My RSD was bad. Painful. Dukkha.

Rsd (rejection sensitive dysphoria) extends beyond just people and into things, I think. Control. Micromanagement. Fear. Insecurity. 

I spent my entire life trying to tamp it out, beat it down, and it turns out it was a symptom and not a personal failing. Medicine switched it off. Huh.

I think it's to do with dopamine dropouts. I think it's 100% biological. These dropouts result in a timing reset and an 'arg' moment which is only registered in the lower, subliminal parts of the brain; the limbic system. 

The amygdala lights up but the pfc is looking elsewhere. Like when you see a stick and 'argh its a snake' for a second, but even faster. You don't even recognise it unless you vipassana it up for half a lifetime. This is all baseless speculation.

So here you are looking into the eyes of your loved one or fondling your precious ring or whatever and you feel this lurch, always, without warning, that you're going to lose it all. An emotional certainty, despite your thoughts being stable and attached.

This is the pain of attachment, maybe. This is dukkha. This is what the Buddha talks about extinguishing.

And this panic makes you crave, cling, never let go. You become smeagol, always looking behind your shoulder. Why? You don't know. It's because of fucked up dopamine, that's why. Not your fault.

I think this because when I started aripiprazole, it killed my rsd overnight. Previously it had been crippling. Bad to begin with but honed by years as a recruiter, on high alert for any rejection. Guanfacine had calmed it down somewhat but it was still there, bubbling away at 40%.

Guanfacine is supposed to be the one for rsd but I think it's treating symptoms, not causes. I think this lurch from the dopamine flush is what causes... all the pain and insecurity of adhd. You never quite know who or where you are, on an emotional level.

So the adrenaline comes from the lurch, and the lurch comes from the dopamine. Fix the dopamine, fix it all. 

But it's about regularity of dopamine signalling, not quantity of dopamine. Jumping in a cold plunge will not cure your rsd; trust me I've tried. It will probably make it worse; those waves of dopamine will be bigger. That wasn't great for me.

But also.. it's not your fault if you do things that aren't good for you. Because we need dopamine to do... anything. Anything at all.

This is sculptor and clay shit on another level. Back into the churn.

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