9 July 2025 check in
So is ari given to kids from age 6 that doctor said, prevents identity issues. Why.
I had an identity and for some reason I do feel like it might have been about then when it started getting locked away. School? Or chemistry? I’m thinking chemistry here for some reason. I’m thinking this is all biological. School would be dull so discard.
Anyway I’m knackered and should sleep tonight and hopefully wake up a little clearer tomorrow. Today, and indeed the last 47 days… busy. Even by my standards. Deep work.
So I found out that I’m autistic and have sensory issues which caused me to basically have a trauma response to large chunks of the life that my adhd self led. It seems that I was successfully able to guide this, because I’ve done lots of drugs and practiced free expression with art, plus taught myself how to embrace imperfection and lock something in by sharing it with someone. Hence the website. I don’t know if anyone is reading this because I don’t have analytics. Adhd. Tiger.
So.
This gives me my personality and I am able to sit and cherry pick where previously it was… I… it is impossible to describe. The closest I can come, on an intuitive level, is Iain M Bank’s virtual hells. I suppose Alzheimer's might compare in a micro sense but it’s every joint and every sinew in your body. And I trained in meditation so I guess I was extra attuned when I was out on the bike or doing whatever dumb shit. Probably terrified. I’m gonna get that 3t MRI and I’m gonna show you that my amygdala is enlarged.
And I reckon a lot of thrillseekers are like this because if your baseline is scary, you have to crank it up to get any kind of alpha.
So yeah it was quite the blast. Anyway I took the next dose of ari (remember I’ve split it) and I think this might be the one that tips me over. It feels so nice to be human once the dopamine stabilises. That is the buttery feeling you get from yoga. It is not GABA. It is stabilised dopamine. Stop trying to spike it.
Ari affects so many things to do with memory encoding, time encoding, endocrine signalling I think the endocrine system is the ‘clock’ for your body; or it was for mine anyway and that’s why I’m lost at the moment.
Anyway as I said the D is stabilising so I’m feeling a bit sleepy. Even with this stabilised I should have more fake D sat on the receptor at 25% strength so that will see me through the night, but there’s a chance I really do have… a bucket and a sieve.
Maybe this is why I can think so fast. Because dopamine does not hang around in the synapse, so the next thought can come through clearly. But then I had sensory gating issues so there was a huge logjam and these enormous turds coming into the chopper sideways.
So I am incredibly sleep deprived right now and typing at normal speed. I cant even focus on the screen but can gaze half fuzzy at the keyboard, which is how I always type anyway because audhd. I am functioning far faster than most people would on their sharpest day. I’m tired so I’m going to bed.
When mapping out the brain we really do need to add a ‘drain modifier’ or something to each of these receptors based on how fast it drains the molecule. Because mine is so fast I can feel it like sand. That is insane. Sand around the nasal cavities and around certain areas of my brain, when I can skip-think unobstructedly. I feel like how one of those MRI scan illustrations looks with the bang and the rainbow in the skull.
And I’m tired and going to bed and hopefully I’ve come up now, like in the naughties. I loved pills but they weren't sustainable. No wonder my parents never suspected a thing; they were treatment.
Anyway I’m probably sat on a comfy D2 which is about where I want my baseline to be. I guess my ceiling will hopefully be 4, because my 5 is not fun. And there should be a bottom on it, at 25%% of 2 so 0.5, which means I can’t go below -4.5. My -5 is so bad I just want to put a drill through my skull. And with dopamine you just might. So the really bad ones are when the dopamine is spiking up and down between drill and action. You literally hold on.
It’s rare I get that bad, but when I do… nothing can bring me back apart from the same thing that brought me back from 1.5 subjective years searching the soul and purging a lifetime of trauma. My family. I am not crying now. A little damp with happiness, but the sadness isn’t there, apart as kind of like an echo.
This has been desensitised for me very effectively. It still fucking sucks and I cry sometimes and when I look at real events I am likely to feel many and varied things.
But as I said I think that both my autism and adhd are cranked high. And they clash. They’re both cranked high. Most people probably have one dominant, but I don’t think I did; just the adhd was driving. I don’t think it was dominant though. The autism was there in the background maniuplating it. Anyway that’s on the boringpage so check it out.
Zzzzzz
D2 S2 N1
202507091839