medlog1003

I’ll keep it short today because I’m exhausted after the effort of putting the indescribably into words and completing my understanding of the scaffold my brain completed.

I got home after dinner and polishing off the grand algorithm piece and I went into the dissolution and then dark night, or rollback and forkstorm phases. When I was in the bath I was honestly a little scared. All these ‘what ifs’ kept popping up; not in words but in bodily feelings. I was able to observe them but it would have been a very tough thing until recently. I skipped the cold shower and then went to sit.

Sitting on the balcony I could tone into my body and mind immediately and there vibrations were pretty notable. As time progressed they rapidly moved into my cranium and I felt like I was in a re-observation phase almost, with loads of stuff flashing through quickly. Not in words or images but in feelings-of-thoughts, if that makes sense. I could feel a build of electricity in my brain, not unlike when I had my first kundalini while on aripiprazole - just before my awakening.

this was not at the same level of intensity but it was very prominent and wasn’t a local minima but more diffuse across the entire cranium. The focus was the frontal cortex and left hemisphere this time, and I kind of thought I might be in line for a cessation or another kundalini. Things were intense, but I was able to sit and observe with equanimity and didn’t move; I wasn’t actually tempted to move even though my entire body would have wanted to if I had been any less equanimous.

30 min and I sat up, and I still have the tingles in the brain. I don’t know… is this where a new neural network is forming? The second encounter with nibbana was in my sleep so I only saw the dream, but the first was something like this, albeit a *lot* more intense.

This was not local sand funnels; the sand had spread across the brain and was more diffuse and buzzing, kind of trying to connect maybe. Who knows.

Let’s see what happens. I’m not afraid any more, but it did come out of nowhere and last until the start of the sit. And then the sit felt re-observation + equanimity-y so maybe we are nearing something? 

I have had a bit of a crazy day: waking early, feeling the waves for the first time, then A&P dancing in the street and walking a lot, a nap, more non-duality, and then a LOT of work getting the algorithm piece done. In the bath I think the fear was because my mind knew that the nature of nibbana cannot be put into words or frameworks, and I had spent so much time doing so in order to communicate things clearly. So when I got out, I decided to release that entire framework and just let the reality of it be.

Anyway. Brain is a bit tingly. Goodnight.

/jb202510032204