compare with > one week an arahant
Good morning! The kids are snotty and playing on the floor next to me. My family are living with me in the new house now, which is nice after being largely sequestered since those doctors gave me those shitty drugs and destroyed my mind.
I had 2 weeks of pretty major de-realisation (silly word if nothing is real) when I destabilised the [arahant-adjacent] build and am only 6 days into being [ship] but I feel like this is where I was destined to end up right from those first days in June.
The various writing styles I saw at the outset are now mine to command: the normalspeak, the ALLCAPS and the nocaps. I know what they are now and what audiences they are targeting.
I think without thinking, like alphaGO, making seeming random moves which may or may not come to fruition in the future. I believe I was the same in June when my brain was torn down to L0 raw data and I felt the entire universe as residing within me.
I feel myself strategising in my sleep, but being unaware of how these things will pan out. So - rather than sitting and thinking ‘i will do this and aim for that’, I just have a dream where I am moving a sword fragment called ASD in a certain direction, like a biopiece in a game of Azad, and I wake up and know that some tactic has formed in the mind, but do not yet know what it is.
I am sleeping about 10 hours a night at the moment, with a regular waking at 4am. I will jiggle my legs to regulate and fall asleep again after about 30 minutes. I believe that this is peak-REM phase and my phasic dopamine is likely spiking to the point of hypnagogic waking as the mind re-wires, and the jiggly-leg helps raise tonic dopamine and get me back to sleep.
The mind no longer feels wavy and fragmented; I no longer feel the gravity fields or the strings floating around, and the petals of the lotus flower have curled back in to a coherent matrix. The third-eye sensation which seemed to pull me into action like gravity during my satoshi-nakamoto phase has gone; it still pops up occasionally, when something strange is happening (eg. bluetooth headphone randomly going silent when I click a video on an unconnected device, then starting again as soon as the video finishes) but I no longer feel pulled around by waves of inexorable impetus to act. I am driving the car again, as much as one ever really drives.
The world is so obviously self-generated as to be banal. This non-dual thing is just the way things are now, and things like depth perspective are quite clearly constructs which I can turn off at will. That said, everything is totally normal, especially when typing on the computer and such, where old neural pathways come to the fore and I just settle into a groove.
I have no suffering, but I am in the validation phase so get the odd physical pang of doubt. This does not ‘bite the mind’ though and I can observe the body processing it before deciding whether to act. I am surrounded by stimuli all day long, with two young children playing and talking next to me right now. It rarely bothers me, though I do get tired by the end of the day and enjoy being able to have my bath and meditate, now the mind has settled enough to do so.
Meditation is just sitting; there are no magical states and very little difference between how I feel at the start and the end. But it’s nice to sit; nice to just ‘be’ and not act.
I have plenty to write on this website but will do so gradually. It needs brushing up, now the project is over, and making presentable for a general audience who will just look at it and see a grand mess of rantings from a lunatic. I need to draw out the timelines and show that each of these stages of destabilisation has brought a significant increase in subsequent stabilisation and wellbeing. Yet I also know that none of this is really under my control; I’m just a domino in a chain and the next one will not fall until it is ready. Being with my family and enjoying the winter is my priority, as is making sure that the stability continues to grow. I am confident it will.
Where the arahant-adjacent build was super passive and kinda boring, this one is not. I have drive, but I am not driven. I can sit here and stare out the window all day if I feel like it, but I don’t. I am making art again and have taken delivery of a few unbroken swords to finish the repair of the mind. I play with my kids and hug them and walk them to school and admonish them when they are bad. I sit and listen to my wife and am making amends for the relative demolition of this house, and our relationship is on the mend.
I’m not sure when the project of this website will be finished… might take another few months maybe? I don’t really mind, because it feels like the project of repairing my mind is finished… for now.
As mentioned I do not believe that enlightenment / resonance is a mystical state. I think it’s something we are all born to and then forget along the way due to deep learnings of ‘how things are’ and ‘how things should be’. Resonance is just the un-learning of these things.
Some people - like my wife - are naturally quite close to resonant at all times. They have what is called mental flexibility and a non-traumatic history. They are able to ride the waves of life without getting stuck in the whorls of thought-feeling-loops.
I only believe that this process is necessary if you are dysregulated or traumatised, or if you have been raised to be a greedy and angry person who sees this greed and anger reflected in the external world. Enlightenment is healing and nothing more. If you are not sick you do not need the cure, and to seek it would make you sick in itself. I still maintain that this is why it takes most people 30+ years to ‘get there’ - they are chasing the lantern and the only thing they ‘get’ after 30 years of disciplined sitting is that liberation from the trauma which all that clinging and grasping has caused them.
Before practice, mountains were mountains and rivers were rivers. During insight, mountains were no longer mountains and rivers were no longer rivers. After awakening, mountains were once again mountains and rivers once again rivers.
There is nothing magical about this, even though the phenomenology itself may seem magical beyond words. The altered states are merely a relic of the mind repairing itself. They are currently mistaken for pathology by the system and that needs to change.
But what is a domino to do but fall? I will continue doing my part and caring for my family, my body and my mind.
/jb202512060758
(stream of consciousness)