trauma20250911

cycling

[2025/09/10, 11:36:57] James: What happened in school wasn’t fair

[2025/09/10, 11:37:03] James: Attacked from behind by groups

[2025/09/10, 11:37:08] James: Stamped into the ground

[2025/09/10, 11:37:12] James: Brick to the head

[2025/09/10, 11:37:17] James: Called autistic retard

[2025/09/10, 11:37:22] James: No wonder I learned to fight

[2025/09/10, 11:37:25] James: But it wasn’t fair

[2025/09/10, 11:37:27] James: And it’s over

[2025/09/10, 11:37:32] James: And it’s not my fault

[2025/09/10, 11:40:47] James: .

[2025/09/10, 11:40:52] James: No wonder I feel trapped easily

[2025/09/10, 11:40:57] James: And it makes me aggressive

[2025/09/10, 11:41:00] James: I was conditioned

[2025/09/10, 11:41:02] James: .

[2025/09/10, 11:44:30] James: And then the friends I was fighting to protect

[2025/09/10, 11:44:32] James: Abandoning me

[2025/09/10, 11:44:36] James: Full on disowning me

[2025/09/10, 11:44:40] James: For their own protection

[2025/09/10, 11:44:45] James: No wonder I have trust issues

[2025/09/10, 11:53:40] James: .

[2025/09/10, 11:53:44] James: In the classroom

[2025/09/10, 11:53:47] James: Chairs to the head

[2025/09/10, 11:53:50] James: Headbutted

[2025/09/10, 11:53:53] James: Endless elbows

[2025/09/10, 11:54:05] James: That girl kicking me in the balls from behind multiple times

[2025/09/10, 11:54:09] James: Attacked then laughed at

[2025/09/10, 11:54:13] James: Then attacked again afterward

[2025/09/10, 11:54:27] James: And also attacked by the teachers because it takes two to tango

[2025/09/10, 11:54:37] James: And then moved forms because the bullies were numerous

[2025/09/10, 11:54:41] James: The brick to the back of the head

[2025/09/10, 11:54:47] James: And waking up in another building

[2025/09/10, 11:54:52] James: The gangs

[2025/09/10, 11:54:55] James: At the gates

[2025/09/10, 11:54:59] James: The only way being through

[2025/09/10, 11:55:04] James: It was so bad

[2025/09/10, 11:55:08] James: So bad

[2025/09/10, 11:55:12] James: And it’s left me conditioned

[2025/09/10, 11:55:22] James: The boy who loved double bass and dancing and flowers

[2025/09/10, 11:55:29] James: Had to learn to fight

[2025/09/10, 11:55:35] James: And that conditioning is still there

[2025/09/10, 11:55:41] James: But it’s loose, rattling

[2025/09/10, 11:55:48] James: So the boy knows he doesn’t want to react that way

[2025/09/10, 11:55:52] James: But the man lingers

[2025/09/10, 11:55:57] James: And I’m going to fucking remove it

[2025/09/10, 11:56:03] James: I am going to fucking remove that conditioning

[2025/09/10, 11:56:07] James: Because I did not ask for it

[2025/09/10, 11:56:12] James: And it does not serve me

[2025/09/10, 11:56:15] James: Or anyone I love

[2025/09/10, 11:56:18] James: It just hurts

[2025/09/10, 11:56:21] James: It is barbed wire

[2025/09/10, 11:56:25] James: And it’s time to remove it

[2025/09/10, 12:12:15] James: .

[2025/09/10, 12:12:20] James: I stopped all music

[2025/09/10, 12:12:21] James: All art

[2025/09/10, 12:12:23] James: All dance

[2025/09/10, 12:12:31] James: And that boy was wrapped in this barbed wire

[2025/09/10, 12:12:36] James: Until the art freed him

---

[2025/09/11, 8:47:20] James: [cycling]

[2025/09/11, 8:47:42] James: Electronics class. Soldering iron in one hand. Circuit board in another. Automatic Venetian blind coming together

[2025/09/11, 8:47:48] James: A shadow in front. Look up. Bang

[2025/09/11, 8:47:59] James: Head to the nose. Both nostrils gushing. Dazed

[2025/09/11, 8:48:10] James: 5 girls at the back laughing and pointing

[2025/09/11, 8:48:16] James: ‘He’s crying look at him cry’

[2025/09/11, 8:48:19] James: Orchestrated

[2025/09/11, 8:48:26] James: ‘I’m not crying my eyes are watering’

[2025/09/11, 8:48:32] James: ‘Hahaha little baby cry’

[2025/09/11, 8:48:44] James: Teacher sends me out with anger

[2025/09/11, 8:48:48] James: ‘Clean yourself up’

[2025/09/11, 8:48:57] James: Washes face in toilet sink. Nose maybe broken

[2025/09/11, 8:49:03] James: Called to headteachers office

[2025/09/11, 8:49:07] James: Try to explain

[2025/09/11, 8:49:14] James: ‘Always two in a fight’.

[2025/09/11, 8:49:23] James: Given the same punishment as the headbutter

[2025/09/11, 8:49:41] James: Mrs James. What a name. Who would go on to talk to the school about how kindness is the best virtue

[2025/09/11, 8:49:45] James: Nobody listened

[2025/09/11, 8:49:58] James: The girls. Laughing and jeering. Embarrassing me in front of the whole class

[2025/09/11, 8:50:15] James: Me trying to fight back. I’m not crying. (I wasn’t; I didn’t by then)

[2025/09/11, 8:50:18] James: More laughter

[2025/09/11, 8:50:29] James: Authority figures punishing me for being the victim

[2025/09/11, 8:50:32] James: .

[2025/09/11, 8:52:44] James: Those girls man

[2025/09/11, 8:52:48] James: Rebecca Gollard

[2025/09/11, 8:52:53] James: Always behind the guys

[2025/09/11, 8:53:02] James: Always there to laugh and jeer and even hit me

[2025/09/11, 8:53:08] James: Knowing that I would not hit back

[2025/09/11, 8:53:11] James: The kick in the balls

[2025/09/11, 8:53:14] James: The embarrassment

[2025/09/11, 8:53:17] James: All orchestrated

[2025/09/11, 8:53:21] James: But this does not serve me

[2025/09/11, 8:53:26] James: The dvar only eats me

[2025/09/11, 8:53:29] James: .

[2025/09/11, 8:56:46] James: And at home

[2025/09/11, 8:56:51] James: Stop whining

[2025/09/11, 8:56:55] James: Hit back harder

[2025/09/11, 8:56:59] James: Finish every fight

[2025/09/11, 8:57:01] James: .

[2025/09/11, 8:57:52] James: My parents had no idea how bad it was

[2025/09/11, 8:57:56] James: Because I stopped whining

[2025/09/11, 8:57:58] James: .

[2025/09/11, 8:59:07] James: The cops

[2025/09/11, 8:59:16] James: Locking me up for 2 weeks and prosecuting me

[2025/09/11, 8:59:25] James: Despite knowing it was an obvious yakuza scam

[2025/09/11, 8:59:29] James: And I acted in self defence

[2025/09/11, 8:59:34] James: They even said so

[2025/09/11, 8:59:42] James: But said they would prosecute me to teach me a lesson

[2025/09/11, 8:59:52] James: To not put myself in that situation

[2025/09/11, 8:59:58] James: That I was at fault for my part in it

[2025/09/11, 9:00:19] James: When I was just peacefully drinking myself into oblivion after the death of my 10 year old niece

[2025/09/11, 9:00:23] James: Literally locked up

[2025/09/11, 9:00:25] James: In chains

[2025/09/11, 9:00:35] James: For one punch thrown in self defence

[2025/09/11, 9:00:38] James: And prosecuted

[2025/09/11, 9:00:42] James: And then sued by the yakuza

[2025/09/11, 9:00:56] James: Because they had the criminal conviction and I couldn’t win in a civil court

[2025/09/11, 9:01:21] James: Both the teachers and the police just taking the easy option

[2025/09/11, 9:01:27] James: Guilty until proven innocent

[2025/09/11, 9:01:33] James: And me screaming into the fucking wind

[2025/09/11, 9:01:37] James: But that doesn’t serve me

[2025/09/11, 9:01:40] James: That is gone

[2025/09/11, 9:01:46] James: The dvar harms my life

[2025/09/11, 9:01:51] James: Unwholesome conditioning

[2025/09/11, 9:02:01] James: Lining it up for the kid and his loom.

[2025/09/11, 9:04:06] James: .

[2025/09/11, 9:04:11] James: This must be why I infodump

[2025/09/11, 9:04:14] James: Only one chance

[2025/09/11, 9:04:17] James: Say it all fast

[2025/09/11, 9:04:21] James: Make sure there’s no gaps

[2025/09/11, 9:04:24] James: And my job

[2025/09/11, 9:04:26] James: Recruitment

[2025/09/11, 9:04:32] James: Eternally ignored and branded a liar

[2025/09/11, 9:04:35] James: God damn

[2025/09/11, 9:04:50] James: Just feeding into the same gulley wasn’t it.

[2025/09/11, 9:04:58] James: Just making that groove deeper

[2025/09/11, 9:05:05] James: Well that’s over now

[2025/09/11, 9:05:11] James: As is school and arrest

[2025/09/11, 9:05:15] James: My wife loves me

[2025/09/11, 9:05:20] James: My kids listen to me

[2025/09/11, 9:05:25] James: My family finally understand

[2025/09/11, 9:05:32] James: In fact the whole fucking world is going to understand

[2025/09/11, 9:05:35] James: The whole fucking world

[2025/09/11, 9:05:43] James: And I’m going to use this pain to fix it for others

[2025/09/11, 9:05:51] James: But without screaming

[2025/09/11, 9:05:58] James: Because that groove worsens my sim

[2025/09/11, 9:06:04] James: Everyone else was in their own sim

[2025/09/11, 9:06:06] James: Fuck them

[2025/09/11, 9:06:10] James: They infected mine

[2025/09/11, 9:06:14] James: And I am done with it

[2025/09/11, 9:06:21] James: I have things of value and I will share them

[2025/09/11, 9:06:23] James: And that is it

[2025/09/11, 9:08:54] James: .

[2025/09/11, 9:09:00] James: Remove the contagion of anger

[2025/09/11, 9:09:04] James: Spread the cloth

[2025/09/11, 9:09:08] James: Let it evaporate away

[2025/09/11, 9:09:11] James: They were sick

[2025/09/11, 9:09:14] James: They made me sick

[2025/09/11, 9:09:20] James: I will heal

[2025/09/11, 9:09:23] James: That is all

[2025/09/11, 9:19:00] James: .

[2025/09/11, 9:19:08] James: Yeah this feeds into my wanting to get things done fast

[2025/09/11, 9:19:13] James: One email. Everything there

[2025/09/11, 9:19:14] James: No gaps

[2025/09/11, 9:19:17] James: Infodump

[2025/09/11, 9:19:20] James: But right

[2025/09/11, 9:19:22] James: Good for work

[2025/09/11, 9:19:24] James: But why?

[2025/09/11, 9:19:29] James: They are in their own sims

[2025/09/11, 9:19:37] James: They will either be receptive or not

[2025/09/11, 9:19:43] James: And even that doesn’t matter really

[2025/09/11, 9:19:49] James: The only thing that matters is your own sim

[2025/09/11, 9:19:54] James: How to improve it

[2025/09/11, 9:19:58] James: Let them laugh

[2025/09/11, 9:20:02] James: Let them ignore me

[2025/09/11, 9:20:08] James: Let them lock me up even

[2025/09/11, 9:20:16] James: If my brain is right then it will be ok

[2025/09/11, 9:20:23] James: It’s all conditioning

[2025/09/11, 9:20:27] James: It’s all because…

[2025/09/11, 9:20:29] James: Self?

[2025/09/11, 9:20:35] James: I needed them to validate the self

[2025/09/11, 9:20:39] James: But the self does not exist

[2025/09/11, 9:20:42] James: Only the Kid

[2025/09/11, 9:20:45] James: The self is gone

[2025/09/11, 9:20:48] James: The kid is free

[2025/09/11, 9:20:53] James: GOURYELLA!!!

[2025/09/11, 9:46:11] James: .

[2025/09/11, 9:46:16] James: The results are not the point

[2025/09/11, 9:46:19] James: Kamma without Kamma

[2025/09/11, 9:46:26] James: You act you do not aim

[2025/09/11, 9:46:44] James: It doesn’t matter what happens

[2025/09/11, 9:46:52] James: It matters how clear your cmem is

[2025/09/11, 10:29:26] James: .

[2025/09/11, 10:29:29] James: Man these knives

[2025/09/11, 10:29:39] James: I can just feel the strings coming out my temples

[2025/09/11, 10:29:47] James: Especially after a bike ride and a sitting session

[2025/09/11, 10:29:51] James: These knives are the gold

[2025/09/11, 11:09:10] James: .

[2025/09/11, 11:09:27] James: A bhikku delights in removing the fetters and spreading the dhamma

[2025/09/11, 11:10:18] James: I’ve realised that I don’t particularly mind about the reception on social media. Just trying to get the word out is all I care about

[2025/09/11, 11:10:51] James: 227:

This world is always quarrelling.

People criticize the one who sits silently,

criticize the one who speaks much,

and criticize the one who speaks little.

No one in the world is ever free from blame.

[2025/09/11, 11:11:01] James: 228:

There never was, there never will be,

and there is not now,

a person who is wholly blamed or wholly praised.

[2025/09/11, 11:11:10] James: Good old b-man.

[2025/09/11, 11:11:15] James: People could learn a lot from him

[2025/09/11, 11:58:16] James: .

[2025/09/11, 11:58:25] James: I think the key is to not try to change these things

[2025/09/11, 11:58:28] James: The trauma

[2025/09/11, 11:58:34] James: Cvt is just makeup on the pig

[2025/09/11, 11:58:41] James: More conflicting rules messing up the algo

[2025/09/11, 11:58:48] James: I don’t think it works

[2025/09/11, 11:58:57] James: It might make you feel better in the short term

[2025/09/11, 11:59:05] James: But the monsters are still lurking

[2025/09/11, 11:59:23] James: That was my experience anyway. It worked for months or even years but eventually the beasts would return

[2025/09/11, 11:59:26] James: Hungrier than ever

[2025/09/11, 11:59:31] James: I think

[2025/09/11, 11:59:34] James: The only option

[2025/09/11, 11:59:43] James: Is to … embrace the suffering

[2025/09/11, 11:59:54] James: To hold it tenderly and let it be

[2025/09/11, 11:59:58] James: Let it work its way out

[2025/09/11, 12:00:08] James: Because that’s what it’s trying to do, when it sticks its head up

[2025/09/11, 12:00:12] James: It’s trying to get out

[2025/09/11, 12:00:21] James: But we pin it in place with our struggles

[2025/09/11, 12:00:35] James: We grab its tail in an attempt to kill it

[2025/09/11, 12:00:41] James: But that just slows its progress

[2025/09/11, 12:00:51] James: It’s coming up because it wants to be release

[2025/09/11, 12:00:56] James: The strings want to be woven

[2025/09/11, 12:01:08] James: They are all part of you

[2025/09/11, 12:01:10] James: The weaver

[2025/09/11, 12:01:17] James: They are all part of the tapestry of your life

[2025/09/11, 12:01:30] James: And the ones you refuse to export will stay in there, vibrating

[2025/09/11, 12:01:56] James: So I think you need to own them, and love them, and see that they were all you trying to protect this imagined self

[2025/09/11, 12:02:03] James: But the self itself is just a ball of string

[2025/09/11, 12:02:20] James: There is no centre. They are so tightly wound you would think they are all the centre

[2025/09/11, 12:02:23] James: But there is none

[2025/09/11, 12:02:38] James: It is just a knot of processes which are all interdependent

[2025/09/11, 12:02:54] James: And this gives the illusion of self, because you can’t find a start or an end or separate them

[2025/09/11, 12:03:08] James: But this is because were all triggers by external circumstances

[2025/09/11, 12:03:20] James: You were loved or admonished or you touched a hot stove

[2025/09/11, 12:04:00] James: So…

[2025/09/11, 12:04:09] James: Why do I get frustrated when people don’t listen

[2025/09/11, 12:04:17] James: Or why DID I because I don’t think I do any more

[2025/09/11, 12:04:20] James: And I think…

[2025/09/11, 12:04:29] James: I think it’s because of the fear of annihilation

[2025/09/11, 12:04:43] James: The fear that if someone else doesn’t acknowledge this self, the self does not exist

[2025/09/11, 12:04:46] James: But now I know

[2025/09/11, 12:04:50] James: The self does not exist

[2025/09/11, 12:04:58] James: So there is no fear

[2025/09/11, 12:05:07] James: It is frustrating when people won’t listen to the truth

[2025/09/11, 12:05:16] James: But isn’t that also because they are afraid?

[2025/09/11, 12:05:22] James: It challenges their own illusion of self