This tug of war. The good and bad. The intent and the emotion. It’s always been there.

The strange thing now is that the tides have changed. My logic and nervous system are more in charge now, and better able to talk to the emotional endocrine system. It can communicate where it before had to manipulate.

Where previously I would desperately try not to do something but be pulled inexorably toward it, I now have no pull. No tug. Maybe a little. The tug is not emotional any more; it’s a habit of thought.

I can finally take it or leave it.

Really. I can finally influence my emotions properly with my thoughts. Not a buddha, by any means, but nearly human.

These years.. the whole life restraining the emotions. It’s exhausting. Imagine just getting lurches to punch someone in the face mid chat. Is that normal? Why is it happening? I don’t want to punch anyone. What?

Well it’s fucked up songkran time in the endocrine system so you’re gonna get these urges. And the more tired you get, the more you’ll get them. Plus the worse you’ll be at controlling them. Friday night scuffles.

Anyway about 40% of my energy was going on holding these urges in, even with guanfacine. Quite literally, I think, because of the sheer level of relief I felt when when I started aripiprazole. The euphoria has passed but I still feel the relief.

But it’s alien, unusual. Something has quite literally removed the hum that was in my head. The toothache you never knew was there. Hedonic adaptation is a bitch and in a couple of days this will be the norm.

But for now… that’s 40% extra life force I can use for… sleeping, apparently. Because I have 42 years of catching up to do. And now I might be able to build a value-led habit system rather than just having to drown out one thing with the next.

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