sleep

So I don’t think I never had normal sleep and now I’m getting it for the first time ever. And it’s unreliable but great.

Today I’ve.. woken up 3 times in as many hours thinking it’s morning, and am now up at 0025 for a bit because it just makes more sense.

Yesterday I slept like a baby. Short but rejuvenating. But not manic I don’t think; not speaking in tongues or being weird, and feeling tiredness. Might need some chemical assistance here too. I think melatonin is pretty common since ‘us types’ have all kinds of fucked up hormones.

The thing is I have ‘dopamine’ sat there for the first time ever, so I am kind of permanently motivated and permanently de-motivated. And I’m not quite sure what tiredness feels like. Where previously I had to furiously ride a wave of demotivation and hope it crashes into sleep instead of corals, now I can kind of… melt into unconsciousness.

Bed is nice now, even if I’m awake. Previously it was a torturer. The amount of things that needed to converge for me to flip into sleep, and then to stay there. It doesn’t feel like they’re an issue any more.

Tonight I was lying there feeling the habits of thought lurch around and.. get stopped. By drugs. So a surge comes, I brace myself unconsciously, and then nothing. It’s toothless.

On the sofa I feel the surge to motion driving me to get up and… this is toothless too. I still get up and do something but it’s a habit. A volitional action. I can choose, even if I’m only just starting to realise.

I realised yesterday that I have a choice with regards to aripirprazole. I will do this and try to get it to people, but I will not kill myself to do it. I already did that many times. This I will do one day per week and try to pass the ball to a research team.

Anyway.

Maybe this is something the Buddha talked about. The extinguishment of desire is the root of everything. Dopamine regulation, to the nth degree. 

But the escape from volitional action (karma) and suffering (dukkha) was the reason. By doing something to his dopamine system, I think the Buddha was able to reprogram his habits of behaviour and thought, and escape karma. I think this makes sense when you remember that dopamine encodes everything.

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