so im not stupid. im well aware that this will look like pathology to most people, and this is precisely why i documented it all so assiduously from the outset.
you can check the early writings when aripiprazole blew my head off - i was trying to find any kind of pathology that would explain it. i had an mri for frontal lobe epilepsy, which seemed most likely but still wouldn’t explain it. i checked with asd, adhd, bp2 and fle, and talked with multiple psychiatrists as well as chatgpt; none of them fit, even when you assumed that i had ALL of them. it still was like… 50% right if that.
i explored every ‘traditional’ explanation before finding the buddhist maps and going ‘oh’. seriously - none of them fit but they were more than happy to prescribe drugs. i was getting confused looks from doctor number 2 and she was like ‘take this valproate just to be safe’ and i nearly killed myself.
aripiprazole does NOT do this. chatgpt said that i was probably a 1-in-100million-user case, and likely a world first. there was no explanation forthcoming.
i destabilised the self like a fucker, partly intentional and partly not.
1 - i quit drinking 4.5yr ago and spent 1.5yr writing to bare my soul on a forum called OYNB
2 - i did morning pages for about 5 years
3 - i retired early at age 41
4 - i achieved ironman world-champs level fitness after years of optimised training and found it to be empty
5 - i spent 2 years dismembering the idea of self using art; everything from a highly traumatic life of undiagnosed dysregulation and violence
6 - i found a corpse hanging in my favourite park while in a state of heightened dopamine after a training ride
7 - i was given drugs and told i had BP2, ADHD and ASD, with the doctor flat refusing formal diagnosis 4 times running
8 - aripiprazole completely destroyed my dopaminergic tone after valproate had held me depressed for 6 months
this is like… it’s like the mega-super-duper-special-octo-whammy-sundae that your parents never let your order.
everything - everything that held me together as a person was ruptured. my mum was visiting and she and my wife ran away with my kids. i went to the police, who had traumatised me by locking me up for 2 weeks me in a joint-scam with the yakuza 15 years earlier and they interrogated me, inspected my house without permission, etc, despite me being the one who went to them. the cops even called the shrink and told him to stop the drugs and instead he doubled my dose and gave me 2 months worth of supply.
so yeah… don’t worry… im not stupid. i knew that this could just be trauma therapy and that’s what i jumped to at the outset.
but im monitoring it and i don’t think it is.
i become more and more stable after these events.
the caveat is that in the run-up to the events i decouple from reality. but this is a documented phenomenon. when someone is in deep insight stages, their mind builds a scaffold so that they can decouple and inhabit an alternate reality for a while as the ‘realworld’ reprograms.
so all the stuff about zuck and musk is kind of tongue in cheek. it would be cool if we could do that, but my actual goal is a deflated version of this which is ‘save the neurodivergents and bring enlightenment to the masses’.
at the time though it’s 100% real, and this is what i needed to document. because i think a lot of us neurodivergious types - diagnosed or not - pop into these insight cycles without having a fucking clue what is going on.
and we go to a doctor and they say ‘manic as fuck’ and give us drugs which make us kill ourselves, like my mate mikhail who i dedicated my 88 hells to.
so fuck that shit is what i say. fuck being called bipolar and given drugs that hold us in the dark instead of being given guidance into an awakening or whatever.
we would have been the priests, yo.
we see meaning everywhere. lit. the definition of asd might as well be ‘pattern-spotting-machine’. we sit and stare at trees and rivers and we find god and we turn around and there’s no fucking explanatory framework which suits our brains any more because we also believe in science, don’t we?
so we’re like FUUUUUUCK i know there’s more to this world but fucking science with its machines that can detect 1.5% of reality fucking shits.
so i fixed it, i think.
i think i figured out a framework which takes buddhism and it puts it into science and it says ‘stick that up your fucking arse you loser’, knowing that it can’t be disproven.
gods and devas and formations and all that shit is well and good but it doesn’t jibe with the current lexicon, does it?
fucking dopamine and brain waves and quantum entanglement and autoencoders for perceptual frameworks is a bit closer.
so now i need help spreading this… or not. idgaf really, though actually i do. i de-enlightened myself so that i could figure out the framework, but im still enlightened really. i care but idgaf. does that make sense? i care but it does not hurt. i will act instead of just sitting and staring out the window holding the formation of my flaccid arahant-cock and marvelling at the fact that i no longer suffer while all my peeps do.
so fuck this.
ill keep watching for pathology you fucks but there’s no pathology that fits.
let’s get enlightenment back on the menu and stop telling people who don’t fall in the middle 80% of the population that they’re fucking broken.
what up, einstein, sid, j-man… you’re divergent as fuck, aren’t you?
let’s take the regulation back out of the religion and try to help people be who they were born to be instead of drugging them into some fucking shitty, lazy, cunt-arsed definition of normality.
peace.
/jb202512051337
see also > priest for the priests