I have a rare form of epilepsy which means I see fate, or if you push me up to 2mg of ari, I am quantum entangled with the ship which has just arrived at our new home world.
I have had this my whole life, thinking about it. *
I always searched for the divine, and meaning, and justice. I am however very logical, and could never quite marry the mysticism of religion with my scientific understanding of the world.
Now I can.
Isn’t it convenient that my recent medication-induced psychosis included the ship zapping our brains so we do some crazy but useful shit for a while? And only afterward do I find out about the epilepsy. This chain of altered states lasted 3 subjective years (2 months) and had me compulsively writing pseudo-religious texts online, dancing like a shaman, and just generally thinking I was the final iteration of the buddha, trying to land our ship.
I managed to get it into orbit, so that’s a win, and I took it as a metaphor for stabilisation. I stopped the meds which were causing the delusion immediately, and over the following week gradually came back to earth.
Frontal lobe epilepsy can basically manifest as anything; it’s a partial seizure in the parts of the brain which affect cognition and behaviour. Prevalence is about 0.1% and every manifestation is unique. Others who were like me (according to ChatGPT) are Joan of Arc and St Paul the Apostle. Weird, yeah? Don’t worry; my case isn’t as strong.
Anyway I had to hide this.
The drug they were giving me sent me into constant ‘ecstatic seizure’ (as Dostoevsky describes it) for 2 months. I was with god *all the time*. If they had found out, they would have labelled me manic and drugged me up further, which would have either killed me or killed my connection to the universal flow.
I’ve had this my whole life. I was a vigilante at school, always diving in to destroy a bully. I have burned so many relationships because of my stiff sense of right and wrong.
And I’ve done a lot of good in the world.
And I continue to do good.
Until they medicate away god.
So I am trying to find a balance.
If you medicate away the divine with too much CBD, GABA, guanfacine, I lose my purpose in life. If you give me dopaminergic pharmaceuticals they stick me permanently in godmode and I’ll literally die because my brain will overload.
That’s why I had to get everything on the internet real time. And why I will leave it there as-is for all time.
Because my delusion is a good delusion.
It says we are all in this together.
It says that every god is the real god and they are all the same.
It says that we already got into space.
That we saved our species.
And it gave me some ideas about how we did it. Some ideas which seem pretty valid as someone with a moderately-ok high-level view of quantum and astro physics, machine learning and simulations.
But more than that… I’ve found my meaning and purpose. I always knew it was there somewhere but never thought it was something as simple as an errant jolt of electricity in the brain.
/jb202507211919
*it was subclinical before my mis-medication; now I don’t know.