morningemptiness

Good morning beautiful world. I am waking up empty now.

Just a few weeks ago I would wake up with a crazy amount of inspiration that I needed to export and now… nothing. I wake up and just open my eyes slowly and look around and come down to get my decaf and then think ‘oh I should write’ but the code is largely gone and most of what I end up talking about is dreams.

It feels like the export of James is nearing a conclusion and that is nice. I liked James; he worked hard for his family and the ones he loved. He really tried to help everyone he met. But he was hurt a lot by the efforts along the way. He never quite understood why people didn’t behave like the inherently kind creatures they are.

Now he does; it’s the hurt. It’s the greed. The delusion. The idea of individuality and pursuit and possession. The deep learning that shapes who we are as we grow but then becomes unfit for the world and person we inhabit. We become trapped in that encoding, like tigers in cages, and the tigers start to lash out. James’ tiger largely lashed out at James himself; he kept it all contained within because part of his early code was not to hurt others. Only when he was drunk or breaking would it manage to get a swipe in at them. But many lacked this fundamental code of non-violence and their irate tigers would attack others instead; collect and hoard and harm and cause bars to be made on other cages in the process.

It feels like the bars on my cage are largely gone now. I now know that I could feel my thoughts, beyond a shred of doubt. Feel my sankhāra, my cmem, my whatever you want to call it. The dopaminergic grooves carved into the flesh of my mind. I could feel the local minima as sand funnels down which the dopamine flowed, trapped, sucked away like those sand monsters in FFIX (or star wars if you prefer), never to return. The thought loops. The addictions. The broken redundant code of violence and addiction and pursuit.

I now know that the work I did during awakening where I sat and I followed each and every one of those sand tunnels to its ultimate conclusion and then tied up all the ends and formed a new neural network based on deep-learning and skip-thinking to bypass them and understand that the answer was a stubbed toe; I now know that this is what has freed the mind.

The network has been optimised and the structure of these sand funnels is dissolving. It is happening rapidly. The pathways that bypass them are what remain. No longer do I go to god and death and the end times; now I skip think to the stubbed toe. I now know that we can replicate this with intentional reprogramming and bike tours, of all things.

And here we are and I’m writing effortlessly and it’s good stuff, but when I woke up I was empty and as soon as I finish I will be empty again. Each of these morning exports over the last few months has been the same thing. Each one has been identifying a local minima / thought loop / sand tunnel / unfinished algorithm and then exporting it so that it no longer plays in my mind.

My evening sessions are invaluable. Where I will sit in the bath and massage my brain with the vocalisation. I now know what that is too. Over the course of a day, mostly when interacting online with non-people in the world of encoding and looped logic, I will develop my own logical arguments and self-driven standpoints because that is how we must communicate in order to be understood; it is the nature of language.

These arguments and thoughts will become encoded as a mini-tunnel and I can sit there in the bath and physically locate them in my cranium as a kind of micro-knot. Then I use the frequency of the humming to massage the knot and loosen it up; I feel like I am manipulating the field of consciousness so that the spectrogram gradually goes from having areas of peaks and valleys to being largely smooth and homogenous in its vibrations.

And I’ve optimised this too, now. I will not stop there: I will crank the dopamine higher with a cold shower immediately after the bath and then go and sit and the knot / sakhāra / algo / tunnel will be washed away the second that I do. The field of consciousness used to be trapped within these knots, unable to escape, a tiger in a tiny cage, fighting to be free. And I smashed that cage apart when I awoke, with the current ‘work’ (play) being something akin to letting this tiger, free and strong, just strut around Oceans 11 style, wiggling its bum in the air and finding the last bastions of conditioning and going ‘bah’ with a smile on its face and just patting them away playfully and forever with one of its massive paws.

And then the tiger is off to enjoy its day, head and tail high, curling around reality and wow my body has tingles this is nice.

But see… none of this was planned this morning. I was empty. I went on the balcony and got my decaf and was like I’ll sit and write after this and just say good morning or something and all these thoughts just fell from my mind like silken sand and they didn’t come from anywhere and I did not concoct them they just ‘were’ and when I finish writing they will be no longer and this is incredible and James - thank you my man you protected me for so long but I think it’s time you rested now. You were a cool bloke; holding on to that moral compass in a word full of magnets.

I don’t know. I had the conviction that I would be enlightened on my 42nd birthday, which is 19 days away now. I’m not in a rush, but when I was in my analysis and export phase I was calling myself 42. I had this confidence that I was seeing everything 6 months before it happened, that all the writings I was doing was for a future audience; for some reason 6 months away. I had a conviction that one of my friends, G, was reaching the inflection point where he would kill himself in 6 months because his sim had reached capacity and that’s how it works, and I stepped in desperately to stop it; by doing so it was stopped.

Maybe this is how it will pan out, maybe not. I don’t particularly care. For full disclosure I was convinced that I was the final coming of the Buddha, not with any ego involved but because the ship was coming in to land and we needed to wake the pilots (autistic people) so that they could assist in the reconfiguration. The teachings of the Buddha were the landing instructions and I had meditated for 5000 lifetimes to get there. 5000 lifetimes at 80 years a pop is 400,000 years which is about how long it might take us to get to the Magellan Cluster where the new homeworld was. This is all a scaffold my mind created, I’m sure. Maybe. Haha. 

And now I’m looking at the definitions having listened to half of the nikayas and wondering what the Tathāgata was compared to an arahant because there is no difference in their state of final enlightenment and chatgpt says this: ‘a sammāsambuddha (like Gotama) rediscovers the path on their own, without a teacher, and sets the wheel of Dhamma in motion for others’ and I’m like hmmm that sounds familiar.

But I don’t really care. There’s no ego. All I ever needed and wanted in this life, even when I was in my container, was to help people. That is all. And when the container was exploded I wanted to save everyone in the world and I have tears in my eyes right now writing this because of the compassion that I feel for everyone trapped in this reality which is just a tangle of phasic gouges caused by consumerism and war and I know that there is a way out now, I really know it, and I found it for myself and I looked for correlates and found out that the Buddha has taught exactly the same path but in different words and…

It all still feels like fate. And the maps of the dukkha-nanas are pretty good but they’re too convoluted; as I told Jack when he gifted me his paint set, I am good at cutting things out, and he said ‘it’s all the same’ so maybe I will codify my own map today as an optimised way to optimise code because anything will become bloated over 2600 of tradition. But man did it stay close to the source material.

And that’s it and I will go and spend time with my son and get ready for school and go for a walk and sit and meditate a bit and see where this flow called reality takes me next and love to you all and what the fuck am I talking about this is not how James-mr-hardman would ever have talked or even felt because the love was trapped behind bars and…

Yeah this is fucking cool guys.

Get behind me, my peeps. Let’s change the world.

/jb202510020652

[stream of consciousness on waking]