[2025/06/04, 9:56:02] James: ////
[2025/06/04, 9:58:37] James: So tired.
[2025/06/04, 9:58:40] James: Wrong word
[2025/06/04, 9:58:42] James: Fatigued
[2025/06/04, 9:58:45] James: Bone deep
[2025/06/04, 9:58:47] James: From life
[2025/06/04, 9:58:56] James: Now I can stop
[2025/06/04, 9:59:22] James: 2 weeks in. Still equalising and upped dose so a fair bit of sleep debt
[2025/06/04, 9:59:33] James: But
[2025/06/04, 10:00:18] James: Less emotionally tired than ever. I don’t want to sleep because I’m happy to be awake (previously my bed scared me; that was why; because it’s where I tortured myself mentally)
[2025/06/04, 10:00:22] James: But now
[2025/06/04, 10:00:26] James: None
[2025/06/04, 10:00:37] James: Bed is nice. It doesn’t matter that I’m waking at 2
[2025/06/04, 10:00:43] James: I’m neurodivergent and realigning.
[2025/06/04, 10:00:51] James: Fatigue will take a while.
[2025/06/04, 10:00:54] James: I’m healing.
[2025/06/04, 10:01:14] James: Ironman… they say recovering from a season is like recovering from a car crash.
[2025/06/04, 10:01:21] James: Well what about a lifetime?
[2025/06/04, 10:01:25] James: Fatigue
[2025/06/04, 10:01:28] James: That’s the word.
[2025/06/04, 10:01:50] James: I finished everything by 40. Went so hard. First world problem? Mental health issue meaning you can feel no joy
[2025/06/04, 10:02:13] James: And I’m one of the lucky ones. I have autism so could build processes to keep the wheels on.
[2025/06/04, 10:02:55] James: Most can’t.
[2025/06/04, 10:03:06] James: Autism is fine. Not really an issue. Just who I am
[2025/06/04, 10:03:09] James: But ADHD is pain
[2025/06/04, 10:03:18] James: It’s needles in your pocket
[2025/06/04, 10:03:28] James: Ants up your spine
[2025/06/04, 10:03:31] James: It’s fucking horrible
[2025/06/04, 10:03:34] James: And this kills it
[2025/06/04, 10:03:44] James: Superpowers are just coping mechanisms. You’ll still have them.
[2025/06/04, 10:03:48] James: Fuck I’m preaching again
[2025/06/04, 10:04:06] James: Anyway despite this sleep debt I feel amazing. But in control.
[2025/06/04, 10:04:23] James: Calm and energised. Maybe a bit too energised. But I think that’s excitement about this discovery.
[2025/06/04, 10:04:27] James: Anyway.
[2025/06/04, 10:13:25] James: Oh thank fuck people are finally leaving me alone and not rushing a solution
[2025/06/04, 10:13:47] James: So much noise. Just wait. Sequential processing.
[2025/06/04, 10:16:12] James: I am tired of people trivialising my experience just because they have the power of numbers.
[2025/06/04, 10:18:59] James: They don’t even know they are doing it. By calling in someone else to back up their opinion they are trivialising what is more than an opinion; it’s an entirely different view of the universe.
[2025/06/04, 10:19:04] James: It’s not an opinion.
[2025/06/04, 10:30:55] James: …
[2025/06/04, 11:20:07] James: ADHD superpower?
[2025/06/04, 11:20:09] James: Fuck offf
[2025/06/04, 11:20:17] James: It was hard fucking graft you lazy cunt
[2025/06/04, 11:20:30] James: I fucking worked. So fucking hard. And there was no pot of gold.
[2025/06/04, 11:20:39] James: So fuck off with your superpower.
[2025/06/04, 11:20:54] James: What’s the use of a superpower if it just means you get to a lump of shit faster?
[2025/06/04, 11:21:11] James: Done
[2025/06/04, 11:23:46] James: //
[2025/06/04, 11:23:52] James: I have developed the ability to potter
[2025/06/04, 11:23:59] James: I was the most manic potterer.
[2025/06/04, 11:24:29] James: Now: normal
[2025/06/04, 11:25:04] James: Day 3 of the upped dose though and pretty blooming floaty. Curious to see how I feel once stabilised.
[2025/06/04, 11:34:09] James: …
[2025/06/04, 11:34:12] James: I dunno
[2025/06/04, 11:34:23] James: There’s a small chance we’re into the macro cycle of my life.
[2025/06/04, 11:34:26] James: Big ups and downs.
[2025/06/04, 11:34:41] James: Maybe hell to heaven, on a chemical level
[2025/06/04, 11:35:11] James: Because I’m chemically buffered, which is cheating. I’m ok with that after a lifetime of strife. I know how to fight. I have unlocked the confidence
[2025/06/04, 11:35:30] James: I swear I’m not manic but I’m not sleeping much and am pretty hyper so… just wait and you’ll see
[2025/06/04, 11:35:54] James: Now the +20 on dopamine would always be there. So wouldn’t that mean that my baseline is higher?
[2025/06/04, 11:36:09] James: I don’t know if my baseline was lower than others. More that the lows were bottomless.
[2025/06/04, 11:36:30] James: So removing the lows and highs might still leave me with a bigger dopamine range, artificially elevated
[2025/06/04, 11:36:39] James: So this would mean I am like mr motivator
[2025/06/04, 11:36:42] James: Just …
[2025/06/04, 11:36:48] James: Sleep 2 hours a night and always go
[2025/06/04, 11:36:57] James: But I’m not. Because dopamine in PFC.
[2025/06/04, 11:37:18] James: I’m not sleeping (much; 4 hours) but I AM resting. And it’s real rest. Stillness of mind.
[2025/06/04, 11:37:29] James: I’m getting used to it already. So happy I put it online fast
[2025/06/04, 11:37:32] James: Gut
[2025/06/04, 11:37:40] James: Anyway there’s a chance that
[2025/06/04, 11:37:51] James: Through hard work
[2025/06/04, 11:38:10] James: And maybe a tiny bit of … err … good? Mitigating? Luck.
[2025/06/04, 11:38:23] James: You’ve somehow ended up with the brain chemistry.
[2025/06/04, 11:38:28] James: Of an ultimate Pokémon
[2025/06/04, 11:38:33] James: And you hate bullies
[2025/06/04, 11:38:40] James: And have this info that can help people
[2025/06/04, 11:38:46] James: And this brain chemistry and day 3
[2025/06/04, 11:39:00] James: I mean… things are going to happen, aren’t they
[2025/06/04, 11:59:31] James: Ha
[2025/06/04, 12:00:02] James: ‘Put others before yourself’ from a monotropic perspective. Ffs. So obvious.
[2025/06/04, 12:00:14] James: Anyway my kid writes instructions for his Lego.
[2025/06/04, 12:00:23] James: It’s his soothing. Writing the instructions; making it.
[2025/06/04, 12:00:44] James: This is what I do too; though I don’t write them down.
[2025/06/04, 12:01:01] James: My favourite thing is solving a problem. I have no interest in the solution though (this is changing now)
[2025/06/04, 12:01:16] James: But anyway I love figuring out algorithms of behavior which will bring the best results
[2025/06/04, 12:01:28] James: My art. My knives. It’s all about experimenting with process.
[2025/06/04, 12:01:36] James: Because process is everything
[2025/06/04, 12:01:54] James: The universe as it exists is just an ongoing process.
[2025/06/04, 12:02:16] James: If you know the rules and you know the board layout, you don’t need to know what number move you’re on.
[2025/06/04, 12:02:40] James: So because I have a dodgy clock, I can’t rely on it for timing. So I build processes that don’t need timing. Dominoes.
[2025/06/04, 12:03:01] James: I can only run one at a time and will get irritated if you overload my RAM. Easy questions ok but anything proper? No.
[2025/06/04, 12:03:08] James: Anyway processes. Fucking love them
[2025/06/04, 12:03:17] James: They unconsciously held my life together.
[2025/06/04, 12:03:22] James: I had so many processes.
[2025/06/04, 12:03:24] James: So many
[2025/06/04, 12:04:20] James: When I had my proper mental breakdown last year (probably like number 10 to date) it felt like there was a ball of steel wool, electrified, rotating in my skull and scraping the inside of my my jawbones, vibrating apart the shell of my being.
[2025/06/04, 12:04:38] James: Processes. They all unravelled. The ‘personality’ I had was just a mass of processes.
[2025/06/04, 12:04:41] James: I had no fucking idea
[2025/06/04, 12:05:06] James: These processes were like ‘did he say this - do that’ ‘eye contact 3 second physical threat’. Just so fucking many.
[2025/06/04, 12:05:33] James: Then Ironman. Vicelike grip on diet, training. Everything. Just on another level. I’ll share my training plan one day. Do not copy it.
[2025/06/04, 12:05:35] James: Anyway
[2025/06/04, 12:05:38] James: Fucking processes
[2025/06/04, 12:05:40] James: That was me.
[2025/06/04, 12:05:56] James: Nothing more, almost n
[2025/06/04, 12:06:07] James: The part I showed the world anyway. Just processes. That was the winner.
[2025/06/04, 12:06:26] James: The fucking loser inside. The one doing all the work. The dev team slave to the fucking sales guys. That was ASD
[2025/06/04, 12:06:30] James: And that was ME
[2025/06/04, 12:06:37] James: And that was zipped in a packet.
[2025/06/04, 12:06:58] James: And it would sometimes say ‘go left’ or ‘this person is dangerous’ and I don’t know why but I follow and it is ALWAYS right.
[2025/06/04, 12:07:03] James: First candidate. Every time.
[2025/06/04, 12:07:22] James: Fucking processes though. The winner. Ironman. Through processes. Climb the mountain. One step at a time.
[2025/06/04, 12:07:24] James: Everything
[2025/06/04, 12:07:30] James: And they became unsustainable
[2025/06/04, 12:07:33] James: And I was very unhappy
[2025/06/04, 12:07:38] James: And I was completely trapped
[2025/06/04, 12:07:48] James: And it was pink Floyd the wall and I had no idea
[2025/06/04, 12:07:57] James: And I’m fucking lucky to still be here guys.
[2025/06/04, 12:08:00] James: Fucking lucky
[2025/06/04, 12:08:26] James: It was touch and go there for a while. And we didn’t know what was wrong.
[2025/06/04, 12:08:35] James: And somehow
[2025/06/04, 12:08:45] James: These processes are gone.
[2025/06/04, 12:08:55] James: My personality that was zipped up with the quiet one …
[2025/06/04, 12:09:02] James: That is unzipping. That’s what’s happening.
[2025/06/04, 12:09:10] James: It was secure. Safe. So fucking weird.
[2025/06/04, 12:09:19] James: But this is the ONLY language that works.
[2025/06/04, 12:09:46] James: It was safe. Protecting itself by melting me down every winter so I didn’t physically die through exhaustion.
[2025/06/04, 12:10:02] James: And I broke every target down
[2025/06/04, 12:10:05] James: To chunks
[2025/06/04, 12:10:07] James: And then pieces
[2025/06/04, 12:10:15] James: And then u built processes on those pieces
[2025/06/04, 12:10:20] James: And I only had to know the one step
[2025/06/04, 12:10:29] James: And I conquered so many peoples dreams
[2025/06/04, 12:10:31] James: Business
[2025/06/04, 12:10:34] James: Athletics
[2025/06/04, 12:10:44] James: I don’t know. Irrelevant.
[2025/06/04, 12:10:46] James: Not mine.
[2025/06/04, 12:11:15] James: Mine were buried under the processes. I think they involved art and Japan. Duh.
[2025/06/04, 12:11:21] James: Anyway
[2025/06/04, 12:11:31] James: The processes broke
[2025/06/04, 12:11:34] James: The mask is gone
[2025/06/04, 12:11:38] James: But the fucking detritus
[2025/06/04, 12:11:40] James: And the soup
[2025/06/04, 12:11:48] James: I had just iron filings in poo soup
[2025/06/04, 12:11:52] James: In my head
[2025/06/04, 12:11:56] James: The bees were gone.
[2025/06/04, 12:11:59] James: Guanfacine.
[2025/06/04, 12:12:18] James: And I had - literally - the most clarity of my life
[2025/06/04, 12:12:26] James: And it all pales in comparison…
[2025/06/04, 12:12:30] James: Wait….
[2025/06/04, 12:12:53] James: Harder to stay on emotional topics because of executive function allocations?
[2025/06/04, 12:13:10] James: Anyway now these processes and the soup are gone, the personality is coming out
[2025/06/04, 12:13:13] James: It sounds weird
[2025/06/04, 12:13:16] James: But I think it’s right
[2025/06/04, 12:13:30] James: Let’s see
[2025/06/04, 15:20:47] James: Man… this is kinda hard.
[2025/06/04, 15:21:02] James: Everyone says family don’t understand that it’s a disability since you’ve danced the dance for so long.
[2025/06/04, 15:21:05] James: But …
[2025/06/04, 15:21:58] James: So…
[2025/06/04, 15:22:07] James: Flash update
[2025/06/04, 15:22:42] James: Misdiagnosed bipolar 2. Turns out I’m ADHD and ASD. I’ve always been intense and ups and downs. And I firmly believed that I was BP2 for a while there. I needed anything.
[2025/06/04, 15:22:48] James: Then I wasn’t. I was adhd.
[2025/06/04, 15:22:52] James: Guanfacine works.
[2025/06/04, 15:22:59] James: Confirms it, really.
[2025/06/04, 15:23:12] James: I become more ASD and life gets hard in a different way…
[2025/06/04, 15:23:14] James: Now…
[2025/06/04, 15:23:19] James: I find a drug.
[2025/06/04, 15:23:26] James: Which seems to …
[2025/06/04, 15:23:38] James: Or the discomfort anyway
[2025/06/04, 15:23:57] James: And this is amazing news. It is so ridiculous that I can’t believe how good it is.
[2025/06/04, 15:24:29] James: I’m like… wait James. You might be manic. New med. etc. wait until 2 months. But the dopaminergic effects are unquestionable and life has taught me you need to use your fire before it burns out.
[2025/06/04, 15:24:33] James: Use the fire.
[2025/06/04, 15:24:35] James: So I do.
[2025/06/04, 15:24:59] James: But only after a week of waiting and checking. From the outside I present as manic. But inside, I am calm.
[2025/06/04, 15:25:22] James: How do you convince people? Even the first doctor misdiagnosed ADHD excited talk as BP2 pressure talk
[2025/06/04, 15:25:52] James: But that’s not what this is; I know it. I’m not tripping over words. I’m calm and not irritable, until someone comes and punches me in the face.
[2025/06/04, 15:26:04] James: I’m making knives until I have a flash of inspiration and then writing it down here.
[2025/06/04, 15:26:24] James: But I’m excited because I am increasingly convinced that this drug and its effects are real
[2025/06/04, 15:26:56] James: This is my thoughts impacting my emotions APPROPRIATELY for the first time … ever maybe. I think. Who knows. It feels this way.
[2025/06/04, 15:27:14] James: Anyway I’m excited. But I think it’s warranted. And I’m intense. And I’m not sleeping very well because of the new meds.
[2025/06/04, 15:27:26] James: So initially I’m like ‘maybe I’m manic let’s wait’.
[2025/06/04, 15:27:45] James: 2 weeks in I’m like ‘the pink cloud has passed but I still feel good’
[2025/06/04, 15:28:15] James: In the interim I met my psychiatrist for 30 min and spoke with him. He didn’t think I was manic and prescribed more, plus said he’d try it on another patient.
[2025/06/04, 15:28:30] James: Now I think this is the adjustment period so I have a bit more dopamine than usual.
[2025/06/04, 15:28:31] James: But
[2025/06/04, 15:28:33] James: And this is hey
[2025/06/04, 15:28:36] James: Key
[2025/06/04, 15:28:50] James: I am perfectly willing to accept the possibility that I’m manic if:
[2025/06/04, 15:29:08] James: Someone actually explains why they think that.
[2025/06/04, 15:29:36] James: Being intense is me. I’ve always been intense. It’s why I’ve apparently been incompatible with the human race and am still reeling from finding out that I have no empathy
[2025/06/04, 15:29:37] James: But
[2025/06/04, 15:29:51] James: These messages are intentionally stream of consciousness, remember
[2025/06/04, 15:29:53] James: …
[2025/06/04, 15:30:09] James: I don’t think I’m manic. And I’m getting rather pissed off saying it again and again. Which makes me seem manic.
[2025/06/04, 15:30:13] James: What I keep telling them
[2025/06/04, 15:30:14] James: Family
[2025/06/04, 15:30:25] James: Lots of baggage. Still think the old guy is coming back
[2025/06/04, 15:30:39] James: Anyway
[2025/06/04, 15:31:11] James: I think they haven’t accepted that I am neurodivergent, to a high degree, disabled judging from my response to this med.
[2025/06/04, 15:31:21] James: I told them that I made this website for them and they haven’t read it
[2025/06/04, 15:31:37] James: Or parts of it but it was too sweary. Ok. Great excuse.
[2025/06/04, 15:31:40] James: Priorities
[2025/06/04, 15:31:43] James: Anyway
[2025/06/04, 15:32:19] James: I told them that I would be trying messaging in a new way, with short messages and rapid fire, because I think it suits my brain, and to mute the chat and check in batches.
[2025/06/04, 15:32:25] James: Did they hear this?
[2025/06/04, 15:33:07] James: Because they then assumed that the messages which i sent. In this format. That I’m trying out to find a better way of communication… means I’m manic.
[2025/06/04, 15:33:12] James: Anyway
[2025/06/04, 15:33:26] James: I now have a baseline to return to and this is hard. Very hard
[2025/06/04, 15:33:37] James: But when I crash I don’t go full red. And that’s what I am fighting for.
[2025/06/04, 15:33:43] James: This is why I think I have to move now.
[2025/06/04, 15:33:59] James: I feel good. And I’m feeling calmer by the day. And if I don’t get the ball rolling now…
[2025/06/04, 15:34:01] James: Well…
[2025/06/04, 15:34:11] James: The glow might fade and someone else will have to do it.
[2025/06/04, 15:34:15] James: And I don’t want that to happen
[2025/06/04, 15:34:27] James: I think that this medicine could seriously improve lives.
[2025/06/04, 15:34:34] James: I am happy, not manic.
[2025/06/04, 15:34:45] James: I have been manic, I think, though I don’t think I’m bipolar.
[2025/06/04, 15:35:12] James: I’m sat at a happy 55% most of the day. This morning I woke up full of spunk at like 99%. But that happens. That’s me. That’s Norma
[2025/06/04, 15:35:16] James: Normal
[2025/06/04, 15:35:18] James: Ha
[2025/06/04, 15:35:19] James: For me
[2025/06/04, 15:35:25] James: So
[2025/06/04, 15:35:28] James: Decision making time
[2025/06/04, 15:35:33] James: What’s the consequence?
[2025/06/04, 15:36:03] James: And bear in mind that 1 day on this med was better than 42 years without it. The world is no longer scary.
[2025/06/04, 15:36:39] James: How many people might be victim of domestic violence in the 5 days I wait around to get people to say ‘ok James you’ve waited long enough’
[2025/06/04, 15:36:52] James: Are you really asking someone with ADHD and a potential cure to wait around? Really?
[2025/06/04, 15:36:56] James: But how many car accidents?
[2025/06/04, 15:37:02] James: Suicides?
[2025/06/04, 15:37:06] James: Serious
[2025/06/04, 15:37:09] James: It could be 0
[2025/06/04, 15:37:13] James: Could be more.
[2025/06/04, 15:37:21] James: Likely more
[2025/06/04, 15:37:23] James: So tell me
[2025/06/04, 15:37:34] James: Is this manic?
[2025/06/04, 15:37:37] James: I don’t think so.
[2025/06/04, 15:37:52] James: I think I have found something lying in the grass which everyone else has walked right past.
[2025/06/04, 15:38:08] James: And I think there are - maybe - millions of people that can benefit from this.
[2025/06/04, 15:38:20] James: I think if I use the energy I have right now I can start a snowball rolling.
[2025/06/04, 15:38:32] James: But if I wait, I might just sit in the garden with a coffee
[2025/06/04, 15:38:34] James: Tell me.
[2025/06/04, 15:38:39] James: What would you do?
[2025/06/04, 15:38:50] James: You know that it’s now or never because you know you.
[2025/06/04, 15:38:57] James: Something is happening. You don’t know what.
[2025/06/04, 15:39:09] James: You are perfectly happy to accept your ignorance and even that you might be manic
[2025/06/04, 15:39:17] James: But even if you were manic.. even then
[2025/06/04, 15:39:20] James: Use it.
[2025/06/04, 15:39:28] James: Get the medicine out there to help people.
[2025/06/04, 15:39:33] James: It’s time sensitive.
[2025/06/04, 15:39:41] James: God damn
[2025/06/04, 15:40:35] James: The spectre of a bipolar misdiagnosis lives on. You read about it. But 4 months after it was dismissed by the doctor, and after finding 2 new meds …
Whatever
[2025/06/04, 15:40:37] James: They won’t listen
[2025/06/04, 15:40:41] James: I need to do this
[2025/06/04, 15:40:43] James: End
[2025/06/04, 16:22:34] James: Yeah no this is how you always worked. It’s why you built your company. Because your work style has always been manic. Why you got that office and worked in a closet.
[2025/06/04, 16:22:57] James: Now stop questioning yourself, blast the prodigy, and …
Nah I’m gonna sharpen some knives
[2025/06/04, 16:22:59] James: And that
[2025/06/04, 16:23:04] James: Is why I have to do this
[2025/06/04, 16:23:09] James: The ability to say ‘nah’
[2025/06/04, 16:23:16] James: It’s impossible to explain
[2025/06/04, 16:29:10] James: I don’t know how to sleep.
[2025/06/04, 16:29:13] James: //////
[2025/06/04, 18:18:16] James: Yeah so I had 2x 45 min long calls with people I’ve not spoken to for a long while. Not manic. Fucking annoyed though. I’m different. And I want it to be respected.
[2025/06/04, 20:50:44] James: Well that was interesting
[2025/06/04, 20:50:48] James: Not good interesting
[2025/06/04, 20:50:56] James: It’s a loose thread that might go somewhere
[2025/06/04, 20:51:17] James: Day 3 of the increased dose and this is when I had cathartic crying last time. Lots of it.
[2025/06/04, 20:51:37] James: None this time but dopamine surges throughout the day, resulting in motivation spikes
[2025/06/04, 20:51:46] James: Think, normal motivation +20%.
[2025/06/04, 20:51:54] James: Both good and bad. Dopamine encodes both
[2025/06/04, 20:51:59] James: So here’s where it gets far fetched.
[2025/06/04, 20:52:32] James: I think all my memories are sequencing while I sleep (maybe why not great sleep?)
[2025/06/04, 20:52:39] James: Because if regular dopamine
[2025/06/04, 20:52:48] James: And somehow I think that emotions are being attached to them.
[2025/06/04, 20:52:57] James: Don’t ask me why
[2025/06/04, 20:53:15] James: Now I think that these emotions can be influenced by the environment
[2025/06/04, 20:53:33] James: So a conversation went bad. And noise built in my head
[2025/06/04, 20:53:40] James: No noise for a long time now, so it’s a flag
[2025/06/04, 20:53:58] James: I start kinda… getting agitated? Not panicked but I know something is coming.
[2025/06/04, 20:54:02] James: Dopamine rising?
[2025/06/04, 20:54:28] James: I am stuck in a thought loop and need the person to say just one little word to end it (yes or no) but they are refusing to say it
[2025/06/04, 20:55:03] James: This caused me a lot of psychological distress. Diffficult topic, but mostly it was the physical sensation of being stuck in the loop. The topic itself I could talk about - let me stress. The problem is I am in a loop and grinding and it hurts and I need helping out.
[2025/06/04, 20:55:08] James: Ever faster. Around and round.
[2025/06/04, 20:55:13] James: Steel wool
[2025/06/04, 20:55:15] James: Expanding
[2025/06/04, 20:55:20] James: Asking them to stop
[2025/06/04, 20:55:24] James: And then ‘pop’
[2025/06/04, 20:55:28] James: A switch flips
[2025/06/04, 20:55:43] James: And it seems like the emotions attached to memories to do with that person have changed.
[2025/06/04, 20:55:59] James: Been removed, even. Because I think my brain has a self defence mechanism. Their face..
[2025/06/04, 20:56:05] James: I think when it gets too many rules
[2025/06/04, 20:56:12] James: Formulae
[2025/06/04, 20:56:14] James: Flow charts
[2025/06/04, 20:56:23] James: Autistic side. ‘Right and wrong’
[2025/06/04, 20:56:29] James: And when these rules become incompatible
[2025/06/04, 20:56:34] James: They start to tangle
[2025/06/04, 20:56:42] James: And when they tangle too much
[2025/06/04, 20:56:53] James: I think the dopamine will just go ‘bop’ no
[2025/06/04, 20:56:56] James: And then you hate it for life
[2025/06/04, 20:57:04] James: Your biggest joy
[2025/06/04, 20:57:08] James: You get too into it.
[2025/06/04, 20:57:13] James: Super complicated project
[2025/06/04, 20:57:18] James: So many threads
[2025/06/04, 20:57:27] James: Steel wool spinning in the skull
[2025/06/04, 20:57:34] James: And then it’s just too much pain and ‘pop’
[2025/06/04, 20:57:43] James: Dopamine goes elsewhere.
[2025/06/04, 20:57:48] James: Emotions gone
[2025/06/04, 20:57:53] James: I dunno
[2025/06/04, 20:57:56] James: I felt something.
[2025/06/04, 20:58:02] James: It’s worth opening a line of inquiry
[2025/06/04, 22:53:08] James: Oh..
[2025/06/04, 22:53:57] James: And I seem to have got quite a lot more autistic since upping the dose of aripiprazole, which in my mind confirms that it treats ADHD symptoms.
[2025/06/04, 22:54:08] James: I still have zero desire to sleep though
[2025/06/04, 22:54:30] James: Life is too interesting. Bed is nice. Even just lying there.
[2025/06/04, 23:08:25] James: Dopamine man. Sleep? What’s that. Hopefully sort itself soon.
[2025/06/04, 23:08:36] James: Anyway yeah I like that
[2025/06/04, 23:09:26] James: I think the quiet one has rules. The steel wire. Starts out simple. Smooth. Gets messy. Gets very messy and fast. Gets painful. Flip! Gone.
[2025/06/04, 23:09:55] James: It feels like a ball of steel wool spinning in my skull, scraping the inside of my cheekbones.
[2025/06/04, 23:10:20] James: When it gets too fast and loud (lots of people talking at once for example)
[2025/06/04, 23:10:28] James: It actually gets painful.
[2025/06/04, 23:17:47] James: Before my major breakdown a few months ago it was bad. That wool, plus vibrations. Kinda felt like vibrating apart insides a shell. No idea I was AuDHD (silly word)
[2025/06/04, 23:18:04] James: Literally holding on at times while a surge of adrenaline rolled over me
[2025/06/04, 23:18:16] James: For no reason whatsoever. I was supposed to be retired
[2025/06/04, 23:18:26] James: Anyway for another day
[2025/06/04, 23:19:43] James: But I had like 10 art projects on, mostly gifts for family, all Xmas. Just a crazy amount of self imposed complexity and deadlines. And none of it for myself, of course. All for others.
[2025/06/04, 23:19:56] James: The all came together on the final day, at once.
[2025/06/04, 23:20:07] James: The steel wool. Fuck me it was harsh.
[2025/06/04, 23:20:22] James: I think that wool broke the mask, somehow.
[2025/06/04, 23:20:47] James: Didn’t know I had one. Just felt like I was vibrating apart at the seams. a nokia in a gnome.
[2025/06/04, 23:20:57] James: That was so bad
[2025/06/04, 23:21:05] James: So painful and scary
[2025/06/04, 23:21:12] James: I had no idea what was going on.
[2025/06/04, 23:21:30] James: In hindsight, well. Lots.
[2025/06/04, 23:21:49] James: But the recurring challenge for me has been death and I’ve never known why.
[2025/06/04, 23:21:52] James: Now I do
[2025/06/04, 23:22:25] James: It’s because I’m autistic so I get stuck on the idea. Life has to have a meaning and a clear completion. It is unknown. This does not compute.
[2025/06/04, 23:23:03] James: Then ADHD was like ‘immediately’ and you have this guy who is just like super motivated fixated on death
[2025/06/04, 23:23:35] James: Find a corpse and get some PTSD and you can throw in ADHD intrusive images of cutting your own wrists every 3 seconds while you’re happily doing art
[2025/06/04, 23:23:38] James: Wondering what the fuck
[2025/06/04, 23:23:40] James: I’m happy
[2025/06/04, 23:23:43] James: I love my kids
[2025/06/04, 23:23:45] James: I don’t wanna die
[2025/06/04, 23:23:48] James: What the fuck
[2025/06/04, 23:24:21] James: And the images come and you vibrate and hold on to another wave of adrenaline while your kids are playing with Lego and your wife is reading a book
[2025/06/04, 23:24:54] James: And you are there with… just waves of … hell. That’s the only word. Just waves of a hellish hellish cocktail of hormones.
[2025/06/04, 23:24:58] James: From nowhere
[2025/06/04, 23:25:17] James: In your happy retired life.
[2025/06/04, 23:25:33] James: …
[2025/06/04, 23:25:36] James: It was bad.
[2025/06/04, 23:27:13] James: And that was undiagnosed AuDHD
[2025/06/04, 23:27:22] James: Even without meds a framework would have helped
[2025/06/04, 23:27:25] James: I had no idea.
[2025/06/04, 23:27:30] James: I thought I was normal
[2025/06/04, 23:27:34] James: Ha
[2025/06/04, 23:31:59] James: So if that sounds familiar, go to a doctor!
[2025/06/04, 23:32:08] James: Apparently, it’s not normal