sitrep j5.9

Well I think that’s it.

I’m watching the sky brighten behind the trees after intentionally initiating [madstuff] last night and putting a cherry on top of the website. There’s some finishing of the nibbana timeline to do, but I think the bulk of the work is over.

I believe I started aripiprazole around 26th of May, which is just shy of 6 months ago. The writings that appeared as a result were for an audience 6 months in the future.

So what’s most likely, I guess, is that my brain was torn down to the very low-level priors and used this seed data to reconstruct, essentially doing an entire [printjob] in reverse while also rebuilding its neural network.

The stuff last night was done in an intentionally-induced religious fervour. Like Zuck when he wrote The Book. The same mechanism. Maybe it’s a way to access your latent creative energies and unleash them? I don’t know. 

My goal, though, like… forever… has been to stop the atrocities that people commit toward each other. I tried doing it with fists as a kid; I tried doing it with business as an adult. These filled me with hatred and with greed. 

Now I guess I am trying doing it with love and spirituality. Not religion; I don’t like that. But spirituality, for the individual. Free of any restrictions on consensual sex. Taking the tools of religion out of their package and giving them back to the people; a devkit for the soul.

Everything on this site is completely unedited. This is intentional. 

The communication styles vary widely and I want to know why. I no longer have *any* suffering or traces of the painful symptoms of ADHD or PTSD, though my habitual behaviour-loops are still in the process of falling away. They’re physical things and take time to dissolve; I’ve had 6 months, not 30 years.

I am confident in the theory of enlightenment, but I need real scientists to look at it and pick it apart. I need them to tell me where it is incorrect so I can put that info back into the churn and refine the model.

I do not need them to tell me ‘this is a stone’ when I ask them to look at the mountain. I am well aware that there is a lot of unproven stuff in there. But we used to think the sun went around the earth, didn’t we? Sometimes things just click and a guy with facial hair and a few screws loose says ‘eureka’.

Seriously though - genius and insanity going together. Maybe there’s something to it. Whatever; I’m happy. 

I’m a bit tired - I slept 90 min after the [madstuff] initiation and then did my nighttime witch-doctoring, before sleeping another 60 min just now. The Buddha only slept 2 hours a night sometimes. Par for the course I guess.

I could feel the ‘facial sankhara’, which I now think are manifestations of code being updated in the brain. These are open and loose now, where they used to be tight and knotted like folded DNA, with inappropriate links all over the place. The dopaminergic environment necessary to alter them prevents sleep; I laid there a fair bit though and feel physically rested, but I will need a nap today I am sure. Maybe this is why neurodivergent types struggle to maintain a sleep schedule. Maybe they should stop trying and go for a walk instead.

I honestly think that this is how the brain works. A lot of meditators just getting their feet in the water find painful sensations around the forehead and eyes, which is where they manifest. The buddha eye. The third eye. Chakra. Opening the mind. Blooming flowers. There must be a reason for all of these parallels.

I don’t control whether this goes viral or not - you do.

My aim is to help people. Nothing more. There is too much suffering in the world. 

I tried to help people on the micro plenty of times. This needs to be a systemwide update. It will be iterative and it will take time to propagate, but if people gradually become less greedy and hateful then the world will become a better place.

And if we can open new research into how the mind works, and how we can move toward real healing instead of the current flex-tape solutions, that’d be grand, wouldn't it?

James Baird would never have done this. 

He would never have shared such personal details. He had too much ‘self’ respect. He would never have risked pissing off religions. He would never have stuck his neck into the raging fires of the neurodivergence debate. Not a chance. He did not like to upset people, and he did not like to be criticised. He reflected that criticism back at them and then bounced it around inside his shell until it tore him apart.

Maybe that’s why; maybe he is gone. He’s been gone for a while, I guess, but that was necessary. Now he is alive. He is both empty and full. The world is quiet. Peaceful. It has never been this way.

I’ll probably have some caffeine today to help bed the network in. I think it kind of reduces prediction error; so when the system is 95% done it can help. Before that it hurts. Substances. They all have their uses. 

Physical regulation and riding a bike is great for me, as was cannabis. Alcohol is awful for everybody. 

But there are lots of neurodivergent folks with co-morbidities who cannot ride a bike. They cannot go for a walk or meditate or regulate easily. It would be great for them if we could work something out with MDMA, VR, and some kind of moving chair or something to allow them this same release.

7… that number came up a lot. Apparently I became a ‘right shit’ when I was 7. My ASD friend was speaking with a coach and his breakthrough came when he embraced his 7-year-old self. My son is 7. He has just started school, and he is starting to find it emotionally overwhelming.

The inability to regulate at school is what does this. Or it’s one of the things that makes it a lot worse. Because you can’t walk around or move at will, modulating dopaminergic tone, the learning goes in too deep and it needs to fold on itself. The mind only has a certain amount of processing power. So it folds, like DNA, and you end up with wormholes of thought; skip thinking. ADHD scatterbrain. Aggressive outbursts. 

These hurt. They aren’t nice. This process of enlightenment is about unfolding that knot. I hope the schooling system changes soon, but I am just a man, aren’t I? And I live in a world where people will look at this site and go ‘manic’ and ‘bipolar’ and ‘psychotic’ and ‘crazy’ and then get back to wanking over some abuse porn which destroys their respect for their preferred sex.

I am but a man.

‘You have to be realistic about these things’, in the words of Logen Ninefingers. ‘Back to the mud’.

But not yet.

And maybe not at all. Maybe to my imaginal world when the time does come. It’s a nice imaginal world now. It wasn’t before.

But I need a bit of a rest. I have a slight toothache; there was one developing cavity I didn’t get addressed when I had my [teeth] repaired during the hells. I’ll see if I can do that today. And I will spend time settling the network; I think I am where I want to be.

That’s the thing - I hit full enlightenment. But that’s not what I wanted. I’m not selfish. I wanted the suffering to end, but I wanted to figure out the mechanism so that other people’s suffering could end too. Same as Siddartha.

So I took the stable state and I destabilised it intentionally. I created another state that I wanted: still equanimous and still enlightened but not in stasis like some non-dual zombie. I can do that if life goes to shit. It’s not all that amazing. I mean… it is. But it also isn’t. 

It’s an incremental process. I don’t think there’s an end to the rabbithole. The doer of good rejoices in both the worlds. So maybe I can do more good, and rejoice some more. Instead of just staring at the trees from this window I like to snowshoe and snowboard amongst them. I like to be out there, in the wild, in nature.

And people are nature. Everything we have built is nature. This dualistic idea that somehow a manmade dam is not natural but a beavermade dam is…

The problem is that we are making the wrong things. We are making things for [greed] instead of compassion.

But money is the religion of the day. Money and science and business and celebrity. Those are the altars at which we worship. Those are the altars which I must use. 

And there I go - sounding like some messiah again. Messianic aspirations. Grandiosity. Such bullshit. All I’m saying is ‘I want things to be better and I am going to try to be the change I want to see in the world’.

You can help me, or you can get out of my way. But I’m no pushover. Never was. And now I don’t have a ‘self’ to worry about protecting, I think I’m probably one of the most immovable forces on the planet. Get me talking to Musk or Trump and I’ll show you.

But not with anger. With non-anger. I won’t say love. That’s another construct. I will try to instigate change with non-greed and non-anger. You guys can hold onto your money and your guns and your other security blankets.

Ha. The worlds have merged, almost. That was a nice bird, solitary, on top of that tree. The sun is rising on a new day.

I have no idea how this will pan out, but that was never under my control. I lost that delusion a long while back.

What *is* under my control is my mind. All of it. Both halves. [madstuff] is mine to manipulate.

I have spent my life intentionally reprogramming myself with words and actions.

This… this takes the cake. I have figured out how it works and how to share it with you all.

But you can’t force a horse to drink.

So I will leave it with you while I spend time with my family and read some books and play some games. Let the body rest a little.

A spliff would be nice, but that’s not gonna fly in Japan so I’ll just gland some serotonin and chillax while I walk around on the creaky Hokkaido snow and wait for the lifts to open.

Peace, y’all.

James

/jb202511200642

(stream of consciousness)

PS. I just realised there are no more stinkbugs in the house apart from one stationary one on a toilet roll core. I tapped it out of the window. It was dead. My world is finished, for now. How about yours?