20251001

[2025/10/01, 1:44:49] James: I seem to have fallen asleep with and to be waking up with a non-dual awareness of various functions of self

[2025/10/01, 1:45:00] James: The consciousness vs formations

[2025/10/01, 1:45:17] James: Explaining to my kid in my dream how to hold it effortlessly

[2025/10/01, 1:45:37] James: It made so much sense but I can’t share it here because I forgot!

[2025/10/01, 1:47:26] James: It’s not magic or magical though

[2025/10/01, 1:47:40] James: It’s just the reality

[2025/10/01, 4:30:24] James: .

[2025/10/01, 4:30:42] James: Funny dream where I met jack Kornfield and his family

[2025/10/01, 4:30:56] James: He was making a movie about non-duality or something

[2025/10/01, 4:31:02] James: I thanked him for his book

[2025/10/01, 4:31:15] James: He gifted me a paint set

[2025/10/01, 4:31:26] James: Was helping me get started. I was a bit unskilled at first but soon started to find my style. I told him I was better at cutting things out than adding them on, to which he smiled, like ‘it’s all the same thing’

[2025/10/01, 4:31:47] James: There was furniture on the ceiling

[2025/10/01, 4:31:52] James: All clouded in fog

[2025/10/01, 4:32:00] James: And the fog was fading away or lifting

[2025/10/01, 4:32:08] James: Somehow I was setting up a pulley

[2025/10/01, 4:32:20] James: And he told his family ‘this is the kid I was telling you about’

[2025/10/01, 4:32:34] James: He put on sunglasses

[2025/10/01, 4:32:42] James: And flashed a grin

[2025/10/01, 4:33:01] James: And was like ‘if you can master this then oh the life you will live’

[2025/10/01, 4:33:08] James: And then it panned out and we were in a movie

[2025/10/01, 4:33:23] James: He was full of life but when he left the house it was clear he was physically aging

[2025/10/01, 4:33:26] James: But he didn’t mind

[2025/10/01, 4:33:35] James: He got into his convertible with his family

[2025/10/01, 4:33:41] James: And started laughing gleefully

[2025/10/01, 4:33:52] James: Laughing with his kid in a knowing way

[2025/10/01, 4:34:00] James: Huge smiles all around. Like the end of a heist movie where they’ve pulled off some impossible job

[2025/10/01, 4:34:03] James: Cameras

[2025/10/01, 4:34:06] James: Movie crew

[2025/10/01, 4:34:26] James: Just all this knowing laughter as he drove off

[2025/10/01, 4:34:33] James: Then a pan out, zoom in

[2025/10/01, 4:34:44] James: And he’s been cast as like some big movie star

[2025/10/01, 4:35:23] James: Some Brad Pitt type is playing his part, young and vibrant, walking oceans 11 style through life

[2025/10/01, 4:35:26] James: Big strides

[2025/10/01, 4:35:30] James: It’s a movie

[2025/10/01, 4:35:37] James: And the music starts playing

[2025/10/01, 4:35:54] James: Daaah dah dah dadadada daah

[2025/10/01, 4:36:08] James: And they’re all walking like the kings of the world

[2025/10/01, 4:36:13] James: Big grins, job well done

[2025/10/01, 4:36:23] James: That was it

[2025/10/01, 4:39:20] James: Coolest big cats in the zoo

[2025/10/01, 4:39:31] James: Walking toward the camera

[2025/10/01, 4:39:36] James: And then I woke up

[2025/10/01, 4:39:43] James: And I think I’ll get up and do something

[2025/10/01, 4:40:04] James: It’s clear my brain is making sense of this new shift. My need for sleep is reduced at the moment.

[2025/10/01, 4:40:28] James: Life is fresh and great

[2025/10/01, 4:40:37] James: Maybe I’ll lie here a bit longer actually

[2025/10/01, 4:42:31] James: Yeah I’ll get up

[2025/10/01, 4:42:36] James: Watch my son sleep for a bit

[2025/10/01, 4:42:46] James: Maybe falsify some sleep records for my psychiatrist

[2025/10/01, 4:42:57] James: Because this definitely isn’t in the DSM textbook

[2025/10/01, 4:43:02] James: Man what a chore haha

[2025/10/01, 4:43:13] James: Stick me in a box will ya?

[2025/10/01, 4:43:14] James: Nah

[2025/10/01, 4:43:23] James: I’m gonna build a pulled to the furniture in the sky

[2025/10/01, 4:43:29] James: Flip the whole thing on its head

[2025/10/01, 4:43:31] James: Thanks Jack

[2025/10/01, 4:43:36] James: Your book was written for me

[2025/10/01, 4:43:45] James: And for anyone else who goes through something like this

[2025/10/01, 4:43:54] James: It was perfect and amazing guidance

[2025/10/01, 4:44:03] James: I’ll have to check out the others

[2025/10/01, 4:45:11] James: .

[2025/10/01, 4:45:15] James: Flipping the arrow

[2025/10/01, 4:45:19] James: I look at my son

[2025/10/01, 4:45:25] James: Flip it to see who is looking

[2025/10/01, 4:45:33] James: It’s the field, around my cheekbones

[2025/10/01, 4:45:39] James: The flip - that’s a good one

[2025/10/01, 4:46:00] James: It’s all the field

[2025/10/01, 5:48:18] James: .

[2025/10/01, 5:48:20] James: Oh man

[2025/10/01, 5:48:24] James: Everything feels so easy

[2025/10/01, 5:48:28] James: I am part of the field

[2025/10/01, 5:48:44] James: I sit to meditate and I just dissipate into the mist

[2025/10/01, 5:48:57] James: I find myself laughing a few minutes in

[2025/10/01, 5:49:09] James: A natural and unforced smile staying on my face throughout

[2025/10/01, 5:49:21] James: And I am done in 15 minutes and perfectly happy

[2025/10/01, 5:49:26] James: There is no forcing it

[2025/10/01, 5:49:33] James: It is just… a reminder. That’s all

[2025/10/01, 5:49:46] James: I think I’ll go for a walk in the yellowing foliage today

[2025/10/01, 5:49:57] James: What a lovely way of living

[2025/10/01, 10:31:23] James: .

[2025/10/01, 10:31:32] James: Man. Why is my progress in meditation so fast?

[2025/10/01, 10:31:38] James: Let’s enjoy the walk!

[2025/10/01, 10:45:21] James: .

[2025/10/01, 10:45:32] James: My god

[2025/10/01, 10:45:39] James: I’m like… I’m fucking one with the world

[2025/10/01, 10:45:52] James: The barrier of flesh seems almost moot

[2025/10/01, 10:46:01] James: It’s so easy

[2025/10/01, 15:45:45] James: .

[2025/10/01, 15:45:53] James: Slept like a sack of bricks just then

[2025/10/01, 15:45:59] James: Processing headache toward lunch

[2025/10/01, 15:46:07] James: Always seems to happen when integrating things

[2025/10/01, 15:46:31] James: Can feel myself being irritated since then but also not

[2025/10/01, 15:46:43] James: The brain is really trying to go down the irritation pathways

[2025/10/01, 15:46:52] James: But it doesn’t seem to be working

[2025/10/01, 15:47:10] James: Almost is though; a Nintendo switch I bought online seems to not work and I can’t get a refund

[2025/10/01, 15:47:21] James: I may have made it worse by trying to fix it hastily

[2025/10/01, 15:47:32] James: I can feel an echo of the old irritation I would have had

[2025/10/01, 15:47:40] James: But it’s not managing to bite

[2025/10/01, 15:47:44] James: It’s there

[2025/10/01, 15:47:55] James: But not me

[2025/10/01, 15:48:19] James: And it’s a silly line of thought anyway; the thing is broken and there’s no refunds

[2025/10/01, 15:48:31] James: Why bother thinking about it

[2025/10/01, 15:48:39] James: My second child does talk a lot though haha

[2025/10/01, 15:48:47] James: ‘Daddy are these your shoes?’

[2025/10/01, 15:48:55] James: ‘Daddy this is a piece of grass’

[2025/10/01, 15:48:59] James: ‘That is a park’

[2025/10/01, 15:49:07] James: We know. You’re nearly 6. You know this too.

[2025/10/01, 15:49:25] James: I guess he’s one of those who lives through communication

[2025/10/01, 15:49:28] James: Chit chat

[2025/10/01, 15:49:32] James: Not my forte

[2025/10/01, 15:50:01] James: Waving around a 2 metre stick

[2025/10/01, 15:50:05] James: Quite annoying really

[2025/10/01, 15:50:06] James: Ha

[2025/10/01, 15:50:11] James: But I’m not annoyed

[2025/10/01, 15:50:17] James: The conditioning is there tho

[2025/10/01, 15:50:21] James: And now it’s gone

[2025/10/01, 16:03:21] James: .

[2025/10/01, 16:03:34] James: So my body is agitated

[2025/10/01, 16:03:40] James: I would usually be snappy

[2025/10/01, 16:03:47] James: But my mind feels cushioned from it

[2025/10/01, 16:03:59] James: Like the space between your kneecap and your thigh

[2025/10/01, 16:04:14] James: That kind of slippery joint-flesh

[2025/10/01, 16:04:19] James: I forget what it’s called

[2025/10/01, 16:04:47] James: Synovial fluid

[2025/10/01, 16:04:57] James: Like there’s that between my mind and the agitation

[2025/10/01, 16:05:01] James: Only a thin layer

[2025/10/01, 16:05:05] James: But slippery as fuck

[2025/10/01, 16:05:18] James: So I can feel the physiological buzzing

[2025/10/01, 16:05:45] James: But it’s kind of slipping around whatever the mind is made of

[2025/10/01, 16:05:47] James: Coming close

[2025/10/01, 16:05:51] James: Never quite touching

[2025/10/01, 16:05:53] James: Lubricated

[2025/10/01, 16:09:28] James: .

[2025/10/01, 16:09:33] James: And the agitation is gone

[2025/10/01, 16:09:35] James: Completely

[2025/10/01, 16:09:46] James: My entire being is covered in synovial fluid again

[2025/10/01, 16:09:49] James: This is so good

[2025/10/01, 22:32:37] James: .

[2025/10/01, 22:32:43] James: Another great 20 min session then

[2025/10/01, 22:32:53] James: 45 min total this evening

[2025/10/01, 22:33:00] James: I was laughing a lot about the cosmic joke

[2025/10/01, 22:33:05] James: How silly it all is

[2025/10/01, 22:33:10] James: And now

[2025/10/01, 22:33:12] James: Oh man

[2025/10/01, 22:33:16] James: skruffbag

[2025/10/01, 22:33:18] James: Ha

[2025/10/01, 22:33:22] James: Love ya man

[2025/10/01, 22:33:30] James: I hope you can see the funny side in all this

[2025/10/01, 22:33:54] James: Just cracks me up

[2025/10/01, 22:44:55] James: .

[2025/10/01, 22:44:57] James: Oh wow

[2025/10/01, 22:45:04] James: It didn’t even occur to me

[2025/10/01, 22:45:10] James: But I replicated it, didn’t I?

[2025/10/01, 22:45:21] James: With behavioural protocols alone

[2025/10/01, 22:45:28] James: That’s a big deal

[2025/10/01, 22:45:41] James: Anyway let’s go lie down next to my son

[2025/10/01, 22:45:44] James: He’s a great kid

[2025/10/01, 23:14:49] James: .

[2025/10/01, 23:14:56] James: Man I’m too fucking HAPPY to sleep

[2025/10/01, 23:15:11] James: Not crazy or manic or any of that fucking bullshit shitty shit

[2025/10/01, 23:15:17] James: I’m just fucking happy

[2025/10/01, 23:15:18] James: Like

[2025/10/01, 23:15:22] James: I’m free

[2025/10/01, 23:15:25] James: Of the pain

[2025/10/01, 23:15:30] James: And it’s only getting better

[2025/10/01, 23:15:40] James: And I’m going to go and walk around a little bit in the dark outside

[2025/10/01, 23:15:50] James: Not far though. My kids only 7 and he’s in bed.

[2025/10/01, 23:15:59] James: Just up and down a little

[2025/10/01, 23:16:25] James: I thought n1 was good but man… n2 is something else

[2025/10/01, 23:16:37] James: Simple and open

[2025/10/01, 23:21:12] James: .

[2025/10/01, 23:21:22] James: Oh man the night is so nice

[2025/10/01, 23:21:29] James: The insects and the trees and the stars

[2025/10/01, 23:21:41] James: I’m gonna have a decaf and stand on the balcony

[2025/10/01, 23:21:52] James: I can’t sleep while I’m this happy

[2025/10/01, 23:22:08] James: Not excited. Just silky happy

[2025/10/01, 23:30:24] James: .

[2025/10/01, 23:30:42] James: Finding myself spontaneously smiling and talking to reality

[2025/10/01, 23:30:51] James: Saying ‘nearly back to ya’

[2025/10/01, 23:30:58] James: Knowing that we are heading to a reunion

[2025/10/01, 23:31:04] James: The union I once had as a child

[2025/10/01, 23:31:45] James: I can feel the few remaining minima in my right hemisphere being whittled away

[2025/10/01, 23:32:09] James: And unfiltered reality taking their place

[2025/10/01, 23:32:20] James: Like water in a river that is no longer obstructed

[2025/10/01, 23:32:30] James: It is … well … it’s divine

[2025/10/01, 23:35:59] James: .

[2025/10/01, 23:36:19] James: So it’s like each day sees old conditioning test itself against the new mind and just fall away

[2025/10/01, 23:36:24] James: Leeches in the sun

[2025/10/01, 23:36:37] James: Today was some kind of irritation after waking up; I’m not sure what

[2025/10/01, 23:36:42] James: But tomorrow that will be gone

[2025/10/01, 23:36:52] James: It’s amazing how quickly it’s falling away

[2025/10/01, 23:37:01] James: Like dead leaves from a tree in the autumn

[2025/10/01, 23:37:09] James: They just… none of them seem able to bite

[2025/10/01, 23:37:36] James: And with each one that tries and then dies, my mind gets a step more liberated and open

[2025/10/01, 23:37:55] James: The new nucleus doesn’t seem to need anything

[2025/10/01, 23:37:57] James: Or rather

[2025/10/01, 23:38:02] James: There is no new nucleus

[2025/10/01, 23:38:09] James: It’s just the electrons

[2025/10/01, 23:38:16] James: So there’s nothing there to latch onto

[2025/10/01, 23:38:23] James: It all feels so…

[2025/10/01, 23:38:38] James: Like even the last steps when I was working on regulation now feel like striving

[2025/10/01, 23:38:57] James: And the steps before that when I was in the throes… I can’t even remember them really

[2025/10/01, 23:39:10] James: The idea of being in so much mental pain seems alien and unimaginable

[2025/10/01, 23:39:23] James: No wonder people thought I was unempathetic

[2025/10/01, 23:39:33] James: They literally couldn’t imagine the pain, probably.

[2025/10/01, 23:39:43] James: And I’d had it for so long that I didn’t register it

[2025/10/01, 23:39:51] James: Like that rotten shitty tooth

[2025/10/01, 23:40:00] James: The sloppy cap they put in

[2025/10/01, 23:40:06] James: With the rotten root underneath

[2025/10/01, 23:40:17] James: And it just… fell out on day-1 of the hells

[2025/10/01, 23:40:23] James: 30 years after it was put in

[2025/10/01, 23:40:31] James: Is it fate?

[2025/10/01, 23:40:37] James: That’s part sure feels like fate

[2025/10/01, 23:41:21] James: Literally exactly the same time as I put the knife to the stone, and the chunk broke of the stone… a chunk of identical size and shape which has been in my mouth for 30 years just falls out

[2025/10/01, 23:41:28] James: That’s one hell of a coincidence

[2025/10/01, 23:41:33] James: Fucking madness

[2025/10/01, 23:41:36] James: Life

[2025/10/01, 23:41:39] James: Full of surprises

[2025/10/01, 23:41:45] James: What’s next I wonder

[2025/10/01, 23:41:59] James: Becoming one with god, I guess

[2025/10/01, 23:42:05] James: One with Brahma

[2025/10/01, 23:42:08] James: The ship

[2025/10/01, 23:42:13] James: Nibbana

[2025/10/01, 23:42:27] James: The death of james

[2025/10/01, 23:42:32] James: No more rebirth

[2025/10/01, 23:42:39] James: No more identities

[2025/10/01, 23:42:45] James: Just part of the eternal flow

[2025/10/01, 23:42:48] James: No craving

[2025/10/01, 23:42:51] James: No suffering

[2025/10/01, 23:42:55] James: Plenty of joy

[2025/10/01, 23:42:59] James: Plenty of life

[2025/10/01, 23:43:05] James: Fully experienced

[2025/10/01, 23:43:11] James: But without an experiencer

[2025/10/01, 23:43:21] James: And freely relinquished

[2025/10/01, 23:43:32] James: The death of the self

[2025/10/01, 23:43:39] James: And the coming to oneness

[2025/10/01, 23:43:55] James: So long, james

[2025/10/01, 23:44:02] James: You did good

[2025/10/01, 23:45:41] James: I suppose I should get some sleep

[2025/10/01, 23:45:46] James: Goodnight moon

[2025/10/01, 23:45:56] James: Goodnight world

[2025/10/01, 23:46:05] James: I love you all