20250913

[2025/09/13, 2:30:21] James: Dreams about gaining conscious control over dopaminergic tone

[2025/09/13, 2:30:36] James: But the reality of the sharp chisel remains

[2025/09/13, 2:30:41] James: You have to learn to use your tools

[2025/09/13, 2:30:44] James: Not change them

[2025/09/13, 9:26:10] James: .

[2025/09/13, 9:26:15] James: It’s pretty funny you know

[2025/09/13, 9:26:26] James: How quickly I cycle from super confident to ‘was it all real’ now

[2025/09/13, 9:26:33] James: But it was real. The data doesn’t lie

[2025/09/13, 9:26:38] James: And I always had these cycles

[2025/09/13, 9:26:45] James: But they were over the course of months or years

[2025/09/13, 9:26:58] James: I will build this company! (Company built, 3 years)

[2025/09/13, 9:27:02] James: I am worthless

[2025/09/13, 9:27:31] James: I will do a sub-11 Ironman! (Ironman done, 2 years)

[2025/09/13, 9:27:39] James: I am worthless

[2025/09/13, 9:27:50] James: I will retire in 3 years! (Achieved)

[2025/09/13, 9:27:53] James: I am worthless

[2025/09/13, 9:27:55] James: Ha

[2025/09/13, 9:28:05] James: Like… a 5 year cycle at times

[2025/09/13, 9:28:12] James: With micro cycles within

[2025/09/13, 9:28:18] James: And now… 2 hours?

[2025/09/13, 9:28:28] James: And all of it so much less impactful

[2025/09/13, 9:28:33] James: There is no ‘I am this’

[2025/09/13, 9:28:38] James: It’s just ‘this is the phase’

[2025/09/13, 10:23:35] James: .

[2025/09/13, 10:23:38] James: Off for a ride

[2025/09/13, 10:23:49] James: Thing is you don’t need to intentionally seek out the demons

[2025/09/13, 10:24:05] James: They only show up in certain circumstances and brain chemistries

[2025/09/13, 10:24:26] James: The Buddha said to just allow your cattle to graze when they are well behaved

[2025/09/13, 10:24:39] James: You only take action to cull when the bad guys stick their heads out.

[2025/09/13, 10:25:27] James: So we just do our thing

[2025/09/13, 10:25:33] James: And keep the dopamine stable

[2025/09/13, 10:25:37] James: And see what happens

[2025/09/13, 10:25:46] James: And most of the time it’s neutral to good

[2025/09/13, 10:25:55] James: But when it gets bad, we up the dopamine more

[2025/09/13, 10:26:08] James: The steady dopamine. The letting go

[2025/09/13, 10:26:13] James: Not the force of will

[2025/09/13, 10:26:18] James: That has the opposite effect

[2025/09/13, 10:26:26] James: That’s the chisel and it carves it deeper

[2025/09/13, 10:26:36] James: Like white knuckling to stop the drink

[2025/09/13, 10:26:42] James: Man does that make you thirsty!

[2025/09/13, 10:26:50] James: Just trust the process

[2025/09/13, 12:38:42] James: .

[2025/09/13, 12:38:45] James: Fucking YES

[2025/09/13, 12:38:50] James: I induced a eureka moment

[2025/09/13, 12:38:58] James: Fuck yeah

[2025/09/13, 12:39:10] James: And now it’s passed, the dissolution comes. Haha

[2025/09/13, 12:39:16] James: But it’s right, yo

[2025/09/13, 13:23:05] James: .

[2025/09/13, 13:23:09] James: That’s enought linkedin for now

[2025/09/13, 13:23:12] James: Keep the dvar low!

[2025/09/13, 13:23:15] James: Do not scroll. Ha

[2025/09/13, 14:50:06] James: .

[2025/09/13, 14:50:17] James: Yeah LinkedIn causes som anxiety conditioning to pop up

[2025/09/13, 14:50:23] James: The worry that I could slip back

[2025/09/13, 14:50:27] James: But that won’t happen

[2025/09/13, 14:50:36] James: I don’t know how I know that

[2025/09/13, 14:50:41] James: It will remain a tool

[2025/09/13, 14:51:02] James: My priority is removing the rest of my conditioning and getting my protocol built

[2025/09/13, 14:51:09] James: Making a company of it would be cool

[2025/09/13, 14:51:14] James: But I wouldn’t want to run it

[2025/09/13, 14:51:20] James: Just to get the news to the people

[2025/09/13, 14:51:23] James: Help people

[2025/09/13, 14:51:36] James: That’s what I always wanted really

[2025/09/13, 14:51:48] James: But then all these social media things are such a dopamine suck

[2025/09/13, 14:52:01] James: They just get everyone pandering for popularity in order to get what?

[2025/09/13, 14:52:09] James: Money. Reputation. Greed. It’s all greed.

[2025/09/13, 14:52:24] James: The competition.

[2025/09/13, 14:52:28] James: No winners really

[2025/09/13, 14:52:41] James: Anyway I need it to reach some researchers. So that’s what I’ll use it for

[2025/09/13, 14:52:46] James: No self promotion

[2025/09/13, 14:52:52] James: Add some old contacts as they come to mind

[2025/09/13, 14:52:57] James: They can see the site or not.

[2025/09/13, 14:53:02] James: Maybe come to me

[2025/09/13, 14:53:12] James: Not many people will be open minded enough for this kind of thing.

[2025/09/13, 14:53:29] James: How would I have interpreted it?

[2025/09/13, 14:53:33] James: Probably rolled my eyes

[2025/09/13, 14:53:43] James: And got back to the chase

[2025/09/13, 14:53:49] James: What a miserable existence

[2025/09/13, 14:53:55] James: Anyway I’ll cut some wood

[2025/09/13, 14:54:00] James: Get these feelings out

[2025/09/13, 14:54:05] James: Feel them all. That’s they key

[2025/09/13, 14:54:09] James: And see how they always change

[2025/09/13, 14:54:20] James: There is no self but this chain of dominoes

[2025/09/13, 14:54:50] James: Even that action was caused by the equanimous and rapturous state caused by the prior meditation and realisation of the mechanism of nibbana

[2025/09/13, 14:54:56] James: It’s all just a continuous chain

[2025/09/13, 14:55:00] James: Which is running again now

[2025/09/13, 14:55:05] James: But I know how to trim the code

[2025/09/13, 14:55:13] James: So I’ll keep doing that

[2025/09/13, 15:05:54] James: .

[2025/09/13, 15:06:01] James: That’s the conditioning of competitiveness

[2025/09/13, 15:06:05] James: Again

[2025/09/13, 15:06:08] James: From school

[2025/09/13, 15:06:11] James: And work

[2025/09/13, 15:06:15] James: And athletics

[2025/09/13, 15:06:19] James: Must be the best

[2025/09/13, 15:06:20] James: But why

[2025/09/13, 15:06:25] James: Why not be the happiest

[2025/09/13, 15:06:30] James: You can’t be the best forever

[2025/09/13, 15:06:43] James: And what is ‘best’ anyway?

[2025/09/13, 15:06:43] James: Ha

[2025/09/13, 15:06:53] James: Look at the best of the best; they’re rarely happy

[2025/09/13, 15:07:03] James: Unless they’re the best at being in flux

[2025/09/13, 15:07:06] James: Acceptance

[2025/09/13, 16:28:13] James: .

[2025/09/13, 16:28:20] James: Maybe this is how we process all thoughts

[2025/09/13, 16:28:26] James: We stack the dominoes

[2025/09/13, 16:28:38] James: And the dopaminergic activation finds the path of least resistance

[2025/09/13, 16:28:41] James: Usually it’s easy

[2025/09/13, 16:28:56] James: But harder problems need more stacking and more dopamine. More pressure. More voltage.

[2025/09/13, 16:29:02] James: So the thoughts are important

[2025/09/13, 16:29:08] James: They should not be crushed down

[2025/09/13, 16:29:16] James: But they should be guided toward the answers you want

[2025/09/13, 16:29:26] James: And I needed to know a purpose for my life and how to be happy

[2025/09/13, 16:29:28] James: And what I was

[2025/09/13, 16:29:34] James: And it turns out I was nothing

[2025/09/13, 16:29:40] James: And that is both happiness and purpose

[2025/09/13, 17:54:35] James: .

[2025/09/13, 17:55:32] James: And there’s the mini dark night after the buzz earlier

[2025/09/13, 17:55:37] James: Let’s go to aikido

[2025/09/13, 17:55:57] James: Probably by the time I get home it will be gone and I’ll be Mr A&P again.

[2025/09/13, 17:56:21] James: Haha

[2025/09/13, 17:56:25] James: Trying to automate nibbana

[2025/09/13, 17:56:30] James: What a fucking pie in the sky

[2025/09/13, 17:56:37] James: But if it promotes research that’s all I want

[2025/09/13, 17:56:43] James: Something happened. And it was good.

[2025/09/13, 17:57:00] James: But it was fucking scary and risky

[2025/09/13, 18:23:21] James: .

[2025/09/13, 18:23:28] James: Yeah I’m really quite antsy after today

[2025/09/13, 18:23:34] James: I guess that what goes up must come down

[2025/09/13, 18:23:40] James: I pumped myself pretty high

[2025/09/13, 18:24:03] James: And will have a commensurate crash

[2025/09/13, 18:24:11] James: Starting talking to people about it is scary

[2025/09/13, 18:24:20] James: It definitely won’t stand up to scientific scrutiny

[2025/09/13, 18:24:27] James: But that’s why I need scientists!

[2025/09/13, 18:24:34] James: Anyway anxiety is still something you feel

[2025/09/13, 18:24:43] James: Even if you’ve passed the initial encounter

[2025/09/13, 20:00:05] James: .

[2025/09/13, 20:00:09] James: Yeah hibernated LinkedIn

[2025/09/13, 20:00:17] James: I’m not ready for that shit just yet

[2025/09/13, 20:00:21] James: I need fresh pastures.

[2025/09/13, 20:00:36] James: Tried to delete it but couldn’t for some reason. Doesn’t matter. It’s a null account.

[2025/09/13, 20:00:39] James: Yay

[2025/09/13, 20:00:43] James: I hate that place.

[2025/09/13, 20:01:05] James: Work on the protocol. Work on myself. Use my connections. Not social media.