hellooctober

I’ve woken early, feeling refreshed. 7 hours sleep which isn’t bad, but my need for rest is reduced since n2. Nothing like the first time around though; those drugs that held the door open were super dangerous.

My mind is settling into this non-dual thing now. I do not feel as spacey and floaty as yesterday but I do not feel containerised either. I feel kind of soft and diffused, but also solid, if that makes sense.

I had a dream where I was teaching my son how easy it is to realise that you’re one and the same as the things around you. I can’t remember the details for the life of me, but within the dream and on waking I could easily see how consciousness was playing into mental formations and creating the illusion of duality. How you hear a bird and your mind links it to the mental formation of bird and your brain draws a line between bird and observer; how the whole process is fabricated from the raw reality of the sound and past learnings. 

I will probably spend the next week or so brushing up the website and making it more user-friendly. I think it can be a valuable guide for other people who find themselves lost in the process of awakening. 

Thanks Jack Kornfield - your book was a great guide for me. Hopefully I can use that paint set you gifted me in a dream to make a guide for other people who may not think to explore the religion angle. A lot of people who encounter this kind of thing nowadays just assume that they have lost it and go to a doctor who then kills the divine with drugs.

That’s what happened to me and it nearly made me kill myself. I now think this might be why Mikhail killed himself 6 months after starting benzos. He may have been on valproate too. Both of them trash your brain’s ability to assimilate new information and I know that after only about 3 months the world was drained of colour and I saw very little reason to continue living.

These boxes the doctors put us in so the companies that fund the research can sell the drugs the studies centre around. It’s all a big trap to get money, is all. The doctors themselves mean well, but they have to operate within the system, and the system operates on greed and shareholder return.

So the neuroscientist yesterday spouting nonsense, reading his papers… does he not realise that the funding for these papers has to come from somewhere? There’s a reason Shinzen Young has to crowdfund measly amounts like 50k USD to do studies while anything for a pharmaceutical is given grants in the millions.

It’s all to feed the beast. All to line the pockets. All because of greed. The money creates the drugs creates the studies creates the diagnostic brackets creates the prescribing landscape which kills the divine.

And I don’t even think the divine is god or brahma or anything like that. It is just us, coming into ourselves, waking up after a lifetime of conflicted learning. We just need guidance.

I mean... Karl Jung talked about it no end. What happened to that, eh? How did that turn into a carousel of mood stabilisers and antidepressants?

Fuck that shit. I’ll make another way.

/jb202510010504