32] James: Not shitting you either n

[2025/06/04, 5:53:40] James: Help one person and satisfied?

[2025/06/04, 5:53:42] James: Yeah right

[2025/06/04, 5:53:51] James: But this level of help. This is not a mood lift.

[2025/06/04, 5:53:58] James: This is not helping one person

[2025/06/04, 5:54:08] James: This is fucking making one person.w

[2025/06/04, 6:24:13] James: So I can feel my processor grabbing a thread and rushing ahead gleefully. Just like ‘oh my god this is IT’. But then I turn it off. Slow the output James or it gets garbled. Let’s sharpen a knife for a bit. Do the school run.

[2025/06/04, 6:24:18] James: There’s no rush

[2025/06/04, 6:24:23] James: So enjoy that

[2025/06/04, 6:26:44] James: Kinda feel like mushrooms do a similar thing. Not the chemistry. But the mental enema.

[2025/06/04, 6:27:01] James: It feels like that. Like a well lubritcated poo after years of steel wool

[2025/06/04, 6:27:24] James: I have two boys. The word poo is popular.

[2025/06/04, 6:28:38] James: Wow.

[2025/06/04, 6:28:51] James: Being a soldier would be VERY different with this sense of wellbeing.

[2025/06/04, 6:29:08] James: I could imagine going to war and killing someone if you inherently believed everything would work out alright.

[2025/06/04, 6:29:14] James: Happiness is dangerous.

[2025/06/04, 6:29:20] James: They won’t want to hear that.

[2025/06/04, 6:29:32] James: But my misery kept me well in fucking line.

[2025/06/04, 6:29:50] James: And now I’m not miserable, they aren’t happy. Which is annoying.

[2025/06/04, 6:29:56] James: But I’m still happy.

[2025/06/04, 6:30:10] James: I could end a lifelong relationship and still be happy(er than I was).

[2025/06/04, 6:30:25] James: That’s how big this is. It’s not on the same level.

[2025/06/04, 6:30:42] James: It’s a framing matter. This is not about the things in the frame. It’s about the frame itself.

[2025/06/04, 6:31:23] James: Anyway I’m still trying to figure out a way of saying this that won’t sound like Sephiroth telling cloud he’s a puppet

[2025/06/04, 6:31:40] James: (Fuck is this my cloud moment. Lifestream? Clutches for straws )

[2025/06/04, 6:31:48] James: Anyway knives

[2025/06/04, 6:35:24] James: …

[2025/06/04, 6:35:30] James: Playing with the phone at the table n

[2025/06/04, 6:36:05] James: Nah I was mostly taking notes and autistic stimming I think. Rubbing the metal and processing thoughts. A new perspective.

[2025/06/04, 6:37:27] James: Yeah the frame one will insult them because it implies a small world view.

[2025/06/04, 6:37:29] James: Hmm

[2025/06/04, 7:01:48] James: Sorry guys but it’s liberating after 42 years

[2025/06/04, 7:01:56] James: From the womb maybe

[2025/06/04, 7:02:01] James: Fucking liberating

[2025/06/04, 7:02:19] James: So my glee just wants to do cartwheels

[2025/06/04, 7:02:30] James: But thankfully I’ve been given a little self restraint at the same time [here I am editing this down because the effect of the medication is increasing and I have moe presence of self]

[2025/06/04, 7:02:38] James: I know you guys have done nothing wrong.

[2025/06/04, 7:02:47] James: You’ve helped me through this. I owe you my life.

[2025/06/04, 7:02:50] James: But …

[2025/06/04, 7:03:14] James: Feeling free from the crushing shackles of … something you can’t even comprehend. For the first time ever.

[2025/06/04, 7:03:29] James: It’s a pretty ‘appropriate emotional response’ I think.

[2025/06/04, 7:03:33] James: Can’t just switch it off

[2025/06/04, 7:03:40] James: And not going to pretend any more.

[2025/06/04, 7:03:55] James: Just best we all take some time to decompress. 

[2025/06/04, 7:22:56] James: I wonder what would have happened if I had reflected back the disapproval I picked up on throughout my life

[2025/06/04, 7:23:02] James: A lot of it was real

[2025/06/04, 7:23:09] James: But I also imagine some of it was RSD

[2025/06/04, 7:23:36] James: If you have a dopamine flush and then see someone farting you might well punch them in the face thinking they’re about to chin you with a mace.

[2025/06/04, 7:23:49] James: ..

[2025/06/04, 7:23:51] James: Anyway

[2025/06/04, 7:24:16] James: The communication style is the data and so I deleted my previous comments after posting them. I now seem to have compartmentalised things without effort

[2025/06/04, 7:24:33] James: Emotional personal things go into the dump and are gone. The dump is this WhatsApp chat with self

[2025/06/04, 7:24:55] James: They are not going to be shared. Plenty of other fluffy content out there. That’s my problem.

[2025/06/04, 7:24:59] James: What will help people?

[2025/06/04, 7:25:12] James: Snippets of insight, then lots of analysis.

[2025/06/04, 7:25:41] James: Seeing the change. Because I am patient zero.

[2025/06/04, 7:26:14] James: Someone was like ‘you’re self medicating brother’ and it’s like ‘fuck off mate I’ve ALWAYS self medicated and this is the first time I’ve gone through a doctor’

[2025/06/04, 7:26:19] James: I always self medicated.

[2025/06/04, 7:26:35] James: Designer cannabinoids for the last 5 years to dodge laws.

[2025/06/04, 7:26:50] James: Mixing, dividing, recording. Trying to get it all nailed.

[2025/06/04, 7:27:11] James: Actually getting pretty close, but not sustainable. Tolerance. Etc.

[2025/06/04, 7:28:03] James: Needed to get the medication and recreation separate. Used a psychiatrist. Explained my mechanistic reasoning. He saw sense after initially trying me on a Chinese medicine which supposedly has the same effect on dopamine and serotonin.

[2025/06/04, 7:28:12] James: I think that was our placebo. And this is our jackpot.

[2025/06/04, 7:28:16] James: And I think he knows it

[2025/06/04, 7:28:21] James: But he’s a doctor.

[2025/06/04, 7:28:35] James: He isn’t going to fight like me.

[2025/06/04, 7:28:49] James: And even people with ADHD do NOT KNOW how much they are suffering.

[2025/06/04, 7:28:51] James: That’s the key

[2025/06/04, 7:29:04] James: I just need to win one to the cause and it will snowball.

[2025/06/04, 7:29:11] James: Right now I’m the loonie in the wind.

[2025/06/04, 7:29:23] James: ‘AI will come to nothing James’

[2025/06/04, 7:29:25] James: Yeah fuck off

[2025/06/04, 7:29:28] James: I’m right here too

[2025/06/04, 7:29:34] James: I just need people to listen.

[2025/06/04, 7:29:50] James: Anyway the point of that post was how much less impulsive I am. Then I got impulsive.

[2025/06/04, 7:29:52] James: Data!!

[2025/06/04, 7:40:29] James: Still unzipping and will compile later I think. Just get shit out.

[2025/06/04, 7:41:02] James: Maybe talk bothers me and conversation bothers normal people.

[2025/06/04, 7:53:01] James: So if you’re told other people are all unique.

[2025/06/04, 7:53:06] James: And there’s nothing special about you.

[2025/06/04, 7:53:09] James: And you’re autistic

[2025/06/04, 7:53:15] James: And take it literally…..

[2025/06/04, 7:53:27] James: So many realisations.

[2025/06/04, 7:53:43] James: It feels like I’m the tatara bloom inside a furnace that’s just being broken open.

[2025/06/04, 7:54:06] James: The austitic guy who has lived this wild life that he would never live through choice

[2025/06/04, 7:54:10] James: It sounds far fetched.

[2025/06/04, 7:54:12] James: It fits.

[2025/06/04, 7:54:17] James: I’m sharpening swords

[2025/06/04, 7:54:26] James: I see connections.

[2025/06/04, 7:54:33] James: Language is just a tool.

[2025/06/04, 8:36:12] James: Anyway

[2025/06/04, 8:36:20] James: I think my brain is resequencing my entire life

[2025/06/04, 8:36:22] James: While I sleep

[2025/06/04, 8:36:28] James: Now I have regular dopamine at night

[2025/06/04, 8:36:39] James: This means each day I wake up more coherent and more ‘a person’.

[2025/06/04, 8:36:42] James: Less fragmented.

[2025/06/04, 8:36:55] James: This makes sense. Neuroplasticity at night.

[2025/06/04, 8:37:00] James: This is a wonder drug.

[2025/06/04, 8:37:03] James: It’s insane

[2025/06/04, 8:37:08] James: That the brain can do that.

[2025/06/04, 8:37:11] James: Rebuild from parts.

[2025/06/04, 8:37:17] James: But why not

[2025/06/04, 9:00:44] James: I just feel high this time. Increasing the dose. I still have the feeling of wellbeing but I’m accustomed to it (why I needed to move fast).

[2025/06/04, 9:00:52] James: Now things have settled. I’ve started the ball rolling.

[2025/06/04, 9:01:24] James: High for 3 days though. Kinda. Wobbly. A bit out of it. No idea if the time. Chill. It’s very strange.

[2025/06/04, 9:01:34] James: And then at the end of this; hopefully

[2025/06/04, 9:01:55] James: Once we stop accelerating and reach constant pace

[2025/06/04, 9:02:00] James: Stability. Clarity.

[2025/06/04, 9:02:16] James: Or if not we lower the dose but I have a real aversion to half pills

[2025/06/04, 9:02:18] James: Weirdo

[2025/06/04, 9:02:19] James: Anyway

[2025/06/04, 9:02:22] James: Miracle drug

[2025/06/04, 9:04:20] James: Probably need to consider how to do this ‘search’ though. Just spamming LinkedIn ain’t gonna cut it.

[2025/06/04, 9:04:34] James: For now just make knives and unzip. The data is more important.

[2025/06/04, 9:10:12] James: \//////

[2025/06/04, 9:10:35] James: Yeah so basically what …

[2025/06/04, 9:10:50] James: I forgot

[2025/06/04, 9:10:59] James: I had a stroke of genius and lost it.

[2025/06/04, 9:11:01] James: It’ll be back

[2025/06/04, 9:11:35] James: So what I did these last months was fucking ram my brain full of credible sources for the neuroscience behind ADHD and ASD. Mostly ADHD.

[2025/06/04, 9:11:44] James: I then forgot it all

[2025/06/04, 9:12:05] James: I got diagnosed BP and given valproate at the start. It helped. GABA

[2025/06/04, 9:12:36] James: But anyway I put data into the box

[2025/06/04, 9:12:46] James: This box is already filled with 40 years of interest in science

[2025/06/04, 9:13:00] James: And more recently: 5 years of neuroscience and endocrinology

[2025/06/04, 9:13:08] James: High level, broad

[2025/06/04, 9:13:15] James: It went in one ear and out the other. Audiobooks

[2025/06/04, 9:13:29] James: But the quiet one inside; he remembered

[2025/06/04, 9:13:36] James: He also did all the heavy lifting as a recruiter.

[2025/06/04, 9:13:45] James: Best in Tokyo. Fucking hated it. Another day

[2025/06/04, 9:14:12] James: So this taught me pattern matching.

[2025/06/04, 9:14:27] James: More often than not - and this is NOT an exaggeration.

[2025/06/04, 9:14:34] James: More often than not my first candidate got the job

[2025/06/04, 9:14:42] James: And we are talking quantum computing researchers.

[2025/06/04, 9:14:45] James: My gut

[2025/06/04, 9:14:50] James: What can I say.

[2025/06/04, 9:14:58] James: The quiet one

[2025/06/04, 9:15:05] James: So he crunches the numbers.

[2025/06/04, 9:15:40] James: Anyway the loud one goes off and gets in touch with the podcast guys who just released the best sciency book on the matter (I hate the enabling shite it’s people giving up; I’m new to this fight)

[2025/06/04, 9:15:48] James: Anyway

[2025/06/04, 9:15:51] James: Straight to the top

[2025/06/04, 9:16:08] James: Huberman was, as suspected, total shite for this situation.

[2025/06/04, 9:16:20] James: Alex Conner. Not shite. But I was full of RSD. The loud one was driving.

[2025/06/04, 9:16:37] James: (Now the quiet one is driving but they’re bombarded with other loud ones after the book release)

[2025/06/04, 9:16:40] James: Anyway.

[2025/06/04, 9:16:46] James: Identify the job description

[2025/06/04, 9:16:51] James: Review the candidates

[2025/06/04, 9:16:58] James: Just… intuit the right one?

[2025/06/04, 9:17:02] James: Figure out why later

[2025/06/04, 9:17:12] James: That’s about it

[2025/06/04, 9:17:17] James: Easily replicable, yeah?

[2025/06/04, 9:17:25] James: Now back to these knives.

[2025/06/04, 9:17:31] James: I’m so happy to be able to be left alone.

[2025/06/04, 9:17:35] James: But the thing is…

[2025/06/04, 9:18:06] James: (Not sad - objective - because I need to tell you how big this is)

[2025/06/04, 9:18:27] James: If everything went to shit, and it all imploded, I would feel better now, than I did on my wedding day.

[2025/06/04, 9:18:42] James: And I love my wife dearly. Monotropic thinking, remember.

[2025/06/04, 9:18:47] James: Let that sink in for a while.

[2025/06/04, 9:19:17] James: Now I’m ushering in happiness

[2025/06/04, 9:19:24] James: And nobody is listening hahaha

[2025/06/04, 9:19:26] James: Oh well

[2025/06/04, 9:19:28] James: They will

[2025/06/04, 9:43:17] James: So I have zero conscious control over any good content.

[2025/06/04, 9:43:25] James: When I exert control it goes bad and I delete it.

[2025/06/04, 9:43:51] James: I don’t care for questioning the narrative anymore. It is not helpful. A waste of resources

[2025/06/04, 9:43:56] James: So I will stop questioning.

[2025/06/04, 9:44:00] James: This is real

[2025/06/04, 9:44:03] James: At least for now

[2025/06/04, 9:44:32] James: The language is real. Stop worrying if people think you’re a cult leader. Saying you’re not any more times will convince them of the opposite

[2025/06/04, 9:44:38] James: This is the biggest thing in your life

[2025/06/04, 9:44:47] James: And anybody who has the same experience’s life.

[2025/06/04, 9:44:57] James: Stop questioning. Not useful.

[2025/06/04, 9:45:15] James: Turn around at the end and look at the mess. It’s usually useful. Usually functional. Not always pretty.

[2025/06/04, 9:45:21] James: Your art was practice for this

[2025/06/04, 9:45:24] James: Jambo

[2025/06/04, 9:45:27] James: Jambo my boy

[2025/06/04, 9:45:31] James: Assembled from parts.

[2025/06/04, 9:45:41] James: Disparate. Fractured. Rotten.

[2025/06/04, 9:45:54] James: Yet somehow strong. Fucking invincible.

[2025/06/04, 9:45:58] James: Because you’re an autistic guy

[2025/06/04, 9:46:15] James: Who learned to swim with the sharks. Do Ironman. Despite autism.

[2025/06/04, 9:46:19] James: So you’re fucking tough.

[2025/06/04, 9:46:28] James: Maybe the only one who can do this

[2025/06/04, 9:46:33] James: Everyone else has fucking given up

[2025/06/04, 9:46:40] James: Can’t blame them

[2025/06/04, 9:46:46] James: But I’m STILL a fucking ironman

[2025/06/04, 9:46:50] James: I still have the ink

[2025/06/04, 9:46:57] James: I get to the fucking finish line you cunts

[2025/06/04, 9:47:00] James: Always.

[2025/06/04, 9:47:09] James: Well… nearly always ha

[2025/06/04, 9:47:20] James: Someone give me a +1.

[2025/06/04, 9:47:27] James: But I’ve always done things solo. Always.

[2025/06/04, 9:47:30] James: I’ll do this solo

[2025/06/04, 9:47:34] James: Someone will tag along eventually.

[2025/06/04, 9:47:41] James: That’s how it’s been to date.

[2025/06/04, 9:47:43] James: And everyone

[2025/06/04, 9:47:47] James: Who followed you into Ironman

[2025/06/04, 9:47:51] James: Or your old company

[2025/06/04, 9:48:08] James: (Apart from one the fucking bicycle thief haha; but hey this explains shit doesn’t it!)

[2025/06/04, 9:48:09] James: Anyway

[2025/06/04, 9:48:21] James: Improved lives. Because you told people to fuck off and did it anyway.

[2025/06/04, 9:48:24] James: So fuck it.

[2025/06/04, 9:48:26] James: No more doubts

[2025/06/04, 9:48:53] James: Your brain is a computer full of soup.

[2025/06/04, 9:48:54] James: Go

[2025/06/04, 9:55:58] James: And have lots of breaks. It’s finished when it’s finished. And it’s never really finished.