[2025/09/20, 14:16:16] James: Today is proving pretty challenging
[2025/09/20, 14:16:21] James: I’m in a low mood
[2025/09/20, 14:16:31] James: I know it’ll pass but they are still intense
[2025/09/20, 14:16:39] James: And still feel like they won’t in the moment
[2025/09/20, 14:17:15] James: Let’s just watch the kids play in the park
[2025/09/20, 14:18:57] James: It’s a pretty diffuse kind of feeling
[2025/09/20, 14:19:03] James: Like I should be doing more
[2025/09/20, 14:19:06] James: Or enjoying more
[2025/09/20, 14:19:18] James: And it’s preventing me from enjoying what’s in front
[2025/09/20, 14:19:24] James: But I’m also just tired
[2025/09/20, 14:19:51] James: A lot of the things I used to enjoy and hyperfocus on don’t do it for me any more
[2025/09/20, 14:19:56] James: Walking is nice
[2025/09/20, 14:20:05] James: Riding my bike
[2025/09/20, 14:20:26] James: It’s great seeing Luca
[2025/09/20, 14:20:42] James: He does love playing with other children
[2025/09/20, 14:21:00] James: I don’t know - I seem to be falling into old habits
[2025/09/20, 14:21:02] James: Or trying to
[2025/09/20, 14:21:13] James: Consume to avoid the negativity
[2025/09/20, 14:21:17] James: But that just grows it
[2025/09/20, 14:21:26] James: I don’t think I am falling into them actually
[2025/09/20, 14:21:38] James: But the drive is there
[2025/09/20, 14:21:45] James: Let’s watch it
[2025/09/20, 14:21:48] James: See it pass
[2025/09/20, 14:25:32] James: Oh
[2025/09/20, 14:25:37] James: I didn’t meditate this morning
[2025/09/20, 14:25:42] James: Could it be that simple?
[2025/09/20, 14:25:51] James: It was an intentional day off
[2025/09/20, 14:25:59] James: But do I need it for regulation?
[2025/09/20, 14:44:26] James: .
[2025/09/20, 14:44:30] James: The mood is passing
[2025/09/20, 14:44:37] James: More of an easy autumn mood now
[2025/09/20, 14:44:46] James: I still feel like I should fill every moment
[2025/09/20, 14:44:52] James: But that is just my conditioning
[2025/09/20, 14:45:00] James: From a life of cranked up adhd
[2025/09/20, 14:46:14] James: I might need to take up knitting or something
[2025/09/20, 14:46:20] James: Something slow and therapeutic
[2025/09/20, 14:46:30] James: I enjoy computer games but I think they crank me up
[2025/09/20, 15:43:58] James: .
[2025/09/20, 15:44:04] James: I forgot all about the knives
[2025/09/20, 15:44:10] James: 20 min polishing and I feel a world better
[2025/09/20, 15:44:15] James: Almost had a cry
[2025/09/20, 16:18:07] James: .
[2025/09/20, 16:18:14] James: Well I feel a lot better after doing knives
[2025/09/20, 16:18:24] James: I think that the trauma release is going to hit soon
[2025/09/20, 16:18:34] James: Now the defences are gone and the honeymoon period is over
[2025/09/20, 16:18:42] James: So I will change my plan accordingly
[2025/09/20, 16:18:52] James: I expect that somatic and bodywork will be best
[2025/09/20, 16:18:57] James: So I will introduce more yoga
[2025/09/20, 16:19:04] James: And more knives again
[2025/09/20, 16:19:10] James: I don’t know if I will write
[2025/09/20, 16:19:19] James: We will see how it goes
[2025/09/20, 16:19:35] James: But less straight sitting and more physical release is probably the best approach
[2025/09/20, 19:31:02] James: .
[2025/09/20, 19:31:12] James: Long evening sit cycled through some negative things
[2025/09/20, 19:31:30] James: Being ignored and written off as crazy by colleagues and old business friends
[2025/09/20, 19:31:34] James: All of them
[2025/09/20, 19:31:49] James: And the girls at school who would instigate the violence
[2025/09/20, 19:32:04] James: The boys who would carry out the violence were simple
[2025/09/20, 19:32:19] James: But what really hurt was the girls waiting behind them to laugh at me
[2025/09/20, 19:32:37] James: Headbutted in electronics. Just as I was finishing up a great project
[2025/09/20, 19:32:50] James: And all the girls at the back laughing and going ‘he’s crying’
[2025/09/20, 19:32:57] James: Before I even knew what was happening
[2025/09/20, 19:33:07] James: No pause whatsoever. Instigated by them
[2025/09/20, 19:33:18] James: And I think I kind of fancied one
[2025/09/20, 19:33:32] James: Made my stomach clench
[2025/09/20, 19:33:42] James: Then flashes of other violence
[2025/09/20, 19:33:50] James: And twitches in my shoulders and hands
[2025/09/20, 19:33:56] James: Just let it spool out
[2025/09/20, 19:33:59] James: That’s the point
[2025/09/20, 19:34:04] James: It’s over now
[2025/09/20, 19:34:18] James: But it conditioned my responses something fierce
[2025/09/20, 19:34:26] James: Nobody listening
[2025/09/20, 19:34:34] James: Isolated
[2025/09/20, 19:34:48] James: And again
[2025/09/20, 19:35:07] James: But I don’t want to do that job any more. I couldn’t. It’s not who I am
[2025/09/20, 19:35:11] James: And neither is school
[2025/09/20, 19:35:22] James: Both of those were for self preservation
[2025/09/20, 19:35:25] James: And I’m ok now
[2025/09/20, 19:35:29] James: I have my family
[2025/09/20, 19:35:31] James: I am alive
[2025/09/20, 19:35:47] James: Life isn’t fair
[2025/09/20, 19:35:52] James: I’m not whining
[2025/09/20, 19:35:53] James: Ha
[2025/09/20, 19:36:00] James: Another bit of conditioning. Don’t whine
[2025/09/20, 19:36:03] James: It’s just a fact
[2025/09/20, 19:36:06] James: It’s not fair
[2025/09/20, 19:36:10] James: I’ve had it hard
[2025/09/20, 19:36:15] James: Some have it harder
[2025/09/20, 19:36:21] James: And we were just born to it
[2025/09/20, 19:36:46] James: The brain chemistry too. All those people able to just hold a jhana. I don’t know if I ever will, with the dopamine being all over
[2025/09/20, 19:36:58] James: But you don’t need it to achieve liberation
[2025/09/20, 19:37:10] James: And I can see the unsatisfactoriness of it all
[2025/09/20, 19:37:16] James: The transience
[2025/09/20, 19:37:26] James: But it’s still in my body
[2025/09/20, 19:37:30] James: The laughter
[2025/09/20, 19:37:32] James: The violence
[2025/09/20, 19:37:40] James: I can let it out