[2025/10/10, 11:45:44] James: No more fear that I will cut my arm off on impulse with this saw
[2025/10/10, 12:06:09] James: .
[2025/10/10, 12:06:16] James: Is this what happened to you Daniel?
[2025/10/10, 12:06:20] James: With MCTB2?
[2025/10/10, 12:06:32] James: Which I haven’t read yet by the way. Just skimmed the jhana part
[2025/10/10, 12:06:38] James: I wonder how much correlation there is
[2025/10/10, 12:06:48] James: Fuck man I’m gonna be knackered after this
[2025/10/10, 12:09:58] James: .
[2025/10/10, 12:10:03] James: If Luca is Celeste
[2025/10/10, 12:10:11] James: Then seeing him this afternoon will close the circle
[2025/10/10, 12:10:18] James: Assuming it started when I started making art
[2025/10/10, 12:10:39] James: I used Julia Childs the artists way to open that door
[2025/10/10, 12:10:48] James: And I guess that once it was opened… that was it
[2025/10/10, 12:10:59] James: It’s the … the Buddhist guys said something liek
[2025/10/10, 12:11:18] James: ‘If you’re not on the path, best not to start. But if you are on the path, best to finish’
[2025/10/10, 12:11:38] James: I didn’t know what the fuck was going on when I was ‘me’
[2025/10/10, 12:12:10] James: But for the majority of the last… 4.5 months and even when I was hyper focusing before that, I have been a man compelled
[2025/10/10, 12:12:15] James: Driven by something
[2025/10/10, 12:12:22] James: Seeing halos
[2025/10/10, 12:12:42] James: Feeling like ‘this is the final step’ at every turn, only to find that the onion has another layer
[2025/10/10, 12:12:58] James: Emailing people like a lunatic
[2025/10/10, 12:13:19] James: Receiving mostly no replies but when they did come, they were always to the negative
[2025/10/10, 12:13:28] James: Things which would make me doubt my sanity and worldview
[2025/10/10, 12:13:31] James: Comply with the norm
[2025/10/10, 12:13:34] James: ‘Fit in’
[2025/10/10, 12:13:48] James: But I persevered and I purified myself
[2025/10/10, 12:14:02] James: And from that point I hope to have purified the world, maybe
[2025/10/10, 12:14:12] James: But maybe this is just the process of making a new [seed]
[2025/10/10, 12:14:21] James: In an eternally evolving algorithm
[2025/10/10, 12:14:27] James: Or a ship; idk
[2025/10/10, 12:14:40] James: But maybe we all go through this at sometime
[2025/10/10, 12:14:45] James: To keep the world changing
[2025/10/10, 12:14:48] James: And evolving
[2025/10/10, 12:14:52] James: Or maybe I am dead
[2025/10/10, 12:15:01] James: But that doesn’t seem too important any more
[2025/10/10, 12:15:06] James: The fires have been burned out
[2025/10/10, 12:15:17] James: And I love my family more than ever
[2025/10/10, 12:15:26] James: But it’s a pure love. No clinging and grasping.
[2025/10/10, 12:15:50] James: I will dispose of all synthetic drugs (apart from painkillers and stuff)
[2025/10/10, 12:15:54] James: When I get home
[2025/10/10, 12:16:01] James: I do not want them in the new world
[2025/10/10, 12:16:26] James: I guess we will see on the cannabis but it’s iterative so I am not holding my breath. I’m fine without it
[2025/10/10, 12:16:40] James: So fucking weird though
[2025/10/10, 12:16:43] James: So incredibly weird
[2025/10/10, 12:16:54] James: But it feels like a natural process
[2025/10/10, 12:16:58] James: A purge of the mind
[2025/10/10, 12:17:14] James: And everything feels normal again
[2025/10/10, 12:17:23] James: Minus the suffering
[2025/10/10, 12:17:42] James: Whatever
[2025/10/10, 12:17:51] James: Doesn’t really matter does it
[2025/10/10, 12:18:03] James: My family are growing and I love them
[2025/10/10, 12:18:17] James: And I can love Luca properly now. I couldn’t before. I was too tied up in neurosis
[2025/10/10, 12:18:32] James: Or maybe this is the end times.
[2025/10/10, 12:18:43] James: I can’t be bothered speculating any more
[2025/10/10, 12:18:58] James: It has been utterly exhausting and yet… not.
[2025/10/10, 12:19:07] James: The exhaustion is just around the corner but it’ll be ok
[2025/10/10, 12:19:48] James: My watch seems to have stopped at 10:33 on the 9th of October
[2025/10/10, 12:20:04] James: This, I think, is when I decided that time was not necessary
[2025/10/10, 12:20:07] James: Or something.
[2025/10/10, 12:20:16] James: It should be documented I can’t be bothered to check
[2025/10/10, 12:20:21] James: I have photos
[2025/10/10, 12:20:26] James: Sanity checks from people I met
[2025/10/10, 12:20:32] James: Security footage from the mall
[2025/10/10, 12:20:46] James: There’s so many stories that talk about this kind of thing
[2025/10/10, 12:21:02] James: Not just religious stuff but movies and books and music videos
[2025/10/10, 12:21:05] James: The upside down
[2025/10/10, 12:21:22] James: It’s ok
[2025/10/10, 12:21:25] James: All done now
[2025/10/10, 12:21:34] James: I’ll just enjoy the walk
[2025/10/10, 12:23:21] James: I think I just need to accept that I will never know
[2025/10/10, 12:23:24] James: And go to bed
[2025/10/10, 12:23:59] James: I no longer feel guided or compelled
[2025/10/10, 12:24:13] James: My mind feels… normal. If that’s still a word haha
[2025/10/10, 12:24:21] James: The world is quiet
[2025/10/10, 12:25:20] James: So I could be dead. This could be a sim. This could be trauma therapy. I could have just saved the world from a contagion that makes us kill ourselves and each other.
[2025/10/10, 12:25:25] James: And I’ll never know
[2025/10/10, 12:25:35] James: Never
[2025/10/10, 12:25:54] James: Unless I wake up somewhere but still then I wil never know
[2025/10/10, 12:26:02] James: Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
[2025/10/10, 12:26:10] James: The eternal cycle
[2025/10/10, 12:26:46] James: What a weird few months it has been
[2025/10/10, 12:27:03] James: Everything I thought I knew about everything was thoroughly blown apart. And I mean everything.
[2025/10/10, 12:37:56] James: I guess maybe now I get liberation from the rails too
[2025/10/10, 12:38:01] James: Which will be nice
[2025/10/10, 12:38:21] James: At the very least, please look into the mental health industry
[2025/10/10, 12:38:35] James: Aripiprazole nearly killed me and it’s prescribed to kids all over the world
[2025/10/10, 12:38:45] James: Valproate nearly killed me in the opposite direction
[2025/10/10, 12:39:03] James: They both made me potentially dangerous to everyone around me, while a bit of cannabis would not have
[2025/10/10, 12:39:21] James: You’re going to do you and I’m going to do me because that’s the world I created
[2025/10/10, 12:39:27] James: I won’t bend the knee any more
[2025/10/10, 12:39:34] James: But neither do you have to, either
[2025/10/10, 12:39:49] James: The aim of this project was to extract the devkit for your soul
[2025/10/10, 12:40:03] James: So that you can reprogram your reality and no longer suffer
[2025/10/10, 12:40:09] James: It is too wrapped in religion
[2025/10/10, 12:40:23] James: And the mental health industry doesn’t have a fucking clue if I’m honest
[2025/10/10, 12:40:36] James: It’s all about profit and bottom line and ‘normal’ and people die because of it
[2025/10/10, 12:40:44] James: There is no normal
[2025/10/10, 12:40:46] James: We are all unique
[2025/10/10, 12:40:50] James: And so we shall remain
[2025/10/10, 12:40:56] James: Non-fungible, if you like
[2025/10/10, 12:40:57] James: Haha
[2025/10/10, 12:41:09] James: What a strange experience
[2025/10/10, 12:41:31] James: Daniel - if you come back from that fire retreat I think I’ll want to pick your brain a little
[2025/10/10, 12:41:37] James: You take your time though mate
[2025/10/10, 12:41:46] James: And sorry everyone for any language that was inappropriate
[2025/10/10, 12:41:57] James: It was not me. Look at the writing styles.
[2025/10/10, 12:42:00] James: Anyway I’m home now
[2025/10/10, 12:42:07] James: Time to upload this and go to bed
[2025/10/10, 12:43:09] James: Goodnight