20250930

[2025/09/30, 1:00:35] James: [to a friend] Man I’m lying here and sleep just isn’t coming. I found myself overcome just now with an immense wave of love for everything and everyone in this reality, and it suffused my entire body from head to toe for like 20 minutes. I was just smiling and smiling and smiling. 

I think I’m like a modern day mystic or something. In a world that pathologises love and mystery. This is a recorded phenomenon in every religion and now we just give people mood stabilisers so they will get back to work and not pursue their given path. 

I’m definitely not manic or anything like that. It’s very different to when aripiprazole was involved. This is purely endogenous and because of the liberation of feel from knowing - really knowing - that conscious is not mine and it is a field. A shared plane of interconnectedness. 

And I wonder what those depths are that my grandad was pulling me down to, playfully. But not yet. His last words to me: you have plenty of time. 

Man… full body tingles again. This is so good and so liberating.

[2025/09/30, 9:42:48] James: .

[2025/09/30, 9:43:11] James: I’m in the hospital and I feel like a kid in a field of flowers

[2025/09/30, 9:43:27] James: I was walking from the car park and got more tingles seeing people passing me

[2025/09/30, 9:43:37] James: Wishes of wellbeing from nowhere

[2025/09/30, 9:43:46] James: A smile spread across my face which I could not contain

[2025/09/30, 9:44:09] James: I’m sat under fluorescent lights in a crowded room which would have overloaded me previously and I feel open and spacious

[2025/09/30, 9:44:14] James: This is crazy

[2025/09/30, 9:44:25] James: I do not feel like I have either adhd or autism

[2025/09/30, 9:44:46] James: I doubt I will bother with a formal diagnosis because I honestly don’t think I’d fit the criteria in my current state

[2025/09/30, 9:44:51] James: I basically feel cured

[2025/09/30, 9:45:12] James: And this second shift, from neurotransmitter calming to entering the field of consciousness

[2025/09/30, 9:45:23] James: This is as big as the first

[2025/09/30, 9:45:26] James: But more subtle

[2025/09/30, 9:45:34] James: There were still blockages in my brain after the first

[2025/09/30, 9:45:38] James: Conditioning

[2025/09/30, 9:45:40] James: Sankhara

[2025/09/30, 9:45:43] James: Small knots

[2025/09/30, 9:45:48] James: Now… I don’t feel those

[2025/09/30, 9:46:02] James: Maybe a small amount still remaining but nothing like before

[2025/09/30, 9:46:27] James: I can feel the consciousness ebbing and flowing and I am unaware of myself unless I look in the mirror

[2025/09/30, 9:46:44] James: When I do look in the mirror I look like a guy in a movie almost

[2025/09/30, 9:46:50] James: Not dissociated

[2025/09/30, 9:46:53] James: But like

[2025/09/30, 9:47:01] James: ‘Oh! Hey there; I forgot about you’

[2025/09/30, 9:47:18] James: The empathy I had with Luca this morning

[2025/09/30, 9:47:23] James: The playing with his stuffed toy

[2025/09/30, 9:47:30] James: Effortless and just the way he wanted

[2025/09/30, 9:47:37] James: Is this what it’s like to be non-dual?

[2025/09/30, 9:48:10] James: I could still feel a little habitual vibration in the brain but the field of combined consciousness was stronger and the vibration was just a background noise

[2025/09/30, 9:48:18] James: Previously it would have been the opposite

[2025/09/30, 9:48:27] James: Man I want to go for a walk after this is done

[2025/09/30, 9:48:31] James: Just to be outside

[2025/09/30, 9:48:41] James: See the people and the trees. Smell the air.

[2025/09/30, 9:48:52] James: But at the same time I don’t crave it. I just know it will be great

[2025/09/30, 9:56:52] James: .

[2025/09/30, 9:57:03] James: I feel like I was attuned to this magical world when I was a child

[2025/09/30, 9:57:07] James: I could walk the rope

[2025/09/30, 9:57:12] James: And then bad things happened

[2025/09/30, 9:57:15] James: And the rope went slack

[2025/09/30, 9:57:56] James: It’s like I am drifting in the water

[2025/09/30, 9:57:58] James: Effortless

[2025/09/30, 9:58:14] James: No conflict, where internal conflict defined my life for so many years

[2025/09/30, 10:45:33] James: .

[2025/09/30, 10:45:43] James: Man this hospital visit is so smooth

[2025/09/30, 10:45:50] James: They poked my bum

[2025/09/30, 10:45:52] James: Ha

[2025/09/30, 10:45:59] James: No embarrassment

[2025/09/30, 10:46:08] James: And now a CT scan

[2025/09/30, 10:46:45] James: If I hadn’t come today it would have died down and they would have said it’s nothing.

[2025/09/30, 10:46:59] James: And my wife just happened to have her health checkup here today

[2025/09/30, 10:47:03] James: So it was effortless

[2025/09/30, 10:47:05] James: Fate!

[2025/09/30, 10:47:06] James: Ha

[2025/09/30, 10:47:47] James: They still tried to say it was nothing until I explained it’s repetitive nature

[2025/09/30, 10:47:59] James: Going with the flow

[2025/09/30, 10:48:06] James: It all feels so easy

[2025/09/30, 10:48:28] James: I’m sure this is something to do with an optimised neural network and not actually ‘fate’ like god or something

[2025/09/30, 10:48:32] James: But it sure feels like that

[2025/09/30, 10:48:36] James: On the boat early.

[2025/09/30, 10:48:41] James: Another nibbana tap

[2025/09/30, 10:48:49] James: Then first day back it’s my wife’s checkup

[2025/09/30, 10:48:56] James: At a hospital we have never used

[2025/09/30, 10:49:06] James: But which happens to be the only one in town with the right department

[2025/09/30, 10:49:36] James: And during the short window while the offending anatomy is still inflamed

[2025/09/30, 10:49:46] James: Il gonna call it fate :)

[2025/09/30, 11:40:24] James: .

[2025/09/30, 11:40:29] James: Walking through town

[2025/09/30, 11:40:36] James: It all feels like a pleasant dream

[2025/09/30, 11:40:59] James: Like I’m in the matrix and know everything will be ok

[2025/09/30, 11:41:10] James: I think I’ll find an ice cream

[2025/09/30, 11:41:55] James: I’m kinda

[2025/09/30, 11:42:00] James: Floating along

[2025/09/30, 11:42:15] James: With the effortless gravity-beaded-hair of consciousness flowing around me

[2025/09/30, 11:42:30] James: Moving like hair underwater

[2025/09/30, 11:43:03] James: I’m not sure I’ve ever felt such ease

[2025/09/30, 11:43:10] James: Even after the first encounter

[2025/09/30, 11:43:25] James: That was clarity, saturation, sheer aliveness

[2025/09/30, 11:43:30] James: This is being part of the water

[2025/09/30, 11:43:37] James: So crazy

[2025/09/30, 11:45:54] James: .

[2025/09/30, 11:46:00] James: Man this feeling in my head is so nice

[2025/09/30, 11:47:53] James: Unbound hair, floating underwater

[2025/09/30, 11:48:00] James: That’s the closest description I can find

[2025/09/30, 11:48:15] James: Turn my head and the hair follows, in a graceful slow motion

[2025/09/30, 11:48:28] James: Sometimes the hair precedes and is what makes me turn the head

[2025/09/30, 11:48:32] James: Sometimes it follows

[2025/09/30, 11:48:38] James: But it is always gentle and always flowing

[2025/09/30, 11:48:48] James: Probably diagnosable.

[2025/09/30, 11:48:50] James: Ha

[2025/09/30, 12:01:30] James: .

[2025/09/30, 12:01:40] James: It’s like the first awakening cracked open the dopamine tap

[2025/09/30, 12:01:48] James: And this one has cracked open the serotonin tap

[2025/09/30, 12:01:55] James: My daydreaming mind is near-silent

[2025/09/30, 12:02:14] James: And I am walking down the street doing water hands like I’m on some kind of super relaxed version of MDMA

[2025/09/30, 12:02:18] James: It’s fucking amazing

[2025/09/30, 12:13:27] James: .

[2025/09/30, 12:13:28] James: Yes

[2025/09/30, 12:13:38] James: This is definitely a real shift in perception and chemistry

[2025/09/30, 12:56:10] James: .

[2025/09/30, 12:56:13] James: Absolutely lovely

[2025/09/30, 12:56:31] James: I listened to some music and it buzzed me at first. Literally dancing in the street, grinning

[2025/09/30, 12:56:42] James: But it got old fairly fast and I wanted to be in reality again

[2025/09/30, 12:57:13] James: I’ve messaged a few people but notice that each one of these messages and actions takes away a strand of my consciousness hair and leaves me with less floating gleefully around my head

[2025/09/30, 12:57:27] James: They’ll be back