external

So I think one of the reasons I’m waking at 2:30 is because my memory is full. The other is a weak bladder. Both can be emptied for relief.

The 2am thing is new-ish, but external memory is not. ‘Hey Siri remind me' became indispensable the second it became functional. 

I need to do this to function. I never even realised! I tend to think aloud a lot during conversation; not because I am trying to communicate but because I need to export that data in order to process it.

Something about exporting the data makes it bypass the logjam and get into deep processing, so it can be wrangled properly.

Memory overload is a sensation I have ignored all my life because I was never given the language for it. I choose ‘steel wool’ because that’s how it feels, spinning inward and pressing out. Like a hum, or a buzz, or a pressure, or that feeling when you tense your jaw.

I also have an ongoing WhatsApp chat with myself. I have tried notes, hand written or otherwise, but it has to be text messages. The reason? Adhd. I can close the task. Fast in, fast out, done. Send. No loose threads. That is literally the whole point.

Offload so you can process. Offload all the time.

So with the weaver analogy I’ve just finished warping a thread and I need to store this thread somewhere without it unravelling while I warp the next. 

The external memory (thinking aloud) is how I do this. It prevents the previous process from unravelling while I lay the grounds for the weave.

So what you’re getting when I’m thinking aloud is just part of the process; a single thread. If you interrupt to say the pattern looks wrong, that’s maybe because I’ve only done the reds.

This website is like a basket full of yarn and I'm curious to see what kind of pattern it coalesces into.

20250623 0310