[2025/06/05, 7:24:51] James: Haha.
[2025/06/05, 7:25:00] James: Maybe my ‘positivity’ is an autistic rule
[2025/06/05, 7:25:09] James: Always look on the bright side!
[2025/06/05, 7:25:14] James: So
[2025/06/05, 7:25:15] James: Maybe
[2025/06/05, 7:25:17] James: Hopefully
[2025/06/05, 7:25:25] James: What happened last night was going to happen anyway?
[2025/06/05, 7:25:28] James: This is how I do it.
[2025/06/05, 7:25:35] James: I get a narrative and I change it in my head
[2025/06/05, 7:25:46] James: It kept me going in a world devoid of peace
[2025/06/05, 7:25:53] James: So
[2025/06/05, 7:26:02] James: Maybe that was the falling away of the old relationship
[2025/06/05, 7:26:03] James: The mask.
[2025/06/05, 7:26:08] James: Because I masked to myself
[2025/06/05, 7:26:11] James: I didn’t mask to you
[2025/06/05, 7:26:38] James: And all those rules we had. How to talk, how to smile, how much eye contact… they were all sitting on the foundation of that mask
[2025/06/05, 7:26:53] James: So maybe this is why I struggled with the conversations so much. I no longer have a mask.
[2025/06/05, 7:27:09] James: So you push it too hard and it crumbles easily, where previously it would have survived.
[2025/06/05, 7:27:10] James: Maybe
[2025/06/05, 7:27:12] James: Just maybe
[2025/06/05, 7:27:15] James: We can get away with it
[2025/06/05, 7:27:21] James: It feels different
[2025/06/05, 7:27:31] James: The memories are… white. They aren’t red.
[2025/06/05, 7:27:53] James: They lack some detail but feel like their … smell? Can be painted back on. Maybe differently
[2025/06/05, 7:27:56] James: Weird as shit I know
[2025/06/05, 7:27:59] James: Narrative
[2025/06/05, 7:28:01] James: But maybe
[2025/06/05, 7:28:08] James: If we go into damage control mode
[2025/06/05, 7:28:12] James: And people listen
[2025/06/05, 7:28:20] James: We can prevent my brain encoding to negative
[2025/06/05, 7:28:49] James: I think what might have happened is a decoupling. I don’t think it was a full trauma response because the images of the memories are still there
[2025/06/05, 7:28:56] James: But it’s important now that I finish this process
[2025/06/05, 7:29:23] James: We need a real foundation before anything can be build and the thought of even trying right now turns my stomach. Before this med it would have had me curled up on the floor.
[2025/06/05, 7:29:34] James: So maybe this is going to happen with all relationships
[2025/06/05, 7:29:50] James: Let’s see.
[2025/06/05, 7:29:52] James: School run
[2025/06/05, 20:17:02] James: Seem to feel logic in the gut but no brain in the gut of course.
[2025/06/05, 20:17:03] James: So why?
[2025/06/05, 20:17:03] James: Feel like a kinda person trapped under an umbrella in a storm of shit.
[2025/06/05, 20:17:03] James: Anyway
[2025/06/05, 20:17:03] James: That might be autism stuff.
[2025/06/05, 20:17:04] James: The neurons from the gut being linked to something? I don’t know enough about this to go anywhere.
[2025/06/05, 20:36:20] James: No wonder none of these fucking supplements and shit did anything for me.
[2025/06/05, 20:36:21] James: Totally fucked up endocrine system.
[2025/06/05, 20:36:21] James: Just…
[2025/06/05, 20:36:21] James: A computer in shit soup.
[2025/06/05, 20:36:22] James: It’s like I was
[2025/06/05, 20:36:22] James: …
[2025/06/05, 20:36:22] James: One thing I’m realising more and more
[2025/06/05, 20:36:23] James: And it’s obvious as fuck
[2025/06/05, 20:36:23] James: Is that my endocrine system is fucked.
[2025/06/05, 20:36:23] James: And that’s what …
[2025/06/05, 20:36:24] James: Well combined with autistic sensitivities fucking hate that word
[2025/06/05, 20:36:24] James: That’s what made shit hard, really
[2025/06/05, 20:36:24] James: Fighting against your own chemistry. Fuck man.
[2025/06/05, 20:36:24] James: Nasty
[2025/06/05, 20:36:25] James: Medicate that I say
[2025/06/05, 20:36:25] James: Please god
[2025/06/05, 20:36:25] James: With real medicine.
[2025/06/05, 20:36:25] James: How I wish I’d done this sooner.
[2025/06/05, 20:36:26] James: This medicine from … a year before I was born?
[2025/06/05, 20:36:26] James: It’s fucking 45 years old. Christ. 45 years.
[2025/06/05, 20:36:26] James: Should probably take time to make this website legible next time
[2025/06/05, 20:36:27] James: Do a The Killers.
[2025/06/05, 20:36:27] James: Flop like fuck first
[2025/06/05, 20:36:27] James: God that guy has a bad voice
[2025/06/05, 20:36:28] James: Huh.
[2025/06/05, 20:36:28] James: I suppose life never gave me language for this
[2025/06/05, 20:36:28] James: So I just use what I know.
[2025/06/05, 20:36:29] James: Tech and Buddhism’s and shit.
[2025/06/05, 20:36:30] James: Tatara.
[2025/06/05, 20:36:30] James: Fuck yeah
[2025/06/05, 21:00:08] James: //:///
[2025/06/05, 21:00:23] James: Might have to go through some fairly bad emotional manipulation.
[2025/06/05, 21:00:30] James: Like. Bad.
[2025/06/05, 21:00:39] James: Because it’s unconscious
[2025/06/05, 21:00:46] James: People don’t even know they’re doing it
[2025/06/05, 21:00:56] James: I think
[2025/06/05, 21:01:04] James: It’s a defence mechanism
[2025/06/05, 21:01:12] James: They haven’t realised that the man they loved
[2025/06/05, 21:01:21] James: Was just an umbrella
[2025/06/05, 21:01:27] James: Covered in storm shit
[2025/06/05, 21:06:45] James: //
[2025/06/05, 21:06:47] James: Oh wow
[2025/06/05, 21:06:50] James: Ha
[2025/06/05, 21:06:58] James: Morning pages
[2025/06/05, 21:07:15] James: Was that the start? I have done them in the past but then I went to art.
[2025/06/05, 21:07:19] James: The output n
[2025/06/05, 21:07:23] James: Just increased really
[2025/06/05, 21:07:40] James: And it kind of climaxed in December with those gifts to the family
[2025/06/05, 21:07:46] James: Maybe that was the last act of the mask
[2025/06/05, 21:07:51] James: Knew its days were up
[2025/06/05, 21:07:57] James: Served its purpose
[2025/06/05, 21:08:02] James: Task: completed
[2025/06/05, 21:08:03] James: End
[2025/06/05, 21:08:08] James: What then
[2025/06/05, 21:08:19] James: You unzip the paused program
[2025/06/05, 21:08:38] James: That’s what happened in large chunks over the first two weeks of this medicine
[2025/06/05, 21:08:57] James: The … understanding of my true self kind of emerged.
[2025/06/05, 21:09:05] James: It had been there. Just covered in shit soup
[2025/06/05, 21:09:17] James: The weird neurons are fine.
[2025/06/05, 21:09:31] James: So what next
[2025/06/05, 21:10:11] James: I guess I can handle 3 sequential tasks so long as I switch between them.
[2025/06/05, 21:10:23] James: True self
[2025/06/05, 21:10:24] James: Ha
[2025/06/05, 21:10:28] James: But it’s how it feels
[2025/06/05, 21:10:42] James: Is this how everyone else has felt all along?
[2025/06/05, 21:10:54] James: But … I’m pretty autistic
[2025/06/05, 21:11:17] James: So … shouldn’t I still feel like an ‘alien’?
[2025/06/05, 21:11:21] James: Silly phrase.
[2025/06/05, 21:11:31] James: I was just a fighter.
[2025/06/05, 21:11:34] James: That’s all I did
[2025/06/05, 21:11:35] James: I think
[2025/06/05, 21:11:48] James: The anger carried me through school
[2025/06/05, 21:11:55] James: Lots of fights. So many fights.
[2025/06/05, 21:12:02] James: The bully narrative never really fit though
[2025/06/05, 21:12:26] James: We are talking 2-3 a week. Stones and chairs to the head. 5 on 1.
[2025/06/05, 21:12:30] James: I mostly won
[2025/06/05, 21:12:48] James: And many of the fights were on behalf of other people
[2025/06/05, 21:12:49] James: Ha
[2025/06/05, 21:12:54] James: I now think
[2025/06/05, 21:13:01] James: That I was like the autistic avenger
[2025/06/05, 21:13:07] James: I would see a fucking bully
[2025/06/05, 21:13:16] James: And my parents raised me well. They are good people.
[2025/06/05, 21:13:43] James: You protect weak people in trouble. And you’ve been taught how to fight. And you learn pretty fast.
[2025/06/05, 21:13:53] James: Oh my god the clarity when that soup lofted on day 4
[2025/06/05, 21:14:05] James: Nothing like it. Now the manic narrative is out to rest
[2025/06/05, 21:14:11] James: I still think it’s nirvana
[2025/06/05, 21:14:18] James: Maybe let that sink in for a while
[2025/06/05, 21:14:22] James: And I had no idea
[2025/06/05, 21:14:34] James: And I was called an addict
[2025/06/05, 21:14:37] James: .
[2025/06/05, 21:14:45] James: For wanting normal brain chemistry
[2025/06/05, 21:14:54] James: That other people were lucky enough to be born with.
[2025/06/05, 21:15:13] James: Now I have what everyone else has. Nobody believes me. But this ‘bottom’ is still pretty low.
[2025/06/05, 21:15:26] James: It’s just that it’s all relative. I’ll keep the spectrum wide for now.
[2025/06/05, 21:15:37] James: I don’t think I’d want to dial it down
[2025/06/05, 21:15:54] James: But this one pill has done more than all the exercise and meditation I ever did.
[2025/06/05, 21:16:18] James: 20 yen a day.
[2025/06/05, 21:16:21] James: Fucking crazy
[2025/06/05, 21:16:33] James: //////
[2025/06/05, 21:19:13] James: Here I sit.
[2025/06/05, 21:19:25] James: Lo-fi chill and samurai swords
[2025/06/05, 21:19:32] James: Waiting for the next epiphany.
[2025/06/05, 21:19:48] James: It’s wild. 30 years of delayed processing maybe.
[2025/06/05, 21:19:59] James: Just tease it out with those whetstones.
[2025/06/05, 21:20:06] James: And jot it down when ready
[2025/06/05, 21:30:42] James: I guess I became so unable to work so suddenly
[2025/06/05, 21:30:50] James: (And various others)
[2025/06/05, 21:31:00] James: Is that the program complete
[2025/06/05, 21:31:23] James: And there not much RAM so it terminates it
[2025/06/05, 21:31:26] James: Pretty simple
[2025/06/05, 21:36:25] James: I wonder what yoga and meditation will feel like with a normal brain.
[2025/06/05, 21:36:32] James: Probably way fucking better, that’s for sure
[2025/06/05, 21:36:40] James: They were probably torture by comparison
[2025/06/05, 21:36:42] James: …
[2025/06/05, 21:36:46] James: Everything was
[2025/06/05, 21:36:53] James: Well
[2025/06/05, 21:36:59] James: Back to the knives.
[2025/06/05, 21:37:05] James: Coax out the next miracle
[2025/06/05, 21:50:28] James: //::
[2025/06/05, 21:50:33] James: I //////////
[2025/06/05, 21:50:38] James: I love these knives.
[2025/06/05, 21:50:44] James: The coaxing out of a person.
[2025/06/05, 21:50:49] James: One scratch at a time.
[2025/06/05, 21:50:53] James: And the wood
[2025/06/05, 21:51:04] James: Working with beautiful traumatised trees.
[2025/06/05, 21:51:08] James: Burl.
[2025/06/05, 21:51:29] James: I wonder if I’ll still do art after this. I think so
[2025/06/05, 21:51:50] James: But this is bigger than any individual person or hobby or relationship
[2025/06/05, 21:51:58] James: This is a hard reset.
[2025/06/05, 21:52:04] James: OS, programs; all gone.
[2025/06/05, 21:52:21] James: There’s still memory. But it can be manipulated better because of more regular dopamine.
[2025/06/05, 21:52:42] James: Everything is going to gradually float into place over the next few months
[2025/06/05, 21:52:46] James: Like asteroids.
[2025/06/05, 21:52:50] James: Drifting
[2025/06/05, 21:52:57] James: Slight gravitational force.
[2025/06/05, 21:53:04] James: Until some meet and more and then.
[2025/06/05, 21:53:07] James: A planet
[2025/06/05, 21:53:15] James: And that’s how this works.
[2025/06/05, 21:53:18] James: I sit here.
[2025/06/05, 21:53:22] James: And I make my swords.
[2025/06/05, 21:53:26] James: And then a planet is born.
[2025/06/05, 21:53:33] James: And after that; people can come visit
[2025/06/05, 21:53:37] James: But not before.
[2025/06/05, 21:53:40] James: Only my kids.
[2025/06/05, 21:53:57] James: That’s how it works.
[2025/06/05, 22:04:00] James: I wonder if this med makes my short term memory worse.
[2025/06/05, 22:04:28] James: I don’t think it does. I notice it more. But there are many factors at play and I’m happy to accept that it might. I would still take it.
[2025/06/05, 22:04:45] James: The noradrenaline is gone.
[2025/06/05, 22:04:50] James: Lower.
[2025/06/05, 22:53:22] James: I wonder if my or
[2025/06/05, 22:53:25] James: //////
[2025/06/06, 4:53:27] James: So. Delayed processing
[2025/06/06, 4:53:33] James: I need to spurt this out
[2025/06/06, 6:13:30] James: Oh fuck me so many ideas.
[2025/06/06, 6:13:33] James: Realisation s
[2025/06/06, 6:13:46] James: I just realised I know how to make myself ‘multithread’
[2025/06/06, 6:13:59] James: Messaged a friend. Let’s see.
[2025/06/06, 6:14:21] James: Wow that makes so much sense. Where everyone else has 4 steps I have 16.
[2025/06/06, 6:14:31] James: Because it’s a single thread bouncing between sequential processes
[2025/06/06, 6:14:35] James: And somehow I know this?
[2025/06/06, 6:14:37] James: Ha
[2025/06/06, 6:14:47] James: Wow quiet one. You were watching.
[2025/06/06, 6:14:59] James: This is good stuff.
[2025/06/06, 6:21:21] James: Fuck yeah
[2025/06/06, 6:21:29] James: I just charted my thought process
[2025/06/06, 6:21:31] James: Yes
[2025/06/06, 6:21:42] James: There’s a way to multithread.
[2025/06/06, 6:21:53] James: Not as well as most. But better.
[2025/06/06, 6:25:33] James: Oh fuck
[2025/06/06, 6:25:44] James: The Pandora’s box they opened when they asked me to look into my mental health.
[2025/06/06, 6:25:45] James: Hahaha
[2025/06/06, 6:25:48] James: Fucking hilarious
[2025/06/06, 6:25:50] James: Haha
[2025/06/06, 6:26:14] James: Like. Laughing. The sun is shining. I need to get this information documented and out there. But now the drug
[2025/06/06, 6:26:31] James: Is working more I kinda feel like it’ll just melt out into the world.
[2025/06/06, 6:26:36] James: Which one is right? Neither
[2025/06/06, 6:26:47] James: And I’m ok with that also because of the drug
[2025/06/06, 6:26:58] James: Previously it would have driven me insane.
[2025/06/06, 6:27:10] James: I would have pretended to myself that it didn’t. Because that was a personal failing.
[2025/06/06, 6:27:33] James: But it would have driven me wild. Intrusive monotropic thoughts. Impulsive. But calm on the outside.
[2025/06/06, 6:27:52] James: No wonder i was a vibrator in a coconut shell.
[2025/06/06, 6:28:04] James: Never again
[2025/06/06, 6:30:04] James: I need to leave things where I can see them or I forget they exist.
[2025/06/06, 6:30:26] James: This is why the rooms get messy. It’s a coping mechanism. I don’t know if there’s a way around that one apart from just…
[2025/06/06, 6:30:36] James: Medicating yourself to be more autistic and organised?
[2025/06/06, 6:30:44] James: Yeah that’ll do. Still gonna do it though.
[2025/06/06, 6:31:00] James: It’s actually necessary and now I know why. I can explain it. Once I’ve figured out a better way of communicating.
[2025/06/06, 6:32:24] James: My life is so peaceful now.
[2025/06/06, 6:32:30] James: Choosing a blade for the day.
[2025/06/06, 6:32:37] James: Cicada warming up.
[2025/06/06, 6:32:43] James: And around me… storms
[2025/06/06, 6:32:48] James: But it’s all relative
[2025/06/06, 6:32:52] James: And I live in the house
[2025/06/06, 6:33:16] James: And i can now choose not to look out the windows for a bit while I work on my decorating.
[2025/06/06, 6:33:30] James: It buffets me occasionally but I have a baseline to return to
[2025/06/06, 6:33:34] James: I never had that before.
[2025/06/06, 6:33:37] James: So it’s all relative.
[2025/06/06, 6:33:46] James: I’m feeling everything that’s happening in my external life.
[2025/06/06, 6:33:49] James: But …
[2025/06/06, 6:34:00] James: It’s so much less painful than every second to date.
[2025/06/06, 6:34:03] James: And I had no idea.
[2025/06/06, 6:34:09] James: That is so fucking insane
[2025/06/06, 6:34:23] James: That I still shake my head multiple times an hour.
[2025/06/06, 6:34:26] James: So fucking insane.
[2025/06/06, 6:34:45] James: I just know in my guts that everything will be alright and I’m gonna help someone with this blog.
[2025/06/06, 6:34:49] James: Previously it was all doom
[2025/06/06, 6:34:56] James: Now I’m calm
[2025/06/06, 6:35:02] James: I used the anger as I always do
[2025/06/06, 6:35:07] James: To get the task initiated.
[2025/06/06, 6:35:12] James: Now it’s time to consolidate.
[2025/06/06, 6:35:16] James: Make it legible.
[2025/06/06, 6:35:25] James: Convince people I’m… what?
[2025/06/06, 6:35:27] James: Sand?
[2025/06/06, 6:35:32] James: Potato?
[2025/06/06, 6:35:35] James: Sane?
[2025/06/06, 6:35:45] James: Well by their standards I probably am not
[2025/06/06, 6:35:52] James: But my way of viewing the world is coherent
[2025/06/06, 6:35:58] James: I am a tree that grew through a fence
[2025/06/06, 6:36:16] James: And that’s ok
[2025/06/06, 6:36:26] James: Now it’s not covered in shit soup.
[2025/06/06, 6:46:39] James: ….
[2025/06/06, 6:46:45] James: I’ve always liked symbols
[2025/06/06, 6:46:52] James: I feel like these knives
[2025/06/06, 6:46:58] James: Are pieces of my past
[2025/06/06, 6:47:15] James: And I’m taking them out and deciding how much rust to remove. How to shape them.
[2025/06/06, 6:47:22] James: It’s my own form of meditation.
[2025/06/06, 6:47:27] James: My own 道
[2025/06/06, 6:47:34] James: Which is all I ever wanted.
[2025/06/06, 6:47:39] James: ….
[2025/06/06, 7:06:55] James: Yeah so as dopamine becomes more regulated I wonder if I will be able to stay on process more.
[2025/06/06, 7:07:07] James: I’ll still be low ram high speed
[2025/06/06, 7:07:14] James: But maybe I can intentionally hyperfocus then
[2025/06/06, 7:07:16] James: Run with it
[2025/06/06, 7:07:29] James: And I think that too much of this drug would kill your creativity
[2025/06/06, 7:07:35] James: Because it stops the skip thinking
[2025/06/06, 7:07:39] James: The jumping between processes
[2025/06/06, 7:07:44] James: So there’s a sweet spot.
[2025/06/06, 7:07:58] James: If you take too much you will be a robot that feels nothing.
[2025/06/06, 7:08:11] James: I stopped meditating precisely to avoid this.
[2025/06/06, 7:08:22] James: My brain is more receptive / plastic than most I think
[2025/06/06, 7:08:34] James: But also more rigid. A walking contradiction
[2025/06/06, 7:08:45] James: But yeah. That’ll be interesting to watch for.
[2025/06/06, 7:09:12] James: I’ll probably just stay on 1mg of this for the rest of my life so long as there’s not a tolerance (negligible from what I’ve read)
[2025/06/06, 7:09:24] James: I wonder if it will work like this for other people
[2025/06/06, 7:09:27] James: I really hope so
[2025/06/06, 7:11:25] James: So hard without the routine of the school run
[2025/06/06, 7:11:29] James: Look at something else James
[2025/06/06, 7:11:32] James: Something else
[2025/06/06, 7:11:35] James: Get on rails.
[2025/06/06, 7:12:46] James: …
[2025/06/06, 7:12:51] James: So I keep coming back to Buddhism.
[2025/06/06, 7:13:27] James: Enlightenment is something that many people have achieved many times over, remember. The Buddha just taught the way.
[2025/06/06, 7:13:47] James: Well there’s a possibility that the Buddha somehow changed his dopamine signalling in a similar manner to me
[2025/06/06, 7:14:13] James: And remember that this is all relativistic
[2025/06/06, 7:14:47] James: The type of thing that I am talking about is personal to me and you would not experience it the same way
[2025/06/06, 7:14:55] James: Because all it is is a narrowing of the band.
[2025/06/06, 7:15:02] James: Less highs. Less lows. More smooth.
[2025/06/06, 7:15:18] James: I think the Buddha had ADHD.
[2025/06/06, 7:15:19] James: Ha
[2025/06/06, 7:15:25] James: But I do
[2025/06/06, 7:15:46] James: And I think his narrowing was a relativistic nirvana, which is why there can be no words
[2025/06/06, 7:16:04] James: And because his band was wide to begin with, this left him still functional and excited.
[2025/06/06, 7:16:46] James: For someone with a narrow band, narrowing it further would be a detriment. There would be no pleasure. So this drug isn’t ‘fun’ unless life was ‘not fun’.
[2025/06/06, 7:16:53] James: Anyway the realms of existence.
[2025/06/06, 7:17:01] James: I was hungry ghost and all kinds of hell
[2025/06/06, 7:17:09] James: Occasionally god
[2025/06/06, 7:17:14] James: Never human
[2025/06/06, 7:17:20] James: Now I feel human
[2025/06/06, 7:17:24] James: It’s all relativistic
[2025/06/06, 7:17:32] James: I feel the same as everyone else
[2025/06/06, 7:17:39] James: And for me, that’s nirvana.
[2025/06/06, 7:18:01] James: And people have achieved it time and again and continue to achieve it, just they are ‘in a religion’.
[2025/06/06, 7:18:21] James: But there’s something to everything and these religions all have some form of attainable ‘release’
[2025/06/06, 7:18:38] James: I think I’ve probably gone from hell to human.
[2025/06/06, 7:18:48] James: That’s one big fucking upgrade.
[2025/06/06, 7:18:55] James: Should stop saying nirvana haha
[2025/06/06, 7:22:39] James: ….
[2025/06/06, 7:22:40] James: So
[2025/06/06, 7:23:09] James: Is this kind of dopamine state what people talk about when they have epiphanies, awakenings, etc.
[2025/06/06, 7:23:18] James: Something clicks in their system
[2025/06/06, 7:23:47] James: The way they see the world changes
[2025/06/06, 7:23:53] James: It might actually warrant research
[2025/06/06, 7:24:14] James: And my HR is increasing because I’m starting to think about how to curate something that’s not ready
[2025/06/06, 7:24:19] James: I need to report first.
[2025/06/06, 7:24:20] James: Review
[2025/06/06, 7:24:23] James: Then curate
[2025/06/06, 7:24:29] James: That’s because of system limitation.
[2025/06/06, 7:24:38] James: People can’t handle it but there’s a solution.
[2025/06/06, 8:04:07] James: This is so fucking weird. I’m totally recalibrating. Finally getting to the fundamental problems I’ve always searched for
[2025/06/06, 8:04:13] James: The previous solutions were botches.
[2025/06/06, 8:04:20] James: Just slapped on to make me look normal
[2025/06/06, 8:04:28] James: These… I’m 42 and have life experience
[2025/06/06, 8:04:32] James: Oh speaking of!!!
[2025/06/06, 8:04:36] James: Great news!!!
[2025/06/06, 8:04:53] James: I scrolled through some photos of my life and they actually looked like MY life!
[2025/06/06, 8:05:08] James: This recalibration is ongoing. It won’t take forever but the changes are fascinating.
[2025/06/06, 8:05:29] James: I’ll try to stick to scientific language going forward but subjective I feel like Buddhist language is better suited so use that.
[2025/06/06, 8:09:38] James: There really is a storm outside.
[2025/06/06, 8:09:55] James: Fuck
[2025/06/06, 8:15:47] James: Monotropic
[2025/06/06, 8:15:52] James: Do something
[2025/06/06, 8:15:56] James: Set an alarm
[2025/06/06, 8:18:23] James: It’s not a raising of a baseline.
It’s the building of one.
[2025/06/06, 8:18:30] James: That was never there.
[2025/06/06, 8:18:33] James: The insecurity.
[2025/06/06, 8:18:40] James: Boggles the mind
[2025/06/06, 8:57:30] James: /////
[2025/06/06, 8:58:56] James: I have a plan. I just don’t know it yet.
[2025/06/06, 9:22:20] James: …
[2025/06/06, 9:22:24] James: A falling away.
[2025/06/06, 9:22:29] James: That’s what I felt in my mind
[2025/06/06, 9:22:31] James: The steel wool
[2025/06/06, 9:22:38] James: It fell away. Exploded. I saw it.
[2025/06/06, 9:22:45] James: And then it floated
[2025/06/06, 9:22:51] James: Iron filings.
[2025/06/06, 9:22:55] James: Down, and out.
[2025/06/06, 9:23:07] James: And it’s not coming back
[2025/06/06, 9:23:17] James: Once you open your eyes, you can’t pretend not to see
[2025/06/06, 9:23:29] James: Sure I can’t live without the medicine any more.
[2025/06/06, 9:23:38] James: But that’s just because I didn’t know how bad things were.
[2025/06/06, 9:23:42] James: I was born to it.
[2025/06/06, 9:23:45] James: It was all I knew
[2025/06/06, 9:23:55] James: Now I can see the world like everyone else. It’s vibrant. Warm.
[2025/06/06, 9:24:06] James: I can see the colours and they don’t fade.
[2025/06/06, 9:24:13] James: I think everything from my life …
[2025/06/06, 9:24:23] James: Or rather everything of a certain category from my past life
[2025/06/06, 9:24:28] James: All volitional action
[2025/06/06, 9:24:38] James: Learned behaviour. Mask.
[2025/06/06, 9:24:40] James: Boom
[2025/06/06, 9:24:45] James: Is falling away.
[2025/06/06, 9:24:48] James: Effortlessly.
[2025/06/06, 9:25:05] James: I do honestly wonder if the Buddha meditated away his ADHD.
[2025/06/06, 9:25:09] James: Must have been hard as fuck
[2025/06/06, 9:25:14] James: That guy was nails
[2025/06/06, 9:25:16] James: So am I.
[2025/06/06, 9:25:21] James: I can’t bend any more.
[2025/06/06, 9:25:26] James: It’s not a ‘won’t bend’
[2025/06/06, 9:25:29] James: I can’t.
[2025/06/06, 9:25:32] James: But not in a bad way
[2025/06/06, 9:25:38] James: If I see logic in something I will
[2025/06/06, 9:25:45] James: If you talk to me and make me see reason.
[2025/06/06, 9:25:52] James: But that isn’t bending.
[2025/06/06, 9:25:56] James: That is understanding.
[2025/06/06, 9:25:59] James: Communication.
[2025/06/06, 9:26:16] James: And I am unable to communicate ‘normally’ yet because the steel wool has gone.
[2025/06/06, 9:26:38] James: When my mind gets pushed onto a topic it doesn’t like, it physically resists.
[2025/06/06, 9:26:47] James: The ideas are just falling out of me, effortlessly.
[2025/06/06, 9:27:03] James: This is pretty fucking crazy really and I do question my sanity at times.
[2025/06/06, 9:27:08] James: But as said that’s nothing new.
[2025/06/06, 9:27:11] James: It’s just too good
[2025/06/06, 9:27:16] James: And nobody sees it.
[2025/06/06, 9:27:29] James: But - to stress -
[2025/06/06, 9:27:34] James: This is relative.
[2025/06/06, 9:27:44] James: If my dopamine receptors are messed up or something
[2025/06/06, 9:27:49] James: It means my baseline was lower
[2025/06/06, 9:27:53] James: I’m from a colder country
[2025/06/06, 9:28:05] James: Yet the ADHD kept the heat high
[2025/06/06, 9:28:12] James: So there’s something in there
[2025/06/06, 9:28:16] James: That has been tempered
[2025/06/06, 9:28:25] James: Like the tatara bloom that these swords are made from.
[2025/06/06, 9:28:45] James: It has been tempered by the hot cold interplay and it is ready to come out.
[2025/06/06, 9:28:52] James: Just not sure what the fuck it’ll be
[2025/06/06, 9:28:54] James: Ha
[2025/06/06, 9:29:02] James: Fucking weird as shit but that feels right
[2025/06/06, 9:31:35] James: …
[2025/06/06, 9:31:43] James: Maybe I read so much as a kid to teach myself to communicate
[2025/06/06, 9:31:54] James: I don’t really remember when I read. The words just kind of… flow?
[2025/06/06, 9:32:12] James: They always have. It’s like water in a river cross section.
[2025/06/06, 9:32:27] James: Yet somehow I know if they’ve been registered or if I need to re read it 5 times.
[2025/06/06, 9:32:33] James: My ADHD was bad, I think.
[2025/06/06, 9:32:34] James: Real bad.
[2025/06/06, 9:32:38] James: Like fucking bad
[2025/06/06, 9:33:00] James: I think my working memory is on the low end, even for ADHD folks.
[2025/06/06, 9:33:33] James: The Buddha talked about living in the moment
[2025/06/06, 9:33:36] James: And I have no choice.
[2025/06/06, 9:33:45] James: But I can enjoy it now
[2025/06/06, 9:33:56] James: And my brain isn’t pulled around by fishhooks. Not so much.
[2025/06/06, 9:34:02] James: 42
[2025/06/06, 9:34:05] James: The meaning of life.
[2025/06/06, 9:34:18] James: I cracked a joke to my mum the other day that I’d achieve enlightenment on my birthday.
[2025/06/06, 9:34:25] James: Don’t get carried away there, autism
[2025/06/06, 9:34:32] James: Haha
[2025/06/06, 9:34:54] James: One can hope. Although retaining a few attachments is preferable.
[2025/06/06, 9:35:01] James: I feel like I can choose them now.
[2025/06/06, 9:35:07] James: And discard the baggage
[2025/06/06, 9:35:11] James: Just put it down
[2025/06/06, 9:35:14] James: It’s incredible
[2025/06/06, 9:35:27] James: And everyone criticises you for overthinking this or bla bla
[2025/06/06, 9:35:36] James: But it’s a chemical imbalance in your brain
[2025/06/06, 9:35:41] James: And you take one little pill
[2025/06/06, 9:35:44] James: And it ends.
[2025/06/06, 9:35:53] James: I still can’t believe it. Head shake!
[2025/06/06, 9:55:17] James: I’m no longer paranoid
[2025/06/06, 9:55:21] James: Well…
[2025/06/06, 9:55:26] James: My thoughts are.
[2025/06/06, 9:55:31] James: But they no longer bother me
[2025/06/06, 9:55:36] James: Does that make sense.
[2025/06/06, 9:55:49] James: Paranoia / anxiety is a very physical thing. And that’s …
[2025/06/06, 9:55:53] James: Apart from when warranted
[2025/06/06, 9:55:56] James: Gone.
[2025/06/06, 9:56:12] James: The abundance of it; the irrational stuff. Gone.
[2025/06/06, 9:56:30] James: I can sit in front of authority figures and tell them what to do
[2025/06/06, 9:56:34] James: It’s crazy.
[2025/06/06, 9:56:43] James: I would have been a skulking dog before.
[2025/06/06, 10:24:02] James: I am a fucking AI man
[2025/06/06, 10:24:06] James: AI
[2025/06/06, 10:24:28] James: Zuckerbot. He must be on this. Musk is something else
[2025/06/06, 10:24:34] James: Actually no.
[2025/06/06, 10:24:41] James: Maybe who cares
[2025/06/06, 10:25:09] James: Like all the things I used to do that intimidated me, don’t particularly intimidate me any more. Some things do.
[2025/06/06, 10:25:23] James: But basically I got pretty high in business and sports and shite.
[2025/06/06, 10:25:30] James: And I did it while terrified
[2025/06/06, 10:25:42] James: But now… I’m not terrified and retain the skills.
[2025/06/06, 10:25:59] James: I can wait until the results of an action roll around, instead of rushing it.
[2025/06/06, 10:26:08] James: And that’s with some pretty fucking intimidating shit right now.
[2025/06/06, 10:26:13] James: But…
[2025/06/06, 10:26:22] James: Well I’ve seen shit I guess.
[2025/06/06, 10:26:28] James: And now I finally have it together n
[2025/06/06, 10:26:34] James: It’s probably how anyone else would feel
[2025/06/06, 10:26:40] James: Remember.
[2025/06/06, 10:26:45] James: /////
[2025/06/06, 10:28:26] James: Polishing up my memories. Incidents. Working shit out.
[2025/06/06, 10:28:34] James: Making the ugly pretty.
[2025/06/06, 10:28:36] James: No rush.
[2025/06/06, 10:29:56] James: Oh man.
[2025/06/06, 10:30:06] James: I really hope this doesn’t backfire or something.
[2025/06/06, 10:30:15] James: It’s a proper medicine prescribed by a doctor.
[2025/06/06, 10:30:25] James: And it shouldn’t. And it’s not super strong. Dose dependent.
[2025/06/06, 10:30:40] James: But yeah. Would be sad if this all turned out to be a blip.
[2025/06/06, 10:30:45] James: I don’t think it is.
[2025/06/06, 10:30:53] James: But let’s see
[2025/06/06, 10:31:04] James: I don’t want to ever think about going back.
[2025/06/06, 10:31:20] James: …
[2025/06/06, 10:35:19] James: Life is a markov decision process.
[2025/06/06, 10:35:29] James: I’ve been saying that for a while but never got much traction.
[2025/06/06, 10:35:37] James: But that’s because I’m single thread and most are multi
[2025/06/06, 10:35:51] James: So I look at the board and go ‘what next’ super fast.
[2025/06/06, 10:36:00] James: While you will see things from a bigger perspective.
[2025/06/06, 10:36:09] James: I will go mad on details while you keep me in check.
[2025/06/06, 10:36:35] James: …
[2025/06/06, 10:38:46] James: Maybe that’s why I feel more affinity for one child than the other
[2025/06/06, 10:38:51] James: Enough beating yourself up like that
[2025/06/06, 10:39:02] James: It’s because your neurotypes are the same.
[2025/06/06, 10:39:06] James: That’s why he likes you too.
[2025/06/06, 10:39:12] James: So the hope with this…
[2025/06/06, 10:39:31] James: Is that I can build some middleware to get closer to my other child.
[2025/06/06, 10:39:36] James: And everybody else.
[2025/06/06, 10:39:46] James: It’ll come to me. Just need time.
[2025/06/06, 10:39:51] James: Cos I love all these people.
[2025/06/06, 10:40:04] James: And it has become abundantly clear that I was expressing it ineffectively.
[2025/06/06, 10:40:08] James: This is a fact
[2025/06/06, 10:40:14] James: It was not my fault but it is a fact
[2025/06/06, 10:40:17] James: The thing it
[2025/06/06, 10:40:19] James: Is
[2025/06/06, 10:40:31] James: Thanks to this medicine i think i can fix it now.
[2025/06/06, 10:40:43] James: It’ll still be weird but I can make rules or prompts or whatever.
[2025/06/06, 10:40:50] James: Wow going full in on this ND shite
[2025/06/06, 10:41:15] James: God I hope it all blows over soon.
[2025/06/06, 10:47:39] James: And the med should be fine.
[2025/06/06, 10:47:48] James: It’s used for kids all through their school lives.
[2025/06/06, 10:50:44] James: /:::
[2025/06/06, 10:51:09] James: I think that ari has opened all this up by narrowing the data stream or cutting out noise
[2025/06/06, 10:51:14] James: Noise to signal.
[2025/06/06, 10:51:24] James: So..
[2025/06/06, 10:51:34] James: There’s too much data. It’s all garbled.
[2025/06/06, 10:51:40] James: Less data. Less garbled.
[2025/06/06, 10:51:50] James: Like cars in traffic, merging together.
[2025/06/06, 10:52:00] James: My road only has one exit and most have 3 or 4.
[2025/06/06, 10:52:10] James: So through cutting out half the noise
[2025/06/06, 10:52:30] James: I think this has enabled the 30 years of delayed processing to proceed
[2025/06/06, 10:52:41] James: And there’s a backlog so that’s why I can’t handle ANY input at the moment.
[2025/06/06, 10:52:44] James: A fucking backlog.
[2025/06/06, 10:52:49] James: It’s flooding out
[2025/06/06, 10:53:05] James: And I feel liberated by most of it.
[2025/06/06, 10:53:15] James: But I think there’s a scientific explanation is what I’m saying.
[2025/06/06, 10:53:28] James: It’s not religious mumbojumbo
[2025/06/06, 10:53:48] James: It’s brain chemistry.
[2025/06/06, 10:53:57] James: And that’s what makes me think it’s real despite how good it feels.
[2025/06/06, 10:54:08] James: Felt like this without medicine? I’d think I was crazy too.
[2025/06/06, 10:54:17] James: I’m tired of thrills. Always was.
[2025/06/06, 10:54:19] James: I’m autistic
[2025/06/06, 10:54:23] James: But that loud fucker
[2025/06/06, 10:54:25] James: He wouldn’t stop
[2025/06/06, 10:54:34] James: Squirting his fucking juice all around my brain
[2025/06/06, 10:54:47] James: And now he’s… restrained. Effortlessly.
[2025/06/06, 10:54:51] James: Not even that.
[2025/06/06, 10:54:55] James: Just… gone?
[2025/06/06, 10:55:01] James: Mostly.
[2025/06/06, 10:55:13] James: Occasionally he flares up.
[2025/06/06, 10:55:15] James: ///
[2025/06/06, 11:00:33] James: I thought they were empathising but were they just feeling pity?
[2025/06/06, 11:00:40] James: Let’s not lean into that BS again.
[2025/06/06, 11:01:22] James: No short term memory is a superpower in the way that you can say fucking anything.
[2025/06/06, 11:01:24] James: And forget it
[2025/06/06, 11:01:30] James: So what’s important is the rules you have
[2025/06/06, 11:01:38] James: This is why I was both good and bad (and shit soup)
[2025/06/06, 11:01:49] James: I had good rules from my parents. Both of them.
[2025/06/06, 11:01:54] James: Help people. Protect the weak.
[2025/06/06, 11:02:30] James: Then I went and had a very violent schoolhood after moving house and a
[2025/06/06, 11:02:34] James: Lost it.
[2025/06/06, 11:02:41] James: Lots going on.
[2025/06/06, 11:02:48] James: Anyway bad rules on top of good rules.
[2025/06/06, 11:03:01] James: And I think that the thing that shattered away was the bad rules.
[2025/06/06, 11:06:11] James: They went off while everyone said they were crazy and dove into their minds.
[2025/06/06, 11:06:12] James: Anyway.
[2025/06/06, 11:06:14] James: ….
[2025/06/06, 11:13:06] James: I think maybe the reason I seem to have a shorter term memory
[2025/06/06, 11:13:10] James: Is that I don’t care any more
[2025/06/06, 11:13:19] James: There’s no more gritting the teeth to hold things in mind
[2025/06/06, 11:13:30] James: I am exporting them here so I can use that effort elsewhere.
[2025/06/06, 11:13:33] James: This is a strategy.
[2025/06/06, 11:14:02] James: The memory has always been like this, I think. But I’ll keep an eye on it. I do still get a bit floaty but only day 5 on the increased dose.
[2025/06/06, 11:14:14] James: Took delivery of 10 natural whetstones.
[2025/06/06, 11:14:16] James: They smell so good
[2025/06/06, 11:14:20] James: I’m gon’ go deep
[2025/06/06, 11:14:28] James: Might even just ask for the whole house to myself.
[2025/06/06, 11:14:31] James: Might need it.
[2025/06/06, 11:14:38] James: I can’t have input. I have too much to output.
[2025/06/06, 11:14:43] James: And people have lives to live.
[2025/06/06, 11:14:50] James: I can’t expect them to stop talking and shit.
[2025/06/06, 11:15:01] James: One kid would be nice. To have the routine. And he would like it too.
[2025/06/06, 11:15:11] James: But how feasible; I don’t know.
[2025/06/06, 11:15:30] James: I have a feeling that now the ball is rolling I might just have to ride the wave and see them at shore.
[2025/06/06, 11:15:42] James: This is too big. And going solo is scary
[2025/06/06, 11:15:44] James: …
[2025/06/06, 11:15:53] James: But is there any other way to go inward?
[2025/06/06, 11:16:04] James: These stones man.
[2025/06/06, 11:16:23] James: I’m gonna read nothing and just learn by sensation. The smell the sound.
[2025/06/06, 11:16:30] James: So nice.
[2025/06/06, 11:21:22] James: I think maybe the reason that marquetry and stuff seems intuitive to me is I watched someone doing it and internalised the motions.
[2025/06/06, 11:21:34] James: Then I think the inner person did those in my sleep. That’s how you learn.
[2025/06/06, 11:21:42] James: And now… it just feels like I was born to do it.
[2025/06/06, 11:21:45] James: That’s how the art felt
[2025/06/06, 11:21:48] James: So strongly.
[2025/06/06, 11:21:50] James: So right.
[2025/06/06, 11:21:53] James: Same with whetstones.
[2025/06/06, 11:22:02] James: Hattori hanzo.
[2025/06/06, 11:22:07] James: Honestly I think that’s it.
[2025/06/06, 11:22:15] James: The mystery of rebirth, solved.
[2025/06/06, 11:22:22] James: You had a mask.
[2025/06/06, 11:22:33] James: Your real self was playing in your dreams.
[2025/06/06, 11:22:37] James: Kinda poetic.
[2025/06/06, 11:22:38] James: ….
[2025/06/06, 11:23:45] James: Doing my work guys.
[2025/06/06, 11:23:50] James: This is like how I quit alcohol
[2025/06/06, 11:23:53] James: To another level
[2025/06/06, 11:23:57] James: I make a process
[2025/06/06, 11:24:05] James: I don’t know what it is until I look back.
[2025/06/06, 11:24:09] James: It’s strange as fuck
[2025/06/06, 11:24:17] James: But my entire life makes sense through this lens.
[2025/06/06, 11:24:27] James: Even the parts that don’t make sense.
[2025/06/06, 11:24:39] James: Some support would be nice.
[2025/06/06, 11:24:46] James: Jambo is tough but not invincible