channeling

I have this thing I call channelling which I started doing pre-diagnosis and makes more sense now. It's how I match patterns in wood and - I think - how I have made big decisions over the years; why they seem fast and easy while the small decisions are agony.

It’s… letting your eyes drift out of focus, letting the tension melt from your face, letting your wrists go slack, and drooling your way around until something feels right. It's Edison falling half asleep; trying to tap into the subconscious.

Anyway I find that when I can get into this kind of hazy half-alert phase I can act on instinct; things flow. Not always, but often. Channelling my autism is how I view it.

And this is where I make the right decisions - once the loud one is bypassed and the quiet one is driving. Something just feels right, or doesn't. It's all very scientific.

Then there’s dopamine. Now this is weird. Not sure I even believe myself here.

I think I can feel dopamine, and I think it feels like fishhooks under the cheekbones. An inexorable pull to do, in the gurning muscles. Slack-jawed channelling is trying to bypass this.

The more I can bypass conscious thought, the better things seem to go.

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