loops

Looped thoughts are one of the more painful features of my brain. They’re not a bug, but a result of my processing style, I think.

Since I can only run a single thread I have to run it to extremes, then backtrack, before finding the Legrange point for the next thread, and so on until I get to the answer. So this is single threads run to completion, rather than multiple threads running simultaneously.

The difference might seem subtle but it’s huge. Where someone else might be able to batch tasks and complete them like AAABBBCCC, I batch them and then just bomb through them sequentially: ABCABCABC. It’s why I can only have one computer game going at a time. So if there’s a red flag in the second B data I’m gonna spot it way later than you.

Anyway because of this thought process, I need to go to extremes, and I need that Legrange point. Absolutely need it. The inception point. Otherwise I get stuck in that thread and the wool spins and I start to get flustered and it’s all downhill from there for everyone involved.

Anyway.

A simple loop is purpose:

- I need meaning

- Life has no meaning

This is a low-level loop which will never be resolved, and apart from my recent breakdown I have made peace with this. But I will never escape the loop. I have searched and searched for a way out; what if life doesn’t need meaning? But we do; we notice patterns. This is God. The unfathomable.

So around we go. And some people are given their Legrange point in the form of gospel or scriptures, some kind of totem, a deity or a belief system.

For me… nothing fits, so I find my own way. And that’s good, if hard. That’s my 道 which is what I’ve always wanted, I guess, what I wrote my dissertation on. Nobody can show you the way; your brain is a unique topographical representation of your world, complete with its own weather systems and communication satellites.

And carrying the analogy, maybe the Buddha found the Legrange point from his entire world; his self. I don’t want that. I just want to be a good dad, happy, slightly less hungry. Maybe help some people.

Life’s good right now. Time for the school run.

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