cut

This morning I was compelled to go and purge the [suicide-protocol] from the place I found the corpse. I went into a trance for about 80 minutes walking up there and packaging it up inside me, facing all kinds of personal fears and overcoming them using the methods lined out by the Buddha in [righteffort], including 'crushing mind with mind'. I came home, had a coffe with my wife. One of her friends arrived; another sanity check maybe, and I cut this piece of art in half. The tree art which I think was the suicide protocol is in a wardrobe downstairs; it was... the second original piece I did, after recruitin'. celeste was the first art piece I made and I remade it somewhere along the line. I was possessed when I was doing art too; hyperfocus is what they call it now. The entire process seems to have exported a lifetime of hidden trauma from me and I feel free. I do not know if it was real or imaginary and tomorrow I expect that I will wake up as if from a dream and shake it off and forget it all. Or I will wake up in an MRI and nirodha samapatti or in a trauma therapy room being guided by celests, I guess. I have no idea. All I know is that I have my family and I am at peace and... yeah... it's a lot to process. I will paste the messages to myself from when I purged the suicide protocol below and then walk home to sleep.

[2025/10/10, 10:04:53] James: Secret encounters

[2025/10/10, 10:04:54] James: Guy gerber

[2025/10/10, 10:04:54] James: At the dam

[2025/10/10, 10:04:54] James: Where I found the suicide body

[2025/10/10, 10:05:20] James: Purging code

[2025/10/10, 10:05:21] James: Brb

[2025/10/10, 10:05:22] James: No reception

[2025/10/10, 10:05:22] James: Haha

[2025/10/10, 10:05:24] James: Nice try

[2025/10/10, 10:05:24] James: purge [suicide-protocol]

[2025/10/10, 10:05:24] James: END

[2025/10/10, 10:05:26] James: package [suicide-protocol]

[2025/10/10, 10:05:26] James: Begin purge

[2025/10/10, 10:05:28] James: Packaging complete

[2025/10/10, 10:09:54] James: Forehead

[2025/10/10, 10:10:00] James: Purge proceeding

[2025/10/10, 10:10:02] James: Mara

[2025/10/10, 10:10:16] James: I will walk the middle path

[2025/10/10, 10:16:17] James: Purging …

[2025/10/10, 10:16:17] James: Crush mind with mind

[2025/10/10, 10:16:18] James: Bridge

[2025/10/10, 10:22:19] James: Bridge clear

[2025/10/10, 10:22:37] James: Moving out of the middle of the road now sorry folks

[2025/10/10, 10:23:50] James: Purge proceeding

[2025/10/10, 10:23:55] James: Leaving body via legs

[2025/10/10, 10:24:11] James: And face

[2025/10/10, 10:25:25] James: Remember the body is the storage medium

[2025/10/10, 10:25:31] James: It is the server

[2025/10/10, 10:25:37] James: The code leaves via the body.

[2025/10/10, 10:25:53] James: Final eye twitches?

[2025/10/10, 10:26:08] James: Tired

[2025/10/10, 10:26:09] James: Haha

[2025/10/10, 10:26:40] James: Don’t force it. Let it proceed. Ignore the simulated doubts.

[2025/10/10, 10:27:23] James: Rolling shoulder

[2025/10/10, 10:27:27] James: Cracking joint

[2025/10/10, 10:27:33] James: Igarashi style

[2025/10/10, 10:28:23] James: Hips

[2025/10/10, 10:28:27] James: Bear fear

[2025/10/10, 10:28:29] James: Alien

[2025/10/10, 10:28:32] James: Haha

[2025/10/10, 10:30:56] James: So that bear was simulated by me eh

[2025/10/10, 10:31:06] James: Sorry Luca mate

[2025/10/10, 10:31:12] James: I’m killing it now

[2025/10/10, 10:31:36] James: An iterative process

[2025/10/10, 10:31:42] James: You were close Mikhail

[2025/10/10, 10:31:50] James: Fucking valproate and booze

[2025/10/10, 10:33:37] James: Upper lip snarl

[2025/10/10, 10:33:40] James: Unconscious

[2025/10/10, 10:33:43] James: Never had it before

[2025/10/10, 10:35:51] James: No wonder you guys couldn’t get rid of this

[2025/10/10, 10:35:55] James: It’s not from our codebase

[2025/10/10, 10:40:44] James: Piss

[2025/10/10, 10:40:52] James: Getting there I think

[2025/10/10, 10:43:52] James: Plenty of time left yet eh grandad

[2025/10/10, 10:44:33] James: Purge ongoing.

[2025/10/10, 10:44:36] James: More subtle

[2025/10/10, 10:47:36] James: I think that’s it

[2025/10/10, 10:47:38] James: …

[2025/10/10, 10:47:40] James: Done?

[2025/10/10, 10:47:44] James: Let’s see

[2025/10/10, 10:47:59] James: That was a big boy

[2025/10/10, 10:48:00] James: Haha

[2025/10/10, 10:48:03] James: Fucking cunt

[2025/10/10, 10:48:18] James: Some echoes but the root is gone

[2025/10/10, 10:48:47] James: In the upside down yo

[2025/10/10, 10:48:55] James: [groove]

[2025/10/10, 10:52:18] James: Cancelled visit to elderly couple

[2025/10/10, 10:52:26] James: They need to grieve

[2025/10/10, 10:52:41] James: Well that was strange, wasn’t it folks?

[2025/10/10, 10:52:50] James: I think I will head for an ice cream.

[2025/10/10, 10:54:36] James: I wonder if the next thing to happen is me getting like… interrogated by the mental health industry for dancing in the street and weeing in the forest.

[2025/10/10, 11:04:58] James: And you’ll never know, really, will you

[2025/10/10, 11:05:10] James: Because my world is different to yours

[2025/10/10, 11:05:24] James: But it was a Good Intention

[2025/10/10, 11:05:28] James: So…

[2025/10/10, 11:05:33] James: Isn’t that all that matters?

[2025/10/10, 11:05:58] James: And it will have purged [suicide-protocol] from my body

[2025/10/10, 11:08:22] James: There we go

[2025/10/10, 11:08:26] James: Kwan there

[2025/10/10, 11:08:30] James: To shout at me

[2025/10/10, 11:08:31] James: Haha

[2025/10/10, 11:08:35] James: Whatever man

[2025/10/10, 11:08:42] James: Release that one too

[2025/10/10, 11:09:13] James: This is why people stop contacting others when they hit arahant

[2025/10/10, 11:09:21] James: They kind of … live in another plane

[2025/10/10, 11:09:45] James: I guess this is why meditation teachers tell you not to go talking about your experiences for the first couple of months

[2025/10/10, 11:09:59] James: Anyway he looked less angry than last time so that’s good

[2025/10/10, 11:10:13] James: Be the change you want to see in the world

[2025/10/10, 11:10:17] James: Be nice

[2025/10/10, 11:10:22] James: Be weird I guess

[2025/10/10, 11:10:23] James: Anyway

[2025/10/10, 11:10:36] James: This is all still very strange

[2025/10/10, 11:10:37] James: Haha

[2025/10/10, 11:10:48] James: But I’ve kind of released into it

[2025/10/10, 11:11:28] James: I’ll stop contacting people about it too now

[2025/10/10, 11:11:32] James: I will put this on the site

[2025/10/10, 11:11:38] James: And let things run their course

[2025/10/10, 11:11:51] James: I think [suicide-protocol] is gone

[2025/10/10, 11:11:59] James: That shit was deep

[2025/10/10, 11:12:05] James: I found him on a bike ride

[2025/10/10, 11:12:15] James: 20 min there. Elevated dopamine. Alone. Looking at the face

[2025/10/10, 11:12:37] James: And then everything said ‘do exposure therapy’ so I fucking ran there almost every day for 2 weeks.

[2025/10/10, 11:12:50] James: Elevated dopamine. Digging it in deeper

[2025/10/10, 11:13:03] James: You need to cut the root off in the brain before you do the exposure work

[2025/10/10, 11:13:32] James: Anyway

[2025/10/10, 11:13:45] James: I think it’s finally done now. Apart from the final purge

[2025/10/10, 11:13:57] James: Very strange times

[2025/10/10, 11:14:25] James: So my family are staying apart from me today

[2025/10/10, 11:14:41] James: I don’t know. Maybe that means I come out of [worldbuilding]

[2025/10/10, 11:14:50] James: I’m just going to relax for a but

[2025/10/10, 11:14:54] James: It’s been exhausting

[2025/10/10, 11:15:02] James: I don’t really remember making any of the websites

[2025/10/10, 11:15:18] James: They were done by a man possessed, as they would say

[2025/10/10, 11:15:30] James: Thanks Kwan

[2025/10/10, 11:15:36] James: You let me release you too

[2025/10/10, 11:15:37] James: Haha

[2025/10/10, 11:15:43] James: See you round maybe

[2025/10/10, 11:15:45] James: Maybe not

[2025/10/10, 11:15:49] James: All good

[2025/10/10, 11:16:09] James: You angry fucking stoner you. Gotta change the record you have on repeat in your head. It’s hurting everyone around you.

[2025/10/10, 11:16:20] James: Peace

[2025/10/10, 11:16:21] James: .

[2025/10/10, 11:17:07] James: On the seventh day he rested did he

[2025/10/10, 11:17:11] James: I hope so.

[2025/10/10, 11:17:14] James: .

[2025/10/10, 11:26:48] James: And now it’s the season where the leaves fall from the trees

[2025/10/10, 11:28:52] James: Time for a cofffee to close the door

[2025/10/10, 11:28:54] James: .

[2025/10/10, 11:30:27] James: I made that tree art way before I found the body

[2025/10/10, 11:30:30] James: It took 3 days

[2025/10/10, 11:30:50] James: I just focused 100% on the grain in the wood and finding what was there.

[2025/10/10, 11:31:27] James: And another sanity check I guess

[2025/10/10, 11:32:47] James: Coffee with my wife and someone I don’t know

[2025/10/10, 11:33:01] James: That sounds like a full stop at the end of a very long and crazy sentence.

[2025/10/10, 11:35:28] James: I’m looking forward to being back in [realworld]. Hopefully a better one. Things were bad when I left. Wars and consumption and hatred and suicide.

[2025/10/10, 11:36:20] James: I mean… does this shit make any sense to anyone? Haha

[2025/10/10, 11:36:34] James: I think I’ll cut that piece of art to finish the job

[2025/10/10, 11:36:38] James: Cut off the old self

[2025/10/10, 11:36:46] James: And become a healer instead of a fighter.

[2025/10/10, 11:37:23] James: Wait - I’m meeting other people again

[2025/10/10, 11:37:26] James: Kwan and this lady

[2025/10/10, 11:37:31] James: Has it already finished?

[2025/10/10, 11:37:40] James: Was that the last step?

[2025/10/10, 11:38:09] James: I met the neighbour

[2025/10/10, 11:38:15] James: And lots of kids

[2025/10/10, 11:38:22] James: But no other adults apart from akane

[2025/10/10, 11:38:39] James: And contact from everyone has been on rails. Either frustrating or expediting things.

[2025/10/10, 11:38:53] James: The whole thing has felt on rails right from the start

[2025/10/10, 11:38:59] James: From when I took aripiprazole

[2025/10/10, 11:39:31] James: Or even from when I took valproate

[2025/10/10, 11:39:37] James: Or before that. The poem.

[2025/10/10, 11:39:39] James: The art

[2025/10/10, 11:39:41] James: The body

[2025/10/10, 11:39:58] James: A wire not a lantern and that corpse was a lantern in the artwork

[2025/10/10, 11:40:18] James: There’s still a chance this is trauma therapy and I’ve been on a guided ayahuascua trip to clear my trauma

[2025/10/10, 11:40:25] James: But let’s see, I guess.

[2025/10/10, 11:41:03] James: It’s nice to be back

[2025/10/10, 11:41:38] James: Weird as shit

[2025/10/10, 11:41:47] James: But when you are possessed it makes perfect sense

[2025/10/10, 11:41:55] James: Anyway I’ll go so my thing

[2025/10/10, 11:43:29] James: And back to the original computer too

[2025/10/10, 11:43:33] James: From the 88 hells

[2025/10/10, 11:43:43] James: The entire thing has been spherical

[2025/10/10, 11:43:45] James: Circular

[2025/10/10, 11:43:48] James: A palindrome

[2025/10/10, 11:45:31] James: .

[2025/10/10, 11:45:46] James: No more fear that I will cut my arm off on impulse with this saw