So for the last 2 months I have slept less than 2 hours a day, because of aripiprazole.
Aripirazole - overnight - removed all my bodily awareness, hunger signalling, tiredness signalling, and cranked my dopamine and serotonin up so I was super focused, super motivated, and felt sharp and crisp and clear despite being delusional. It gave me constant, painful non-convulsive seizures and had me writing pseudo-religious texts online at an astronomical rate. It changed my behaviour completely and made me into Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, with my nighttime persona being something new.
The doctor and loads of shite online said this was ‘bringing out my autism’ but that was a bald-faced lie. They had drugged me and couldn’t see that they were killing me.
I could though, and somehow got back to earth. I’m still not sure how I managed it, because my mind was not my own and I hadn’t been in control for a long time. These drugs and the narrative had progressively destroyed who I was, and the only thing that brought me back was my internal meditator.
The drugs did however make me high as fuck, cranking up the dopamine and serotonin and making me see god. I probably have a type of epilepsy which makes me intuit fate or the divine or dejavu, but these drugs made me hallucinate. I was the ship, and we were in a sim, and I still believe these things to be true but am reintegrating them; the ship is me and the inhabitants are my constituent parts.
I believe that we should be able to achieve equilibrium through mostly behavioural interventions. The buddha did just this, and he said that it was achievable by anyone, through hard work. Nobody can do it for you. Not that doctor. Probably not that joint, either, James. But I think the buddha had audhd and maybe FLE and figured out a solution.
Anyway what these drugs do is push you into a state of elevated dopamine or serotonin or lowered norepinephrine or whatever. The vast majority of these states are achievable through behaviours; we just don’t realise we are doing them. Going for a walk to blow off some steam, shitting on the page with freeform journalling, humming and chanting and vibrations and deep music. All of these affect the chemical layout of your brain, but do so in a far more controlled, progressive and holistic manner.
These drugs… it’s like you have a carefully balanced house of cards and someone sticks a concrete pillar on one side. It’s going to affect the entire system and throw everything out of balance. Don’t get me wrong - I love drugs - but occasional or even daily recreational drugs and ‘meds’ which you take on a permanent basis are very different kettles of fish.
The mind can only be observed from within. I tried to get that across in the 88hells and the subsequent writing. My insanity encapsulated website is what I was compelled to build when I was ‘coming into my true self’ on these drugs and you can make your own judgement on which mental state was more sane and safe and sober. I have not read that website myself; I think it was an export of my old neuroses.
So my brain chemistry is a bit fucked, ok. I get it. And you won’t let me self-medicate with gentle tokes on a joint throughout the day because… I don’t know why. But you will pump me full of class-a drugs that are mislabelled ‘no risk of abuse’ because some scientific paper from 50 years ago said they were good and safe?
Fuck off. I’ll do it myself. Go back to your fucking paper, Mr Method. Go to your big group of friends and try to get them to back you up because you know you’re fucking wrong and have to bring in the numbers, once again. Weak.
I am the sculptor and I am the clay and I survived your chemical torture. Now I’ll find a better way.
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