So unfortunately I’m not enlightened; I gained a brief glimpse thanks to some chemical assistance, but those same chemicals were killing me so had to go.
Now I know that it is possible though.
Now I know what it feels like, and what to aim for. I am what you would call a stream-enterer in theravada buddhism; I have seen the truth and there can be no unseeing it.
The truth is that desire gives way to craving gives way to suffering, and our entire world nowadays runs on trying to making you crave things. Human beings are nothing more than fuel for the balance sheet; we are programmed to consume from our toddler years, with products masquerading as TV shows masquerading as education material.
I am no different and I am subject to the same desires as everyone else. Stronger desires than the majority of people, because of my chemical makeup. Yet still, I had a glimpse of ego dissolution, and I have come to think I can achieve it through other sustainable and controllable means.
So I’m going to find them.
I will continue meditating for several hours a day. My job is going to be knife making, but I will not actively sell them myself lest the money become the goal.
It is in our nature to crave. If you give a monkey one banana, then next time it will need two. I would need twenty. I think it’s because I am a rapid flusher of certain liver enzymes, but that remains to be seen.
All I know is that I only control that first drink.
So I will avoid that first drink.
Cannabis get a pass. For now. Inaccessible as it is.
But if the facts say it doesn’t help, then it will go the same way.
The freedom of mind and the sheer joy I felt when I was an empty vessel filled with the universe is impossible to put into words.
“He who has control over his hands, feet and tongue; who is fully controlled, delights in inward development, is absorbed in meditation, keeps to himself and is contented — him do people call a monk.”
I am a monk.
A new kind of monk. A bit of a loud monk. But a monk. And I will be finding my own way through this.
Because the b-man was right. Dopamine variability is a bitch. It hurts.
So I will be trying to find more stimulating types of meditation which are compatible with my untameable mind. The tiger must play, and I will find some toys.
I will make a new page for my own progress and experiments and share things as openly as always.
I have a unique blank slate. I will not get sucked back into the world.
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