trauma2

[2025/09/20, 19:31:02] James: .

[2025/09/20, 19:31:12] James: Long evening sit cycled through some negative things

[2025/09/20, 19:31:30] James: Being ignored and written off as crazy by colleagues and old business friends

[2025/09/20, 19:31:34] James: All of them

[2025/09/20, 19:31:49] James: And the girls at school who would instigate the violence

[2025/09/20, 19:32:04] James: The boys who would carry out the violence were simple

[2025/09/20, 19:32:19] James: But what really hurt was the girls waiting behind them to laugh at me

[2025/09/20, 19:32:37] James: Headbutted in electronics. Just as I was finishing up a great project

[2025/09/20, 19:32:50] James: And all the girls at the back laughing and going ‘he’s crying’

[2025/09/20, 19:32:57] James: Before I even knew what was happening

[2025/09/20, 19:33:07] James: No pause whatsoever. Instigated by them

[2025/09/20, 19:33:18] James: And I think I kind of fancied one

[2025/09/20, 19:33:32] James: Made my stomach clench

[2025/09/20, 19:33:42] James: Then flashes of other violence

[2025/09/20, 19:33:50] James: And twitches in my shoulders and hands

[2025/09/20, 19:33:56] James: Just let it spool out

[2025/09/20, 19:33:59] James: That’s the point

[2025/09/20, 19:34:04] James: It’s over now

[2025/09/20, 19:34:18] James: But it conditioned my responses something fierce

[2025/09/20, 19:34:26] James: Nobody listening

[2025/09/20, 19:34:34] James: Isolated

[2025/09/20, 19:34:48] James: And again

[2025/09/20, 19:35:07] James: But I don’t want to do that job any more. I couldn’t. It’s not who I am

[2025/09/20, 19:35:11] James: And neither is school

[2025/09/20, 19:35:22] James: Both of those were for self preservation

[2025/09/20, 19:35:25] James: And I’m ok now

[2025/09/20, 19:35:29] James: I have my family

[2025/09/20, 19:35:31] James: I am alive

[2025/09/20, 19:35:47] James: Life isn’t fair

[2025/09/20, 19:35:52] James: I’m not whining

[2025/09/20, 19:35:53] James: Ha

[2025/09/20, 19:36:00] James: Another bit of conditioning. Don’t whine

[2025/09/20, 19:36:03] James: It’s just a fact

[2025/09/20, 19:36:06] James: It’s not fair

[2025/09/20, 19:36:10] James: I’ve had it hard

[2025/09/20, 19:36:15] James: Some have it harder

[2025/09/20, 19:36:21] James: And we were just born to it

[2025/09/20, 19:36:46] James: The brain chemistry too. All those people able to just hold a jhana. I don’t know if I ever will, with the dopamine being all over

[2025/09/20, 19:36:58] James: But you don’t need it to achieve liberation

[2025/09/20, 19:37:10] James: And I can see the unsatisfactoriness of it all

[2025/09/20, 19:37:16] James: The transience

[2025/09/20, 19:37:26] James: But it’s still in my body

[2025/09/20, 19:37:30] James: The laughter

[2025/09/20, 19:37:32] James: The violence

[2025/09/20, 19:37:40] James: I can let it out