defence

There is a well-established trauma response to block out memories which might harm the psyche. I think this comes into play with adhd when you kill your joy.

Many times I have spent 5 years crafting a persona only to have it implode once perfected. I think the reason for this is that my brain craves progress and optimisation.

The persona is a program which is optimised; when you get to the top of your game there’s no more optimisation to be had. It starts to feel bad.

But you push through because adhd craves stimulation. The red flags fall on deaf ears (not your fault) and you push through into the realm of trauma.

I have experienced this multiple times and am on a multiyear hiatus from cycling because of it.

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